AARP

AARP: Making Getting Old and Dying FUN!

Linda Vernon It Came In the Mail, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers.  Good News!  We’re going to get old!  We’re going to die! And it’s going to be so much frigging  FUN!

And all because of AARP.  Everybody’s “Getting Old and Dying” BFF!

 In fact!  I think we should click on The Stars and Stripes Forever before we continue and take a moment  to celebrate this inevitability, not only in our hearts, but also,  in our ears as well  because, after all,  the word “hear” is just the word “heart” without the “t’.

Are you ready for the “Getting Old and Dying” AARP  good news?

Before we continue, I have to issue a word of caution:  Those of you who AARP has pegged as  “getting old and dying” need to be warned that AARP is pretty sure  this news is going to blow your orthopedic socks off your crippled, bunion-covered feet!

 The Drumroll Please!

Anybody have a kleenex?
That’s right, Dear Readers, I’ve been approved for AARP  Life Insurance! That means they are giving me permission to die any time now and/or at my earliest convenience!  Talk about a cause for whoopin’ it up!!

I don’t know how the Vernon Family will celebrate getting money from my AARP Whole Life Insurance once I’m dead, but I kind of hope it’s with a Hootenanny or at the very least a HootenGranny.  (Sorry for the bad joke, I’m old, I’m going to die and my bunions are killing me!)

But wait!  There’s more!   Included in this AARP Life Insurance offer is this inexplicable AARP Medicare Supplement Plan Brochure:

Linda Vernon Humor AARP Send up
Huh?

I don’t know what to make of this, Dear Readers.   Why do these two people represent a team?  And why are they playing softball with a grapefruit?

Oh!  Perhaps  AARP is just messing with my pre-posthumous synapses yet again? (Oh that AARP, always with the jokes! Hahaha!)

Oh wait . . . maybe the two people represent an Ebony and Ivory thing!  That would be apropos, I suppose, because, I don’t know about you, Dear Readers, but the song Ebony and Ivory, does make me want to die.

Now don’t worry  if you are having trouble wrapping your posthumous-synapsed brain around any of the AARP’s “Growing Old and Dying” money-making offers.  They’ve anticipated your confusion and have provided a solution:

AARP Offers help to potential customers

Now doesn’t that sound like fun?  In fact,  I think you’ll have to agree that nobody puts the FUN in Funeral like AARP, nobody!

Until next time . . . I love you

I Can’t Explain It . . . There’s Just Something About Uranus!

Linda Vernon Baby Eating and Whatnot, Things I Have Trouble With, Writing life , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s nice to be mature or so I’m told. Now that I am nearly old enough to collect Social Security (so I can finally be more secure socially),  and now that I am a Grandmother, and now that  AARP is positively drooling every time I walk by, well I’m pretty much hot stuff in the fast-paced world of Aging Boomerism.

That is why, Dear Readers,  I am  delighted to be nominated for an award so infantile, so juvenile, so puerile, so River Nile, that I couldn’t be more pleased if God, himself, had instructed Moses to part the Red Sea and let me hunt for sea shells for a full five minutes!

"Hey lookee this one! It's not even broken at all!"

I am speaking of course of the most coveted and the most revered award to ever grace  the Blogosphere:

The Award to END All Awards

For this nomination, I thankfully thank Lizzie Cracked (but not broken) over at Running Naked with Scissors who writes a wise, funny and a humongously creative blog about life with Bi-Polar, six kids and one grandson among a host of other eclectic always entertaining topics. 

And now let us proceed to the Nomination Hoops through which one must jump when nominated  for the Glitter E. Yaynus Award!

Name five things that would make people want to kill me:

Lagging at every greenlight for miles trying to find my lip gloss.

 Eating the last  Girl Scout Cookie (OK, make that eating all of the Girl Scout Cookies).

 Meeting up with out-of-town guests, and forgetting my cell phone.

 Talking during the most important part of everything.

 Reading the time wrong on the airplane tickets.

Next: Name five things I would take to Uranus:

(OK, this isn’t the real version. In the real version, you are supposed to name five things you would stick up your ass, if forced. I’m  doing the watered-down, old-lady, granny version because I wouldn’t want to do anything that would jeopardize my membership eligibility for AARP.) So here are the five things I would take to Uranus:

A copy of Pride and Prejudice because a little culture never hurt Uranus.

A herd of elephants because it’s rumored that Uranus is quite spacious.

Martha Stewart in case Uranus needs redecorating.

A pot of gold to place at the end of Uranus in case there’s no rainbows.

A fireworks factory because nothing spices up Uranus like firecrackers and sparklers!

Next: Run across a Freeway Blindfolded.  

Only if the freeway is blindfolded too, let’s make it fair!

Next: Pick a Prom Court:

Ok, what happened here? Things were progressing so logically until the last two questions.  I think the person who thought this up might have a touch of the ADD!  Nevertheless.  I will pick a prom court by passing the nomination on to the following bloggers who I think can really do this Prestigious Award justice and the nominees are:

Lauren’s Crazy Adventure (She’s got a new blog with a fresh perspective!)

Eldon  (A comedy alchemist who turns mascara into black streaks!)

Clipsnark (She’s a funny clip art clipper!)

A Gripping Life (She’s breaking out of her rut in a good way!)

Morristownmemos (She reads Dr. Suess, you’ll like her!)

And please Prom Court/Glitter E Yaynes Nominees,  please do not let the prestige of this award swell your ego  –it might go to Uranus!

 

Until next time . . . I love you

More AARP or Old People Burping

Linda Vernon Adventures in Grandma Land , , , , , , , , , ,

Well, I’m happy to report, Dear Reader, that I have just received an important dispatch from my friends (practically my blood brothers, really) at AARP!  Guess what?  AARP thinks I’m “fully eligible” for their membership.

Which, of course, is their thinly veiled way of saying I’m  old,– very, very old . . . and now it’s official!

And on top of that, if I give $16 to AARP, they will give me these benefits that aren’t available anywhere else:

Gee, I’m so overcome with emotion, I’m getting tear stains all over my Hoveround . . .

Because for 16 dollars AARP is giving me:

AARP, The Magazine!  Which is great and all –but if they aren’t including the loaded gun which would have to be held to my head in order to get me to read it — AARP, The Magazine! isn’t much good to me now, is it?

Discounts that save me money!  Uh, I’m sorry AARP, but I kind of prefer discounts that DON’T save me money.  Call it crazy.  Call it wacky. Call it maybe my Depends are too tight.  I don’t know.  I guess I just feel like being cantankerous because I’m so very, very old . . . oops . . . I mean so I’m so very, very “fully eligible”.

Strengthening Social Security, protecting Medicare . . .  including fighting age discrimination for all!  Hey listen, AARP, you’re the one calling old people names like “fully eligible.”   So here’s a little suggestion.  Why don’t you start fighting age discrimination by socking yourself in the eye!

Access to health insurance . . . access huh?  What kind of access?  Handicap access?  Hoverround access?  Oh maybe AARP means they’re going to give me the idea (for $16) to access the internet so I can find myself some health insurance.

And just in case all these AARP Benefits don’t make me want to reach my arthritic hand into my sock and pull out $16, they are throwing in this  FREE GIFT (that only costs $16.)!

An AARP TRUNK ORGANIZER!  YOWZA!

As you can see, AARP knows us geezer people don’t like to stumble out to our cars and head down the wrong side of the road without plenty of liquids because us “fully eligible-sters” often get dehydrated causing us to do senile things like drive through plate-glass windows and buying $16 worth of NOTHING from AARP.

All I can say is Aaarrrrppppp!  Has anybody seen the Pepto Bismal?

Until next time . . . I love you