Hey Lookee Me! I’m Gluten Free!

Welcome Welcome Dear Readers! This is a post about what happened when I decided to go gluten free.

I went to Fryes this weekend to buy a breadmaker.  I don’t really like Fryes much because I think they are over-priced and while they look like they have a lot of choices, it seems like they always only have one left of the thing I came to buy – which makes me suspicious that somebody bought it, took it home, found out there were missing parts, returned it, and the clerk taped it back up and put it back on the shelf.

But I bought it anyway because I’m too lazy to go to any other stores because I don’t know where they are located complicated by the fact that I don’t know what store it is that I need to go to.

So you see, it’s much simpler to just get whatever is on the shelf at Fryes.

Another thing I don’t like about Fryes is that the clerks, while they are polite and seem helpful, never really are helpful.  It usually goes something like this:

Clerk:  “May I help you?”

Me:  “Yes, I want to buy a breadmaker and there’s only one on the shelf. Are there anymore in the back?”

Clerk:  “I don’t know, I don’t think so.”

Me:  “Can you check?”

Clerk: “No, I’m sure there’s no more in the back.”

Me:  “Well, do you know if this last breadmaker on the shelf here is in a box that has been opened previously?”

Clerk:  “I don’t know.  Let me see.” The clerk looks at the box, “I don’t think so.  But you can always bring it back if it has.”

Then when you get in the checkout line, Fryes has this elaborate maze set up lined with snacks, books, electronics and As Seen on TV items to ponder. It makes you feel like a rat in a maze — a rat with a debit card in a maze.

When you get to the front of the line there is a clerk whose sole job is to tell you which register has a green light. When I went this weekend the guy told me the wrong number! I think he was just standing there blurting out numbers at random  52 . . . 17 . . . 43 . . . . (probably punctuated by thoughts such as I can’t believe I immigrated for this).

But you can’t really blame him for not putting his “all” into it since there is not much opportunity for promotion.  Unless, of course, he could somehow get on as the guy who reads off the lottery numbers on TV.

I stopped at the health food store on my way back from Fryes to get some gluten-free bread mix.  I’ve decided to go gluten-free which is why I bought the breadmaker.  I’m also trying to keep my diet dairy-free and sugar-free.  If I keep this up eventually I’ll be eating a totally food-free diet.

Anyway, this little visit to the health food store cost almost as much as the breadmaker did.  I guess health food stores operate under the assumption that, if you shop at their store and eat their healthy products, you will be less likely to have a heart attack when you see how much your health food purchase came to.

So I got home and poured in the gluten-free bread ingredients into the breadmaker (no parts missing btw . . . YAY!); plugged it in and it started making bread.

Making bread is scarier than making other baked goods because it has yeast in it which can make it do things on its own accord. Plus it’s in a machine that has been designed especially to help bread do what it does on its own accord; so you have to trust that it is going to do what it is supposed to do and not suddenly take on a life of its own and expand to fit the size of the kitchen or some other sci-fi thing like that.

But I am happy to report that I made the gluten-free bread without having to call my homeowner’s insurance agent, and it turned out exactly as it was supposed to turn out.

Which is apparently to taste just like cardboard only with crumbs.

But once I slathered it with butter and honey, it tasted fine.  So much for the dairy-free and sugar-free diet. But who cares because now I can say:

Hey lookee me!  I’m Gluten-Free!

Until next time . . . I love you

13 thoughts on “Hey Lookee Me! I’m Gluten Free!

  1. I can’t believe you’re mocking Frye’s outreach hiring program for dmaged quarterbacks.
    Where else will these noble heros find employment, when all tehy can do is bellow random numbers incoherently?

    • Oh so that’s what’s going on. Well and those quarterbacks are doing a fine job of it too. 47 32 24 . . . where would I be without 33 . . . your wisdom 79 . . . 11 Guap! . . . 9

  2. Great post Linda, I live on a no food diet which I guess is akin to a a totally food free diet. Loved the story about the bread maker, and yes if you put enough butter and honey on anything they taste ok.

    • Oh isn’t that the truth, Summers! I guess it’s the irony of all this food-free-ness. On the one hand, we’re being proactive about our health, but then we have to put so much unhealthy stuff on it to get it to be palatable, in the end we’re right back where we started! Ha! 😀

  3. A rat with a debit card in a maze–love it! And working on going food-free. Isn’t that the truth? One can fix a lot of things with butter. 😉

  4. My dearly beloved has been gluten and dairy free for about a year now. He feels better, but it’s really boring to cook for him. Crumbly cardboard, for sure.

    • Well, I’m glad it is making a difference in the way he feels. I guess I didn’t really need to be doing it, I think I’m just a sucker for every new eating trend. I quickly gave up on gluten-free eating when I found out how horrible everything tasted. Plus I noticed that all the gluten free packaged products had a lot more sugar added to them too. But it still doesn’t help the taste much.

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