A Message from The OMG Life Insurance Company

Dear Person Who Will Be Dying Sooner Rather Than Later,

Welp.  Looks like you’ll be dying soon.  But before you go, you might want to consider giving some money to us, The OMG Life Insurance Company.

Here at the OMG Life Insurance Company, we make it our personal business to pry into your personal business.  Why?  Because the facts are clear.  You ARE GOING TO DIE and when you do WE WANT TO MAKE SOME MONEY OFF IT.

YOUR ACCEPTANCE IS GUARANTEED!

That’s right. Absolutely everyone is accepted.  There are absolutely no medical questions to answer and no medical exams suffer through.   Why? Because here at OMG Life Insurance Company, we know for a fact that, sooner or later, come hell or high water,  you’re going to be deader than a door nail.

Here’s how it works: 

If you can fog a mirror, you qualify to send us monthly payments. Yes. It’s as simple as that.  You keep your promise to die and we’ll keep our promise to give back some of the money you gave us so that you’re loved ones can use it to figure out what to do with you once you’ve kicked the bucket.

Don’t Wait!  The Sooner you Apply, The Sooner You’ll Be Covered and The Sooner You Can Die.

Oh sure you might feel fine right now, but don’t let that stop you from enclosing your very first payment to us in the pre-paid postage envelope provided.  After all, if The OMG Life Insurance Company cares enough to spring for the postage the least  you could do is send us some money every month until you die.

The United OMG Life Insurance Company would love to take this opportunity to remind you that even though you feel just fine, you’re probably not as safe as you think you are and at any moment, you could die from any the following demises: 

The Demise of Sudden Spleen Seizure causing you to double over into a ball and roll out your second story bedroom window.

The Demise of a meteorite crashing through your roof causing you to become so startled you accidentally grab the hemlock creamer instead of the regular creamer for your coffee.

The Demise of Decorative-Bed-Throw-Pillow Suffocation where instead of sending us your premium, you use it to buy that last throw pillow that finally tipped the delicate air/bed pillow ratio needle to “uh oh!

The Demise of slipping on a banana peel causing you to fall and accidentally activate the homemade bomb you were carrying out to the dumpster

The Demise of avoiding getting run over by a drunken chimpanzee driving a stolen steam roller by diving in front of an oncoming bus

The Demise of Poinsettia consumption wherein you cannot! resist! eating! your! delicious! looking! Poinsettia! one! more! second!

The OMG Life Insurance Campany is imploring you to please fill out the form below and send it in the pre-paid postage envelope along with your first payment. Then oh so carefully walk it out to your mailbox.  (We recommend you sit on the couch and wear a helmet until your first payment clears.

OMG Life Insurance

If you have any questions log onto our website at pushin’updaisies.com where affordable coverage is just a few clicks away.

P.S.And remember! This is a no risk or obligation offer.  If you end up not dying, the OMG Life Insurance Company will give you a full, money back guarantee!

So what have you got to lose?  Apply today.

It Came in the Mail: So You’re Going to Die

Dear Readers!  Exultation at the mailbox!

The American Automobile Association otherwise known as Triple A Life Insurance Company was kind enough to send me a Notice that I’m going to die — it’s just a matter of time . . . but until I do can I please send them some money?

Look how official the Notice is!

Junk Mail from Triple A
How can I not send Triple A money when they went to so much trouble to make this Notice — with my very own name on it!

And best of all, there’s no Medical Exam Required! 

All I have to do is answer a few simple questions to see if I qualify.  Well, Dear Reader, I think you will agree that that’s not just wonderful, that’s frigging wonderful!

And More Great News

If an insured member, such as myself, is diagnosed with a terminal illness that will cause death, such as my own, in 12 months or less?  No Worries!  They’re not even going to go back and try to figure out where I lied on medical questionnaire they sent me!  (Ha! Suckers!)

And yet, I — as the person who will be dead in 12 months or less — will still be eligible to receive a lump sum Accelerated Death Benefit amount that my spouse can use any way he wants to — like finally taking that Mexican vacation to forget he was ever married to ol’ Linda whatshername!

Man sunbathing by a swiming pool
“Waiter, hand me my sombrero and get me another margarita please? . . . and not so much salt this time . . huh? I’m in mourning.”

Isn’t that just Frigging Wonderful Dear Reader?  

. . .  uh oh . . . wait a minute . . . . hold the phone . . . I just read further down on the page and it says:

If you receive an Accelerated Death Benefit amount, we will deduct a  processing fee of $75.00

What?!?

So let me get this straight, Triple A.  You’re saying that when my poor spouse is in Mexico crying his eyes out –beside himself with grief — trying to choke down a couple of Chimichangas and a large pitcher of margaritas and sadly salsa dancing with Senoritas, you are going to have the audacity to charge him with a $75.00 processing fee?

Well that just sucks the frigging right out of the wonderful, Triple A.

You can just forget the whole thing!

Until next time . . . I love you (but that doesn’t go for you Triple A)

What Came In The Mail

Dear Readers!  I gallivanted to my mailbox this morning, and discovered I had another suitor! 

It seems Xfinity is now in crazy, passionate occupant love with little ol’ moi! 

Ah!  Be still my beating letter opener!

First off, no matter what I decide about whether I’m going to allow myself to be “wooed” by Xfinity, they want me to know that this plastic card that was attached to the occupant love letter is mine to keep!

When it comes to occupant love, a plastic card is the equivalent of a diamond engagement ring except it’s not as sparkly, it can’t cut glass, and isn’t worth diddly, but still . . . .

Then there’s this:

Don’t worry, you don’t need to read it, it’s way too boring, (sigh) however I did read it and here’s what it more or less says:

  • If you pay Xfinity $30 every month, they’ll put security cameras all over your house so that if you decide to go to Hawaii, you’ll be able to sit on the beach and stare at your house on your smart phone to make sure everything is still not stolen every minute of every day until it’s time to come home.
  • Or it means you’ll be able to actually watch live on your smart phone as a burglar breaks into your house and steals all your stuff!
  • And Xfinity is also offering the handy feature of being able to control the lights in your home remotely so that while you are sitting on the beach in Hawaii you can turn the lights on in your house in order to better see the burglar who is stealing all your stuff.

Jeepers!  That’s a pretty good deal Xfinity is offering little ol’ moi!  Let’s see what other occupant tokens of love Xfinity is throwing at me to win my affections:

Oh Goody!  A touch screen controller . . .So when my grandson touches all the buttons trying to access Elmo, it will accidentally trigger the swat team to be dispatched to my house. Well, okay, that’s pretty cool.

And, with this 3 window/door sensors Xfinity is offering to provide me with much needed help when it comes to sensing which is a door and which is a window.  Well that’s over-the-top thoughtful!  I’m really liking the direction Xfinity is going in with this one!

Oh wow!  Every time we move, an alarm will go off at the police department!  Well, I’m all for that.  Who wouldn’t be?

Woo-hoo!  A keypad!  Xfinity doesn’t say what this if for but I think we all know by now, don’t we?  That’s right.  It’s the Xfinity Wireless Keypad to my heart! Because Xfinity has finally managed to woo me with their tokens of occupant affection.

All that’s left to say to Xfinity is,  “you had me at  “Dear Linda Vernon and/or Occupant:  My beloved OOXXOOXXfinity!”

And that’s what came in the mail today, Dear Readers.

Until next time . . . I still love you but not quite as much as I do you know who

What Came in the Mail

 Item 1

I got a letter from the cable company today and these words were emblazoned across the envelope:

“Look Inside to See What’s Waiting for You”

I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer not to have anything “waiting for me inside.”  Maybe it’s going to jump out and scare me.

And besides, what if it’s not waiting anymore. What if it got tired of waiting . . . and now it’s LURKING . . . I don’t want to look inside if something is lurking in there for me.

“Bwahaha”

Then again, it could just be that the cable company wants me to look inside to see what’s waiting for me because they think I’m expecting them to send me an empty envelope. Perhaps they imagine the following scenario :

“We got another envelope from the cable company today. What should I do?”

“Hmmm. . . that’s a tough one. Does it say ‘look inside to see what’s waiting for you?”

No.”

“Then don’t look inside, just throw it away.”

Item 2

Our Auto Insurance Coverage Summary finally arrived. (And here you were about to give up. Oh ye of little faith.) Inside “waiting/lurking” was the “Declarations Page.”

They would have called it the Declaration’s Page with an apostrophe, but apostrophes are so expensive nowadays and using one would have caused our auto insurance rates to skyrocket. The “Declarations Page” goes on to declare that:

“Our policy has changed effective May 15 2011.”

Shhh. . . don’t mention that it’s a little late for this news. The Declarations Page takes itself very seriously and you’ll only cause a fight.

Item 3

An offer for a Nokia phone came in.

Hello Linda Vernon,

(Note the use of the comma instead of a colon which means they consider me a friend; in fact, they might even be falling in love.)

It goes on to say:

You’ve been such a great customer; you deserve something special from us.

(Ok, flattery will get you everywhere. What is it?)

Get your free  phone with free delivery!

(Ah shucks, you shouldn’t have.)

It’s yours free after a $50 mail-in rebate debit card with a two-year service agreement.

(Ok, now I’m tearing up.)

It has the largest digital voice and data network in American covering 273 million people and it’s growing all the time!

(You had me at hello.)

Until next time . . . I love you