Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
One beautiful biblical morning, the Lord began saying to Moses. “Depart and go up from here to the land of which I swore to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob . . .”
While the Lord was talking, Moses began sighing and picking leaves out of his sheep’s fur, secretly wishing the Lord wouldn’t always feel the need to recap the entire events of mankind before moving on to His next topic.
“. . . I will send My angel, and I will drive out the Hittites, the Canaanites and Amorites . . .”
Moses quietly opened his satchel and started nibbling on his fig sandwich.
“. . . and the Hittite, the Perizzite and the Hivite and Jebusites . . .”
While Moses was adjusting his sandals the Lord said,”Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey for I will not go in your midst, lest I consume you on the way, for you are a stiff-necked people.“
Say what? Did the Lord just say he liked to consume stiff-necked people?
” Okaaaaay . . . ” Moses said, “but just a quick question, Lord. By consume, You don’t by any chance mean “eat” stiff-necked people, do you? Moses hung his head while he asked the queston to make his neck looked limper. “I only ask because eat and consume usually mean the same thing.”
But the Lord didn’t hear Moses’ question, what with all the noisy sacrificing going on in the background.
When Moses relayed to his people, the Peoplites, about the Lord’s plans to relocate them to the land of Milk and Honey — but that the Lord wouldn’t be coming along personally due His, ahem, Inappropriate Eating Problem, they mourned and took off all their ornaments and laid them on the ground. (This was way before they had Christmas trees to hang them on.)
Then the Lord told Moses exactly what to say to the Peoplites about his inappropriate eating problem.
“Say to the children of Israel, “you are a stiff-necked people, I could come up into your midst one moment and consume you. Now therefore take off your ornaments so that I may know what to do.”
Either the stiff-necked Peoplite’s ornaments were jingling so loud the Lord couldn’t hear himself think, or the Lord wanted them to take off the ornaments as they tended to get stuck in the Lord’s Beard whenever He “consumed” stiff-necked Peoplites.
Anyway, by now the Lord and Moses were pretty close friends. By today’s standards, they would have not only been friends on Facebook; they would have made sure to click the like button on each other’s blog posts.
So Moses pitched a “meeting tent” where he and the Lord could meet. Moses sat inside the tent while the Lord appeared outside the tent as a pillar of smoke, (the Lord’s favorite avatar).
Everything was going really great, relationship-wise, until one day Moses blurted out, “Would you mind if I took a peek at your real face, Lord?
What followed was an awkward silence of epic proportions. Finally the Lord just flat out told Moses that if he showed Moses his face Moses, Moses would die from looking at it — thither on the spot!
Talk about awkward! After that Moses didn’t know what to say and either did the Lord.
Finally the Lord just completely changed the subject. “Cut two stones and meet me up on Mt. Sinai tomorrow, Moses.”
“Sure!” Moses said, hugely relieved. May I inquire as to why?” Moses sat down and prepared himself for another of the Lord’s long, drawn-out explanation.
“That’s for me to know and you to find out” was all the Lord would say.
Stay tune next week when Gregory retells what he learned about the Ten Commandments in Sunday School.
Until next time . . . I love you