Dear Readers! The new Pottery Barn Catalog just arrived and not a moment too soon! For you see, in this issue of The Catalog, Pottery Barn finally provides solutions to how we, as boring, ordinary citizens, can become more intriguing!
“Your Home Tells the Intriguing Story of who you are, where you’ve been and what inspires you most.” — Pottery Barn Catalog August 2012
What Pottery Barn means by this is that your home WILL tell an intriguing story of how intriguing you are IF you purchase fake-intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn.
Frankly, PB suspects you’re not all that intriguing which is why Pottery Barn has taken the liberty of punching up your life through the use of decor that implies you are all that and a bag of potato chips. Let’s look as some examples, shall we?
The intriguing story this Pottery Barn wall decor says about you is:
You don’t quite understand about the alphabet.
Oh sure we all learned our ABC’s . . . except for you. Why? Because you were too busy helping Grams hunt for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard and, therefore, never attended school with all the other “saps” which means you can’t read or write. So now you obsessively nail gigantic wooden letters to your walls. So what? That’s not weird, it’s intriguing!
The intriguing story this Pottery Barn vignette says about you is:
You’re favorite snack is honey and shredded Parmesan cheese.
Ah! Nothing quenches the thirst and eases the hunger pangs quite like a refreshing jar of honey and a big ol’ heaping bowl of shredded Parmesan cheese after a long day of helping Grams frantically dig for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard in the backyard estates of the rich and famous before they come home.
You and Grams prefer a snack that sticks to your ribs, your fingers as well as your Pottery Barn Vintage Printer’s Customizable Cabinet! Oh sure, let people roll their eyes at how messy you are! That’s the difference between them and you. They’re stupid, and YOU’RE INTRIGUING!
The intriguing story this Pottery Barn Blackboard says about you is:
Your grandmother is a drug dealer.
If you look closely at this blackboard, you will see that somebody has written “EMPTY Da Da Da Da.” and “Do EMPTY 4”
And you know you didn’t write it because you are too intriguing to know how to read and write. Could it have been Grams?
Wait a minute why are the police leading Grams out to that police car?
What? All those truffles Grams was digging up (and sampling) turned out to be hallucinogenic mushrooms which she apparently was selling to earn money to purchase intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn?
Ha ha! That Grams! While most grandmothers are sitting at home in their rocker knitting sweaters, reading Reader’s Digest and clipping coupons, YOUR Grams is trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals!
And if that doesn’t make YOU intriguing, Pottery Barn doesn’t know what does!
Until next time . . . I love you
Linda Vernon Humor 
Intriguing, yes. Frightening, disturbing, possibly terrifying, definitely. 😛
Haha! So true Michael! 😀
I like to add intrigue by hiding Grams in different Pottery Barn furnishings, tehn letting her pop out unexpectedly in front of company!
I love that idea. It doesn’t getting any more intriguing than Grams under your bed or in your coat closet. You need to apply for a job in Pottery Barn Management!
haha enjoyed this
Oh I’m so glad to hear you liked it Marisa. Thank you so much for coming by and checking it out! 😀
Alas I will now not step foot in a pottery barn if I don;t move to Canada now. I may have to holiday in America, so I now have to see a thrift store and Pottery Barn. Who needs travel guide books (unless they are a vintage one from a thrift store)
Hahaha! How is that move looking? Are you moving for sure? I certainly hope so! If you do I’m going to hunt for a housewarming gift for your new place. I think something that has been donated to the thrift store from Pottery Barn would be perfect for you Joe!
It’s on then it’s off etc etc…so I’ve had to banish thoughts from my mind and see how it rides out. We are at the mercy of his company and their whims which change weekly!
Well, dog gone it! That sucks. I’ve got my heart set on your moving over here! I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you!
Thanks! It will happen eventually just not as soon as it was originally, probably next year maybe, I’m ok with that, gives me time to sort things properly here.
The image of my grandma trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals made my day!
Haha! That image always cheers me up too Undercover!! 😀
I was going to suggest that Grams could have used a pig to better effect than just rooting around in back yards with just you for company; the pig, who would naturally be able to smell them, would have known the truffles weren’t in the back yard, but in the rich folk’s refrigerators… But, they avoid the psilocybin mushrooms, because if they eat them, they get all wired and hallucinatory, and don’t care about finding truffles, so they wouldn’t have done Grams any good…. Neither of my grams was the type to stir out of the house much…. truffles or no truffles….
You have a lot of ill feelings that have built up over the years for Pottery Barn, don’t you? It kind of shows in how you always see how they are being smarmy to their customer base…. You’re quite right in your assessment, I’m sure, but your Karma? I don’t know, dear…. We know what their Karma is like, no need to worry about them getting their just desserts…. 🙂
Nice job…. 😉
What? Ned! Ill feelings? Moi?
Honey and cheese with a side of magic shrooms? Don’t suppose the next item on the list of that wonderful book is puff the magic dragon is it? 😛
Puff the Magic Dragon! They left that one off. I bet they don’t want us to see that one! 😀
Ow come on now that is just being plain rude for not showing us that 😛
Well, though would you expect any less from Pottery Barn? They’re kind of cold and materialistic but they don’t want YOU to know that. They’re all sweetie sweet to your face. Beware of Pottery Barn’s bearing gifts. Even if they say they are “sustainable!” because chances are something got exploited in the making of it — even if they had to use their own Grams as slave labor, Andy. 😦
mmmm! me not going there now 😡
Haha! You are a wise person, Andy! 😀
Send the math lady their way 😛
I’m buying her a train ticket as I type this! 😀
I see a story coming 😉
Ha ha! You’re getting know how Peanuts operates Andy! 😀
OH I do I do 😉
I knew it was suspicious…those truffles!…Leave it to Grandma..Diane
Haha Diane!! Leave it to Grams is right!
Did you have a good visit with the new baby and family?
Yes I sure did! I got to hold Henry for hours and really bond with him and I got to spend lots of time with Jackie visiting and having a great ol’ time. I went on the train too so the trip to and from was very relaxing. It was like a mini vacation and I enjoyed every minute of it!! Can’t wait to go back. 😀
I laughed so hard the wine came out my nose! Just discovered your blog and I love it. In fact every new Frontgate catalog inspires me to wonder who actually lives the Frontgate life. Thanks for making me laugh
Hi Ginger! Welcome! So glad you are enjoying the blog. I have never heard of a Frontgate catalog, but I am certainly going to scamper over to google and see if I can find one online. I just love that kind of stuff too! 😀
[…] has taken time from her busy schedule of cheering up Edgar Allen Poe (He was very unhappy about the Pottery Barn’s intriguing story about him), and bringing us the cutting edge of thoughts that scientists are thinking about, to […]
Hilarious, Linda. Can’t wait for you to have a go at the ‘Pottery Barn Kids’ catalogue. My son swears by it. 😀
Oh next time I’m near Pottery Barn I’ll have to go in a pick up a kid’s catalogue I have a feeling it will be ripe with skewering opportunity!
😆