Pottery Barn: The Decor That Will Make You More Intriguing

Welcome Dear Readers! Happy Friday! Well after a long week of slaving over a hot keyboard, this blog is taking the day off, and is serving up this archived Pottery Barn post for your viewing pleasure! Have a great Friday! See you tomorrow!

Dear Readers!  The new Pottery Barn Catalog just arrived and not a moment too soon!  For you see, in this issue of The Catalog, Pottery Barn finally provides solutions to how we, as boring, ordinary citizens, can become more intriguing!

“Your Home Tells the Intriguing Story of who you are, where you’ve been and what inspires you most.”Pottery Barn Catalog August 2012

What Pottery Barn means by this is that your home WILL tell an intriguing story of how intriguing you are IF you purchase fake-intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn.

Frankly, PB suspects you’re not all that intriguing which is why Pottery Barn has taken the liberty of punching up your life through the use of decor that implies you are all that and a bag of potato chips. Let’s look as some examples, shall we?

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn wall decor says about you is:

  You don’t quite understand about the alphabet. 

Oh sure we all learned our ABC’s . . . except for you.  Why?  Because you were too busy helping Pottery Barn’s “Grams.”

Pottery Barn White Board ($56) where Grams makes her first appearance in the Pottery Barn Catalog
Pottery Barn’s White Board ($56) featuring “Grams”

For you see, you were always hunting for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard with your beloved Pottery Barn Grams and therefore; you never attended school with all the other “saps” which means you can’t read or write. So now you obsessively nail gigantic wooden letters to your walls.  So what? That’s not weird, it’s intriguing!

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn vignette says about you is:

You’re favorite snack is honey and shredded Parmesan cheese.

Ah! Nothing quenches the thirst and eases the hunger pangs quite like a refreshing jar of honey and a big ol’ heaping bowl of shredded Parmesan cheese after a long day of helping Grams frantically dig for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard in the backyard estates of the rich and famous before they come home.

You and Grams prefer a snack that sticks to your ribs, your fingers as well as your Pottery Barn Vintage Printer’s Customizable Cabinet!  Oh sure, let people roll their eyes at how messy you are!  That’s the difference between them and you.  They’re stupid, and YOU’RE INTRIGUING!

The  intriguing story this Pottery Barn Blackboard says about you is:

Your grandmother is a drug dealer.

If you look closely at this blackboard, you will see that somebody has written “EMPTY Da Da Da Da.”  and  “Do EMPTY 4” 

And you know you didn’t write it because you are too intriguing to know how to read and write.  Could it have been Grams?

Wait a minute why are the police leading Grams out to that police car?

What? All those truffles Grams was digging up (and sampling) turned out to be hallucinogenic mushrooms which she apparently was selling to earn money to purchase intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn?

Ha ha!  That Grams!  While most grandmothers are sitting at home in their rocker knitting sweaters, reading  Reader’s Digest and clipping coupons, YOUR Grams is trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals!

And if that doesn’t make YOU intriguing, Pottery Barn doesn’t know what does!

Until next time . . . I love you

Pottery Barn Calls Off the Search for Grams

Dear Readers,

When last we visited our Pottery Barn catalog, they were having an emergency.  Sadly, Pottery Barn’s beloved family matriarch “Grams” had gone missing.


This is Grams — The Pottery Barn Family’s Beloved Matriarch

Putting 2 and 2 together, Pottery Barn has ascertained that Grams was last seen truffle hunting on Labor Day in the Sustainable Pottery Barn Forests (that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on)Grams was last seen
Putting 2 and 2 together, Pottery Barn had ascertained after studying this white board ($54) that Grams was last seen truffle hunting on Labor Day in the Sustainable Pottery Barn Forests.

Pottery Barn’s Official Announcement

After looking everywhere including underneath the Valencia II Mahogany Sleigh Bed $599 ($150 savings!), Pottery Barn has completely given up their search for their beloved Grams and are no longer offering the $15.00 reward for her return  –dead or whatever — so they can turn the full force of their attention back onto the more important matter of selling overpriced Christmas decor.

Pottery Barn is quick to point out, however,  it’s not that they don’t dearly love Grams, it’s just that they don’t dearly love Grams all that much. (PB asks that you do not judge them.)

Okay that’s enough about Grams.  Let’s see what Christmas Pottery Barn Catalog has to offer this year:

The Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest Christmas Tree. (Hardly any elves were killed in the cutting of this Christmas Tree.)
The Glorious Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest Christmas Tree. hallelujah!!  Wait . . . who’s that looking in the window?  Uh . . . well PB says pay no attention to that old lady looking in the window.  She’s probably just some Homeless Pottery Barn Lifestyle Wannabe.

From its beaded snowflake tree-topper ($55), to its spectacularly quilted tree skirt ($55), Pottery Barn has chopped down this gorgeous Pine tree from The Pottery Barn Sustainable Forests in the prime of its life especially for the PB Catalog so that potential PB customers may feast their eyes upon it for approximately two and a half to three seconds.  Pottery Barn was careful to ensure that only 1 (one) wood nymph was accidentally killed in the process ($55 $6).

But Pottery Barn doesn’t want you to think about that now, Pottery Barn wants you to look at this:

Grams looking in window
A table setting fit for a King! From the exquisite pressed metal reindeer ($59 free shipping) to the candle votives pre-filled with wax and wick  ($24), to the lovely pine cone . . . wait a minute . . . there she is again! The homeless old lady . . . not to worry . . . Pottery Barn has called the authorities. Something will be done! PB asks that you avert your eyes away from the unpleasantness of the random old lady whom PB has never seen before in its life, btw, and concentrate instead, on the craftsmanship of the Lit Mercury Globes ($24.50).

And now Pottery Barn is proud to present for the first time anywhere  . . . drum roll please  . . . 

Grams decor (2)
The Grams Commemorative Christmas Ornament Collector’s Edition

Nickel is the keyword here! Handcrafted out of nickle by the semi-skilled hands of nickle-over-minimum-wage PB Master Hand Crafters,  The Commemorative Grams Ornament promises to bring Christmas drama to any tree, be it from the Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest or be it from some other lesser quality forest.  At any rate,  Pottery Barn thinks you’ll agree The Commemorative Grams Ornament meets every expectation.  ($5,199 ea. or 6 for $7,599).

And finally, Pottery Barn is offering this Tivoli Coffee Table (delivery discount) with its fine mahogany finish:

The Tivoli Coffee Table in which country living is echo in this table with it's turned spindle legs and hand----wait a minute -- the old lady's back . . . oh great!!  I thought somebody was going to call the police?  What they did already?  Well then unleash the Pottery Barn Attached Dogs, this is getting ridiculous.
The Tivoli Coffee Table echoes simple yet elegant country living and handcra—-wait a minute — uh oh . . . the old lady’s back . . . oh great!! Okay that does it!

Dear Readers, you will have to excuse Pottery Barn for skipping out on the end of this post as Pottery Barn has been called away on an emergency involving a little old lady — who PB has never seen before in its life — who may or may not be dangerous.

In any case, they are currently releasing the Pottery Barn Attack Dogs from their silver-plated,  attacked-dog cages from the Raleigh Kennel Collection ($1,999) and regret having to leave so abruptly.

Until next time . . . Pottery Barn wants you to know that it loves you (as far as you know).