It Came in the Mail: So You’re Going to Die

Dear Readers!  Exultation at the mailbox!

The American Automobile Association otherwise known as Triple A Life Insurance Company was kind enough to send me a Notice that I’m going to die — it’s just a matter of time . . . but until I do can I please send them some money?

Look how official the Notice is!

Junk Mail from Triple A
How can I not send Triple A money when they went to so much trouble to make this Notice — with my very own name on it!

And best of all, there’s no Medical Exam Required! 

All I have to do is answer a few simple questions to see if I qualify.  Well, Dear Reader, I think you will agree that that’s not just wonderful, that’s frigging wonderful!

And More Great News

If an insured member, such as myself, is diagnosed with a terminal illness that will cause death, such as my own, in 12 months or less?  No Worries!  They’re not even going to go back and try to figure out where I lied on medical questionnaire they sent me!  (Ha! Suckers!)

And yet, I — as the person who will be dead in 12 months or less — will still be eligible to receive a lump sum Accelerated Death Benefit amount that my spouse can use any way he wants to — like finally taking that Mexican vacation to forget he was ever married to ol’ Linda whatshername!

Man sunbathing by a swiming pool
“Waiter, hand me my sombrero and get me another margarita please? . . . and not so much salt this time . . huh? I’m in mourning.”

Isn’t that just Frigging Wonderful Dear Reader?  

. . .  uh oh . . . wait a minute . . . . hold the phone . . . I just read further down on the page and it says:

If you receive an Accelerated Death Benefit amount, we will deduct a  processing fee of $75.00

What?!?

So let me get this straight, Triple A.  You’re saying that when my poor spouse is in Mexico crying his eyes out –beside himself with grief — trying to choke down a couple of Chimichangas and a large pitcher of margaritas and sadly salsa dancing with Senoritas, you are going to have the audacity to charge him with a $75.00 processing fee?

Well that just sucks the frigging right out of the wonderful, Triple A.

You can just forget the whole thing!

Until next time . . . I love you (but that doesn’t go for you Triple A)