Pottery Barn: What’s Wrong with Grams?

Hello Dear Readers!  Today it is time to put laughter and happiness aside, at least momentarily, to conduct a little Pottery Barn Family counseling.  For you see, something is terribly wrong with one of Pottery Barn’s most beloved family members . . . .Grams.

As you can see from this snippet of the Pottery Barn’s Daily System White Board Calendar ($54) of which Gram’s plays an integral part, Grams is usually a very busy gal what with all the Labor Day Truffle hunting and the hours spent picking out cat colors for the bedroom.

But frankly Grams has been acting peculiar lately.  In fact, sometimes Grams’ lucidity is a bit sketchy.

Let’s just come right out and say it,  there’s an elephant in the tastefully designed Pottery Barn Family living room featuring Benchwright Collection (skillfully handcrafted by Canadian people $5,180), and her name is Grams.

For instance, yesterday Grams was supposed to be laying out a stylish brunch for the Pottery Barn Family on the Artisan-made Cambria Cortona buffet (handcrafted by Portuguese Mermen $4,480.99) and, well, things got a little crazy.  A little inexplicable.  A little no longer in touch with reality-ish, if you will.

Let’s take a look at the buffet supper that Grams put together.

As you can see, the first thing Grams did was inexplicably saw off the bed posts from the Pottery Barn Family’s beautifully crafted Claudia Bed Collection (an Edwardian style update — updated by Ed himself $1849), just so she could put it on the buffet table. You can also see that Grams took it upon herself to randomly nail cereal bowls to the wall.

 Uh oh . . . this can only mean one thing. Grams finally discovered where her Pottery Barn Family hid the hammer and the saw from her after the “incident” last spring. . .and where did they hide it?  Why in  the beautifully crafted Andover Drawer Cabinet  (weathered by the tears of  Carolina pine forest wood nymphs $2,249).

“I’ll find me that there hammer and saw if  it’s the last thing I do!” Oh wait . . . here they is in the very first drawer HA!.”  — Grams

Now let’s take a look at the really troubling sign that Grams is completely out of her gourd  by examining  the so-called “brunch” Grams put together.

It seems as plain as the nose on Grams’ face, that Grams is having a little trouble with her ability to carry out even the simplest of tasks like preparing a lavishly stylish brunch that would be pleasing to the collective eyes, ears, nose and throat of her Pottery Barn Family.

First, Grams polished off three large tumblers of wine (in three different glasses).  And then Grams laid out a brunch for her Pottery Barn Family consisting of one giant bowl of potatoes and grapes, one hammer-smashed walnut and half an orange peel.

As you will no doubt agree, the Pottery Barn Family had no choice but to schedule a lobotomy for their beloved Grams — not only for her own good; but for the collective good of the Pottery Barn Family’s home –a home, after all,  that is a vivid reflection of their passions, their dreams and their elegant decorating style.  Sans one crazy old lady, that is!

Until next time . . . I love you and so does Pottery Barn (oh who are we kidding, no they don’t!)

Pottery Barn Presents: (part 1)

The Andover Collection (and over it you hang your TV)

So Pottery Barn is proud to present this huge block of wood with lots and lots and lots of drawers.

 But wait!  PB tells us these are not drawers.  They are component cubbies!

In case you are wondering what a component is don’t worry, I’m married to an engineer. 

And he tells me that a component is a piece of or a part of something.

So then this is a chest full of cubbies for pieces of or parts of something.

Why don’t we just skip all that and store the scissors in there.  So go ahead and put them in one of the cubbies.  Go ahead, pick one.  We don’t have all day.  Ok, there you go!  Now go bake a cake and come back later but don’t make a mess.

But before you go, know this.  The Andover Collection of furniture is and I quote, “like well traveled [dude]”.   

This furniture has been “painted and repainted over time.”  Yes you got that right “over time!” Do you know what that means?

It means Pottery Barn is utilizing the fourth dimension to enhance the beauty of their cubbies.

So, of course, you will be asked to pay a little more than your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, three-dimensional cubbies (if you can even call them that).

And just in case you’re not reaching for your ATM Card, PB needs you to understand that this particular Andover Collection of 40 drawers . . . uh I mean cubbies . . . have been painted and sanded and burnished by hand with a “rich espresso finish.” 

Do you have any conception how many coffee breaks had to go awry to get that finish?  Well, don’t even think about it.  It will only make you thirsty.

Now Pottery Barn wants you to go sit down for this next piece of or part of component of information (but don’t get anything dirty).

It’s on sale!

It was $1,398, but now it’s $1299 which is supposed to sound like it’s $100 off but not exactly because it’s only $99.00 off.

But what difference does one lousy buck make you ask?  PB can’t believe you have the audacity to ask such a thing.

Rest assured it makes a bigger difference to Pottery Barn than it does to you because PB is respected for their ability to come up with:   A Comfortable Style– A Design Guide for Casual Living!  And you, my friend, are not.

Now go get your stupid scissors and get out!  PB is sick of the sight of you.  And never darken Pottery Barn’s door again — not even with what’s left of that no doubt inferior espresso you’re drinking.

Until next time . . . I love you (sort of)