The Bible According to Gregory: Satan Tests Job


Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon HumorSatan Tests Job

Job was a biblical character who lived in the holy land of Uz  believed by scholars to have been located somewhere over the rainbow — providing there had there ever been enough moisture in the holy land to form a rainbow.

Job was always extremely careful when it came to ticking off the Lord. So much so that when any of his kids thew a party, Job would spend the next morning making sacrifices to the Lord just in case one of his kids might have inadvertently insulted the Lord after one too many fig wine coolers.

Cut to the Lord’s Heavenly Conference Room where The Lord was having a meeting with various heavenly beings one of which was Satan himself:

The Lord:   Did everybody get their handouts on Sacrificing Do’s and Don’t’s and does anybody have any questions?  Yes, the heavenly being with the horns and the name tag that says Santa.  What’s you question, Santa?

Satan: Yeah, my name’s not Santa, by the way, it’s Satan, that’s a typo I caused to happen. Bwahaha!

The Lord:  I don’t get it, what do you mean by typo?

Satan:  It’s a . . .  oh never mind.

The Lord: So what have you been up to, Satan?

Satan:  Oh you know, walking here and there, roaming around the earth and holding Idle Hands Workshops for the aristocrats, the usual.

The Lord:  Well that’s just super! Say, did you happen to notice my servant, Job, he’s like the best worshiper I’ve ever had! He never does anything evil!

Satan: Yeah, that’s because he’s got 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 1,000 head of cattle, 500 donkeys and lord only knows how many cats.

The Lord:  That’s not true.  I have no idea how many cats he has.

Satan:  Bwahaha!  There you go again with your sense of humor!

The Lord:  My sense of what?

Satan:  Never mind. Say, I’m just wondering . . . what about testing Job to see if he would still be such a Goodie-Two-Shoes if his life suddenly became a living hell. I could help you out with that.

The Lord:  Well . . . . .

Satan:  Ah come on!

The Lord:  Well I guess, but only if you promise not to hurt Job. You know how hard it is nowadays to find a good Job.

Satan:  Bwahaha!  You crack me up!

The Lord:  Am I to understand that is your awkwardly worded request stating your desire to be cracked up?

Satan:  Say will you look at that! It’s half-past eternity already.  Where does the time go?  I gotta skedaddle.  See ya around, Lord.

Sometime shortly thereafter the following events took place:

Job’s children were having a feast at the home of his oldest son when a servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing:

Servant:  We were plowing the fields and got attacked! All your donkeys were stolen and all your servants were killed!

Job:  But they didn’t kill you?

Servant:  Yeah . . . (still huffing and puffing) . . . except for me.

Job:  Oh great you’re the only slave I have left?  And you’re not even in that good of shape.

Then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.

Servant: Lightening just struck all the sheep and shepherds and everyone was killed but me.

Job:  Hmm .  . . I’m starting to sense a pattern here.

Just then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.

Servant:  Your children were having a feast at the home of your oldest son when a storm swept in and blew the house down and killed them all.

Job:  Except for you . .

Servant:  Yeah, how’d you know?

Job:  Lucky guess.

After that Job tore his clothes in grief and shaved his head which was the standard biblical procedure when someone a) broke a new pottery water-carrying vessel  b) misplaced their dreidel or c) had all their children and animals slaughtered by Satan.

This is about the time the Lord turned on his Heavenly Conference Room hidden earth video camera and observed Job when he said, “I was born with nothing and I will die with nothing.  The Lord gave, and now he has taken away.  May his name be praised!

In spite of everything that had happened, Job did not sin by blaming The Lord.

It’s a good thing too since Job had nothing left to kill.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week, come back next week at this same to so see what new bible lesson Gregory learned about!

The Lord's Heavenly Conference Room
The Lord’s Heavenly Conference Room

9 thoughts on “The Bible According to Gregory: Satan Tests Job

  1. I recently finished the book of Job myself, and can truthfully say this is an honest representation of the text written in the NLVV (New Linda Vernon Version). I suppose Santa was originally considered a typo, but these days we tend to blame it on that DAC (damned auto correct). Evidently, they weren’t much for acronyms back then either.

    I’m sure sooner or later Job will become suspicious of these run away slaves who managed to survive when all his children were killed and livestock stolen.

    I can’t wait for the part where Job’s three drinking buddies show up to tell him what a sinner he’s been and how he brought all this calamity on himself. With friends like that, who needs Santa?

    • That Job. You just gotta hand it to him. He was the original positive thinker. (He still believes in Santa so if you happen to run into him, just nod and go along with whatever he says.)

      • No moving required. Online application. I know you are new to the internet but imagine a tower block filled with willing servants who don’t actually exist. Sorry – no – imagine a termite mountain full of termites who can process your son in law and also complete the hyphens. Darn. The one moment I could be of help to you and I blow it. Just like Gregory… 🙂

        • Ha! I love a comment that not only fills me in on the Austria thing, but also explains hyphens and my son-in-law and why he is constantly talking about termites. I’ll sleep much better tonite. Thank you.

          • They are really serious about putting the correct recycling bin out but only with the lid firmly down. Vienna’s biggest ski resort lost all its snow and so they rent you scooters and let you scoot down the mountain instead. Many visitors lost their teeth on a particular pine tree which marked a sharp right turn. So, they got a double mattress out of the dumpster and tied it to the pine tree. Problem solved. I kid you not. It ain’t Disneyland, despite all the castles, but it has a sense of logic I think you will feel at home with. Not that I’m implying for a moment that you are madder than a box of frogs.

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