Linda’s Bedtime Stories for Grown Up Children

Panhandler Pennsylvania

Two things put the tiny town of Panhandler, Pennsylvania on the map.  One was its pan-handle factory and the other was its bowling alley, the Lucky Strike, run by Ivan “The Turk” Iverson, who, during his illustrious career as a professional bowler, started every game with a turkey.  That is to say, he would bowl three consecutive strikes at the beginning of every tournament.

For years, The Turk enjoyed the charmed life of a professional bowler, giving bowling tips to heads of state, meeting with presidents at the White House to explain score keeping, and even discussing the pros and cons of his most beloved balls with the Queen of England!

Then one day — while The Turk was conducting his popular seminar Bowling Shoes: The Good The bad and The Ugly in the break room of the pan-handle factory — there was a horrible explosion, the result of which blew off both of The Turk’s thumbs and permanently parted his hair on the side, instantly rendering him just another ex-professional bowler with a stupid hairdo.

After that The Turk spent most of his time trying to kill himself.  But without thumbs, he couldn’t tie a noose, get the lid off a bottle of sleeping pills or even get a razor blade out of its packet, much less slit his wrists with it.

Time passed and one day while The Turk was out in his garage trying to grab hold of the ladder so he could jump off the roof, his luck turned around when the phone rang.

It was the President wanting The Turk to come to Washington and be in his Bowling Cabinet. By now The Turk was penniless.  But if he could figure out a way to get there, his troubles would be over . . .

So if you see a man with a funny hairdo just outside Panhandler, Pennsylvania trying to thumb a ride with his index finger, stop and give the poor guy a ride, will ya?

HOrrible art by Linda Vernon Humor
Ivan “The Turk” Iverson

Until next time . . . I love you

Score One for Massaged Gums!

Hello Dear Readers!  I am delighted to report that  the other day, while I was milling around the thrift store, I came across this wonderful 1943 ad for Ipana Tooth Paste.   

It was so endearing, so inspiring, so downright uplifting that I just had share it with you! 

Traction Splint 1943

It seems feisty, first-aid, heroine, Kay Hunt was feeling pretty darn good about herself with her ability to whip up a traction splint as easily as she whipped up that batch of fudge last night —  just as she did every night . . . all alone . . .  with no one to talk to but her radio.

But in some sort of weird world war II gratitude, Kay Hunts’ traction-splint victim pointed out that she noticed — while Kay Hunt was taking two and a half hours to figure out how to tie a traction splint — that Kay Hunt didn’t brush her teeth  before leaving the house.

She even went so far as to tell Kay Hunt her dingy smile and pink toothbrush are the reason Kay Hunt couldn’t get a date — even though Kay has a perfect figure and looks like a movie star (but of course she didn’t say that last part out loud.)

Now instead of getting mad and wrapping that traction splint around her victim’s catty little neck, our once feisty first-aid,  heroine, Kay Hunt, became  instantly inconsolable.

Luckily, Kay’s friend who was wearing a military uniform — thus making her superior in intelligence, common sense, and personal hygiene — attempted to comfort Kay Hunt by pouring large quantities of salt in her wound and agreeing that Kay really did need to brush her teeth at least as good as  grade school children do and that nowadays the foods you eat won’t brush your teeth for you, which apparently used to be the case  prior to World War II.

Enter Creepy Dentist and Ipana Toothpaste

Kay Hunt star of 1943 toothpast Ad

So the next day our heroine Kay Hunt went to visit her oddly, creepy dentist who stood in such a way as to keep his distance from Kay lest he get a whiff of the air emanating from Kay’s . . . how to put this . . .  dingy smile.

He explained to Kay (from across the room) that in order to get a date Kay will have to massage her gums with Ipana Toothpaste in order to stimulate them!  Who knew? (Certainly not Kay!)

And boy did Kay feel sheepish having to be told this by her creepy dentist!  But sure enough Kay went right home and massaged her gums ad nauseum!

The next thing you know,  our feisty, first-aid heroine, Kay Hunt’s gums were so very, very massaged that she became a huge hit with the all branches of the armed services.

“I can thank this new-found smile of mine for winning me a military escort and a naval convoy!”  gushed our feisty, first-aid heroine, Kay Hunt.

And that, Dear Readers is  how our feisty, first-aid, world war II heroine, Kay Hunt, became a very, very busy girl for the rest of World War II.

Until next time . . . I love you

How to Drink a Caster Oil Sandwich in 1949

I found this little 1949 booklet at the thrift store the other day.

Apparently, back in 1949, before Facebook was invented, people had to make friends with whomever (or whatever) they could scrape up.

Alright fine, but how hard up does a person have to be to count Pure Bicarbonate of Soda as one of their friends?

I’m talking to you people of 1949! What were you thinking making Bicarbonate of Soda your friend?  Hello?  . . . ok, fine don’t answer me.

I’ll make something up and say it’s true. That’s what you get for ignoring me!

Let’s start by pretending we live in 1949.  What else were you doing today anyway. (I mean besides pretending to be working.)

As you know, the first thing to do when pretending anything is to rush over to Google and start asking a lot of unnecessary questions:

What was the cost of a first class stamp in 1949?   

Google says: $.03
Who was the President of the United States in 1949?

Google says: “Harry S. Truman”
Why did Newfoundland join the Canada Confederation?   

Google says: “You’re joking right?”

How do you write 1949 in Roman Numerals?  

Google says: “Get outta here kid, ya bother me.”

Well apparently Google got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. So let’s try to conjure up 1949 by using this picture from 1951 that I found in my baby book and subtracting 2 years from it in our minds.

Checking to see if limbs are operable
Me and Mom (I’m on the right)

As you can see from this picture of me and Mom, 1949 was rather bleak, stark and dark. On the upside, they did have doilies (one) and lamps (one) and a window (one).

And even though you don’t see any “friends” in this picture, I’ll bet you anything if you were to go into the kitchen, you would have found Mom’s besty, Pure Bicarbonate of Soda, relaxing on the kitchen shelf, at the ready for Mom should she suddenly need Dear ol’ Carby.

OK, now that our minds are firmly ensconced in 1949, let’s just pretend something came up, and we are going to need our new BFF, Dear ol’ Carby, to come to the rescue.

Let’s say we were in need of . . . oh I don’t know maybe a . . . CASTER OIL SANDWICH?

Apparently back in 1949, there was some weirdness going on. First, that a Caster Oil Sandwich was actually on any menu at all, and second, that  it was a sandwich  you were suppose to :“Drink while effervescing.” 

I don’t know about you, but I rarely effervesce when I drink sandwiches . . . but that’s just me.

What’s say we toddle back  over to Google, shall we?  And let’s ask Google why anybody would want to drink a Caster oil Sandwich:

Under what circumstances would someone drink a Caster oil Sandwich?

Google says: “Get outta here kid, you bother me!”

Fine be that way!

If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen with Dear ol’ Carby preparing a Caster oil Sandwich for our new besty, Goog.

Eww!
Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Fishing Jesus Style

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Gregory goes to Sunday School Every week, then comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesFishing Jesus Style

One day, while Jesus was walking along the beach and soaking up some rays at the Sea of Galilee,  He saw two brothers who were fishermen. One was named Simon who everybody called Peter and one was named Andrew who everybody called Andy.

The fishermen were casting their fishing nets into the sea to catch some fish to take home to eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner and a bedtime snack when Jesus climbed into Simon’s boat.

At least Jesus assumed it was Simon’s boat since it said Simon’s Bad Habit on the side in Hebrew.  Jesus explained that He would like to teach the people standing on the shore from the venue of Simon’s fishing boat.

Jesus recruiting the Simon Peter and Andrew

The conversation might have gone something like this:

Jesus: Hi Simon!  I’m Jesus.  Would you mind if I lecture the people who have gathered on the shore from you fishing boat.

Simon: Not at all!  But it’s kind of messy, and  I don’t have a podium or anything.

Jesus:  Not a problem.  It’s really more of an informal talk than a lecture anyway, Simon.

Simon: Sure that would be terrific. Oh and Jesus? Call me Peter, everybody does.”

But Jesus didn’t hear Peter say this as He had already started giving His talk. After that Jesus had some instructions for Simon:

Jesus:  Push the boat out further to the deep water, and you and your partners can let down your nets for a catch, Simon.”

Simon: Sure, Jesus, I’d be happy to do that, but it’s Peter.

Jesus: Where?

Simon:  No I mean, I’m Peter.

Jesus:  Then who’s Simon?”

Simon:  I’m Simon.

Jesus: But you just said you were Peter.

Simon: I am Peter.  My name’s Simon but everybody calls me Peter.

Jesus: Why?

Simon:  I don’t know.  I was hoping maybe you’d know, Jesus.

Jesus: I have no idea, Simon.

Simon: It’s Peter.

Jesus: Where?

After that Peter and his brother, Andy, let down their nets and caught such a large number of fish, their nets were about to break.  So they motioned to the fishermen in the next boat to row over and help. All the fishermen started piling the fish into their boats until their boats were so full, they were about to sink.

At that point Simon Peter fell on his knees on top of all the fish. (Even back then fishermen had no problem kneeling on fish)

Simon: “Go away from me, Lord! I am a sinful man!”

Jesus:  Don’t be afraid. From now on you will be catching men.

Simon:  You mean mermen, Jesus?” (Simon Peter was never the  brightest fisherman in the boat.)

Jesus: “No just regular men, Simon.”

Simon: “It’s Peter.”

Jesus: “Where?”

Then they pulled their boats up on the beach and left  them and all the fish and  followed Jesus. Which was fine with the fisherman since they were all thoroughly sick of fish anyway.

 And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please come back next week for another edition Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories. 

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday School. Every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.

This week Gregory learned about King David.  Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon HumorKing David and the Ark of the Covenant Fudge

Once there was a king named David.  David had excellent fine motor skills and began his meteoric rise to biblical stardom when he killed the giant, Goliath, with his slingshot.  Biblical scholars all agree it would have been much cooler if David  would have used a  yo-yo but the only toy that had been invented up to that point was, unfortunately, the dreidel.

A couple days after David became king, he suddenly realized that, what with all the slaughterings, and what with all  the crazy mix-ups with the Lord, they had completely forgotten about the Ark of the Covenant.  D oy h!

When King David announced he was going to go pick up the Ark  from the town of Kirjath-jearim, there was much rejoicing in the streets because not only was King David their sling-shot idol, but also he pronounced Kirjath-jearim  in such a way that made it sound like “Hawaii”.

So the the entire population of Israel followed King David to Mr. Abinadab’s house in Hawaii (who had been using the ark as a coffee table) just as Mr. Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio,  had decided to sell it in their yard sale.

When they saw that the entire population of Israel had shown up for the sale, they were flabbergasted because they hadn’t even bother to put up signs.

Luckily, the Ark of the Covenant hadn’t sold yet as Mr. Abinadab had a 25-goat price-tag on it, which was about 20 goats more than anyone was willing to pay for what looked like the world’s gaudiest coffee table. But King David was nothing if not a good negotiator:

King David:  So how much you want for the gaudy coffee table?

Mr. Abinadab:  We’re asking 25 goats.

King David:  25 goats?  That seems a little steep.  Does it come with coasters?

Mr. Abinadab:  You don’t need any.  You can set anything on it and it doesn’t leave a mark.  I once put a hot pan of fudge on it — and not only did it NOT leave a mark, the fudge was heavenly!

King David:  Hm. . . well I do love fudge. Will you take five goats for it?

Mr. Abinadab:  How about twelve goats and a chicken?

King David:  I’ll give you seven goats and  half a chicken . . .

Mr. Abinadab:  It will have to be seven goats and a whole chicken since I don’t have change for half a chicken.

Everybody watched as the ark was painstakingly lifted  and placed in the royal ox cart. It was pretty heavy owing to the fact that it not only contained the ten commandments on stone tablets but also Mr. Abinadab had forgotten to remove his bowling ball collection inside.

King David: Listen, Mr. Abinadab, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’ll give your sons, Ahio andAzzuh, the honor of driving the royal cart containing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem.

Mr. Abinadab:  Uh . . . are you sure you want to do that?  They just got their cart licenses and they’ve already racked up a couple of speeding tickets.

King David:  Ha ha!  Well that’s to be expected.  Don’t tell me!  2 mph  in a 1 mph zone?

Mr. Abinadab: No, 3 mph in a 1 mph zone!

King David:  How is that possible?

Mr. Abinadab:  Tailwind.

As the cart began to move, there was a loud burst of music as David and the Israelites (who later became the Tabernacle Choir), started singing, playing harps, timbrels, cymbals, trumpets and something called psalteries which biblical scholars believe was a type of musical pastry.

Everybody was just so darn happy until the wind picked up and Ahio took a corner a little too fast and nearly dumped the Ark.  His brother, Azzuh, put his hand on the ark to keep it from falling and died instantly.

“La la la la la la la uh oh!”
“La la la la la la la what’s wrong?”
“Did you just la la la la la feel that tailwind?”

Naturally, this was a biblical buzz kill of epic proportions and King David realized that in order to carry the ark from Hawaii safely, they would have to stop every six steps and make a sacrifice to the lord which slowed down their progress considerably.

“One two three four five six and sacrifice one two three four five six and sacrifice one two . . .”

Some months later, when the Ark was finally back in Jerusalem, and King David had his feet up on his new coffee table Ark, he couldn’t help thinking about what a great guy Mr. Abinadab and his two one son had been. Not only that, but his Ark of the Covenant Fudge was heavenly.

 

“Careful, watch the fudge!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.  Please come by next week at this time to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school! 

Until next time . . . I love you

Linda’s Guide to Making Things Work

Welcome Dear Readers!  Today I thought it would be fun to share with you a synopsis of the book I’m thinking about writing called Linda’s Guide to Making Things Work.

Linda's Guide to Making it work

Chapter One:

Make whatever isn’t working work

Chapter Two

Make whatever is working keep working

Chapter Three

If  anything quits working see chapter one

Chapter Four

When something isn’t working try something else and see if that works

Chapter Five

If trying something else didn’t work, try to remember how you made anything work in the first place and do that again

Chapter Six

Take a Jack Daniel’s break

Chapter Seven

If you still can’t remember how you made anything work in the first place redefine the term “what is working”

Chapter Eight

Now everything should be working

Chapter Nine

See you were being far too hard on yourself

Chapter Ten

Now get out there and make it work!

 

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a synopsis of Linda’s Guide to Making Things Work, now get out there and make it work! 

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Meeting Jesus’s Dad

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson he learned.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day Jesus brought his three favorite disciples to meet his Dad. Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the story.

GregoryMeeting Jesus’s Dad

One day Jesus decided to take his three best friends, Peter, James and John up on a high mountain alone.   The bible doesn’t say how the other nine disciples felt about their not being invited and biblical scholars can only speculate that Peter, James and John came home to find their robes all tied together.

Anyway, once they all got up to the top of the mountain, the disciples watched while Jesus prayed.  The more Jesus prayed, the sleepier the disciples got.  Before you know it, the disciples were out like unattended oil lamps!

When the disciples opened their eyes,  Jesus had changed into his heavenly civvies which the disciples described as being as bright as the sun.

But that’s not all!  The disciples saw that there were now two men with Jesus.  One was Moses and the other one was Elijah.  The disciples knew who these two men were because most biblical scholars agree they were wearing name tags.

Peter piped up immediately and said he would like to build them all some tents.  One for Jesus, one for Moses, one for Elijah and one for the little boy who lived down the lane (Peter was a kidder).

Anyway just as Peter was going on and on about tents, he was interrupted by what looked like a shiny cloud, but was actually Jesus’s Dad, God.  God said:

“This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased; hear him.” 

When the disciples heard God’s voice the disciples all screamed and threw themselves face down on the ground.

After awhile, Jesus came and touched them and told them not to be afraid and when the disciples looked up the two men were gone and there was no sign of the shiny cloud.

As they came down the mountain Jesus asked the disciples not to tell anybody what they saw until the Son of Man had been raised from death.  The disciples pretended to know what Jesus was talking about even though they had no idea what Jesus was talking about.  (When asked about this later, the disciples insisted they did  keep the story a secret and had absolutely no idea how it had gotten in the bible!)

When they got back home sure enough Peter, John and James had their robes all tied together.

But Jesus’s stuff was just as he had left it.

“Fellas I’d like you to meet Noah and Elijah.”
“No I’m Noah!”
“Oh sorry, you guys look just alike!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers. What Gregory learned in Sunday school. Please check back next week to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

50 Billion Planets and I Can’t Find My Telescope!

The Daily Mail Online

The Daily Mail Online is a UK newspaper, and I love the way they say things:  Like today for instance.  There was a story about how Gwyneth Paltrow (in whom the UK is extremely interested) looks so slender and fit in her bikini, that she is the reason females all over the world are “weeping into their Snack a Jacks.”

People in the UK Say Things Differently

And did you know people in the UK don’t thumb through the paper; they “flick” through it? In the UK, a saggy butt is a “squishy bum” and English people never come over, they “pop over” instead.  But we would expect no less from the nation who brought us nursery rhymes.  Which is why I get all my news now from the Daily Mail Online.

Planets Galore

Today I read in the DM’s Science and Technology Section that scientists have estimated the number of planets in the Milky Way to be 50 billion. The jury is still out on how many in Snickers. (I’ve decided to finally use that Make a Lame Joke Get Out of Jail Free card I’ve been carrying around for years.)

Anyway, at the risk of coming off as flippant, I must respond to this 50 billion planet revelation with a resounding duh.

Heelllooo!  Internet to Scientists! 

Have you not noticed there is a little thing out there that Al Gore invented called the internet?  Do you not know that there are 50 billion websites dedicated to nothing but UFO’s, aliens and all things outer space-ishly freakish?

Perhaps I should type the rest of this post in baby talk for “certain people in our society who don’t get all their science information from UFO websites” but I’ll give them the benefit of the goo goo da da doubt.

First of all, anybody worth their weight in bandwidth knows that the queen of England is a Reptilian. 

 

As proof, here she is resisting the urge to lap up a fly with her tongue
Reptilianism

You see, my dear Scientific Community, Reptilians are blood-drinking, shape-shifting reptilian humanoids from Alpha Draconic star system now hiding in underground bases in Hollow Earth and are doing mean things to people.

Obviously you woefully uninformed scientists need to read the writing on the crop circles.

Why do you men and women of science insist on always figuring out things the hard way?  You know, like reading things and writing things down, and crunching numbers and fooling around with test tubes and looking through telescopes and whatnot.

As the crop circle suggests get with it Dawgs! 

By the time you figure something out you’ll be dead.  Skip to the chase Dawgs and Dawgettes, get to the bottom line, or, as you UK scientists are fond of saying, the squishy bum!  We haven’t got time as The Race of Numbered Days to be monkeying around trying to figure things out the slow way.  Let’s just go with the hearsay and be done with it.

Stay with Me Here

Which means that everything we thought was true is false and everything we thought was false is true.  Stay with me here because I’m getting confused and I’m hoping you’ll be able to explain it to me later.

So Let’s Recap

The earth is a hollow ball located in the cosmos of Milky Way galaxy which may or may not be filled with a creamy nugget center but, either way, has reptile people writhing around inside of it taking turns pretending to be the queen of England. Oh, and there’s 50 billion more where that came from!

It’s enough to make you weep into your Snack a Jacks!

 

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Boating Bread-less With Jesus

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about the day the disciples forgot to bring the bread when they crossed the lake with Jesus. Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.

GregoryBoating Bread-less With Jesus

Back in the time of Jesus, before sandwiches were invented, everybody was just crazy about bread.  Eating bread back then was as popular as eating Chicken McNuggets is today.  Only in those days, there was no such thing as dipping sauce or condiments so everyone just had to take big dry bites right out of the loaf.

Whenever there was a potluck at the temple, everybody just brought bread or bread salad.  Sometimes John the Baptist would show up with his specialty, bread smeared with honey and locusts.  But nobody ever took any unless he was standing right there watching them.  Then they would politely take a small piece and carefully nibble on only the parts of bread that didn’t have any honey and locusts touching it.

A few people would bring baskets of fish or fishes as they called fish in those days.  People would reach into the basket of fishes and scoop up a handful and eat them like we would eat a handful of mixed nuts today. People loved eating fishes whole almost as much as they loved taking big dry bites right out of the loaf.

Sometimes at these potlucks, some Pharisees and some Sadducees would show up.  These were two biblical gangs who roamed the Holy Land on their Harleys. (Part of the gang initiation was you had to change the name of your donkey to Harley.)

One day Jesus and his disciples were crossing to the other side of the lake (crossing the lake was one of the biggest past times in biblical days) where some Pharisees and Sadducees were hanging out on their Harleys, when the disciples made an unhappy discovery.

Matthew:  John.  Where’s the bread?

John:  What bread?

Matthew:  You were supposed to bring the bread with.

John:  Nuh uh.  Mark said he was going to bring the bread.

Mark:  No.  I said I was bringing the fishes.

Luke:  I’ll take some fishes.  I’m starving.

Mark:  I already ate them all.

Luke:  Pig!

Mark:  Sorry I ate the pig too.

When Jesus found out the disciples forgot the bread he said:

“Take care: be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.

The disciples discussed this statement among themselves:

 Mark:  Jesus is saying this because we didn’t bring any bread.

Luke:  I’m so hungry I’d even eat a honey and locust sandwich.

Matthew:  John, I could have sworn I specifically told you to bring the bread . . .

Then Jesus said:

“Why are you discussing among yourselves about not having any bread?”

Some biblical scholars say Jesus wanted to add, “Hello!  Disciples!  Why are you talking about me like I’m not standing right here.” but concluded Jesus didn’t say that because He would have been way too polite.

Then Jesus said:

“Don’t you remember when I broke the five loaves for the five thousand men? How many baskets did you fill?

John:  Uh . . . I forgot my abacus at home, sorry . . .

Jesus:  And what about the seven loaves for the four thousand men?  How many baskets did you fill?

John:  Uh . . . let’s see . . . it’s on the tip of my tongue . . .

Jesus:  How about you, Mark, you have your hand up.  Do you know?

Mark:  No I was just scratching my head.

Jesus:  How is it that you don’t understand that I was not talking to you about bread?

Luke:  Uh . . . because we’re not real bright?

Jesus:  Guard yourselves from the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees!

Then the disciples realized that Jesus wasn’t talking about actual yeast but was warning them about the teachings of the Pharisees and the Sadducees.

And the twelve stomaches of the twelve disciples growled all the way home.

Jesus crossing the lake

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Tower of abel-Bay

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how all of Noah’s descendants got together to build the Tower of Babel, and he couldn’t help imagining how that might have happened.

GregoryThe Tower of abel-Bay

Even though Noah lived to be 950 years old, he never topped the time he saved the animal kingdom and mankind from extinction.  Still, he kept busy puttering in his vineyard and joking with his sons about how many grandkids it would take to put oil in a lamp.

After awhile though, there were so many kids being born that parents quickly ran out of the easy to pronounce names, like Gomer, and had to resort to giving them names that were so hard to pronounce everybody just called everybody else “hey you in the robe.”

Then they all wandered around together veering east, until they came to a  really nice valley in the land of Shi’nar so they decided to build a city there and call it Babylon in lieu of Shi’nar — thus circumventing thousands of years of annoying apostrophe placement questions in one simple decision.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey everybody!  Doesn’t this look like a really nice place to build a city?  Let’s name it Babylon.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Why Babylon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Because we’re all more or less a baby of Noah.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Okay that explains the baby — but why the lon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Lon means city.

Hey you in the robe #2:  No it doesn’t!

Hey you in the robe #1:  What are you, an attorney?

Hey you in the robe #2:   I’m a linguist.

Hey you in the robe #1:  How’s business?

Hey you in the robe #2:   Pretty slow what with everyone speaking the same language using the same words and whatnot.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Dude, you’re complicating my buzz!

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

And thus it was decided to build a city and call it Babylon, and it was also decided to build a tower with its “top in the heavens” so that they could make a name for themselves by replacing the banner that said “If you lived here you’d be home now!” with whatever their names were.

Hey you in the robe #1:  What do you want to build the city out of?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Let’s make bricks and stick them together with tar!  What’s wrong, you look disappointed?

Hey you in the robe #1:  I was kind of hoping we’d use Legos.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

Tissot_Building_the_Tower_of_Babel
“Do you still want the Legos?”
“Nah, we have to use bricks.”
“Says who?”
“Hey you in the robe.”
“That guy bugs me.”

After the city and the tower were built, the Lord came down for a site inspection.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Well how do you like it, Lord?

But the lord only answered by saying out loud to himself and his new heavenly companions that he met on Faceofgodbook, “This is just the beginning of what they will do, soon they will be able to do anything they want!  Let us go down and mix up the languages so that they will not understand each other.”

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey you in the robe #2, what did the Lord mean when he said that?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Icksnay on the Owertay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  Come again?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Lord no likee.  We’re all being ansferredtray.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Where toski?

Hey you in the robe #2: evelandclay.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Oway itshay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  You can say that againski!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, how Gregory imagined what really happened at the Tower of Babel. Be sure to check back next Sunday to see what Gregory learns in Sunday School!

Until next time . . . I love you

Tower of Babel

Things That Got Flushed That Hadn’t Oughta

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Retrospectively Funny.”

Welcome Dear Readers.  The Daily Post’s writing prompt inspired me to dig up this old post I wrote about something that wasn’t funny at the time . . .

Toilet with flowers Linda Vernon Humor

I don’t mean to brag, but I have been using “the facilities” on my own now for over fifty years, and I know, firsthand, some crazy things that got flushed that hadn’t oughta.

Once, when I was four, my mother bought a batch of the most beautiful red apples you ever saw and displayed them on the table.  I asked for one, and my mother gave it to me.

I was an apple lover from the get go!

I took one bite and spit it out.

That’s because this apple was a deceitful type of apple, the kind that looks like it’s going to be delicious but, instead, tastes like dry, sandy-mush.

A couple of days later, I must have forgotten how horrible the apple tasted because I asked my mother for another one.  And she agreed, but only if I promised I wouldn’t take just one bite and spit it out. Who me?  Heavens no! Mother! Please! Don’t be ridiculous! She handed me an apple.

I took one bite and spit it out.

Even Eve didn’t have so much trouble with an apple.

Later in the week, I happened to walk by the beautiful red apples that were still sitting on the table (now we know why) and asked for another one. My mother wisely said no because there wasn’t any questions in her mind, by now, what I was going to do.

Well for some reason, I was set on it.  I began begging dramatically.  “Please Mother! Please!  I won’t spit it out! For the love of God,  I beg of you! I must have an apple if I am ever going to thrive!”

My mother acquiesced, handed me yet another apple along with a stern warning that she better not find this one in the garbage with one bite out of it

I took one bite and spit it out.

Ok, now I had a big problem on my hands.  Where to dispose of a big, beautiful red, sandy-mushy apple with one bite out of it.  I had to think, think! And quickly before my mother discovered the truth!

I made an emergency executive decision to flush it. So I went into the bathroom, looked both ways, threw the apple with one bite out of it into the toilet and pushed down the handle.

I was amazed when it actually went down!  Fabulous!  I dusted off my four-year-old hands and resumed playing.

Later that day I happened to walk by the bathroom just as my father was lifting the entire toilet, itself, off the floor.  I was flabbergasted!  I had no idea it would “do that!”

I still hadn’t put two and two together until I saw him reach his hand down the pipe and pull out a big beautiful red apple with one bite out of it.

Uh oh . . .

Shame quickly set it.  I couldn’t have felt worse if I would have gunned down Santa. But that’s another story for another day.

Suffice it to say, I’ve been privy to lots of things that got flushed that hadn’t outta — but it all started with that beautiful red apple with one bit out of it.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Day God Decided to Destroy Mankind but Had Lunch Instead

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned how God decided to destroy all living things on earth . . . again — that is until he got sidetracked.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

The Day God Decided to Destroy Mankind but Had Lunch Instead

At one point, deep inside the bible, the Lord was getting jealouser and jealouser because he was losing a lot of his worshipers to other gods.  Some worshipers were totally into worshiping a god named Baal (Baaleibers). While others camped out on the roof all day worshiping the sun (and getting a heck of a tan in the process) while still others were putting their prayer hands together for an obscure god named Milcom.

It just so happens that during this period of turmoil, the prophet, Zephaniah, was God’s go-to prophet.  One day while Zephaniah was busy staring at his goat, the Lord spoke:

The Lord:  Zephaniah!   I am going to destroy everything on earth, all human beings and animals, birds and fish and I will bring about the downfall of the wicked.  I will destroy all mankind and no survivors will be left, I, the Lord, have spoken, Zephaniah!  Are you listening?

Zephaniah:  Yeah sure.  I’m listening.

The Lord:  Then take your eyes off your goat and look at Me!

Zephaniah:  I would but I can’t see You,  I can only hear You.

The Lord:  Well at least have the courtesy of looking in the direction you think My voice is coming from.

Zephaniah:  But it’s coming from inside my head.

The Lord:  In that case go ahead and stare at your goat.

Zephaniah:  Thanks!

The Lord:  Now where was I?

Zephaniah:  You were saying how you were going to destroy everyone and everything on earth.

The Lord:  Ah yes . . .

Zephaniah:  So what are you going to do create another flood or something?

The Lord:  No, that would make Me miss Noah too much.  I don’t usually play favorites, but if Noah were here now I’d give him such an Almighty Noogie.

Zephaniah: Where is Noah now?

The Lord:  Who knows?

Zephaniah:  You mean he’s not in heaven?

The Lord:  Ha ha ha! Just messin’ with your head, kid. You’ll get used to it the way Moses did.  Remind me to tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses back in Exodus 4:24-26.

Zephaniah:  But why?

The Lord:  I don’t remember.  I think maybe I had low-blood sugar or something. But don’t worry, I”m not going to try to kill you, Zephaniah . . . much . . . Ha ha ha!

Zephaniah:  You’re kidding, right?

The Lord:  Sort of.

Zephaniah:  So what did you want me to tell the people?  That you are going to destroy the world?

The Lord: Basically I’m going to punish everyone who worships the wrong god,  it will be a day of fury, a day of trouble and distress. But I will spare all the humble and lowly people and at the end of their ordeal and they will sing “A Song of Joy” that tries to rhyme “Israel” with “Jerusalem” but nobody will object because they are too humble and lowly.

Zephaniah:  Sounds good. Can I go now?

The Lord:  No. I have a lot more describing to do about how I’m going to punish and destroy and slaughter evil people for being so evil, but I’m getting hungry for lunch.

Zephaniah:  I need to go to the market, but I’ll see if I can scrounge up something up for You.

The Lord:  Okay don’t go to too much trouble. I’m not picky.  You can just throw a quart of olive oil and some unleavened bread on the alter,  and maybe a ram or two . . . Do you have any donkey radish?

Zephaniah:  No sorry.

The Lord:  How about just a donkey then?

Zephaniah:  Fresh out of donkeys.  Let’s see here . . . hmm . . . looks like I only have four pigeons left . . .

The Lord:  Great I’ll have those.

Zephaniah:  Okay . . . oops . . .  nevermind . . . they’re  molt-y.

The Lord:  Okay just give me that goat your staring at.

Zephaniah:  But if I give you the goat I’m staring at what will I stare at?

The Lord:  Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to kill Moses?

Zephaniah:  One goat comin’ right up!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, the day God was going to destroy the world, but luckily got sidetracked! Check back every Sunday to find out what new story Gregory will learn in Sunday school.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Baal Baby Sacrificingt
“Thanks, but if you don’t have any donkey radish to go with, forget it.”

 

when bad things happen to good moses's

8 Ways to Tell if You’re Too Into Coffee

Welcome Dear Readers!  Do you ever suspect that not only do you love drinking your coffee, but that maybe you are a little too into coffee itself? 

Eight Ways to Tell If You’re Too into Coffee

 

You’ve replaced all your buttons with coffee beans

Coffee Bean Buttons
“What? No they aren’t Milk Dud buttons, they’re coffee bean buttons! What are you? Blind?”

You just can’t understand why Juan Valdez never makes People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive

 Juan Valdez

 

All your furniture is coffee bean bag

girls in coffee bean bag chair

 

You’ve been much happier since it dawned on you that any empty space can be theoretically filled with coffee

Grand Canyon Filled with coffee

 

You absolutely refuse to become an astronaut until there’s a Starbucks on the Space Station

Tang in space

 

Frankly, if you got to drink coffee while being probed, you really wouldn’t mind being abducted by aliens all that much

Alien
“Okey Doke. One large coffee comin’ up. Cream?”

If God would have made the oceans coffee instead of salt water, you would have never dropped out of Sailor College

Sailors

 

 

Sure, you might be a little jittery from drinking too much coffee, but, hey, at least you’ve never felt an earthquake

earthquake Juan Valdez

 

And there you have it, Dear Readers, now go enjoy your coffee (but not too much).

Until next time  . . . I love you

My Brain Peanuts Remembers Soda Pop

Welcome Dear Readers to this edition of my brain Peanuts remembers.  

Today’s topic:  Soda Pop

Drinking soda in the fifties was a lot different from today. First of all, soda came in a bottle. In Washington state, where I grew up, there was no such thing as drinking a can of soda. No siree! We drank a bottle of pop or we drank nothing at all.

Back then, when you bought a bottle of pop, the pop was yours to drink — but you had to give back the bottle because you were merely renting it. After all, you had to pay a 2-cent deposit on it, for crying out loud, and not taking it back for a refund could seriously affect the budget.

So everyone always returned their pop bottles to get their two-cents back because two-cents in the fifties would buy enough gas to get you to Canada from anywhere in the United States.

 "Hot diggity dog! It's my ticket to Canada!"
“Hot diggity dog! It’s my ticket to Canada!”

The only people who drank out of a can were beer drinkers. But beer cans were worthless so beer drinkers didn’t worry about getting their deposit back. They would simply chuck the empties out of the window of whatever speeding vehicle they happened to be drunkenly swerving down the highway in.

Today, we would consider this drunk driving but in those days we simply considered it littering. And in the 1950’s, littering was America’s favorite pastime — as much a way of life as Polio, onesie gym clothes, and radio-active cleansing cream.

But whether you were drinking out of a bottle or drinking out of a can, you would have died of thirst in the 1950’s if you didn’t have one of these.

The most important invention of mankind since the creation of invention ITSELF!!!
The most important invention of mankind since the creation of invention ITSELF!!!

It was a combination bottle/can opener, and it was a wonderful little gadget. One end would pry off the caps of Debby and Bobby’s pop bottles while the other end would puncture a hole in Mom and Dad’s beer cans. (The only thing this can opener wouldn’t do is open a bottle of wine, but this wasn’t a problem because in the 50’s only Europeans drank wine.)

I think it’s fair to say that the bottle opener was as much a part of the foundation upon which the togetherness of the fifties family was built as smearing butch wax on crew cuts, stenciling on eyebrows or hiding under desks together to survive atomic blasts.

I remember my grandparents only drank Pepsi which they always referred to as Peps. Pepsi was for those who think young. Not only did my grandparents think young, they were young. When I was five, my grandmother was only 44. (Back then people started families way younger so they could get it out of the way quicker and have more time to drink Peps.)

Now let’s say you only drank half the Peps in that rented bottle of yours. What would you do? Well, instead of pouring it down the drain, you would save the remainder of the Peps by utilizing another ingenious type of gadget that people just referred to as that bottle thingy.

These bottle thingys were invented for two reasons.  1) to lock in soda pop freshness and  2) to give people in the future something to sell on e-bay.
These bottle thingys were invented for two reasons.
1) to lock in soda pop freshness and
2) to give people in the future something to sell on e-bay.

That bottle “thingy” I’m referring to was a rubber gasket that went into the top of the bottle to seal in the carbonation as well as that delicious Peps refreshing flavor. After all, you spent a whole dime for that bottle of Pepsi, and you wouldn’t want it to go to waste.

Not if you were ever going to afford that trip to Canada!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God’s Workaholism

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Every week Gregory attends Sunday School and every week he comes home and retells his own version of the lesson.  

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about Ezekiel’s unusual experience with the Lord and how he comes to the conclusion that God is working way too hard. Let’s listen in, shall we?

God’s Workaholism

One beautiful morning while Ezekiel was enjoying his breakfast of goat hotcakes on the roof of his holy-land hovel and admiring the view of the village shrub, he heard a familiar voice calling to him.

God:  Good Morning Mortal Man!   Are you ready to judge the city that is full of murderers?

Ezekiel:  Again already?  Didn’t you just punish and kill a bunch of sinners by starving everyone and making parents eat their children and children eat their parents and whatnot?

God:  Yes but God’s work is never done. You should see my in-box, Mortal Man.  I want you to help me punish some more sinners because your father was an Amorite, your mother was a Hittite and you were born in Canaan which makes you a Hiccup.

Ezekiel:  No it doesn’t.

God:  Yeah but it would be so cool if it did — so let’s just say it does.

Ezekiel:  Okay, so which city of murderers are you going to punish this time? By the way, don’t you have any vacation time coming up?

God:  Mortal Man!  I want you to announce what I am saying to the Ammonites who are insulting Israel. I was up til 3 a.m. writing a limerick about it. Tell me what you think.

“A sword is ready to destroy  It is polished to kill to flash like lightning.”

Ezekiel:  No offense, but it doesn’t rhyme very well.

God:  Well it does in the language I wrote it in.

Ezekiel:  What language was that?

God:   Uh . . . I’ll tell you later, but first I want to punish Jerusalem because they have no respect for the holy places, they eat sacrifices that are offered to idols, they sleep with their father’s wives, they seduce their daughter-in-law or their half sisters, etc., etc., etc.

Ezekiel:  Why didn’t you include all those sins in your limerick?

God:  And throw off the perfect pentameter?  Are you out of your mind?

God then began to symbolically explain to Ezekiel, due to his being a Hiccup and all, what happened after he was born.

God:  When you were born no one cut your umbilical cord and you were thrown into an open field.

Ezekiel:  Wow! That must have been one long umbilical cord!

God:  Listen up. I’m serious.

Ezekiel:  Sorry go ahead.

God:  I passed by and saw you squirming in  your own blood but I wouldn’t let you die.  You grew strong and tall and became a young woman.

Ezekiel:  Uh, you know, Lord, I think you’ve been working a little too hard.  Some time off from punishing sinners might do you a world of good. Because I don’t know if you’re just overworked or what, but in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a guy.

God:  No, I know you’re a guy. This is a symbolic story about you because your mother was a Hittite and your father was an Amorite and you are from Caanan which makes you a Hiccup.

Ezekiel:  I don’t get it.  Why do I have to be a woman in the story?

God:  I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about Jerusalem!  It’s a symbolic story!

Ezekiel:  Oh good then I’m still a guy!

God:  Of course you are!  Anyway then I passed by again and saw that the time had come for you to fall in love.  I covered your naked body with my coat and promised to love you. I dressed you in embroidered gowns and gave you shoes and a linen headband and–

Ezekiel:  Uh I hate to interrupt your story, Lord, but my goat hotcakes are getting cold.

God:  Oh sorry.  Well listen. I’ll come back later and tell you another symbolic story about how Jerusalem is a prostitute.

Ezekiel:  Well I don’t think I’m going to be home later.

God:  Well, when do you think you will  be home?

Ezekiel:  Uh . . . I’ll call you.

God:  Okay.  Call me anytime!  I’ll be up late working anyways!  I’ll keep my phone with!!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school.  Please check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love youEzekiel in Gregory's Bible Stories