In Praise of Dwell Magazine

Dwell Magazine satire, Linda Vernon Humor

Dear Dwell Magazine Editorial Staff,

Over the past couple of years, my wife, Victoria Splendoria, and myself, P. Donald Xavier, have become avid Dwell Magazine readers.   Not only do we totally approve of  the urban-contemporaneity; but also, we just go gaga over the pictures.

I have attached a  photograph of Victoria Splendoria, and myself, P. Donald Xavier, and our adorable baby, Tylenol Cold and Sinus®, relaxing in our Dwell Magazine inspired contemporary home environment.

family living minimalistically
“Honey where’s that can of Cream of Mushroom soup?”
“I threw it away!”
“But why?”
 Because we’re minimalists, Victoria Splendoria, minimalists! That can of soup was cluttering up the cupboards!”
“But I’m hungry! And so is Tylenol Cold and Sinus® !”
“Oh for goshsakes!   Quit your bellyaching and come and  enjoy the minimalism with me and little Tylenol Cold and Sinus®!

Victoria Splendoria and myself, P. Donald Xavier, just love to sit outside the printing press where Dwell magazine is published every month so that we can be the first ones to get our copy hot off the presses! And we just can’t wait to return to our minimal living room to curl up and enjoy each and every issue with our imaginary espresso.

Victoria Splendoria and myself, P. Donald Xarvier often fight over who gets the cement slab and who gets the wire stool to sit on while we take turns thumbing through the minimalism.
Victoria Splendoria and myself, P. Donald Xarvier, often fight over who gets the cement slab and who gets the wire stool, while we take turns thumbing through Dwell Magazine. It’s so funny!  You should see us.  Sometimes we even laugh, not out loud, of course, but in our minds!

We’ve recently re-designed our bathroom more in keeping with the  minimalistic lifestyle as dictated within the pages of Dwell Magazine.  I think you’ll love what we’ve done.  Here’s a picture:

Linda Vernon Humor satire dwell magazine
“Honey, where are the towels?”
“I threw them away!”
“But why?”
“Because they were taking up too much space.”
“Where’s the toilet.”
“I threw it away.”
“It was cluttering up the bathroom and ruining the minimalism.  Just go to the gas station.”

Anyway, Victoria Splendoria, and myself, P. Donald Xaxier and our adorable baby, Tylenol Cold and Sinus®, would like to thank, you, the editors of Dwell Magazine, from the bottom our hearts for teaching us that throwing away everything we own, sitting on hard surfaces and staring into space is the secret to making it feel as though maybe we are living a long and happy life!

Ambitiously, resourcefully and counter-conventional-edgily yours,

P. Donald Xavier, Victoria Splendoria and adorable Tylenol Cold and Sinus®

* * *

Until next time  . . . I love you

Dwell in a Yak-free Zone

Let’s take a look at the magazine dwell;  it will be swell. 

Lady relaxing on a slab of cement
Nothing like the feel of cement to put the "omf" in comfy!

The Art of the Dwell

On the cover of  the July/August 2011 issue of dwell, we see a woman smiling as she relaxes on a slab of cement.

I remember being in a dwelling such as this  in 4th-grade when our class took a field trip to Grand Coulee Dam.

Of course, there weren’t any colorful throw pillows or comfy 3-inch pads to sit on.   But the field trip would have been a  dam sight better had there been.

Cement structure called grand coulee dam
What? The Government couldn't afford a few throw pillows with the taxes we pay?

But, sadly, we weren’t living in a modern world when I was in the 4th-grade.  We were living in the 1960’s, and  it only seemed like we were living in the modern world.  How very foolish we were!

Even if we would have known we were living in a modern world at the time, we  wouldn’t have had the slightest idea how to feel at home in the modern world and would have just ended up panicking.

Enter: dwell —  a magazine that is a publication specifically about being:  “At Home in the Modern World”

Guess what dwell Magazine did?  Nevermind, I’ll tell you. First, they scoured the world and then after scouring the world, they finally found a couple who had been living in a yurt and who, therefore,  had saved up enough money to buy a new house and ten thousand dollars worth of furniture.

people sitting
Mr. and Mrs. Yurt and the little Yurt-ling
And guess what?  Nevermind I’ll tell you. Once the house was completed and all the furniture had arrived, dwell Magazine stepped in to help the yurt people arrange said furniture.  All it took was a team of  “Visual Specialists”, some “Delivery Associates” and  “a stringer from the staff of dwell magazine”  to get the living room whipped into shape by arranging it thusly:
Room for Improvement
We know it doesn't look all that impressive. But it might if you "dwell" on it.
Thank goodness for dwell Magazine for God only knows how wrong things could have gone with just the yurt people pushing and shoving things around to make everything fit.  They probably would have used their yak for a coffee table for crying out loud!
Yake running
"Would you hold still, Bessie or Bossie, whatever your name is!"
Thank goodness there were teams of professional professionals standing by to move things a hair to the right or left — so as to give it the effect of just rightness in a modern world so that now the yurt people can finally sit back relax and say, thank you dwell Magazine  (and whoever) for taking all the credit for making us feel at home in the modern world.
We could have done it without you but whatever.
Until next time . . . I love you