Well, Dear Readers, it’s the new year.  Or is it?

Let’s listen in on the  Science Channel and see what Michio (Mickey) Kaku, a theoretical physicist with the best hair in all of science show business, tells us about time.

“Time is out there, but we can’t taste it, feel it, touch it, taste it, smell it or touch it,  feel it or even taste it.”  (Not a direct quote.)

Now I’m not a theoretical physicist or even a physicist theoretically, but I can think of some other things to add to Mickey’s list of things time can’t do:

Time can’t bake you a cake for your birthday

Time can’t dance

Time can’t spell “chameleon”  well enough to get the correct version to show up on the right-click spellcheck words

Time can’t operate a blow torch

Time can’t recite any of the Gettysburg address

Time can’t macramé

Okay let’s listen in now and see what else Mickey is telling us about time:

Micky is walking along at midnight on Newport beach with his flashlight. He tells us,

“The grunions are arriving on the beach to mate within a precise two hour window, all arriving right on cue without a compass, without a GPS system, without a wristwatch, without a calculator, without a GPS system, without a wristwatch, without a GPS system, without a calculator.  (Semi-direct quote)

Here’s some other things Mickey forgot to add to his list about what the grunions can arrive on cue without:

without a google earth printout of Newport Beach

without an aviation transponder interrogation mode

without a miniature inertial measurement unit

without a wake up call from Holiday Inn

without ever having tasted a Rice Crispie Treat

Then Mickey tells us:

“For me I find it absolutely astounding that the biological clocks ticking away in my body are about the same as those biological clocks that are ticking away in the grunions, in the  birds, in the cows, in the flies, in the bacteria, in the flies, in the cows, in the grunions and even in the flies.” (I have no idea if this is a direct quote — I’m not even listening anymore.)

Here’s some other animals Mickey forgot to add to his list about how the biological clocks ticking away in his body are about the same as those in

in the rhinoceroses

in the tapeworms

in the cold viruses

in the mermaids

in the kangaroos

in the two little animals that Donald Duck is always getting mad at

in the lab rats

in the parrots

in the grasshoppers

in the groundhogs

Well, if you want to leave now, Dear Readers, I wouldn’t blame you at all.  Until next time  . . . I love you.

in the sparrows

in the slugs

in the billy goats

in the water snakes

in the chickens

in the yellow bellied sap suckers

in the Yorkshire Terriers

in the barracuda

in the larvae

in the horse

in the petunias

in the bushes

in the bees

in the camels

in the butterflies

in the crows

in the ducks

in the elephant seals

in the herrings

in the komodo dragons

in the lyrebirds

in the minks

in the mosquito

in the oysters

in the pelicans

in the elands

in the mooses

in the raccoons

in the yaks

in the mouses

in the tigers

in the wombats

in the pigs

in the woodpeckers

in the owls

in the kitties

(For more see page 327)