Until next time . . . I love you
Pottery Fragments Discovered by Archaeologists from China and France (Who Got Along Really Well!)
A team of Chinese archaeologists working side by side with a team of French Archaeologists and only sometimes getting in each other’s way, have discovered pottery fragments in a cave in Maiden, China now thought to be 20,000 years older than the pottery fragments of the Chinese family who are currently living in the cave.
“The pottery was probably used to cook food and/or water in.” Dr. Wang Lung Wang has been interpreted as saying by French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques who claims to speak Chinese.
“The pottery was used by hunter gatherers,” added Jacques Pierre Jacques, who holds a one-year Doctor of Archaeology Certificate from Yoplait Community College and who has been a leader in hunting and gathering pottery fragments of hunter gatherers for the last 37 years (except for the year he had to have his spleen removed).
In an unprecedented display of cooperation between French Archaeologists and Chinese Archaeologists, both teams agreed everyday during the excavation to order a large pepperoni pizza with olives and green peppers and split it so that both teams got exactly the same amount of slices.
The Oldest Known Rock Art in Britain Has Finally Been Discovered.
A team of French Archaeologists led by Renowned French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques, (see above) has stumbled upon the oldest known rock art in Britain. After tripping over some pottery fragments in a cave in Shrapnailshire, England, Jacques Pierre Jacques (who has a terrible time seeing in the dark) stumbled upon a rendering of either a mosquito or a bison — he is unable to ascertain which one for certain until the French Archaeologists Team flashlight arrives.
Gold Coins of the Past
Thirty Seven old gold coins produced in Holland were discovered underneath some oily rags in the basement of 1515 Cherry Rose Lane, Ottoman, Canada by Renowned French Archaeologist, Jacques Pierre Jacques while he was residing at the home of his brother-in-law, Pierre Jacques Pierre, until some personal business of Jacques Pierre Jacques (which can all be explained) is cleared up.
Jacques Pierre Jacques estimates the coins to be worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $25,000 in today’s dollars (Canadian). The coins are thought to date back to the year 1732 because that is the year that is engraved on each of the coins; but Jacques Pierre Jacques insists on delivering the valuable coins, personally, to the lab for carbon dating.
Jacques Pierre Jacques has promised his brother-in-law that nothing untoward will happen to the gold coins on the way there and has even sworn as much on a stack of bibles that were produced shortly before the dawn of the middle ages.
Humorous Archaeology Happenings!
Last week in Ibuprofen, Germany, a team of French Archeologists lead by Jacques Pierre Jacques unearthed the grave of what they thought was going to be the remains of a viking pillager villager –but turned out, instead, to be the remains of Mrs.Gustav Heidelburg who was buried just last Wednesday.
A good laugh was had by all!
Until next time . . . I love you
Hello Dear Readers and welcome to the very first (and quite possibly the very last) Friday comics!
Until next time . . . I love you
We all love Edgar Allan Poe, it’s just that sometimes he tends to get a bit carried away! And please, please don’t get him started on Annabel Lee . . . too late! Now you’ve gone and done it!
It was many and many a year ago, in a kingdom by the sea
Just for future reference, Edgar, saying many and many is the same thing as saying many – I know you’re into writing so I thought I’d pass that along.
That a maiden there lived whom you may know, by the name of Annabel Lee
No, I don’t know her, but I have heard of her.
And this maiden she lived with no other thought, than to love and be loved by me
Uh . . . OOOKAAY . . .
I was a child and she was a child in this kingdom by the sea
Really? Google says you were 27 and she was 14, but nevermind, keep going.
But we loved with a love that was more than love, I and my Annabel Lee
Shouldn’t it be: “My Annabel Lee and I”?
And this was the reason that long ago in this kingdom by the sea, A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling my beautiful Annabel Lee
So you’re telling me the wind was jealous of you and Annabel Lee? Oh something’s blowing alright, Edgar, but I’d have to say it probably involves smoke, a skirt and the direction of up — if you know what I mean.
So that her high-born kinsmen came and bore her away from me
Uh, I have a feeling those high-born kinsmen were her parents, and if they were smart, they didn’t let her play with you anymore.
To shut her up in a sepulchre, in the kingdom by the sea
Hold on a sec while I google that . . . Let’s see . . . it say s a small room or monument where a dead person is laid . . . WHAT? What’d I miss?
That the wind came out of the cloud by night, chilling and killing my Annabel Lee
Hold on! Whoa! OK, I don’t like the direction this is going in. I’m calling your psychiatrist.
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
It’s too late to be all cheery now, just get in the car, Edgar.
Oh, the beautiful, Annabel Lee; and the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes of the beautiful Annabel Lee and so all the night tide, I lay down by the tide . . .
Yeah sure, Edgar. You just keeeep telling yourself that. Watch your head . . . that’s right. What? Where are we going? We’re just going for a drive, Edgar . . . it’ll be fun!
Oh my darling — my darling — my life and my bride, in the sepulchre there by the sea, in her tomb by the sounding sea . . .
Hey I know . . . why don’t I see if I can find a happy song on the radio . . . until we get there . . . not that we’re going to the Institute . . . no-no, we’re just going wherever the jealous wind blows us. . . it’ll be fun!
Until next time . . . I love you
Welcome! Isn’t this a fine June morning Dear Readers? I’m leaving for the mall in just a few minutes to meet a very good friend where we will shop for items that we will eventually donate to the thrift store and later inadvertently buy back again. I’m sorry to have to say I didn’t have time to cook up a new, fresh essay for you, but I have taken a leftover essay and stuck it in the oven at 350 degrees.
This, Dear Reader, is the view from my Morning Room.
Ok, I don’t really have a Morning Room, as such, it’s actually just a fancy way of saying a chair by the window in the bedroom.
But I like to refer to it as my Morning Room whenever I am giving instructions to my Butler.
Ok, I don’t really have a Butler, as such, it’s just a fancy way of referring to my little dog who looks like a really bad toupee that a Butler might wear.
So this morning, Dear Reader, whist sitting in my Morning Room admiring the view, I soon found myself ringing for the Butler with the Butler Bell. Which is to say, I called at the very tip-top of my very best lung,
“Here Chancey! Here Chancy!”
. . . because what I refer to as my Butler’s Bell isn’t really a Butler’s Bell, as such, but just a fancy way of saying ‘calling the dog’.
To which my Butler responded by running over and jumping onto my lap — or at least his toupee did.
Twas shortly after that, I instructed my Lady-in-Waiting to bring my breakfast to the Morning Room for my Butler and I — that we might dine whilst partaking of the View of the Estate from the Window of the Morning Room,
Ok, it isn’t really an Estate, as such, it’s just a fancy way of saying ‘tree’. But a pretty one it is. I would even go so far as to say that my Butler’s Toupee and I think it very grand indeed!
But alas, all good things must come to an end.
It seems my Lady-in-Waiting refused to serve us our breakfast due to the fact that she isn’t really a Lady-in-Waiting, as such, but just a fancy way in which I sometimes refer to myself.
And I never make breakfast.
Until next time . . . I love you
This weekend’s Trifecta Writing Challenge is to write a story in exactly 33 words using the sentence “It wasn’t the first time.” as a prompt.
It wasn’t the first time. After Björn Björngenjorgen slipped on a cooked eel and hit his head resulting in intermittent amnesia, there wasn’t a day that went by where poor Björn didn’t say, “I wasn’t Björn yesterday . . . was I?”
Until next time . . . I love you
Dear Readers, here are some more tips from the pages of this 1956 Betty Crocker Cookbook (see earlier tips here) that I got at — guess where? That’s right! The thrift store!
Anyway, I noticed when compiling these tips that the “tip section” is prefaced by this cheerful poem written to inspire 1956 Mom to keep working like a dog no matter what!
If you’re tired from overwork,
Household chores you’re bound to shirk
Read these pointers tried and true
And discover what to do
–1956 Edition of Betty Crocker’s Picture Cook Book
As you can see, comfortable clothing for 1956 Mom consisted of a pencil skirt, and apron tied tight enough to cut off circulation to the kidneys and shoes that one’s heel didn’t fit into.
Which was a big improvement over the comfortable clothes Betty Crocker suggested for 1955 Mom which was a sturdy pair cactus needle pedal pushers, a cardigan sweater woven entirely of straw and wooden clogs.
Oh that Betty! She knew 1956 Mom needed to conserve her energy so that she could keep working from the crack of dawn to the stroke of midnight and what better way than to alternate sitting and standing!
If you look closely at the big roller that 1956 mom is operating, it looks as though she may have inadvertently flattened her right arm! 1956 Mom is still smiling though because she got to be sitting down while she was doing it!
Frankly, when giving this tip, Betty Crocker seemed to be slacking off a bit by leaving off both the illustration and the punctuation –but hey, maybe she was trying to get 1956 Mom to use her own imagination for once.
Well, at least Betty managed to assign “head work” for 1956 Mom while 1956 Mom keeps her hands busy dusting, sweeping and washing! For instance, 1956 Mom can be planning family recreation or planning the garden or planning how she will run away from home and never ever come back.
As you can see in this tip, Betty Crocker is pointing out to 1956 Mom that with a little planning and organizing, she can train her family to help with different jobs.
Young children can clear the table or, perhaps, get a job in the textile mill down the street for 12 hours a day; while the older ones can cook or, perhaps, plow the fields and chop wood til the sun goes down because Betty Crocker knows that chances are the Child Protective Services of 1956 will more than likely never know.
That Betty has a heart as big as all get out! Just when 1956 Mom cannot wash one more dish or vacuum one more floor or think up one more plan for her family’s recreation, Betty Crocker has suggested that 1956 Mom actually sit down and close her eyes and just relax her muscles!
That’s right 1956 Mom. Betty Crocker says it’s OK to let your arms, hands and head fall limp. There now. Don’t you feel better now 1956 Mom? . . . .1956 Mom? . . . 1956 Mom answer Betty! . . .
Hmm . . . apparently 1956 Mom is too tired to revive just yet — but rest assured Betty Crocker will keep trying . . . for there are so many more household chores still to be done!
And for crying out loud, she hasn’t even started the cooking yet!
Until next time . . . I love you just as much as Betty Crocker does
This is NOT your ordinary wicker chair. It’s a Pottery Barn chair! Which can only mean one thing: this chair was made entirely of sea grass . . . SUSTAINABLE sea grass!
Naturally everybody and their dog wants to know how Pottery Barn makes a chair out of sustainable sea grass. How? how? how? everybody asks! Woof? Woof? Woof? asks everybody’s dogs.
And so, here’s some Pottery Barn Sustainable Sea Grass FAQ’s:
What does Pottery Barn mean by seagrass?
Pottery Barn knew you wouldn’t know that. Like most Americans, you have probably never spent much time, if any, walking around on the bottom of the ocean like Pottery Barn has. But if you did, you would find that on the bottom of every ocean is a gigantic lawn where sea creatures of all shapes and sizes bring their families to relax, play croquet and run three-tentacled races.
What does Pottery Barn mean by sustainable?
You don’t get out much do you? After paying out beaucoup bucks and attending umpteen seminars on global warming and adhering to strict guidelines ad nauseam, PB has become licensed by Al Gore, himself, to use the word sustainable to describe a person, place or thing in Pottery Barn catalogs until well past the year 2017.
What does Pottery Barn mean by sustainable seagrass?
You would ask that. Sustainable seagrass is any seagrass that has been painstakingly trimmed by the very fingers of Al Gore, himself, in such a way as to make it grow back quickly and also in such as way as to give Al Gore a killer back ache in such a way as to cause Al Gore to hire a female masseuse to come to his room and give him a massage in such a way as to cause Al Gore to act so weird his wife divorces him.
But how does Pottery Barn make a chair out of seagrass?
Nosy aren’t you? Again the answer lies with Al Gore. As you may or may not know, Al Gore used to be the Vice President of the United States of America where he spent hours upon hours snacking on Funions and waiting for something untoward to happen to Bill Clinton. He managed to keep busy by inventing a process he calls braiding.
On any given day, you can find Al Gore along with Leonardo Di Caprio (Al Gore’s best-looking, boot-licker sidekick) busily braiding sustainable seagrass chairs, lamps and even masseuse tables for Pottery Barn to offer to their highly discerning customers who are willing to pay top dollar for any furniture braided by Al and Leo as long as they 1) promise to wash their hands first and 2) promise to preface all Al and Leo’s offerings with the adjective “sustainable.”
But why does Pottery Barn call itself a pottery barn when it is clearly a store?
Go away kid you bother me.
Until next time . . . I love you (way more than Pottery Barn)
Today’s Top Stories in Archaeology:
15,000-Year-Old Fishing Village Discovered
On the count of three, a team of French Archaeologists unearthed a 15,000-year-old fishing village off the coast of Nip, Antarctica, suggesting that early Neolithic fishermen fishing off the coast of Nip were just as cold then as they are now.
The discovery was made by Jacques Pierre Jacques, a leading French Archaeologist who has been carefully sifting through snow looking for telltale signs of a 15,000-year-old fishing village for the last 27 years.
Last week, his dedication was rewarded when he came across several 15,000-year-old snowballs, and what appeared to be several fishing poles crudely fashioned out of 15,000-year-old snow.
Further excavation revealed an entire village of snow huts containing snow furniture, snow utensils and even primitive, beaded jewelry made entirely of snow.
The team of highly-paid, French Archaeologists will be returning to Yoplait, France with their findings where they will be performing further tests on the 15,000-year-old, snow artifacts using the latest in Magnetic Resonance Imaging. The entire team is working together to keep their fingers crossed to ensure the snow does not melt.
Was the Ice Man Coming or Going?
A Team of French Archeologists have begun a 42-year study of Otzi, the ice man who was discovered under an extremely large pile of snow in the Alps in 1991, and who, prior to that, had been missing for approximately 6,000 years.
Experts believe that Otzi was from a nearby Neolithic farming village where a rock was recently discovered with 6,000-year-old carvings scrawled onto it.
A team of highly-paid, French Neolithic Scrawl Experts were called to the scene and after 17 years of research — they were finally able to translate the scrawls as: a quart of ibex milk, a pound of yak butter and a dozen eggs from any animal that happens to be laying them.
Using the latest in Magnetic Resonance Imaging, the team of highly-paid, French Archaeologists are hoping that it will take 42 years to determine whether the 6,000 year old ice man was just leaving for the store or was just coming home from the store.
Tooth Marks Thought to Be Those of Leonardo Di Vinci
A Team of French Archaeologists have been debating whether the tooth marks embedded in a 500-year-old chocolate chip cookie found underneath a cushion of an authentic Louis the XIV sofa (currently belonging to Jacques Pierre Jacques) are indeed those of Leonardo Di Vinci or those of Jacques Pierre Jacques’s brother-in-law, Pierre Jacques Pierre, who was visiting last week and complained of hunger pangs.
Until next time . . . I love you
I am so happy and delighted, Dear Readers, to announce that My Brain Peanuts wrote a story called Henny Zoots Meets an Enigma that won this week’s Trifecta Writing challenge!! YAY! My Brain Peanuts will be celebrating by eating three huge pieces of Trifecta Writing Challenge Triple Chocolate Cake!
Now for the weekend challenge: write a 33-word story incorporating the word mother.
Father outdid himself the year he arranged for Mother to square off with Sonny Liston for Heavyweight Champion of the World. The fight lasted seven seconds. Pity she didn’t remember any of it!
Until next time . . . I love you
I found this little 1949 booklet at the thrift store the other day.
Apparently, back in 1949, before Facebook was invented, people had to make friends with whomever (or whatever) they could scrape up.
Alright fine, but how hard up does a person have to be to count Pure Bicarbonate of Soda as one of their friends?
I’m talking to you people of 1949! What were you thinking making Bicarbonate of Soda your friend? Hello? . . . ok, fine don’t answer me.
I’ll make something up and say it’s true. That’s what you get for ignoring me!
Let’s start by pretending we live in 1949. What else were you doing today anyway. (I mean besides pretending to be working).
As you know, the first thing to do when pretending anything is to rush over to Google and start asking a lot of unnecessary questions:
What was the cost of a first class stamp in 1949?
Google says: $.03
Who was the President of the United States in 1949?
Google says: “Harry S. Truman”
Why did Newfoundland join the Canada Confederation?
Google says: “You’re joking right?”
How do you write 1949 in Roman Numerals?
Google says: “Get outta here kid, ya bother me.”
Well apparently Google got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. So let’s try to conjure up 1949 by using this picture from 1951 that I found in my baby book and subtracting 2 years from it in our minds.
As you can see from this picture of me and Mom, 1949 was rather bleak, stark and dark. On the upside, they did have doilies (one) and lamps (one) and a window (one).
And even though you don’t see any “friends” in this picture, I’ll bet you anything if you were to go into the kitchen, you would have found Mom’s besty, Pure Bicarbonate of Soda, relaxing on the kitchen shelf, at the ready for Mom should she suddenly need Dear ol’ Carby.
OK, now that our minds are firmly ensconced in 1949, let’s just pretend something came up, and we are going to need our new BFF, Dear ol’ Carby, to come to the rescue.
Let’s say we were in need of . . . oh I don’t know maybe a . . . CASTER OIL SANDWICH?
Apparently back in 1949, there was some weirdness going on. First, that a Caster Oil Sandwich was actually on any menu at all, and second, that it was a sandwich you were suppose to :“Drink while effervescing.”
I don’t know about you, but I rarely effervesce when I drink sandwiches . . . but that’s just me.
What’s say we toddle back over to Google, shall we? And let’s ask Google why anybody would want to drink a Caster oil Sandwich:
Under what circumstances would someone drink a Caster oil Sandwich?
Google says: “Get outta here kid, you bother me!”
Fine be that way!
If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen with Dear ol’ Carby preparing a Caster oil Sandwich for our new besty, Goog.
“As you know, children, we always observe National Rubber Spatula Day here at Connie’s Kindergarten Cuisine Academy and–” Miss Connie’s announcement was interrupted by a collective moan from the classroom.
“And,” Miss Connie continued unfazed, “I therefore will be reading to you from Scraping By — the autobiography of Ted Flerk who you will remember is credited with inventing the rubber spatula.
Miss Connie calmly opened to page one and began reading in a clear, strong voice as several students rushed for the door that Miss Connie had had the presence of mind to bolt.
“The story of how it came to pass that fateful day in Mother’s kitchenette, when I, Ted Flerk, invented mankind’s most important baking utensil, the rubber spatula, is, I suppose, a tedious tale, or, more precisely, a thorough recounting, if you will, of—“
Suddenly a loud boom erupted from the back of the classroom. Miss Connie looked over the top of her reading glasses. Charles was out of his seat.
“If you’re thinking you’re going to bust down that door, Charles, you’ve got another thing coming.” Miss Connie said mildly. ” Now, put down that battering ram and return to your seat immediately!” Miss Connie continued reading.
” . . . the events leading up to the day I thought of inventing the Rubber Spatula, including what happened while I was physically inventing the rubber spatula, itself, in addition to a detailed accounting of my life up to that point– “
Suddenly there was a mighty crash and a tinkling of glass. Miss Connie calmly put her finger on her place in the book and looked up. Several girls were helping each other climb through the jagged glass of the broken classroom window. A line of students was quickly forming behind them. Miss Connie chose to ignore the interruption and continued reading.
” . . . and exactly how I, Ted Flerk, was able to scrape every type of bowl known to man leaving no detail undocumented. . . “
At 3:00 sharp, Miss Connie bookmarked her place in the book, turned out the lights of her now empty classroom and went home.
It’s Monday once again. (I’m starting to sense a pattern here.) I thought it might be nice to start the week out with some happy peppy people. And I just happened to have a few stashed away in the corner waiting for a time such as this to spring them on you. And so, fresh from their last appearance at the Thrift store may I present:
Happy Peppy People Who Are A Little Bit Too Happy and Too Peppy for Their Own Good.
What are these Happy Peppy People doing?
They are being the spokes models for the Ray Coniff Orchestra with every fiber of their being.
Isn’t it Smarvelous? The back cover tries to explain what’s going on with this inexplicable explanation:
‘S Connif too, with a companion volume, although in no sense a sequel to his bestselling “Wonderful! This time the music is moodier, and the arrangements a little more subtle . . .
Subtle, yes well . . . I mean what could be more subtle than fully clothed pole dancers? Or maybe they’re fully clothed people hugging gigantic pencils? Either way, it’s subtle alright. In fact, it’s Subtle Marvelous or Smarvelous, if you will.
Oh look! These adorably diminutive Happy Peppy People who have just been run out of town on a rail are the New Christy Minstrels! Not to be confused with the Old Christy Minstrels who the New Christie Minstrels bound and gagged and hid in the backstage closet.
Of course, the New Christy Minstrels are now, themselves, the Old Christy Minstrels. Not to worry, scientists knew this was going to happen and have been working ‘round the clock since 1972 to prepare the new ones.
They are hoping to have The New Christy-Clone Minstrels ready in time for Christmas.
Here’s some Happy Peppy People who named themselves Serendipity.
This is a group of fun-loving singers who are awaiting their chance to bind and gag the New Christie Minstrels and stash them in the closet along with the Old Christy Minstrels so they can replace them both as the New Most-Improved Christy Minstrels. Talk about Serendipity!
And finally here’s a Happy Peppy Person who is so happy and so peppy he is literally having — and I quote: “The Time of My Life!”
The first sentence on the back cover explains:
“John Davidson is a six-foot, blue-eyed young baritone who sings with a unique combination of warmth and power . . .”
It’s a good thing he sings with power too because somebody seems to have stolen his microphone . . . shhhh . . . don’t tell him though, there’s no reason to ruin the time of his life.
Until next time . . . I love you
Meet Ruth Conrad Bateman. There are a couple of things you should know about Ruth. Ruth is a Professional Home Economist, Ruth has a “genuine feeling” for food, and Ruth doesn’t take any guff.
Now, Ruth has always been a restless soul and back in 1967, before the invention of transportation, Ruth apparently stumbled upon a little known country name Italy where they eat “Italy” food and stuff.
That’s when Ruth got a wonderful, very good idea. She would compile a booklet with “instructions” on how to make “Italy” food. And here it is:
Now look closely at this cover. There’s wine, scallops and overly large wooden utensils that Italy people are so fond of cooking with. If that doesn’t smack of Italy — Ruth Conrad Bateman doesn’t know what does.
Also note that Ruth has included valuable coupons inside. That adorable, irrepressible Ruth! Let’s see what gives with that:
See you learn something every day! Who knew “Prune Shine” was Italian? Prune Shine is the natural way to stay regular, day after day! And when viewed in a prudential light, this could be considered a good thing.
However, if it turns out not to be a good thing due to having to urgently leave the room every ten minutes, Ruth has thoughtfully included a coupon to make you feel better about the situation:
Because Ruth knew that back in 1967, there really wasn’t much a person wasn’t willing to put up with for a nickel.
It’s also interesting to note that the makers of Sunsweet Prune Juice felt it necessary to use six adjectives to get you to drink it. Just a fun fact!
Now on to the Italy food! Or as Ruth puts it, “Lookee what I made!”
Here’s where Ruth really gets into the nuts and bolts of Italian food! Except instead of using nuts and bolts, Ruth is using jumbo shrimp. For you see, Ruth wanted an opportunity to tell us that jumbo shrimp is a delicacy that is available in many fine Italian restaurants which serve Italy food.
But Ruth doesn’t want us to feel embarrassed if we’ve never heard of jumbo shrimp before because they were only recently discovered by Ruth Conrad Bateman, herself, when she accidentally fell overboard while sailing in the Adriatic and surfaced with jumbo shrimp stuck in her hair net! So you see it’s nothing to feel unsophisticated about.
And finally, what Italian Cookbook would be complete without this helpful hint fresh from the lips of the Italy Food Diva, herself, Ruth Conrad Bateman:
And if that little treasure of wisdom doesn’t save you at least a nickel, Ruth Conrad Bateman will eat her hair net, jumbo shrimp and all!
Until next time . . . I love you
