“As you know, children, we always observe National Rubber Spatula Day here at Connie’s Kindergarten Cuisine Academy and–” Miss Connie’s announcement was interrupted by a collective moan from the classroom.
“And,” Miss Connie continued unfazed, “I therefore will be reading to you from Scraping By — the autobiography of Ted Flerk who you will remember is credited with inventing the rubber spatula.
Miss Connie calmly opened to page one and began reading in a clear, strong voice as several students rushed for the door that Miss Connie had had the presence of mind to bolt.
“The story of how it came to pass that fateful day in Mother’s kitchenette, when I, Ted Flerk, invented mankind’s most important baking utensil, the rubber spatula, is, I suppose, a tedious tale, or, more precisely, a thorough recounting, if you will, of—“
Suddenly a loud boom erupted from the back of the classroom. Miss Connie looked over the top of her reading glasses. Charles was out of his seat.
“If you’re thinking you’re going to bust down that door, Charles, you’ve got another thing coming.” Miss Connie said mildly. ” Now, put down that battering ram and return to your seat immediately!” Miss Connie continued reading.
” . . . the events leading up to the day I thought of inventing the Rubber Spatula, including what happened while I was physically inventing the rubber spatula, itself, in addition to a detailed accounting of my life up to that point– “
Suddenly there was a mighty crash and a tinkling of glass. Miss Connie calmly put her finger on her place in the book and looked up. Several girls were helping each other climb through the jagged glass of the broken classroom window. A line of students was quickly forming behind them. Miss Connie chose to ignore the interruption and continued reading.
” . . . and exactly how I, Ted Flerk, was able to scrape every type of bowl known to man leaving no detail undocumented. . . “
At 3:00 sharp, Miss Connie bookmarked her place in the book, turned out the lights of her now empty classroom and went home.
Dear Readers! Good News! It’s Friday here at the blog. What does Friday mean to us?
For some of us, Friday means it’s the last day of the work week and that the next two days will be spent in pursuits of our own choosing!
On the other hand, for those of us who are off all week and who have to go to work on Saturday and Sunday then Friday means it’s actually Sunday and tomorrow isn’t really Saturday at all — it’s Monday, meaning of course, it won’t actually be Friday, in a case like that, until Sunday!
I know it sounds confusing, Dear Readers, perhaps this helpful chart will be helpful:
Now as you can see by this helpful chart, if it’s Sunday, and you have to go to work on Thursday, but you have four Wednesdays off in a row, it won’t actually be Friday until Tuesday afternoon. Or maybe it’s the other way around. I’m alway getting those two confused.
Maybe this graph will better illustrate my point:
There now! Isn’t that better? Oh, and if you look in the lower-right hand corner of the Chart That Better Illustrates My Point, you will see that Friday tolerances are not cumulative! Wait . . . that doesn’t take into account leap year. Oh I’m so embarrassed. Wrong chart!
Here’s the chart I should have shown you in the first place:
As you can see, if you are here, and it’s Friday but you have to work on the weekend, then today is really uh . . . wait . . . okay, now even I’m getting confused. Ha ha! Isn’t that the way it always is on Fridays/Sundays (or possibly Wednesdays)?
Screw it, Dear Readers! Let’s just cut to the chase and go directly to the chart that is Self-Explanatory:
The Chart That Is Self Explanatory
I think you’ll agree, Dear Readers, that the person who came up with this chart to explain the different days of the week as they pertain to Fridays is a self-explanatory genius! After all, it’s not every mind that can boil down a complicated “Friday” concept to simple spleens, elbows and inner thys.
But just in case, you are still a little confused about whether it’s Friday, Sunday or next Tuesday, I’m pulling out the stops and throwing in a picture just to be on the safe side. But not just any picture. I am throwing in a picture that tells a thousand words.
A Picture That Tells a Thousand Words
And there you have it, Dear Readers! There’s really nothing left to say about Friday, Monday or any other day of the week as far as I’m concerned.
Happy Easter Dear Readers! Gregory got this Twelve Disciples Coloring book in Sunday School and would like to share it with you! Gregory says have fun coloring and have a wonderful Easter!
The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!
One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships. Well this gave Jesus an idea!He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men! So He got busy recruiting twelve disciples.
So color along with us as we open the pages of the Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!
Simon was one of the first fishermen Jesus recruited. He belonged to a sect called the Zealot Club where they spent a lot of time poo-pooing taxation and throwing darts at pictures of Pontius Pilate.
Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus. He and Simon owned a fishing business, and Andrew did all the marketing.
Bartholomew was in Jesus’s top six. Jesus recognized Bartholomew as a man of imagination and vision. Plus he had epically big guns!
Then there was John. Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. He later went on to write a bestseller called “The Revelations”.
Then there was John’s brother, James. James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle. James was the first disciple to succumb to martyrdom which in those days was fatal.
Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James. Everybody called him James the Less because he was younger than the other James. He kept telling everyone to call him Jimmy but it just never stuck.
James the Less
Peter (or maybe Simon)
Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his immovable faith. And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all! Duh!
Peter “The Rock” Simon
Another disciple was Thomas, who was cursed with the nagging doubts that are produced when an individual has low self-esteem combined with being a stickler for details. After Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe it until Jesus showed him the nail prints and two pieces ID.
Then there was Jude. Not to be confused with Judas. Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. Jude was the introverted disciple who never raised his hand and who laughed at everybody’s jokes but never made any himself.
One of the disciples was Mathew, who was the richest of the disciples before he gave up everything to follow Jesus. He was a tax collector and was good with details. Mathew always had a pencil in his had and took it upon himself to write down everything Jesus said word for word. Everybody thought he was hard of hearing because he was always asking Jesus, “What was that again?”
And finally there was Judas. Judas was the disciple who said all the right things but who was slightly sketchy. But nobody suspected just how sketchy until after Jesus got arrested and suddenly Judas had 30 pieces of silver burning a hole in his robe pocket and he was buying everybody drinks and looking at expensive pyramids. Of course, in the end Judas repented so that he could still get to heaven.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! The Twelve Disciple Coloring Book! Gregory says have fun coloring and be sure to stay in the lines!
“Drax! Drax! Draxmidian! Stop fooling and come this instant.” Draxmidian’s mother called.
“Now calm down, dear.” Her husband said. “Drax is just playing a joke on us. He’ll be along shortly. Sit down and enjoy the afternoon breeze, my dear.”
“But the what about the natives, Arthur? You know they come out in the afternoons. You know that. What if he’s not playing a joke on us this time Arthur! What if . . . oh why did I ever agree to come to this horrible place!”
“Now now, Marna. Drink you tea. Drax is a smart boy. He knows never to go into the forest. You need to relax.”
“But he’s a boy Arthur. And sometimes boys do stupid things!”
“Marna you’re tea is getting cold. Now drink. He’ll be along, you’ll see.”
Marna scanned the horizon and sipped her tea. Then she thought she saw movement in the brush beyond the expanse of deep green lawn. Yes! It must be Drax! But her heart stopped when she saw it wasn’t her little boy.
“Oh my god, Arthur!”
“Let me handle this, dear.” Arthur stood and felt the weight of his gun in his jacket. “Greetings sir. What brings you?”
The creature was tall with pale blue skin and the bright yellow eyes of a cat. His hair hung long and loose to his waist. He held up an article of clothing. It was Drax’s jacket.
Marna screamed. Arthur fired his gun.
The creature fell to the ground and they watched it’s blood pour out, nearly the same shade as the lawn.
““Daddy! Mommy! What happened?” Drax asked as he climbed out from his hiding place underneath the porch.
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday School. Every week he comes home and tells about what he learned.
This week Gregory learned about King David. Let’s listen in as Gregory retells the lesson.
King David and the Ark of the Covenant Fudge
Once there was a king named David. David had excellent fine motor skills and began his meteoric rise to biblical stardom when he killed the giant, Goliath, with his slingshot. Biblical scholars all agree it would have been much cooler if David would have used a yo-yo but the only toy that had been invented up to that point was, unfortunately, the dreidel.
A couple days after David became king, he suddenly realized that, what with all the slaughterings, and what with all the crazy mix-ups with the Lord, they had completely forgotten about the Ark of the Covenant. D oy h!
When King David announced he was going to go pick up the Ark from the town of Kirjath-jearim, there was much rejoicing in the streets because not only was King David their sling-shot idol, but also he pronounced Kirjath-jearim in such a way that made it sound like “Hawaii”.
So the entire population of Israel followed King David to Mr. Abinadab’s house in Hawaii (who had been using the ark as a coffee table) just as Mr. Abinadab and his two sons, Uzzah and Ahio, had decided to sell it in their yard sale.
When they saw that the entire population of Israel had shown up for the sale, they were flabbergasted because they hadn’t even bother to put up signs.
Luckily, the Ark of the Covenant hadn’t sold yet as Mr. Abinadab had a 25-goat price-tag on it, which was about 20 goats more than anyone was willing to pay for what looked like the world’s gaudiest coffee table. But King David was nothing if not a good negotiator:
King David: So how much you want for the gaudy coffee table?
Mr. Abinadab: We’re asking 25 goats.
King David: 25 goats? That seems a little steep. Does it come with coasters?
Mr. Abinadab: You don’t need any. You can set anything on it and it doesn’t leave a mark. I once put a hot pan of fudge on it — and not only did it NOT leave a mark, the fudge was heavenly!
King David: Hm. . . well I do love fudge. Will you take five goats for it?
Mr. Abinadab: How about twelve goats and a chicken?
King David: I’ll give you seven goats and half a chicken . . .
Mr. Abinadab: It will have to be seven goats and a whole chicken since I don’t have change for half a chicken.
Everybody watched as the ark was painstakingly lifted and placed in the royal ox cart. It was pretty heavy owing to the fact that it not only contained the ten commandments on stone tablets but also Mr. Abinadab had forgotten to remove his bowling ball collection inside.
King David: Listen, Mr. Abinadab, since you’ve been such a good sport, I’ll give your sons, Ahio andAzzuh, the honor of driving the royal cart containing the Ark of the Covenant back to Jerusalem.
Mr. Abinadab: Uh . . . are you sure you want to do that? They just got their cart licenses and they’ve already racked up a couple of speeding tickets.
King David: Ha ha! Well that’s to be expected. Don’t tell me! 2 mph in a 1 mph zone?
Mr. Abinadab: No, 3 mph in a 1 mph zone!
King David: How is that possible?
Mr. Abinadab: Tailwind.
As the cart began to move, there was a loud burst of music as David and the Israelites (who later became the Tabernacle Choir), started singing, playing harps, timbrels, cymbals, trumpets and something called psalteries which biblical scholars believe was a type of musical pastry.
Everybody was just so darn happy until the wind picked up and Ahio took a corner a little too fast and nearly dumped the Ark. His brother, Azzuh, put his hand on the ark to keep it from falling and died instantly.
Naturally, this was a biblical buzz kill of epic proportions and King David realized that in order to carry the ark from Hawaii safely, they would have to stop every six steps and make a sacrifice to the lord which slowed down their progress considerably.
Some months later, when the Ark was finally back in Jerusalem, and King David had his feet up on his new coffee table Ark, he couldn’t help thinking about what a great guy Mr. Abinadab and his twoone son had been. Not only that, but his Ark of the Covenant Fudge was heavenly.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. Please come bynext week at this time to see what Gregory learns in Sunday school!