I’m not afraid of much. Shots don’t scare me. I can get major surgery with my eyes closed. I’m brave enough to swat and kill any spider any size anytime with my bare hands. Yeah, I’m pretty much bad to the bone.
Except when it comes to sewing. When it comes to sewing, I wouldn’t even qualify as skin-deep bad, I’m just plain ol’ bad.
But I want to sew!
If I could sew, I would make beautiful items for my home. I’d become a fashion designer and go on Project Runway. I would have more self-esteem and confidence as a person, in general — not to mention a killer wardrobe where everything I made would make me appear 15 pounds thinner, 20 years younger and upwards of 50 I. Q. points smarter.
It’s not like I haven’t tried!
Once, when my youngest daughter was in the 3rd grade she had a friend over. I was sewing myself a pair of pants. I had just finished sewing in the elastic waistband and was feeling rather proud of myself when my daughter’s friend looked over from across the room and asked,
“Why are you sewing an elastic waistband in the leg of those pants?”
I quickly pulled the pants out from under the needle, held them up and sure enough the little brat was right.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a complete idiot just an unfinished one.
I suspect my sewing problem stems from my inability to be able to tell right from left. I can tell right from left, of course, — just not consistently.
And being able to distinguish right from left on a regular basis seems to be important in sewing.
Frankly, I don’t understand people who can tell right from left easily. People like that have a tendency to complicate matters just to confuse you. 37, my engineer-husband takes great delight in vexing me:
Can you hand me my pocket protector? It’s in the right-hand, top-desk drawer.
No it’s not in here.
Yes it is.
No it’s not.
It’s on the RIGHT side of the desk, not the LEFT. The RIGHT.
Well, that’s the one I’m looking in — the RIGHT and it’s NOT in here.
No, you don’t understand. It’s on MY right, which is YOUR left.
Or let’s say 37 is giving me directions over the phone:
What side of the street is their house on?
Well that depends. Are you going east or west?
East or west? How would I know? Just tell me what side of the street it’s on!
It’s on the RIGHT side of the street.
Ok, great, thanks.
If . . . .
If you’re heading east, that is.
I don’t know what direction I’m heading.
Well that’s easy to tell. If your going East, the shopping center will be on your left.
It’s not on my left.
Not YOUR left MY left.
It’s times like this when I want to get out my sewing machine and sew an elastic waistband into 37’s shirt collar. Then slowly tighten it to MY left HIS right MY East and HIS West.
You’ll have to excuse me now, I have some sewing to do.
Until next time . . . I love you