AARP Membership

The AARP / AAA Smackdown for Little Ol’ Moi

Linda Vernon It Came In the Mail, Things I Have Trouble With , , , , , , , , , , ,

Gosh! I haven’t been this popular since I was in the eighth grade and three boys liked me at the same time.  But that magical time of youth was nothing compared to the fuss AARP and AAA are making over me. It’s enough to make a girl blush into a coma! LOL (laughing out loud)

And all because I’m so alluring (ly old).

Today it’s AAA that’s come a-courting.  For instance, this tender love letter  arrived only moments ago by special dispatch because, ahem . . . there’s not a minute to lose:

Now that’s exactly what I was thinking on the way to my mailbox . . .  I was literally thinking if only someone, somewhere would just give an old, sick, poor loser such as myself one last chance . . . well, I just figured it was just some kind of OFFOM! (old-fogey fantasy of mine)

And then when I proceeded to read:

“Or you may want to wipe out any outstanding debts after your passsing or relieve your family from the expense of a funeral.”

Well, doggone it, my heart melted, AAA! (American Automobile Association!)

You are so Frigging Sweet!  You mean to tell me you want to wipe out my debts after my passing?  You are soooo adorable OMG ! (oh my god!)

One small question though– you don’t say after passing what?  Do you mean after passing the bar exam or something because I’ve never been to law school — you must be getting me mixed up with someone else. ROFBAHL  (rolling on floor breaking a hip laughing!)

Anyway, I’m delighted that you want to relieve my family from the expense of a funeral and that’s great and all, but we don’t normally go around paying for random people’s funerals so I’m a little confused MBTA! (must be the alzheimers!)

But wait a minute.   Are you being ironic on purpose AAA?  Because didn’t you just imply that any minute now I could KTB? (kick the bucket?)  Oh I get it, you’re just messing with my SM!  (senile mind!)

SILLY AAA! (silly american automobile association!)

PS. I so frigging love you right now I can’t even say!

************

Until next time . . . I love you

AARP the Sound Old People Make When They Burp

Linda Vernon It Came In the Mail , , , ,

Good News (possibly)! Just got my AARP Membership Activation Form in the mail since I’m over 50 but I don’t look it, only they left out the but I don’t look it part.

They want me to send them money since they have already gone to the trouble of printing out two cards for me with my name on it. 

AARP says that they will send me a new card and a full description of benefits after I pay them.  So not to worry, once I buy it, then they will tell me exactly what I just bought.

So if I pay them$63 now, I can start enjoying privileges!  Hurrah!  There’s nothing I like better than a $63 worth of privileges!

Here’s the AARP (pardon me!) Statement of Benefits:

Item 001 

(Note the two zeros before the actual item number –there’s my first privilege right there.  They obviously brought out their good zeros for this offer, make no mistake!)

Up to 25% savings on car rentals. 

But “up to” is the key phrase here.  We all know what an “up to” savings means.  It means you’re never going to actually get the full “up to” amount of 25%.  I never have anyway.  And I would remember if I did since the main reason I buy stuff is because it’s up to 25% off.

Item 002:

Exclusive information and resources.

This phrase is a little vague, sure, but they go on to explain as follows:

The award-winning AARP The Magazine.  Most interesting, most helpful to everyone over 50.

Apparently the award was for incomplete sentences.

As far as resources go, they’re keeping that vague too.  Perhaps we are to assume that they are offering natural resources like say, bauxite or aluminum.  Well, hopefully they’ll explain after I send them the money.

Item 003:

Discounts and special member programs on prescriptions and health services.

There’s another one of their awarding-winning incomplete sentences.  Maybe their attorneys have advised them to drop any actual verbs so there won’t be anything to get all litigious about.

Item 004:

We are fighting for your American Dream.

Say What?   And they want us to pay them for that?  I’m fighting for the American Dream too, in my own way, and I’m not even asking AARP to chip in on gas.

Item 005

Access to Financial Programs

Excuse me but shouldn’t AARP be providing handicapped access to financial programs?

Item 006

Community programs and services.

Over 2,000 local chapters.  Volunteer opportunities.  Safe driving course.

So let me get this straight.  AARP wants me to send them $63 so I can become an AARP volunteer.  Hmmm. . . . and then they’re going to trick me into taking “safe driving course” which will result in them finding out what a horrible driver I actually am and getting my license taken away from me permanently.

But just as I’m deciding I don’t want their stinking privileges,  they have to go and make it a really hard decision by throwing this in at the end:

Free Travel Bag with the sound old people make when they burp emblazoned across the front

Ok, fine I’ll take it.

Until next time . . . I love you