You Sew and Sew!

Ok, if you ever inadvertently get stuck in somebody’s time machine  and there’s an earthquake and you accidentally fall on the “time lever” and jam it on 1974, and you’re  good at following sewing instructions, this is the book for you!

That’s because this Better Homes and Gardens 1974 edition of Sewing for Your Home will teach you how to decorate every single room in your house utilizing nothing more than a bolt of cotton, a spool of thread and a burning desire to be the bobbin.

So let’s open some pages, shall we?

First Up:

Merciful Heaven! Avert your eyes! It's the PACIFIC OCEAN!

As you can see, this room’s hideous view of the  Pacific Ocean —  that normally would be a depressing nightmare — has been cleverly camouflaged (thank gaud) by an outpouring of colors so cheerfully conceived, so brilliantly sewn, so hyperactively vibrant, that it’s sure to leave a permanent mark on your sense of style as well as on your actual retinas themselves.

Check this out:

Checkered shades? Check! Checkered chairs? Check! Checkered rug? Check! Did you check the checkers to make sure they are still checking? Check!

Talk about a  “Conversation Area” that will really give you something to babble incoherently about!

Forget about waterboarding, if the CIA would just sew up a cozy conversation corner such as this one to detain detainees while they are waiting to be detained, they’d be spilling the beans in about five minutes flat.  Three if they opened up the shades and revealed The Hideous View of the Pacific Ocean.

What about:

"Look Honey! I sewed it myself after chugging just one cup full of LSD!"

In my humble opinion, this room deserves the Nobel Prize for  successfully expressing, through the magic of  home sewing symbolism (and possibly hallucinogens), every single event that has ever occurred in the history of mankind right up to last Thursday while — at the same time — keeping the Hideous View of the  Pacific Ocean well hidden from esthetically sensitive eyeballs of the esthetically sensitive.

It’s a bathroom, right?

Finally a room without The Hideous View of the Pacific Ocean!

Everything in this handsomely appointed bathroom  — from the tank cozy right down to the hand-stitched toilet paper– was obviously lovingly sewn by a home sewer sewer-system sewer. 

Unfortunately, no mention is made about how to  protect yourself from the flotilla of pathogens multiplying at an alarming rate in the luxurious Shag Carpeting.  Quickly!  Turn to page 208 and see if there’s instruction on how to sew a your own Hazmat Suit.  Hurry! I feel sick!

So there you have it dear reader.  And what did we learn today?  That’s right!  Never be inside a time machine during an earthquake.

Until next time . . . I love you