Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Braces
When I was ten, the family dentist and my parents made a secret plan to make my teeth straight. It didn’t involve braces. Instead, it involved pulling out five of my permanent teeth.
When Teeth Fly
I remember several visits to the dentist wherein he grabbed a tooth with his pliers and pulled with all his might until my tooth would finally be uprooted and go flying across the room and hit the wall.
He seemed to think this was a perfectly normal occurrence (which I’m sure in his case it was) and, since I didn’t have anything to compare it to — I thought so too. That is until I had my wisdom teeth removed years later and guess what? Nothing went flying anywhere.
Look Ma! No Braces!
Anyway, getting five of my permanent teeth extracted did the trick. My teeth were tolerably straight for a good portion of my life.
The Minute My Mouth is Closed
Then suddenly one morning, one of my front teeth began to stick out farther than the rest. At first, it was hardly noticeable. That’s because this rebel tooth did all its traveling when I wasn’t looking.
If I were to smile into a mirror at any given moment, this tooth would freeze and stay in that exact position until I closed my mouth and then it would continue on it’s mission which, obviously, was to become a Hillbilly Tooth.
The Miraculous Transformation
Over the years, slowly but surely this hillbilly tooth wannabe has made a miraculous migration from sitting straight-in-a-row with all the other front teeth — content to be an all-around team player — to Class Clown of the Mouth. So that today, this tooth has positioned itself in such a way as to stick out way beyond all the others making it appear as if I just have the one.
Surgery for the Problem Child
A couple of years ago I decided I would do something about my problem child tooth. I looked into getting cosmetic dental surgery. The dentist made a mould of my mouth, and we went into the conference room to discuss what could be done.
The Dentist Who Cared Too Much (and had absolutely no sense of humor)
It didn’t help any that the dentist had tears in his eyes when he set the mould of my wayward teeth in front of me. This is the consultation that followed and to quote Dave Barry, I am not making this up.
To lighten up the mood, I remarked, “Those are my teeth? Gee, they’re pretty crooked. In fact, I’ve seen straighter teeth on the 20,000-year-old skulls they’ve excavated on the Discovery Channel.”
To which the dentist replied solemnly, “I know.”
“Well is there anything you can do about it?”
“Not really . . . unless you want to get braces.”
“Braces! But I’m 55 years old!” (although I was wearing my hair in a ponytail that day so maybe he thought I was younger . . . emotionally anyway.)
“There are a lot of OLD PEOPLE LIKE YOU who get braces,” he assured me. “In fact, I had a patient in here the other day who just got his braces off and his teeth looked great!”
“How old was he?”
“85.”
Paying for Invisiline Braces with Invisible Money
So I went to an orthodontist. He informed me that I can get Invisiline braces, (the removable, see-through kind) for somewhere between $5,000 to $7000 dollars.
Hmmm. . After Giving the Matter a Lot of Thought . . .
I’ve decided to wait because who knows? Maybe my hillbilly tooth will come into fashion one of these days. And if that doesn’t happen?
There’s always mouth modeling for the Discovery Channel.
Until next time, I love you . . .
Linda Vernon Humor 
This post is making me laugh out loud! The last line especially. You’re so clever mom ;). I find it even funnier that the dentist took your crooked tooth so seriously. I think he’s spent to many years looking at and thinking about teeth. What a dope!
I wouldn’t straighten the one crooked tooth. What if it was the power and key to all of your witty humor and intellect. For all we know straightening the hillbilly tooth might make you as dumb as a hillbilly.
This is hilarious. I laughed out loud. Yes, here in my house all alone. Just my iPad and me. I’ve noticed that sometimes professional people take their work so seriously, it makes my giggles and guffaws while in their offices seem out of place. Well, except for the plastic surgeon that did my breast reconstruction after my mastectomy. He laughed first. What a relief.
Thanks for the laugh.
So glad you like it! And I know what you mean about professional people taking everything so seriously. It’s really gives me the giggles even more when nobody else is laughing – or thinks it’s funny! 😀
You sound like you’ve got a great plastic surgeon! 🙂
Ok! I give up! I’m signing up for your electronic emails! This is the third story I’ve read & I am now convinced I can not go on living without them. I even posted this on on my FB page cuz it made me laugh & scared me at the same time.
Wow! Thank you Geri! I’m so glad you are enjoying the blog. Now if you want to sign up all you have to do is go to Follow the Minty Freshness on top right-hand side of the blog and type in your email address. And thank you so much for coming by AND posting on Facebook! 😀
When I moved to a new town, I brought my 9 year-old-daughter (now 42) to a new pediatrician. On the way home, I asked her if she liked him and she said “No, he didn’t get my jokes.” I concur with you: don’t use a doctor with no sense of humor.
Hahaha! Ain’t it the truth. Your daughter sounds like she was a real little character! 😀
Linda, this situation is what we dentists call “Applying for a UK Passport”.
Since it costs $7,000 to correct your teeth to US standards yet it only costs £3,000 to arrive at a UK port, declare yourself a victim of cultural hatred and obtain a UK passport, I suggest that instead you change your nationality by contacting http://www.teethfortruth.com and enroll for a quick round-trip – or “toothcation” – as we call it.
As the CEO of teethfortruth I can guarantee that I will benefit substantially from your wise decision.
To allay any doubts you may have, I can assure you that several of my teeth are so far out of line that they require their own postal code.
Apply today and you could win a small mammal. (species of mammal may be altered without prior notice. Make room in your garage.)
LOL! OMG Roadwax! *Wiping tears of laughter off my teeth* Why oh why didn’t I think of applying for a UK passport instead of getting braces? It would have solved a majority of problems and for half the price!
I thought you made up Teeth for Truth until I went there! Life is stranger than fiction! And you’ll have to check out this:
http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/japan-crooked-teeth-yaeba-trend-imperfection-add-sex-appeal-article-1.1130812
Your tooth has it own postal code? That’s just impressive!
And I can’t wait for my mystery animal to arrive! Be sure to send it c/o my eye tooth, Machu Picchu Peru.
Yes – I have made a generous offer for their dental business as well so that I can cover both ends of the market. The pursuit of profit is paramount to me, as you know.
My warehouse manager informs me that our last okapis have just escaped and made a run for the bus station. Always seems to happen at weekends.
Am filling the crate instead with ring-tailed coatis – hope that is okay with you. It seems a shame to waste a perfectly good box.
Roadwax,
So delighted to hear that the UK bus system has finally gotten the weekend goat situation under control allowing more room for obscure animals to finally get away for the weekend (or perhaps forever).
And of course, I’m not the least bit surprised, what with your commitment to profit, that you had the vision to only stock obscure animals that fit in the same size box. (Steve Jobs could have really used a guy like you).
I eagerly await the arrival of my ring-tail coatis and I’m sure– oh the UPS driver just left a packaged outside my door. I’m opening it as I type this . . . . well, I’ll be darned. A ring-tail coatis looks and sounds exactly like a goat!! Who knew?
Oh – and many thanks for the Machu Picchu tip!
It seems like a perfect addition for my Holiday Timeshare Investment portfolio. Just need my art department to photo-shop a few roofs on and add a small supermarket.
Have added extra coatis to crate in appreciation.
Oh goody now I can start a coatis farm! Funny how life turns out sometimes.
🙂 Try to consult with Toothsome…. hehehehe I love you too! xoxo
Ha ha! Dolly! I will next time . . . 😀 xoxo!
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LOL…this one is a great story! I’d put you up against Cosby’s story of his visit to the dentist…it’s that good! Keep on going, you old lady! (Ha, wish I was 55 again…but at least I’m not 85. Count the blessings).
Skip 🙂 xo
Oh such wonderful praise. Thank you so much Skip I’m so glad you enjoyed this one!
I was eating lunch with an elderly friend in an assisted living facility once and they brought in a cake and sang happy birthday for a man who was turning 96. After the song was over, I hear one old guy remark, “Ah! to be 96 again!” So I guess it’s all relative!! 😀
Thanks for reading my blog. I will follow yours and invite you to follow mine. beeebeeswirld
Your most welcome Beebee! I look forward to reading more of your writing! 😀
Hysterical description of what is going on in my old mouth as well!
Reblogged this on Wilted Leaf and commented:
A riot of a story!
Thank you for reading my blog. I’m going to subscribe to yours because I can use all the humor I can get and love your writing. I think most people can use a good laugh these days.
Oh Patricia! Thank you so much for that wonderful compliment! Your support means a lot to me! 😀
Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in a long time! I was Googling around the web, looking for an answer to why one of my front tooth has suddenly moved, and is sticking WAY out of alignment. I found no satisfactory answers, but I did find your blog, and enjoyed it so much. Especially the part about the man who got braces on his teeth at age 85. I’ll be turning 80 this summer, so I’m encouraged the know that I’m not too old to get my teeth straightened!
Oh Marilyn! It is so nice to hear from you! How happy I am that you came across my blog in your search for straighter teeth. Since I wrote that, I went ahead and bit the bullet and got Invisilign braces. I wore them for 18 months and my front tooth went back where it belongs. For about ten minutes. Even though I was given a retainer to keep my hillbilly tooth in line, that same tooth started stick out again. So I went to my dentist and he ground down my two front teeth and put vaneers on them. Guess what? Two weeks later my hillbilly tooth started sticking out again!! I have an appointment with my dentist on Tuesday. I don’t know if there’s anything left to do now except pull the darn thing!! Anyway, thank you so much for coming by. Your comment made my day! And good luck with your hillbilly tooth!
Hi Linda – Thanks for your response. I’m afraid that trying to do something about my “hillbilly tooth” at this point in time, is a hopeless endeavor. I should be grateful to still have all my teeth, even though they are nothing like they used to be. Alas, nothing stays the same! Good luck at the dentist on Tuesday I’m looking forward to following your blog.
Oh thank you Marilyn! I should be happy to still have my teeth too. Even if they are misbehaved children! 😀
This is my first time visit at here and i am genuinely pleassant to read
all at one place.
Oh how very nice of you to stop by and read. Welcome Deneen!!