Welcome Dear Readers! Thank you for coming. I apologize in advance for the fact that this will be a picture-less blog.
So I will try topaint pictures for you using my vast command of the English language if you can call three verbs, a semi-colon and a non-dangling participle a “vast command.”
This blog is picture-less becauseI am writing it on my beloved Ipad. I love my Ipad but I don’t know how to get pictures into a blog using it. It’s not that I don’t like reading instructions it’s just that . . . wait a minute . . . yes it is.
Okay, here’s where I would insert a picture of a lady with her eyeballs rolled up and her tongue sticking out to one side wearing a little cap tipped askew on the opposite side as her tongue is sticking out and with her index finger on her chin. The caption would read:
“Uh oh did somebody say instructions?”
You can just imagine how funny that would be. And if you can’t I suggest you take you’re imagination to the nearest Imagination Store and get it tuned up!
Okay, here’s where I would really make the last paragraph a zinger by inserting a picture of a lady with her eyeballs rolled up and her tongue sticking out to one side while wearing a little cap tipped askew on the opposite side as her tongue is sticking out and walking into a store of some kind. The caption would read:
“Uh oh . . . did somebody say imagination tune-ups?”
Well, you can just imaginehow hilarious this would have been had I been able to figure out how to work my Ipad. It would have been off-the-charts funny!
Okay, this is whereI would have inserted a picture of a chart where a line went squiggly for awhile and then went straight up past the chart itself and into the margin above it.
Welcome, Dear Readers, to the Weekend Trifecta Challenge. Today, we are challenged to write 33-word story incorporating the words: Tether, Loft and Crown.
Welcome Dear Readers to the very first edition of What Were We Thinking Eighties. Let’s start with some 1984 crocheting booklets that I was lucky enough to score at the thrift shop yesterday! YES! (Okay, nobody else wanted them, but still!)
Let’s Look Inside Annie’s Pattern Club Newsletter!
Isn’t it inexplicably wonderful?
Annie’s Pattern Club was (or possibly still is) a newsletter where mega-talented crocheters crocheted something original and then sent the pattern to Annie, and she would publish the cream-of-the-crop designs her newsletter.
And as you will see, never have so many people come up with so many crocheted solutions for so many things that were never a problem in the first place. Let’s look at a few, shall we?
Crocheted Football Mitts
“Gosh! I don’t understand it. Billy went to play football with the guys and he didn’t take his Crocheted Football Mitts I made him.” “Well that’s weird, maybe he didn’t want the rest of the players to feel bad because they don’t have a pair of Crocheted Football Mitts.” “You know you’re probably right. I’ll get busy and crochet some mitts for the whole team!”
Church Puppet
Need: Attention Getting Device to Keep Children Focused on Bible Stories. Crocheted Solution: A church puppet, not to be confused the a church pulpit. (Although, a dust cozy for a church pulpit probably would have made it into Annie’s Newsletter too.) But what better way for little children to learn about the bible than through the crocheted lips of this memorable, but-not-in-a-good-way church puppet. Oh sure it might give the little tikes nightmares, but they’ll certainly never forget the experience (no matter how hard they try).
Lil Guy Tie
“Oh no Helen! I can’t find little Billy’s tie anywhere, and we’re going to be late for the formal occasion for which toddler formal attire is required. What ever shall I do?” “Don’t worry, Madge! While you were blabbing on and on just now, I knitted Little Billy a tie, a pair of football mitts and a church puppet.” “Oh Helen I’m blown away! Maybe you could crochet me something to wear to a formal occasion while you’re at it.”
What to wear to a formal occasion in the 80’s
“Here’s some formal attire I knitted for you while you were blowing your nose, Madge. I think it’s perfect for any formal gathering don’t you?” “DO I! I’ll be the talk of the town wearing this outfit, Helen. Thank you!” “You are so welcome, Midge!” “Uh my name’s Madge.” “Yeah whatever. And remember, I’m only loaning you my hat!”
And there you have it Dear Readers, this blogs very first installment of What Were We Thinking Eighties.
Welcome Dear Readers! Well it’s Wednesday again. Unless I somehow went into a parallel universe just as I was making my bed this morning. In which case, I’d like to give a shout out to the “you” in the parallel universe and wish “you” a lovely HorsD’oeuvresday.
But whatever universe you’re in, it’s still time for Friday Fictioneers — which means it’s time to write a 100-word story about the picture below — furnished by our lovely Friday Fictioneer hostess Rochelle Wisoff-Fields at her blog, Addicted to Purple.
Copyright – Rochelle Wisoff-Fields
One Day Down at the Cannery
The day Irene got a microscope was the day Irene began to loath large and began, instead, to fall hopelessly in love with little.
Nothing escaped Irene’s microscope slide –wood shavings (she loved to whittle), vitamins (she was fit as a fiddle) and even Jello (she was hooked on its wiggle).
Irene often pretended her Cheerios were donuts, and that she was eating them with The Incredible Shrinking Man.
Then one day down at her job at the cannery, she saw him! Mr. Jolligreen Gyant! And just like that, Irene began to loath little and began, instead, to fall hopelessly in love with large.
Welcome Dear Readers! Well it’s Labor Day here in the United States of America! Which means a lot of people get the day off. Nobody knows why and nobody cares why.
Well, Dear Readers, I for one, feel that Labor Day is getting the shaft, and that’s why I have taken the liberty of writing an educational story about Labor Day to create awareness for Labor Day appreciation.
Mummy, Tell Me Again About Labor Day
“Mummy tell me again about Labor Day,” little Tommy Sweatington begged his mother one fine Labor Day morn. For as you know mummy,” little Tommy continued,” ’tis my favorite American Federal holiday of all!
Mummy Sweatington looked upfrom her task of scrubbing the floors of City Hall with a toothbrush and replied, “Tommy! How many times have I told you never to come to City Hall wearing your pajamas!”
Mummy’s harsh words made Tommy’s heart sink and push down on his kidneys in such a way as to make the tears in Tommy’s eyes shoot out at odd trajectories. But then he remembered it was Labor Day, his favorite American Federal holiday and his heart floated back up to it’s proper position and his tears reversed their trajectory and went back into his eyes.
Once his vision cleared, Tommy noticed something very strange. His mother was working! Mummy was working on Labor Day!
“Mummy!” screamed Tommy, don’t you know that in 1882 Matthew MacGuire proposed Labor Day after witnessing a labor festival held in Toronto Canada which eventually led to the observance of my most beloved American Federal Holiday — Labor Day? Mummy, I implore you to tell me why you are working on Labor Day?”
At this, Tommy became agitatedand then Tommy became appalled and finally Tommy became apoplectic — which didn’t last very long — because right after that Tommy went back to being appalled and then merely agitated and by the time his mother looked up to answer his question, Tommy was pretty much back to normal.
“But Tommy Dear,” Mummy Sweatington replied, “I’m not working. Scrubbing the floors of the City Hall is my hobby, silly!”
“But Mummy!”Tommy protested. “Why would you want to have a hobby that requires you to scrub the floors of City Hall with your toothbrush?”
” Tommy darling, you don’t understand. I’m not using my toothbrush to scrub the floors of City Hall, I’m using your toothbrush!”
Welcome Dear Readers to the Weekend Trifecta Challenge. Today’s challenge is to write a haiku. : an unrhymed verse form having three lines containing five, seven, and five syllables respectively.
Welcome Dear Readers! Well it seems the time has finally come to talk about baby eating, a topic that some of you may find a tad offensive. However, for those of you brave enough to continue reading past this point → •, let’s dig in and talk about baby eating, shall we?
Cue the first slide:
NO! WAIT! Don’t eat my baby! At least let me run home and get the ketchup first!
Is it just me, or does this woman look like she’s not really trying very hard to save her baby? I mean, she could just reach over and pry the baby out of the lions mouth. Maybe she could even get the lion to open his mouth on his own with a few “here kitty kitty’s.” But no. Instead she looks like she’s about to say, “Wait here while I run home and get the rest of my children. I’ll be back in two shakes of a lambs tail and I’ll even bring the lamb for dessert.”
Cue the next slide:
Excuse me honey, sorry to bother you while you’re . . . uh . . . whatever-ing, but can I have some money? The traveling baby-spice salesman is here.
Okay, here’s a mother who will clearly never make mother of the year. She seems far more concerned with the fact that the window washer is squeegeeing the underside of her husband’s calf than with the fact that one of her babies is playing with a fire-breathing dragon while another one is being eaten whole by a farmer on his lunch break.
And don’t you get the feeling that the man at the gate just sold her a case of Big Daddy Magellan’s Medieval Mesquite Baby Seasoning Salt?
And the next slide please:
These aren’t really babies he’s eating, but in keeping with our baby-eating theme, let’s just pretend they are, shall we?
Okay, here’s a baby eater that can’t even keep up! He’s got babies coming out of his ears! Clearly this baby eater has it all, wings, a full head (and body) of hair and a bellybutton that looks like Mickey Mouse. And even though he’s feasting on a baby, he still has rather kind eyes, don’t you think?
In fact, I have a feeling he’d make a better mother than the other mothers pictured above. Maybe that why people babies are lining up to be eaten by him — probably figuring that since they’re going to be eaten anyway — they might as well be eaten by a kind sort of monster — at least one who has a belly button shaped like Mickey Mouse.
“Hey! Getting my leg bitten off isn’t even making me cry. Well that’s refreshingly unexpected!”
Whoa! Here’s a baby eater that can clearly pack it away (and probably never gain a pound!). He’s got no qualms about chowing down on a baby two-thirds his size. I just hope his eyes don’t prove to be bigger than his stomach and I just hope his stomach is able to handle an entire baby-leg in one bite.
Nobody would eat a baby like this today. The potential for choking is far to great! We can only assume that this man is competing in some sort of Medieval baby-eating contest for which the prize is an all you can eat baby buffet. Let’s just hope he’s got a big supply of Big Daddy Magellan’s Medieval Mesquite Baby Seasoning Salt on hand cause he’s gonna need it!
And that concludes today’s baby-eating themed post. And if you enjoyed it enough, perhaps there will be more Baby-Eating Themed posts in this blog’s future.
Hello Dear Readers! Happy Wednesday! The only day of the week that has a hump — giving the rest of the days of the week something to grip onto thus keeping them from flying off into space.
Here’s the prompt picture which will serve as this week’s inspiration for a 100-word story provided by Dawn M. Miller.
Copyright Dawn Miller
Benny Flump’s French
Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois crossed the lobby of the Eiffel Tower, and all eyes drank of her beauty like they were drinking a tumbler of Chardonnay after eating a 16-inch baguette.
But no eyes drank more than Benny Flump’s. Benny’s eyes were bigger than his stomach when it came to beautiful French women. And Benny thought Mademoiselle Bouillabaisse-Bourgeois the most beautiful creature he had ever pronounced.
They would marry!
At the top of the Eiffel Tower she said “I do.” Benny replied “adieu” and then jumped.
Oh, Benny Flump’s French left a lot to be desired I should have probably said earlier.
Welcome Dear Readers! This weekend the Trifecta Writing Challenge editors have challenged us to write a children’s story in 33 words. This is perfect timing for me since all my grandkids are visiting this weekend!
Farmer Larry of Sideways Farm
Sideways Farm kept Farmer Larry busy. Every night, Farmer Larry’s animals would fall asleep and roll to the bottom of the hill and every morning Farmer Larry had to sort them out again.
Welcome to Friday, Dear Readers! And on Fridays this blog takes some time off from goofing off to pursue more leisurely pursuits like flipping through old magazines.
And to that end, here’s a magazine from 1953 I found stuck between two cookbooks at the Thrift store yesterday:
Isn’t it wonderful?
Come on, let’s look inside:
Is it just me or is this little guy wearing a saucer on his head?
The aliens have landed and you’ll never guess where!
This says: “Every Woman is Beautiful Thru Pregnancy”
Uh . . . not in this outfit she isn’t.
Gosh! When did my hair get so ugly.
The note at the top of this page says: Painted for the Green Giant Company by Norman Rockwell.
Just think! In 1953 you could still hire Norman Rockwell to illustrate your ad!
Uh . . . judging from the color of their complexions, I think it might be a good idea for them to lay off the Libby’s Tomato Juice for a while.
“Mommy, do you think we’ll ever eat anything but tomato juice again?” “Of course not, darling, why would we?” “Mommy, do you think we’ll ever stop dressing like twins?” “Of course not, darling, why would we?
Something in me longs for the days when gunning down Mother if she didn’t fix her children a snack of canned meat that had been “deviled” was considered wholesome fun!
Haha! Now be sure not to riddle me with bullets until after I’ve prepared your snack, you little rascals!”
While big brothers are chasing little sister (who has a a 35-year-old woman’s face) so that they can lasso her around her neck (good luck with finding her neck), the important thing here is that they won’t scuff the floors thanks to Simoniz self-polishing floor wax!
My mother had a stove just like the one in the background.
Well, Dear Readers, my scanning elbow is starting to act up again so we’ll quit for today, but I hope you enjoyed this little romp back to 1953!
Welcome Dear Readers! It’s time for recess! Friday Fictioneer Recess! This week’s photo prompt is brought to us by Claire Fuller’s camera. Novelist Claire Fuller.
Friday Fictioneers is a little writing event that happens every week starting on Wednesday, when Rochelle Wisoff- Fields at Addicted to Purple picks a picture, posts it, and we all write a 100-word story inspired by the picture. And then link up with other Friday Fictioneers over at Rochelle’s blog.
Copyright Claire Fuller
Howard’s New Job
Knock! Knock!
Yes?
One pepperoni pizza! That’ll be $148.53.
What? For pizza?
We charge extra to deliver here.
Why?
Delivery guys never come back.
I’ll get my money. Follow me to the dunge—uh, basement.
Okay.
Sit down in that chair.
In that electric chair?
Don’t worry. It’s not plugged in.
I’ll stand.
At least take a weight off and lean up against that rack.
Dear Readers! Here’s some shenanigans from around the world gleaned from various places around the Internet®algore. These true news items have been either slightly altered, drastically changed or completely and utterly falsified to make it more fun.
What? No, that’s a lion alright. Trust us.
The World’s Lamest Zoo
When the lion at the Henan Province Zoo in China was sent away to a breeding center, zoo keepers got a great idea!
They took a Tibetan Mastiff, owned by one of the workers, fluffed up his fur with massive amounts of hair gel — then blew it dry with China’s only un-exported, hand-held hairdryer.
All that was left to do was slap a sign on its cage that said “Africa Lion” and open the zoo up for business as usual.
As luck would have it, shortly thereafter, a conscientious mother of one visited the zoo with her son for the express purpose of teaching him what sounds animals make.
When the lion started barking, the mother was almost as outraged as the little boy was confused. When the mother complained, the zoo keepers said they had to pass the dog off as an African Lion for “safety concerns.”
Either way, they will all be executed at dawn.
Move over, Kermit!
Glow in the Dark Bunnies
Bored with pulling the wings off flies and tying tin cans to the tails of cats, a group of scientists led by Dr. Stefan ‘Lenny’ Moisyadi, a biogenesis researcher based in Turkey, decided to clone a colony of rabbits that glow bright green in the dark.
“And on top of it, their fur is beginning to grow and the greenness is shining right there in the fur, it’s so intense!” Moisyadi is actually quoted as saying.
By making rabbits that glow green in the dark, Dr. Moisyadi is attempting to advance medical research to develop treatments for life-threatening illnesses such as Shimmering Measles, Tuber-I-see-you-culosis and Kermit the Frog’s Disease.
Dr. Moisyadi stressed that the rabbits are not affected by the fluorescent protein and will have the same life span as other rabbits.
“Being fluorescent at night, during prime hunting hours, has nothing whatsoever to do with the length of their lifespan,” Dr. Moisyadi didn’t go on to say as he was too busy pinching puppies.
Raisin their voices for praisin’ the Lord!
Is that you God? It’s me, Fresno
People in the town of Fresno, California have started to gather around a Crepe Myrtle tree after sharp-eyed parishioner, Maria Ybarra, first reported drops of liquid falling from it and naturally assumed it to be God manifesting himself in Fresno. As news of this miracle spread, many people began gathering around the tree to pray.
Fresno arborist, Jon ‘Get Real’ Reelhorn, however, believes the explanation for the drops falling from the tree is tree lice excrement.
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have been called in to determine if God is manifesting himself in Fresno in the Crepe Myrtle tree in the form of tree lice excrement.
Oh Golly Jeepers! This dumb thing . . . what did I do wrong now?”
Texting and Driving While Asleep
Concerned friends of a New Zealand woman notified the authorities when the woman kept turning up at their houses, sound asleep, after having driven hundreds of miles to their homes — all the while sending them incoherent text messages along the way.
“While her being found safe and well is a relief for everyone involved, the potential for tragedy was huge.” Senior Sergeant Dave Litton said.
Police are looking into whether the woman was really asleep by trying to determine if the incoherent text messages were due to slumber — or if they were simply the result of her being an over-age-55 texter. They don’t expect the case to be solved any time soon.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, Shenanigans from Around the World!
Welcome Dear Readers! Say, have you ever speculated what people would have worn to the office if they would have had casual Friday back in the 1970’s?
I’m going out on a limb here, Dear Readers, and guess that the answer is no. Well, it’s high time we speculated then, don’t you think? Let’s get started.
She’s Got Slightly-Creepy 70’s Spunk!
70’s Spunk-i-fied!
She’s got style! She’s got vision! She’s got more 70’s spunk than a barrel of Mary Tyler Moores!
This casual-Friday, slightly-creepy 70’s outfit really puts the sass in sassafras and proclaims to the world, “I’m beautiful, I’m optimistic and I’m wearing a yellow hat!
Even Lou Grant could see that she has “taking a nothing day and suddenly making it all seem worthwhile” written all over her!
Tie Dye For!
They were carbon footprinting before anybody even had carbon feet!
Here’s a slightly-creepy seventies couple who obviously ride the bicycle they share to the beat of a different drummer!
You won’t find them jumping through their 1970’s boss’s demands! Their casual-Friday, slightly-creepy 70’s outfits say,” What? You got a problem with our 1970’s counter-culture casual attire? Screw you boss man! We’ll jump on the Schwinn that we share and ride, ride, ride! Away from the demands of “society” and its stupid “rules!” And, rest assured, Boss Man, the very second we learn to ride the bike that we share without trainings wheels? . . . Well it’s gonna be Sayonara Suckers!”
Most Popular 70’s Casual-Friday Attire for the CIA
Excuse me . . . I think you’re hood is ringing
Daring to wear an outfit like this in today’s office setting might cause a few double takes, but back the slightly-creepy 70’s, this outfit would have been considered just plain boring!
Nobody but nobody would have given the person wearing such an outfit a second glance.
The CIA knew that if one wanted to be inconspicuous against the back drop of the slightly-creepy 70’s office decor, this outfit fit the bill like none other! Which is why on any given day back in the slightly-creepy 70’s, anybody wearing an outfit like this was more than likely a CIA agent.
Driven to Slightly-Creepy 70’s Casual-Friday Distraction!
Tree leaningly beautiful!
Here’s a slightly-creepy 70’s, casual-Friday outfit that drove everyone in the 70’s office wild! So much so that she was asked to go outside and lean up against a slightly-creepy 70’s tree.
Today, you would find workers out there with her smoking cigarettes, but back in the slightly-creepy 70’s, everyone just smoked at their desks happily puffing and blowing smoke down the hall, around the corner and up the nostrils of their slightly-creepy 70’s boss.
The only people who were ever asked to “take it outside” were the slightly-creepy 70’s fashionistas who went for broke, fashion-wise on slightly-creepy 70’s casual Friday.
And, of course, we can’t help but love them all for it!
And there you have it, Dear Readers! I hoped this answered your questions about . . . uh . . . well whatever the question was, I hope this answered it!
