Item 1
I got a letter from the cable company today and these words were emblazoned across the envelope:
“Look Inside to See What’s Waiting for You”
I don’t know about you, but I’d prefer not to have anything “waiting for me inside.” Maybe it’s going to jump out and scare me.
And besides, what if it’s not waiting anymore. What if it got tired of waiting . . . and now it’s LURKING . . . I don’t want to look inside if something is lurking in there for me.
“Bwahaha”
Then again, it could just be that the cable company wants me to look inside to see what’s waiting for me because they think I’m expecting them to send me an empty envelope. Perhaps they imagine the following scenario :
“We got another envelope from the cable company today. What should I do?”
“Hmmm. . . that’s a tough one. Does it say ‘look inside to see what’s waiting for you?”
No.”
“Then don’t look inside, just throw it away.”
Item 2
Our Auto Insurance Coverage Summary finally arrived. (And here you were about to give up. Oh ye of little faith.) Inside “waiting/lurking” was the “Declarations Page.”
They would have called it the Declaration’s Page with an apostrophe, but apostrophes are so expensive nowadays and using one would have caused our auto insurance rates to skyrocket. The “Declarations Page” goes on to declare that:
“Our policy has changed effective May 15 2011.”
Shhh. . . don’t mention that it’s a little late for this news. The Declarations Page takes itself very seriously and you’ll only cause a fight.
Item 3
An offer for a Nokia phone came in.
Hello Linda Vernon,
(Note the use of the comma instead of a colon which means they consider me a friend; in fact, they might even be falling in love.)
It goes on to say:
You’ve been such a great customer; you deserve something special from us.
(Ok, flattery will get you everywhere. What is it?)
Get your free phone with free delivery!
(Ah shucks, you shouldn’t have.)
It’s yours free after a $50 mail-in rebate debit card with a two-year service agreement.
(Ok, now I’m tearing up.)
It has the largest digital voice and data network in American covering 273 million people and it’s growing all the time!
(You had me at hello.)
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Great post mom! You had me laughing at “Look inside to see what’s waiting for you”
I love how you can make everyday boring mail hilarious yet interesting. I’m getting excited to go home and open my junk mail so that I can see what’s waiting for ME. It just might be an insurance policy change or a letter telling me about how I need to own another credit card. Hopefully what’s waiting for me isn’t a homeless guy. They have been known to linger around the mail box.
I know, I hate junk mail, but when I don’t get any I feel kind of neglected.