Pottery Barn

Pottery Barn Presents: (part 2)

Linda Vernon Pottery Barn , , ,
If you feel like sneezing just use the hanky pinned to this bulletin board

Leave it to PB to come up with this idea.  You see, this isn’t just your ordinary bulletin board that you could buy at, say, anywhere for $15. 

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! (For more no’s see page 378)

Apparently PB has to tell us everything . . . sigh . . .  For this is not –as first suggested– an ordinary bulletin board but rather PB informs us is, in fact, a:

LARGE LINEN PINBOARD

You see, Pottery Barn has cunningly pasted some tan material . . . oops what am I saying?  I mean “stone colored linen” to whisk away the harsh, bourgeois-look of the K-Mart y corkboard from the style-sensitive eyes of the discerning PB Customer and/or Catalog Browseree.   

Just in case you’re not impressed enough already, PB tells us very clearly ( practically in baby talk really) just exactly how this LARGE LINEN PINBOARD will make our lives more worth living by going on to say this:

“Stone-colored linen provides a generous neutral backdrop for displaying photos and notes.”

And since PB is already feeling generous, they also want us to know that they are throwing in 20 metal pushpins.  Yes, you read that correctly.

20!    Metal!   Pushpins!    Come with!

And the price tag for aaaaallllllllll this? (to see the word “all” stretched out to even more  ridiculous proportions see page 379) they are only asking  . . .

$149 lousy little dollars.   Mm-hmm . . . that’s right! Only $7.45 per pushpin. 

Which really isn’t that much when you think about what you’re not getting.

P.S.

PB wants us to please be advised that we can only purchase the LARGE LINEN PINBOARD by ordering it online or through the catalog so that PB won’t be so ashamed of itself were someone to actually pay $149 for a $15 bulletin board in person.  It just gets awkward, that’s all.

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn Presents: (part 1)

Linda Vernon Pottery Barn , , , ,

The Andover Collection (and over it you hang your TV)

So Pottery Barn is proud to present this huge block of wood with lots and lots and lots of drawers.

 But wait!  PB tells us these are not drawers.  They are component cubbies!

In case you are wondering what a component is don’t worry, I’m married to an engineer. 

And he tells me that a component is a piece of or a part of something.

So then this is a chest full of cubbies for pieces of or parts of something.

Why don’t we just skip all that and store the scissors in there.  So go ahead and put them in one of the cubbies.  Go ahead, pick one.  We don’t have all day.  Ok, there you go!  Now go bake a cake and come back later but don’t make a mess.

But before you go, know this.  The Andover Collection of furniture is and I quote, “like well traveled [dude]”.   

This furniture has been “painted and repainted over time.”  Yes you got that right “over time!” Do you know what that means?

It means Pottery Barn is utilizing the fourth dimension to enhance the beauty of their cubbies.

So, of course, you will be asked to pay a little more than your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, three-dimensional cubbies (if you can even call them that).

And just in case you’re not reaching for your ATM Card, PB needs you to understand that this particular Andover Collection of 40 drawers . . . uh I mean cubbies . . . have been painted and sanded and burnished by hand with a “rich espresso finish.” 

Do you have any conception how many coffee breaks had to go awry to get that finish?  Well, don’t even think about it.  It will only make you thirsty.

Now Pottery Barn wants you to go sit down for this next piece of or part of component of information (but don’t get anything dirty).

It’s on sale!

It was $1,398, but now it’s $1299 which is supposed to sound like it’s $100 off but not exactly because it’s only $99.00 off.

But what difference does one lousy buck make you ask?  PB can’t believe you have the audacity to ask such a thing.

Rest assured it makes a bigger difference to Pottery Barn than it does to you because PB is respected for their ability to come up with:   A Comfortable Style– A Design Guide for Casual Living!  And you, my friend, are not.

Now go get your stupid scissors and get out!  PB is sick of the sight of you.  And never darken Pottery Barn’s door again — not even with what’s left of that no doubt inferior espresso you’re drinking.

Until next time . . . I love you (sort of)

Pottery Barn

Linda Vernon Pottery Barn , , ,

I’ve never bought anything from the Pottery Barn but somehow I get their catalogs in the mail anyway.   Here are some of the Pottery Barn offerings:

Bowl of rolls
Twenty Bucks for the tongs and Forty bucks for the bowl. But it's sustainable!

At first glance this blackboard seems to be trying a little too hard, decoratively speaking.  However, when you study it for a minute you will be much more impressed.  You see, this is a blackboard that is actually a huge wine shopping list and attached to it are metal bottle holders to hold the bottles of wine that correspond to the list on the blackboard. Pottery Barn calls this the Wine Tasting Library.  As you can see, someone has  polished  scratched off several bottles in no particular order.  Genius!  Your hunt for the perfect gift for that near-sighted wino in your life?  Solved! It doesn’t say how much it costs.  Who cares!  Live! Love! Swill!

Oh, and notice on the table that Pottery Barn already has those roll bowl sustainable trees started. That Pottery Barn always thinkin’ ahead!!

Pottery Barn's stylishly messy storage solutions.

See that bookcase that’s holding up all the books that are turned the wrong way so you can’t read any of the titles?  It costs $2,199. The description in the catalog insists it’s well worth it because “it stands more than 6 feet high” (much better than that short, fat and bald bookcase you’ve got now) and “it has a natural weathered finish that accentuates each whorl and knot” (providing you don’t cover them up by storing stuff in it) and “the bookcase’s four fixed shelves are generously sized to hold everything from books to baskets” (baskets full of nonsense, lies and exaggerations, that is).

Until next time . . . I love you