Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.
In today’s Sunday School Lesson, Gregory learned about how God planned to give Abram’s descendants all the land that belonged to the tribes that had names ending in “ite”.
When last we left the Lord and Abram, (God’s new best friend after Noah died), the Lord had just commanded Abram to bring Him a cow, a goat and a ram as well as a dove and a pigeon.
Abram: Okay, Lord, I just drove my ox cart through Mcsafcrifices and got you a Cow-Goat-Ram Happy Sacrifice Meal with a side order of Dove and Pigeon as per your command. Let’s sit outside and enjoy it, shall we? It’s a beautiful day.
The Lord: Wait a minute! I just opened my Happy Sacrifice box and I am displeased.
Abram: Oh no, don’t tell me they forgot Your toy.
The Lord: It seems someone failed to cut the cow, the ram and the goat in half and place the halves opposite each other in two rows like I specifically requested!
Abram: Does that seem a tad obsessive compulsive to you?
The Lord: What are you trying to say?
Abram: Well, Look how anally you always want your sacrifices laid out? If I had a ruler you’d probably want me to measure the distance inbetween each piece of meat.
The Lord: Do you have a ruler?
Abram: No I was just pointing out that–
The Lord: Abram! Behold! MaSacrifices’s put cheese on my Dove and my Pigeon!
Abram: What’s the matter with that? You no likee cheese, Lord?
The Lord: Ahaha! Oh Abram, nobody cracks me up like you do!
Abram: Uh oh Lord! Look out for that vulture! He’s trying to get your cheese pigeon! You better make that vulture disappear!
The Lord: Ha ha very funny Abram. You know I don’t make vultures disappear. That’s why I created man.
Abram: You mean you created man to shoo away the vultures?
The Lord: If the shoo fits . . .
Abram. Ah ha! You’re so funny Lord!
The Lord: Well you know what they always say, “The Lord works in hilarious ways.”
After their picnic, when the sun was going down, Abram fell into a deep, deep sleep and fear and terror came over him. (Mcsacrifices food always made him sleepy and gave him nightmares.)
The Lord: Psst! Abram? Are you asleep? Well don’t bother waking up. What I have to tell you is best heard while asleep. Your descendants will be strangers in a foreign land; they will be slaves there and will be treated cruelly for four-hundred years. What have you got to say about that?
Abram: Glumpy habba woo woo hearth burl.
The Lord: Good you’re still asleep. Anyway some other bad stuff will happen. But the good news is you’ll live to a ripe old age and be buried.
The Lord: I knew you’d love that part!
When the sun had set, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch suddenly appeared and passed between the pieces of animals. Then and there the Lord made a covenant with Abram.
The Lord: Abram, wake up. I’m going to make a covenant with you!
Abram: What’s a covenant again?
The Lord: I promise to give to your descendants all this land from the border of Egypt to the Euphrates River, including the lands of the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites as well as the Perizzites, the Hittites and the-
Abram: The Dolomites?
The Lord: Shh! You’re getting me mixed up on my “ites.” Let’s see, now where was I? Oh yes, the Hittites and the Girgashites and the-
Abram: The Vermiculites?
The Lord: What? No!
Abram: The Manhattanites?
The Lord: Abram?
Abram: Yes Lord?
The Lord: You’re annoying the “ite” out of me.
Abram: You want I should shoo some more vultures?
The Lord: Si Señor.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! What Abram learned in Sunday School this week. Please check back next week when Abram’s wife’s slave becomes a surrogate mother and hilarity ensues.
Until next time . . . I love you
Loosely based on Genesis 15: 9-21