Welcome Dear Readers! Here is a 1984 crocheting booklet that I was lucky enough to score at the thrift shop yesterday! YES! (Okay, nobody else wanted them, but still!)
Let’s Look Inside Annie’s Pattern Club Newsletter!
Isn’t it inexplicably wonderful?
Annie’s Pattern Club was (or possibly still is) a newsletter where mega-talented crocheters crocheted something original and then sent the pattern to Annie, and she would publish the cream-of-the-crop designs her newsletter.
And as you will see, never have so many people come up with so many crocheted solutions for so many things that were never a problem in the first place. Let’s look at a few, shall we?
Crocheted Football Mitts
“Gosh! I don’t understand it. Billy went to play football with the guys and he didn’t take his Crocheted Football Mitts I made him.” “Well that’s weird, maybe he didn’t want the rest of the players to feel bad because they don’t have a pair of Crocheted Football Mitts.” “You know you’re probably right. I’ll get busy and crochet some mitts for the whole team!”
Church Puppet
Need: Attention Getting Device to Keep Children Focused on Bible Stories. Crocheted Solution: A church puppet, not to be confused the a church pulpit. (Although, a dust cozy for a church pulpit probably would have made it into Annie’s Newsletter too.) But what better way for little children to learn about the bible than through the crocheted lips of this memorable, but-not-in-a-good-way church puppet. Oh sure it might give the little tikes nightmares, but they’ll certainly never forget the experience (no matter how hard they try).
Lil Guy Tie
“Oh no Helen! I can’t find little Billy’s tie anywhere, and we’re going to be late for the formal occasion for which toddler formal attire is required. What ever shall I do?” “Don’t worry, Madge! While you were blabbing on and on just now, I knitted Little Billy a tie, a pair of football mitts and a church puppet.” “Oh Helen I’m blown away! Maybe you could crochet me something to wear to a formal occasion while you’re at it.”
What to wear to a formal occasion in the 80’s
“Here’s some formal attire I knitted for you while you were blowing your nose, Madge. I think it’s perfect for any formal gathering don’t you?” “DO I! I’ll be the talk of the town wearing this outfit, Helen. Thank you!” “You are so welcome, Midge!” “Uh my name’s Madge.” “Yeah whatever. And remember, I’m only loaning you my hat!”
And there you have it Dear Readers! Now get out there and crochet your hearts out!
Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.
Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.
Samson, The Headliner
One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out. The bible says they all sang this song:
“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.
After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:
King A to King B: This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?
King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”
King C: And?
King B to King C: Nothin’.
King D: I wonder what we could do to liven it up?
King E to King D: Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.
King A to no king in particular: Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.
King #228: You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?
King B: Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings. Where did you come from?
King #228: 1 Kings 19?
King C: Hahahahaha! I knew it! Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!
King B: I took them.
King C: Why?
King B to King C: Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.
Later:
King A to King B: I’m about ready to fall asleep. You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?
King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228): No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him stand between those two pillars over there.
King C to King B: You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?
King B: The latter . . No wait . . . the former?
While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.
The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.
And that concludes this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Please check back next week for more biblical adventures as told by Gregory.
Welcome Dear Readers! Today, let’s do something we haven’t done in a while. Let’s poke fun at albums covers! Let’s start with this one:
William Holden was a major movie star in the 50’s and 60’s and possibly even the 70’s. I’m not much of a researcher as I prefer to make up my own facts to save time, but anyway my point is — William Holden can’t paint!
Notice how that outfit Suzie is wearing isn’t anything like the one Bill is painting? (You don’t mind if I call him, Bill, do you?) Also, Bill doesn’t look very committed to the task. I have a feeling he’s holding a bottle of vodka in that hand we can’t see. Don’t you think so, Bill? (You don’t mind if I call you Bill do you?)
I don’t know how William Holden died, but a long time ago, I remember seeing a sign in someone’s bathroom that said “William Holden Slipped Here.” So I have a feeling his death was rather untoward.
Which is why we won’t go into it here, Bill, as this is a humor blog, and, as such, steers clear of unpleasant topics unless it’s laugh out loud funny like, say, the always popular topic of baby eating. But I digest . . .
Oh and you can’t see it, Bill, but on the very top of this album in the leftrightno left oh who cares corner, it says this album was recorded in “New Orthophonic” high fidelity. Which I guess means it’s for people who have to wear shoes on their ears for medical reasons. (Not really, I’m just making that up . . . at least I think I’m making it up . . .what do you think, Bill? )
Let’s move on to the super-cheery Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem, shall we, Bill?
Okay, Bill, which one do you think is Tommy Makem? They all look alike to me, Bill. Do you think that maybe Tommy Makem is a Clancy half-brother? Maybe he’s the brother nobody knew about until Tommy came a’knockin’ at the door one day with a big announcement? A big announcement that . . . well we won’t go into that unpleasantness here, Bill, as this is supposed to be a humor blog and as such steers clear of topics about things like, say, the illegitimate makin’ of Tommy Makems.
Apparently, if one can believe the album blurb, the Clancy Brothers are Irish. There’s no mention of what Tommy Makem is. Who cares? He’s really starting to get on The Clancy Brothers’ nerves anyway. In fact, I think even though this album is called The First Hurrah! I have a feeling it’s The Last Hurrah! for poor ol’ illegitimate half-brother, Tommy Makems, don’t you think Bill?
But, Bill, let’s not worry about such things now, Let’s move on instead to An Hour of Tchaikovsky!
Okay, don’t look now, Bill, but this Tchaikovsky Groupie seems to have her hand hopelessly stuck in her hairdo! Naturally, she’s confused because she only used seven cans of hairspray on her hair — when she usually applies 43! ( Apparently Tschaikovsky’s been getting into the hairspray cabinet again, what are we going to do with him, Bill?)
But not to worry, she is still managing to keep her composure. How? Well, thanks to the magic of eight gallons of foundation and 3 pounds of eye shadow, three-quarters of a pound of lipstick and half a pound of potato salad. No wait . . . that was her lunch.
Okay, well as you can see, Bill, I’m starting to get confused. So I guess it’s just as well that we are completely out of Album Cover, fun-poking time! Gosh where does the time go? Where, Bill? Where?
Hello Dear Readers and welcome to today’s blog where we will be talking about recipes for people who are all dead now.
Back in 1969, there were a lot of people in the world who liked eating Tomato Aspic, Jellied Gazpacho and Waldorf Salad. Unfortunately all those people are dead now — taking with them to the grave every conceivable need for Knox Gelatin. But don’t worry, through the pages of this bizarre cookbook entitled Knox On-Camera Recipes, we will examine in great detail some Knox Gelatin Recipes that made this country what it used to be. Recipes that salute a quieter, gentler, jigglier time in our nation’s history.
Knox Gelatin On-Camera Recipes from 1969:
The Knox On-Camera Recipes cookbook begins by educating us in the five types of gelatin which are as follows:
The Simple Gel
This delightful red brick is an example of a simple gel. Mix Knox Gelatin with your favorite liquid and lay it atop (gently now!) a type of lettuce that is probably extinct now. Slice a cucumber for charm and casually toss some olives (blindfolded) for that devil-may-care appeal. The only thing left to do now is wander the streets looking for a person in the 110 year-old age group to eat it.
Gelatin Whip
This is an example of a gelatin whip. Which means after you make a brick of gelatin (see above) it is whipped (by whom and with what is omitted information — a 110-year-old with a cane, perhaps?) until light and fluffy causing it to become far more appealing than an aspic; but far less appealing than anything people who are all dead now could get at the ice cream parlor.
Unflavored Gelatin Snow
Here’s an example of unflavored gelatin snow. It doesn’t look very much like snow or at least not very much like snow you would want to put in your mouth. But nevertheless, gelatin snow it is!! This mixture is also whipped until light and fluffy and/or to teach it a good lesson whichever came first.
Lemon Chiffon Pie
In an effort to include something actually edible into the five types of gelatin, Knox came up with Lemon Chiffon Pie. First it’s chilled then whipped then partially chilled yadda yadda yadda, who cares anymore.
Mousse
Well this is a good one to end up with Mousse. (I know your name’s not Mousse, I just forgot the comma). Mousse happens when a solid ingredient is added into a not-so-solid ingredient either on purpose or by mistake. This was a favorite of people who are all dead now because there’s no whipping involved which means Gramps didn’t have to get out his cane, yet again!
And there you have it, Dear Readers, our first foray into learning about recipes for people who are all dead now.
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.
Gregory goes to Sunday School Every week, but Gregory never listens and comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?
The Lord’s Big Book of Sacrificing
One day, while Moses was walking by the tent belonging to the Lord, he heard God calling out to him.
“Is that you, Moses?”
“Yeah, how’d you know?”
“You’re the only one who has the nerve to walk by My tent.”
“Why is that?”
“I don’t know, but guess what? I, the Lord, just wrote another book!”
“No kidding? That’s quite an accomplishment! I’m super impressed! What’s it about?”
“I, the Lord, have taken the time to compile all the rules for getting on my good side by bringing me offerings and sacrificing animals and whatnot.”
“Cool! Is it a cookbook then?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, let’s say a Hebrew wanted to find it in the Alexandria library, for example, would he look in the cookbook section or in the sacrificing section?”
“But I thought somebody burned down the Alexandria library.”
“Yes, but I was just using the Alexandria library as an example. What I was really getting at is what genre would your book fall into?”
“Genre? Don’t you mean genie?”
“No, I mean, if you ever wanted to get your Big Book of Sacrifices published like on a scroll or on a stone tablet, your publisher is going to want to know what genre or “subject matter” your book is about. It helps them decide if they if they want to publish it — especially since you are a new author.”
“New author! Are you forgetting that I, the Lord, have already written a bestseller called the Ten Commandments?”
“Yes, Lord, but you self-published that one, and, frankly, I think the only reason it was so well received is because it had a number in the title. People love reading things with numbers in the title. You know, like, 7 Ways to Avoid the Mistakes of Adamand Eve or 11 Things You Can Build out of Leftover Unleavened Bread — that sort of thing, it makes information easier to skim.”
“What are you trying to say, Moses? That people have only skimmed The Ten Commandments?”
“Oh gosh no! The Ten Commandments? Heavens no! I couldn’t put it down, myself; it was a real stone-tablet turner!”
“Well, thank you.”
“So what else is in this new book, Lord?”
“Well, it has a section on exactly how my worshipers can lift my spirits by bringing me offerings of money and jewels, sweet-smelling incense and fine linens.”
“Excellent! People love nonfiction how-to’s!”
“There’s also a section on how I like my sacrifices prepared, I’ve even included important details about breaking a donkey’s neck, how to avoid cooking a young sheep or goat in its mother’s milk and how I don’t like My bread sacrificed with My meat.”
“Wonderful! Are you planning to include pictures and diagrams?”
“No.”
“Uh . . .”
“What is it, Moses?”
“Well, Lord, people are more apt to be engaged in your message if You were to include some images.”
“You mean images of Me? But I don’t allow people to look at My face, you of all people should know that Moses!”
“You cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live.” “Not even with sunglasses?”
“Well, then, how about including some drawings — like a picture of a golden calf with a big red x on it, or you could include a diagram describing the best way to go about skinning a ram.”
“I see what you’re getting at here. Moses. That’s a great idea! Listen, what are you doing right now?”
“Just the usual, wandering around the desert with my sheep, why?”
“Why don’t you come in and help me work on my book. You weren’t planning to do anything for the next forty days and nights anyway were you?”
“I guess not –not now anyway.”
How’s this, Moses?” “I don’t know, Lord, I think it could use more white space.”
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory. Please check back next week at this time to see what Gregory learned in Sunday school.
Oh Dear Readers! Look what crossed my path yesterday at the used bookstore!
A Sports Illustrated Magazine from 1963! Isn’t it wonderful? Let’s flip through it together, shall we?
Here’s 1963, Master’s Champion Jack Nicklaus singing the praises of the MacGregor Woods with their exclusive penetrating impregnation method! Wow! Now that’s impressive!
Golf in 1963 was sure a lot more interesting than it is now.
The ad goes on to explain that the exclusive penetrating impregnation method was the most talked about club feature in golf! (Well, I should say so!) “Because it let’s you use a wood with confidence in bad lies.” Gosh I wonder if Tiger knows about this?
Hey! Who doesn’t want to live in a world where shirts were only $5.00 raise your hand!
Shh . . . don’t tell Mr.Sophisticated City Dweller who is wearing his Dacron Docoma Breeze shirt that the poor country bumpkins who just got off the b.u.s. are laughing at him not with him.
Stuffed shirts didn’t come any less wrinkle-free than in 1963 thanks to Docoma Breeze shirts boasting Grip-Tab, Dress ‘n Play, Blake collars — which only cool city dwellers could afford at $5 a pop. And if that didn’t make a man want to drive around Manhattan, mannequin-like, in a car three-sizes too small –1963 doesn’t know what did!
Don’t Worry Honey! Kent’s Micronite Filter makes cigarettes good for you!
This Kent ad is the very first and the very last ad to utilize the phrase “refines away”.
Apparently back in 1963, the key to smoking fun was getting the cigarette to have the mildest taste of all! Kent was hoping that smokers wouldn’t put 2 and 2 together and realize that the mildest taste of all would be not smoking any cigarettes at all.
Question! What’s more fun than shooting guns with daddy? Shooting guns with daddy in the house! What else?
Run for cover,Sis! Look out Spot! Whoops sorry, Dear!
What better way for fathers to bond with their sons and to teach their sons to grow up to be men than by shooting bb guns with them in the house? Oh sure, a few of mother’s prized figureens may have to be sacrificed, and little Suzie’s buttox will probably never be the same — but it’s a small price to pay for teaching little boys what it really means to be a man — 1963 style!
Now then wasn’t that fun? I hope you liked our little foray into the world of 1963, Dear Readers!
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory. Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?
Satan Tests Job
Job was a biblical character who lived in the holy land of Uz believed by scholars to have been located somewhere over the rainbow — providing there had ever been enough moisture in the holy land to produce a rainbow.
Job was always extremely careful when it came to not sinning against the Lord.
Cut to the Lord’s Heavenly Conference Room where The Lord was having a meeting with various heavenly beings one of which was Satan himself:
The Lord: Did everybody get their handouts on Sacrificing Do’s and Don’t’s and does anybody have any questions? Yes, the heavenly being with the horns and the name tag that says Santa. What’s you question, Santa?
Satan: Yeah, my name’s not Santa, by the way, it’s Satan, that’s a typo I caused to happen. Bwahaha!
The Lord: I don’t get it, what do you mean by typo?
Satan: It’s a . . . oh never mind.
The Lord: So what have you been up to, Satan?
Satan: Oh you know, walking here and there, roaming around the earth and holding Idle Hands Workshops for the aristocrats, the usual.
The Lord: Well that’s just super! Say, did you happen to notice my servant, Job, he’s like the best worshiper I’ve ever had! He never does anything evil!
Satan:Yeah, that’s because he’s got 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 1,000 head of cattle, 500 donkeys and lord only knows how many cats.
The Lord: That’s not true. I have no idea how many cats he has.
Satan: Bwahaha! There you go again with your sense of humor!
The Lord: My sense of what?
Satan: Never mind. Say, I’m just wondering . . . what about testing Job to see if he would still be such a Goodie-Two-Shoes if his life suddenly became a living hell. I could help you out with that.
The Lord: Well . . . . .
Satan:Ah come on!
The Lord: Well I guess, but only if you promise not to hurt Job. You know how hard it is nowadays to find a good Job.
Satan: Bwahaha! You crack me up!
The Lord: Am I to understand that is your awkwardly worded request stating your desire to be cracked up?
Satan: Say will you look at that! It’s half-past eternity already. Where does the time go? I gotta skedaddle. See ya around, Lord.
Sometime shortly thereafter the following events took place:
Job’s children were having a feast at the home of his oldest son when a servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing:
Servant: We were plowing the fields and got attacked! All your donkeys were stolen and all your servants were killed!
Job: But they didn’t kill you?
Servant: Yeah . . . (still huffing and puffing) . . . except for me.
Job: Oh great you’re the only slave I have left? And you’re not even in that good of shape.
Then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.
Servant: Lightening just struck all the sheep and shepherds and everyone was killed but me.
Job: Hmm . . . I’m starting to sense a pattern here.
Just then another servant came running up to Job, huffing and puffing.
Servant: Your children were having a feast at the home of your oldest son when a storm swept in and blew the house down and killed them all.
Job: Except for you . .
Servant: Yeah, how’d you know?
Job: Lucky guess.
After that Job tore his clothes in grief and shaved his head which was the standard biblical procedure when someone a) broke a new pottery water-carrying vessel b) misplaced their dreidel or c) had all their children and animals slaughtered by Satan.
This is about the time the Lord turned on his Heavenly Conference Room hidden earth video camera and observed Job when he said, “I was born with nothing and I will die with nothing. The Lord gave, and now he has taken away. May His name be praised!
In spite of everything that had happened, Job did not sin by blaming The Lord.
It’s a good thing too since Job had nothing left to kill.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week, come back next week at this same to so see what new bible lesson Gregory learned about!
Welcome Dear Reader! Well, guess what? The Patronizing Noodle Lady has decided to pay a visit to the blog.
The Patronizing Noodle Lady first showed up in this picture in one of my old cookbooks.
“No! You’re not listening. These here . . . the ones I’m touching, these long skinny things are called noodles. And the noodles go here, where my index finger is tapping. My index finger is the finger you would use if you wanted to point at something.”
Since then she seems to have wiggled her way out of the photo to become:
The Patronizing Noodle Lady
Today the Patronizing Noodle Lady will set us straight about How to Use Spices by reviewing with us this booklet from the 1958 American Spice Association, a pamphlet written by none other than the The Patronizing Noodle Lady!
Deemed the most wonderfully condescending “How-to” Pamphlet of 1958 by the National Association of Professional Patronizers!
What’s that Patronizing Noodle Lady? You want us to open to the first page by opening the cover and then flipping to the page #1. Uh. Okay we’ll try!
Patronizing Noodle Lady please rest assured that even though our interest in spices developed somewhere . . . somehow . . . we had absolutely no idea what was going on and just totally lucked into whatever interest we’ve shown. We were more than likely hallucinating when we saw ourselves as truly glamorous cooks!
Believe us when we tell you, Noodle Lady, that there is absolutely no “mysterious” and difficult feeling we’ve ever had (with the possible exception of getting sucked into a jet engine or falling into a pit of snakes) that is worse than not handling each spice correctly!
Patronizing Noodle Lady you must believe us when we say that we have been trying our whole lives not to confuse the word “spice” with the word “hot’ but it’s just so difficult. We’re always getting them mixed up which is probably why Aunt Martha died from that stomach ache we tried to help her with last week when we suggest she add four pounds of cayenne pepper to her oatmeal. Darn! That’s what we get for guessing!
Patronizing Noodle Lady! Please! Tamper with the basic ingredients! We would never dream of such a thing even if it is according to the dictates of our own imaginations. (As you have so generously allowed us! Thank you btw!) In fact, we will be happy to swear on a stack of cookbooks that we will never — under any circumstances — tamper with basic ingredients or we will swallow an entire tin of cinnamon with an Oregano chaser so help us Julia Child!
Relax? How can we relax with all this pressure we’re under. You wouldn’t happen to have any spices that would help us relax would you Patronizing Noodle Lady? Oh and just one quick question: Do we have to have a college degree to become an expert in the use of spices?
Alright!!! If we start right now using spices with only our high school diplomas, how long will it be before spices will not have any secrets from us? . . . Hello? Patronizing Noodle Lady? Did you hear us? Patronizing Noodle Lady?
Well, Dear Readers, it looks like the Patronizing Noodle Lady has quit answering us because she no doubt has more important people to see and better blogs to visit. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll come back soon as there are plenty of things we still need to be set straight on.
“Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday School this week shall we?
Twist and Shavout
After the ascension of Jesus everybody was waiting for the Holy Spirit to come upon them which Jesus said was going to happen just before he ascended to heaven on a cloud.
The apostles had tried to pin Jesus down to a time line so they’d know when to clear their calendars, but Jesus was never very forthcoming when it came to exact dates.
Shavout it from the Mountain Tops
Then one day, all the apostles and various believers from all over the biblical world were gathered together for the Jewish festival of Shavout, to commemorate when God gave Moses the Ten commandments which was celebrated by a lot of yelling and shavouting.
Of course, because everyone was from different ends of the earth (the earth had way more ends in those days than it has now) they were all shavouting in different languages. It really wasn’t a very fun festival. (They later changed the name of Shavout to “the day of the Pentecost” which means Mardi Gras in Greek but it didn’t help much.)
A Mighty Wind
But then one Shavout, the Holy Spirit came to visit. Everyone was sitting around resting their vocal chords when suddenly there was a noise from the sky that sounded like a strong wind blowing, and it filled the whole house.
But instead of a strong wind, it turned out to be the tongues of fire of the Holy Spirit, which proceeded to touch every person there so that they were filled with the Holy Spirit which enabled them to suddenly speak in another language so that the people from the country of the other language they were speaking could understand every word they said — even though the person listening from the other country knew darn good and well that the person suddenly speaking their language didn’t even know how to ask, “where the restroom?” five minutes earlier!
It was truly a miracle.
But then others started making fun of the believers saying they were drunk.
Finally Peter couldn’t take it any more, he stood up and took the microphone (hand cranked).
“Fellow Jews and all of you who live in Jerusalem, listen to me and let me tell you what this means. These people are not drunk as you suppose. It’s only 9:00 in the morning.”
Random Nazarene Guy has a Question
Then a man from Nazareth raised his hand.
Peter: Yes, you, random Nazarene guy, you had a question?
Random Nazarene guy: Yes, I was just wondering if you knew what time the people would be drunk, approximately.
Then Peter tried to get everybody’s mind off drinking by reminding them what the prophet Joel said concerning “the last days” — being sure to include some good news — that everyone will be filled with the holy spirit — and glossing over the bad news about the sun being darkened and the moon turning red as blood and whatnot.
Peter Keeps Talking
Then Peter ended his talk on a good note by telling them that when the last days came all anyone had to do was call out to the Lord, and they would be saved.
Upon hearing this, everyone felt a lot better until Peter had to go and add a long-winded explanation about how King David had said that the Lord would pile up all his enemies and use them as a footstool and everybody got bummed out again. (Peter never knew when to quit talking.)
Finally, Peter wrapped his speech up by saying, “Save yourselves from the punishment coming on this wicked people!” Which wasn’t really grammatically correct but Peter had been talking nonstop for so long he just didn’t care anymore and handed his microphone back to the random Nazarene guy.
But then, when Peter saw 3,000 lining up to get baptized, Peter took the microphone again and everyone got glum again. That is until Peter launched into the very best rendition of Twist and Shavout this side of the River Jordan!
And they worked it on out.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Please stop by next week to see what Gregory learns in Sunday School.
Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what Noah and everyone was up to once they were on dry land again, and the only people left on earth.
Noah Sleeps It Off
In last week’s lesson, God turned on the heavenly hose full blast until everything that breathed couldn’t breath anymore, and all the bad people on earth became dead, except for God’s favorite man, Noah, who built an ark etc. etc. (See Old MacDonald’s Farm for more information).
When God finally pulled the plug on the deluge, Noah was 601 years old even though Noah didn’t look a day over 500 and could still touch his toes!
While Noah’s wife and Noah’s three sons Ham, Shem and Japheth and their kids enjoyed sifting through the flood debris for cool stuff, Noah spent most of the time moping in his tent and picking the mud off his robe.
Occasionally Noah would schlep through the flood debris to the barbecue/altar to fix the Lord and (and himself) a Shem burger invented by his son Shem (his son Ham was too lazy to invent anything).
“Lord! I give you the Shem Burger!”
But mostly Noah sat around just whining and complaining to his wife, Betty, about how much he missed mankind. The conversation might have gone something like this:
Betty: Noah, you really need to stop laying around all day kvetching.
Noah: There’s nothing else to do. I hate this place, it’s so boring!
Betty: How can you say that when there’s so much debris out there just waiting to be sifted through. Look what I found just today?
Noah: What is it?
Betty: An apple with one bite out of it!
Noah: Weird.
Betty: Listen, Noah why don’t you start on a project. Do something constructive. You’re a farmer. Maybe you could plant something.
Noah: Hey that’s a swell idea, Betty. I’ll plant a vineyard!
Betty: A vineyard? But we don’t drink. I don’t think the Lord would approve of that, Noah.
Noah: Oh no! Not for wine . . .
Betty: For what then?
Noah: Oh you know, for raisin bran, raisin cookies, Waldorf salads . . .
Betty: I don’t like raisins in salad.
Noah: Okay, whatever, you can pick the raisins out. The point is, Betty, what this place could use is a vineyard! Besides wine seeds are the only seeds I brought with.
Betty: You mean grape seeds?
Noah: Yeah, what’d I say?
Betty: You said wine seeds.
Noah: Whoops. Slip of the tongue.
Betty: Are you sure?
Noah: Betty, I’m 601 years old for god sakes, cut me some slack!
Three years later:
Betty: Noah? What are you drinking?
Noah: Just some . . .hic . . . grape juice.
Three Years and two hours later:
Shem: Hey has anybody seen, Dad?
Ham: He got wasted and passed out in his tent buck naked!
Shem: Oh my Lord!
Japheth; Oh my God!
Ham: Oh you guys, stop being such prigs!
Japheth : We care about, Dad, okay? We’re not pigs, Okay?
Shem: Yeah!
Ham: I didn’t say you were pigs, I said you were prigs.
Shem: Same thing.
Ham: Listen Shem, I think I know what a pig is, I was named after one. Hello?!
Jepeath: Come on Shem. Let’s go get a blanket to put over Dad’s buck nakedness.
Shem: What’s a blanket?
Japheth: It’s a robe without sleeves. You really need to keep up with technology better, Shem.
Three Years and Six Hours Later:
Japheth: Dad’s awake and he wants to see you, Ham.
Ham: Yeah Dad?
Noah: I’m putting a curse on your son, Canaan!
Ham: Why?
Noah: He will be a slave to his brothers. Give praise to the Lord the God of Shem! May God cause Japheth to increase!!
Ham: Well Japheth has been putting on weight but I just thought it was the Shem burgers.
Noah: CANAAN WILL BE THE SLAVE OF SHEM!
Ham: Okay Dad! I’m standing right here. There’s no need to shout. Please use your indoor voice. How about a nice cup of black coffee and a cold shower?
Noah: AND HIS DESCENDANTS LIVE WITH THE PEOPLE OF SHEM! DO YOU HEAR KNOCKING? WHO SET MY CHEESE AFIRE?
Ham: Okay Dad, now I know you’re still drunk. Afire is not even a word, is it?
Noah: A CURSE ON CANAAN!
Ham: But Dad, my son Canaan is just a little innocent boy who loves his grandpa.
Noah: OKAY! MAKE THAT A CURSE ON CANADA!
Ham: Consider it cursed! Go back to sleep, Dad.
Noah: Okay, but wake me up when it’s time for soccer practice.
And there you have it, Dear Readers. How Gregory imagines it was like after for Noah after the flood. Check back next week at this same time to find out what happens next.
Until next time . . . I love you
Noah thinks about cheese . . or Canada . . . or Canadian cheese . . .
Welcome Dear Readers! Let’s see what we can learn about the Slightly-Creepy Seventies through the pages of this 1972 Slightly-Creepy Seventies Jello recipe book:
Here it is! 99 cents worth of Slightly-Creepy Seventies Jello recipes!
Yes there’s always room for Jello, but only if it matches something:
“No, it won’t taste very good , Little Joshie, because it’s Jello. But I will get it to match the wallpaper. I must!”
Here’s a slightly creepy-seventies woman who was clearly the Martha Stewart Forerunner of the Slightly-Creepy Seventies. Notice how the Jello she is preparing with her little pretend son, exactly matches the wallpaper in the background.
The real Martha Stewart was probably hiding in the closet with her Jello butcher knife (from a Jello mold she made herself) and, right after this picture was taken, bound and gagged the Slightly-Creepy-Seventies Martha Stewart Forerunner and locked her in the closet.
I bet if we were to look in that closet today, we’d find Slightly-Creepy- Seventies Martha Stewart Forerunner still in the closet, mummified sure, but still there nevertheless.
Ding Dong! It’s Slightly-Creepy Seventies Party Time!
“We were asked to bring dessert so naturally, since this is the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, we brought Jello!”
I’m sure it will come as no surprise to you, Dear Readers, that in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, this is the kind of people who showed up on your doorstep to party.
And, it will also come as no surprise to you that if you asked someone to bring “The Dessert” in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies, it meant that instead of bringing a decadent, seven-layer Bavarian Chocolate Cake, they would bring, instead, a big ol’ bowl of Jello!
You’ve got to give this lady kudos, however, for rummaging around long enough to find something she could add to her Jello dessert to ensure that it would match her outfit.
So what if she had to add a little of her husband’s black shoe polish? Who cares? Nobody’s going to eat any of it anyway because even if it is the Slightly Creepy Seventies, it’s still Jello.
It’s quarter to 3 and no one’s in the place except you and me and Jello. Oh and her — whoever she is.
The same Sightly-Creepy Seventies party later that night.
As you can see, even though the lady who brought the Jello has ditched her husband to flirt with a ski instructor (who just happened to bring his skis to the party), the hostess has turned down the lighting so no one will notice that her dress only matches one plate and zero Jello desserts.
Don’t worry, even though she’s probably planning to chug that bottle of wine she’s holding, she’s only a tad bit suicidal. But then again who wasn’t in the Slightly-Creepy Seventies?
Slightly Creepy Seventies Hip Intellectuals gathered to eat Jello!
Here’s a group of Slightly-Creepy-Seventies intellectuals discussing Slightly-Creepy-Seventies issues such as atomized individualism, the Viet Nam war, and the efficacy of determining one’s emotional age by counting the rings on their platform shoes.
As you can see, this party is a big hit because the hostess has wisely chosen an outfit that not only mimics the art of the successful Jello “layering” but also picks up all the colors in the Jello Buffet.
The woman sitting next to the open window, however, rather than being pleased with herself, is contemplating plunging to her death because no one is eating the Jello dessert she made.
The very same Jello dessert she thought was so socially relevant when she took it out of the refrigerator — but now sees clearly that no one understood her nod to existentialism through disorientation and confusion in the face of the meaningless jiggling and wiggling.
Oh, and pay no attention to the lady sitting on the couch crocheting. She’s an escapee from this 1984 crocheting post. She’s obviously running from post to post trying to escape the madness of the past. And who can blame her really?
And there you have it, Dear Reader! I hope you were able to learn something about Jello’s influence on the decade of the Slightly Creepy Seventies and if you didn’t, all I can say is neither did I.
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like stepping out on dry land after being stuck on the ark for so long.
When The Ark Disembarked
When Noah and his wife and his three sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth and their wives and two of every animal on earth had been stuck on the ark together so long no amount of Febreeze could have helped, Ham looked out the window and saw that all the water was gone, and the ark was high-centered on Mount Ararat.
“Oy!”
The date was January 1, قبل يسوع– wouldn’t you know! The one day everybody was hung over.
Noah looked outside and saw that even though the sun was so bright it was giving him an even worse headache, the land was still pretty muddy so he made everybody stay inside the ark until the mud was complete gone on February 27, قبل يسوع because no one had remembered to bring their galoshes.
When Noah was 601 years old. God told Noah to go ahead and let everybody out of the ark so that they could get started on reproducing and populating the earth again.
Noah decided to keep it to himself that the male and female rats already had 473 kids. Why let the cat (both male and female) out of the bag? Noah figured it would just put God in another one of His Destroy-Every-Living-Thing funks.
So to keep God in a good mood, the first thing Noah did when he got outside was build an altar to the Lord using an old boot, some broken pottery and other debris he found on the ground from the Destroying-Every- Living-Thing rubble that was strewn up one side of Mt. Ararat and down the other.
Noah gathered one of each kind of ritually-cleaned animal and bird and burned them whole as a sacrifice to the altar. Then he took out a bottle of Noah’s Judgment Day Barbecue Sauce, he managed to smuggle in his robe — and poured it over the top.
The odor of the sacrifice made the Lord’s almighty mouth water! Then the Lord said to himself (apparently out loud while only the bible was listening):
“Never again will I put the earth under a curse because of what man does; I know that from the time he is young his thoughts are evil. Never again will I destroy all living beings as I have done this time . . . as long as the world exists there will be a time for . . . etc . . . etc . . . ” (right about here is where the bible quit listening).
Then God gave Noah a Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down list for mankind’s behavior since nobody remembered to pack the Ten Commandments.
God’s Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down List for Post-Flood Mankind’s Behavior
Thumbs up to having all the children you can possibly stand!🙂
Thumbs up to man being the boss of animals!🙂
Thumbs up to All You Can Eat Meat and Green Plant buffets. 🙂
Thumbs down to eating meat that still has blood in it. 🙁
Thumbs down to killing anybody or everybody like God just did. 🙁
Then God promised not to destroy the earth with a flood ever ever again. He didn’t come right out and say He was sorry, but everyone suspected it.
God went on to promise that every time a rainbow appeared in the sky, it would mean that God was keeping his promise to never wipe out mankind ever again with a flood so help Him Him.
The bible tells us that Noah, Shem, Ham and Japheth were the ancestors of all the people on earth. Of course, the bible probably would have listed their wives as ancestors too — but they were girls.
After that, everything was going swell in a hand basket for our little group of mankind, that is until Noah had to go and get the bright idea to plant a vineyard . . . and you don’t even want to know what happened next — but Gregory is going to tell you anyway — so check back next week, Dear Readers!
Today we are going to put away our mirth, store our humor in the overhead storage compartment and put a lid on our collective jar of Hardy Har Hars — so that we may take a serious look at a trend from 1959 that is so disturbing, so bizarre, so downright twisted that, frankly, we really don’t even want you to read the rest of the post . . . okay fine go ahead and read it . . . but you’ve been warned!
The Edible Horror of 1959
As you can see, this 1959 cook book is trying to pass itself off as an innocent Metropolitan Cook Book featuring foods that are not only delicious and nutritious, but also, foods that appear to have a wonderful outlook on life, a cheerful disposition and an enviable outgoing vivaciousness that would light up a room!
Looks innocent? Look again!
But even though things seem innocuous enough on the surface what these pictures are actually depicting is the sick, brain-washed, utopian edible world of 1959 wherein innocent foods have been programmed into wanting to be eaten.
As evidence, let us take a look at this unsettling illustration:
Here we have meat that has been obviously drugged so that it can be paraded before the eyes of carnivores — by its very own offspring as they wave parsley in an attempt to draw attention to their very own parent’s deliciousness! What in heaven’s name was going on in 1959?
And in another equally unsettling illustration we see this:
Here carrots, radishes and onions are happily waiting in line to be dipped into a boiling caldron of soup! Notice the mindless smiles and the blank affectations in the eyes of indoctrinated vegetables as they so willingly and cheerfully give their lives to this 1959 Orwellian soup du jour! Oh the vegumanity!
And it just keeps getting worse:
Here we have an apple throwing a pie in its OWN face in some sort of sick prelude to the eating of said pie. Thank the good lord, cruel practices such as this do not go on in the present day.
And finally we must insist that all children be out of the room before scrolling down to this final example of 1959 edible horror:
Family cannibalism!
Here we see a strawberry about to take a big bite of sorbet made out of Sister Stawberry! We witness Pear munching delightedly on Brother Pear Pudding and Apple enjoying applesauce made entirely of Mother and Father Apple!
These are images that will forever sully the once pristine synapses of our heretofore innocent brains. I’m sorry Dear Readers to have to do this to you! But you were warned!
Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.
Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like living on the Ark while waiting for the flood to subside.
Life on the Ark
Noah: Honey! Come on! You’re not still packing are you? We’ve got to get going! The floodgates of the sky are opening!
Noah’s Wife, Betty: I can’t get my bath robe to fit into this stupid suitcase!
Noah: Here let me do it.
Betty: Oh no you don’t! You’ll wrinkle everything!
Noah: Honey! I just packed two of every kind of animal into one measly ark. I think I can pack a suitcase.
Betty: Do you think we’ll have room for the trampoline? I’d like to stay in shape, God only knows how long we’ll be stuck on the ark.
Noah: Sure you can bring the tambourine. You know how much I love to sing.
Betty: Not the tambourine, Noah, the trampoline.
Noah: We have a trampoline?
Betty: What’s the matter Noah? You look upset.
Noah: It’s God. I just got all the animals packed in the Ark so they fit nicely and now God has added seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird to the list.
Betty: You mean he didn’t mention it before now?
Noah: Nope.
Betty: Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have.
Noah: Either way, I’m afraid there won’t be room for any trampolines this trip, honey.
After Noah had finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark, the Lord shooed all the animals away from the door and slammed it shut. (Part of a zebra’s tail was still sticking out but the Lord just ignored it since there was no way he was ever going to get that door shut again.) Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went!
Day 10 on the ark:
Ham: Dad can’t we open a window or something? The smell in here is gross!
Noah: What’s that? I thought I saw your lips moving, son, but I can’t hear you over all the squawking, and the mooing and the bleating.
Betty: I can’t stand all this sitting! I just know I’m putting on weight. What I wouldn’t give for that trampoline right now.
Noah: What honey? Did you say something about a tambourine?
Shem: I’m hungry! Hey I know! What’s say we barbecue one of the animals!
Japheth: Are we there yet?
Day 50 on the ark:
Everybody in unison: Ninety- nine potter vessels of wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of wine on the ark . . .
Day 100 on the ark:
Shem: Hey guess what everybody? We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains!
Ham: How do you know that?
Shem: I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick Dad let me bring.
Betty: Noah! How come you let Shem bring a 25-foot water dipstick, but you wouldn’t let me bring one lousy little trampoline?
Noah: What’s that Betty? I can’t hear you over all the snorting and the squealing and the bow-wowing.
Japheth: Are we there yet?
Day 130 on the ark:
Shem: Hey Dad a raven and a dove just got out and the raven didn’t come back but the dove did, and it had an olive branch in its beak!
Noah: You know what, Shem, at this point Daddy doesn’t really give a rat’s behind.
Ham: Ha ha! Funny you should say that, Dad, because there are several rats behind you right now!
Noah: Hm . . . apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying early.
Day 150 on the ark:
Noah: Ninety nine pottery vessels of—
Ham: Hey Dad! Last time I looked outside there wasn’t any water anywhere, just dry land as far as the eye could see.
Noah: What? When was this?
Ham: About three months ago give or take.
Noah: What? Why didn’t you tell me?
Ham: I know how much you hate getting interrupted when you sing.
And a hardy laugh was had by all.
And there you have it, Dear Readers! How Gregory imagines life on the ark during the Great Flood. Be sure and check back next week for the further adventures of Noah and the gang.
S
t(er than a speeding bullet) Women
