Welcome, Dear Readers, to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
In today’s Sunday School lesson, Gregory learned about how God told Abram he would have more descendants than stars in the sky, and he couldn’t help imagining how that conversation would have gone.
Abram’s 537 Thousand-ish Kids
This week’s lesson is a continuation of the story of God’s made-man, Abram, who filled the gap in God’s life after his bff Noah drowned. (Sadly, ark building leaves precious little time for swimming lessons.)
Property Procurement
Last week, Abram had refused the King of Sodom’s kind offer to give Abram all the property Abram had procured from some people he killed. The very same property that had originally belonged to the King of Sodom who had procured it from some people he killed. (For more information about biblical property procurement, refer to the bible, pages 1-1600.)
Biblical scholars believe there are two reasons Abram gave the King of Sodom’s property back: 1) Abram didn’t want people to say that keeping the King of Sodom’s property was the reason Abram became rich and 2) who knew where the King of Sodom’s property had been?
One day after a particularly trying day of biblical property procurement, Abram went to his tent, put out the Do Not וְנִבְהָ֑לְתִּי sign and lay down. He was just drifting off when the Lord knocked on his tent (apparently the sign fell off before He had a chance to omnipotent it.)
The Lord: Hey Wake up Abram! I’ve got something to tell you.
Abram: What? Didn’t you see the Do Not וְנִבְהָ֑לְתִּי sign?
The Lord: Sign schmign! I’ve got important news!
Abram: It better be good.
The Lord: Well it’s this: Do not be afraid, Abram I will shield you from danger and give you a great reward.
Abram: You woke me up for that? What good will your reward be to me since I have no children? My only heir is my slave, Eliezer of Damascus, and I lost his address.
The Lord: This slave Eliezer of Damascus will not inherit your property. You’re own son will inherit your property. Come outside with me!
Abram: Can I at least change out of my jammies?
The Lord: Look at the sky, Abram, and try to count the stars.
Abram: Okay, one . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .
Two hours later:
Abram: . . . 537,001, 537,002 . . .
The Lord: I think you already counted that one.
Abram: Oops! Make that 536,999 .. .
The Lord: No that would make it 537,001.
Abram: Are you sure?
The Lord raised His holy eyebrow most high.
Abram: Okay okay.
The Lord: Anyway never mind about the counting, Abram. The point is that you will have more descendants than stars in the sky . . . isn’t that wonderful Abram? . . . Abram? . . . Hello!? . . . Heaven to Abram! What’s the matter, you look pale?
Abram: I just thinking about all those school lunches I’m going to have to pack!
The Lord: Ha ha! Darn, I wish I wouldn’t have thrown away the mold I used to create your sense of humor! Anyway, speaking of school lunches, bring me a cow, a goat and a ram, each of them three years old.
Abram: One goat, one cow and one ram.Okay. I’m writing it down. Is that all?
The Lord: Did you get the dove and the pigeon?
Abram: No you didn’t say anything about a dove and a pigeon.
The Lord: Oh yes I did.
Abram: No you didn’t.
The Lord shot Abram a don’t make me use the lightning look.
Abram: Ha ha! I was joking, Lord! Of course I wrote down the dove and the pigeon.
The Lord: Ahaha! You know what, Abram?
Abram: What?
The Lord: You’re way funnier than Noah ever was.
Abram: It’s a shame about the mold.
The Lord: Tell me about it.
And that concludes today’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories. Please check back next week to find out what The Lord wants Abram to do with the cow, the goat, the ram and the dove and the pigeon! What could it be?
Until next time . . . I love you
Loosely based on Genesis 15: 1-9
Linda Vernon Humor 
My favourite thus far -and they have all been blinding good!
Oh my gosh! Well that puts a spring in my step. Thanks Mike!
I’m so with home on those school lunches, but somehow I don’t think it would have been abram making them
Yeah. I have a feeling that slave he had that lived in Damascus packed all the lunches and had them sent over special delivery by Ox Cart Express.
Gees. Send that ox cart here
Exactly how many wives is this going to require? You’d think the diapers and midnight feedings would be the terrible part but that’s not the worse of it. Let’s say, hypothetically, that he needs 1,000 wives to meet the quote. Well, do you know what that means, don’t you. 1,000 mother-in-laws. I rather renounce Jesus and take up with Satan himself.
I’m going to try channeling Abram to see what he says about 1000 mother-in-laws . . . Okay I’m going into a trance . . . I’m getting something . . . hang on . . . here it comes . . . Abram’s message is . . . OY VEY!
I’ve never met a future mother-in-law who hadn’t taken up with Satan long ago. They always get away with it because it isn’t a question one asks until its way too late. You just roll with it. On the plus side, they always know the best restaurants. Just saying.
“Ark building leaves precious little time for swimming lessons.”
Linda Vernon’s Bumper Book of Stuff You Really Need To Know
I only have time to for this short note letting you know that I am a mother-in-law — I’d make this note longer but I’m on my way to the best restaurant in town.
See…? I just knew it. Right now, she’s got Casa Vega running around like headless chickens to find an etruscan marble pestle and mortar to grind her fresh organic parsley and dill. She sent the first lot back because Hebridean Single Malt oak – aged chopping boards are sooo 2013…
LOL! I’m not sure what we’re talking about but I’ll bring The Potter Barn $40 sustainable seagrass salad tongs!
I love the “Linda Vernon’s bumper book of stuff you really need to know. ” But did they mean bumper sticker? OMG what a great idea- start your own line of bumper stickers. Left you a message Linda, Did ya get it?
Well – that is an even better idea! I was thinking of the ‘bumper’ and ‘giant’ books that plagued us British kids throughout the last century. “The Bumper Book of Toys You Can Make From Cement” etc. etc.
Hi Joy! Yes! Let’s get together! I sent you an e-mail! You’ll have to excuse me now as I gotta figure out how to put the glue on this bumper sticker i just made that says, “Hurray! I found the bumpersticker glue!”
If Abram made an extra sandwich and kept it for a week, the Lord would have had all the mold he wanted…
The Lord is now slapping his almighty forehead!
What about when they all become teenagers? Can we order a plague and thin ’em out? That’s just too many raging hormones bumping into each other at one time.
Now that’s the best adolescent solution I’ve ever heard! Well that and replacing their mattress wtih a bed of nails the minute they move out of the house!
Hi Linda,
I had been doing some research for my latest post, so I was in that frame of mind when I came over here. There are at most to someone with good vision 6,000 stars visible to the naked eye.
But not to worry, this being religion, there are workarounds that make “all things possible to them that believe.” Here’s what we do to make the scriptures conform to this post: we use logic and reason. Now, it only stands to reason that a superhuman man who can live to be (thankfully, I’ve forgotten how old he was supposed to have aged to, but let’s pull an age out of a hat, which is after all how it was originally done. I say he was ten thousand years old. Never mind that the world is only six thousand years old–there are workarounds for that, too.) So, if the human life span is now 80 years, and he lived to be a hundred thousand, I can saw with confidence–using biblical math, that he could see 800,000 stars. Hence, it was a long night of counting for Abram.
LOL Donald!! You’re biblical mathematical skills are astounding. Not to mention your “work around biblical logic” I have a feeling they could really use a person like you at the Vatican. How does personal assistant to the Pope sound? I can just see the duties now. Hat polishing, robe hemming, star counting . . .
Pope Francis is a good man. So, the job wouldn’t be as much fun as it used to be. No more party girls to hang out with. 😦
Ah at least the Vatican has their memories!