Gregorys Bible Stories

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Israelites Schmizraelites

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how the father/son team of Saul and Jonathan fought the Philistines or possibly the Israelites . . . 

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Israelites Schmizraelites

One day Saul and his son, Jonathan, had just taken a lunch break from a hard morning of busily defeating the Philistines, when Jonathan posed a question to his father.

“Father with whom are we fighting? Jonathan asked chewing thoughtfully on a fig while hitting an enemy soldier over the head with a rock.

“The Israelites I believe, my son.” Jonathan’s father said sipping on his delicious fig wine.

“Why are we fighting them?” asked Jonathan.

“The lord has commanded us to do so.”

“But Dad. . . aren’t we the Israelites?”

“No, my son.  We are the Hebrews!”

“But isn’t that the same thing?”

“Oh maybe.” Saul said shruggingly. “All men look alike to me. You gonna eat the rest of that pomegranate?”

“No you go ahead.  Say listen Dad, I’m running a little low on men.”

“You mean to fight the Jews with?” Saul asked as he lazily impaled five warriors who happened to be walking by.

“No Dad, we’re the Jews. I think the Israelites and the Hebrews and the Jews are just different names for us.  In fact, I think you just impaled five of our own guys.”

“Whoopsie!  That calls for more wine!” Saul laughed heartily.

No seriously, Dad.  You know those thousand men you gave me yesterday to fight our enemies?”

“You mean our enemies, the Hebrews?”

“Dad we’re the Hebrews, remember?”

“You don’t say?”

“Anyway, I went through all thousand of them.  Now I’m fresh out of men to fight  the Philistines.”

“The Whoistines?”

“Come on Dad!  I think you’ve had enough wine.”

“Listen son, I think I know my own wine limit.  I’ve been drinking wine since you were just a gleam in the Lord’s eye.”

“I don’t know what that even means, Dad.”

“What it means is . . . wait a minute!  Lookee over there where I’m pointing!

“You mean to that fig tree?”

“I’m not pointing to that fig tree. I’m pointing to what’s beside that fig tree!”

“Oh.  Well what is it do you think?”

Well, it  looks like precisely  30,000  war chariots, six-thousand horseman and as many soldiers as there are grains on the sea shore.”

“Wow that’s mind boggling!”

“Now take it easy,son. I’m pretty sure we can take them.”

“No  I mean I it’s mind boggling how fast you can count when you’re drunk!”

“Well I must say. I have always prided myself on my ability to count fast when I’ve tied one on. It’s a gift, really. What can I say?  Now come on Son, lunch is over. Time to get back to stabbing, slinging and lobbing off the heads of our enemies, the Israelites.

“You mean Philistines.”

“Whatever.  I love you, Son.”

“I love you too Dad!”

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  What Gregory learned in Sunday School. Please check back next week at this same time for another Bible Story as interpreted by Gregory.

Israelites and the Philistines on the battlefield

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Samson

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how Samson entertained the Philistines.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory Samson, The Headliner

One fine shiny biblical morn, a group of Philistine kings along with 3,000 other Philistine party-goers met to celebrate and offer a sacrifice to their God Dagon– while Samson, the strongest man who ever lived was locked up in basement with a buzz cut and his eyes poked out.  The bible says they all sang this song:

“Our god has given us victory over our enemy Samson.” Nobody knows for sure what the tune was — but judging from the lyrics, it probably wasn’t very catchy.

After they were done singing, the energy in the room went way down:

King A to King B:  This party’s getting kind of dull, don’t you think?

King B to King A: I know, I even tried getting up a rousing chorus of “Our god has given us victory over our enemy who devastated our land and killed so many of us”

King C:  And?

King B to King C:  Nothin’.

King D:  I wonder what we could do to liven it up?

King E to King D:  Well, if we had some Christians we could feed them to some lions if we had some lions.

King A to no king in particular:  Oh I know! Let’s let Samson out of prison to entertain us.

King #228:  You mean, Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, who is at this very moment locked up in the basement with the recently shorn hair and the even more recently poked out eyes?

King B:  Excuse me King #228, but I think you wandered into the wrong group of kings.  Where did you come from?

King #228:  1 Kings 19?

King C:  Hahahahaha!  I knew it!  Well anyways, I’m going out for more fig wine. . . wait a minute, I can’t find my chariot reins!

King B: I took them.

King C:  Why?

King B to King C:  Because Kings don’t let Kings chariot drunk.

Later:

King A to King B:  I’m about ready to fall asleep.  You want I should go get Samson out of his cell?

King B to the only King left who was paying any attention at all (King #228):  No let’s send a dumb little boy to take Samson by the hand, and lead Samson, the strongest man who ever lived, out to us and have him  stand between those two pillars over there.

King C to King B:  You mean those two pillars over there that are purely decorative and are not structurally needed should they somehow be destroyed or do you mean the two load-bearing pillars that if something were to happen to them the entire palace would collapse and everyone would be killed including Kings A through #228?

King B:  The latter . .   No wait . . . the former?

While King B was looking up the definitions of former and latter, the dumb little boy led Samson to the two load-bearing pillars and Samson took hold of them and pushed with all his might.

The entire building fell down killing all 3,000 party-goers and every single one of the kings except for King #228 who quickly high-tailed it back to 1 Kings 19.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday school today. Please check back next week at the same time to find out what Gregory comes up with.

Samson pushing down the pillars

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: But We Keep the Goats?

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened when the people of Israel asked Samuel for a king to rule over them.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory But We Still Get to Keep the Goats, Right?

One day a man named Samuel, who was the ruler of Israel, decided to retire so he appointed his two sons, Joel (sometimes called Costello) and Abijah as judges to rule over the people.

But Abijah and Costello were always getting into hilarious scrapes due to doing such things as accepting bribes, cheating the citizenry and serving as horrible first-base umps.

So the people went to Samuel and demanded that he appoint a King to rule over them instead of Abijah and Costello.  Samuel prayed to the Lord and the conversation probably didn’t go anything like this:

Samuel:  Are you there God it’s me Sam

The Lord:  Sup Sam?

Samuel:  Oh no thanks.  I just ate.

The Lord:  No.  Sup is a cool expression I just made up.  It’s short for “what is up?”

Samuel:  Oh. Well, the people want a king to rule over them.  I don’t know what to do.  I feel rejected by them and I feel like they are making poor decisions.

The Lord:  Hashtag don’t go all emo on me, Bro!

Samuel:  What?

The Lord:  Oh nothing I’m just playing around with some new lingo.  Anywho, ever since I brought my peeps out of Egypt they’ve been acting super-sized bogus. To tell you the truth, it’s driving me cray cray. I’m considering unfriending them. Anyways, listen to the people,  but give them a strict warning about how being ruled by a king would be redonkulous! Capisce?

Samuel:   Uh . . . no habla Espanol?

So Samuel told the people everything God had said:

People:  We want a king!

Samuel: Yeah but a king will send all your sons to war, make you plow the all the fields, make you harvest all the crops and force all your daughters to make perfume and bread 24/7.

People:  Who cares!  We still want a king!

Samuel:  Yeah but a king will take all your best vineyards, and all your best fields and all your best olive groves, and if that’s not bad enough, a king will take all your best servants!

People:  Boo Friggin’ Hoo! We still want a king!

Samuel: Yeah but a king will take all your grain and all your donkeys and all your cattle.

People:  But we’d still get to keep our goats, right?

Samuel:  That I don’t know.  But most assuredly, a king will take all your servants.

People:  And we  keep the goats?

Samuel: God didn’t mention anything about goats, but if God gives you a king and you decide later that you hate being ruled by a king,  God is absolutely not going to help you out at all. Oh and I almost forgot to mention that God said to tell you that the king will also make you all slaves!

People:  But the goats are ours to keep?

Samuel:  Yes I suppose.   But do you want to live as free men while creating  a rich and fulfilling life for both you and your children or would you rather all become slaves but get to keep your goats?  God wants to know which it’s going to be.

People: What’s the latest we can let him know?

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this same time to find out what Gregory learns in next week’s Sunday School class.  

Until next time . . . I love you

"You can put your hand down, I'm only taking non-goat related questions."
“You can put your hand down, I’m only taking non-goat related questions.”

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Philistines Get Tumors

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories , , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how God gave the Philistines tumors when they stole the Lord’s Covenant box.

Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.

gregory The Philistines Get Tumors

One day a group of untrustworthy Philistines (the Philistines were a group of smarmy biblical peoples all named Phil) were going to some yard sales over in the town of Ebenezer when they came across the Lord’s covenant box.

One of the more gregarious Philistines kept the lady who was running the yard sale distracted by pretending to be interested in a souvenir rock from the Promised Land while two other Philistines ran off with the Lord’s covenant box.

Phil:  Oy!  This covenant box is heavy.  Let’s drop it off at the nearest temple.

Phil:  But the nearest temple’s a block away.

Phil:  No there’s one right behind you. See that sign?

Phil:  You mean the one that says Dagon’s Temple ‘n Dry Cleaners?

Phil:  Yeah.

Phil:  But who’s Dagon?

Phil:  Who’s Dagon? The God of Clean Clothes! Don’t you ever go to false idol sabbath school?

Phil:  Not if I can help it.

Phil and Phil set the Lord’s Covenant box next to the statue of Dagon which immediately toppled over causing both its arms and its head to break off.  

"Doggonit! You broke Dagon!
“We might be able to glue it.”

Phil:  Whoops.

Phil:  Now what do we do?

Phil:  I don’t know . . . say, do you feel lumpy?

Phil:  Come to think of it, yes. Uh oh.  Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Phil: You mean that we both got hives from those figs we ate for lunch?

Phil:  No, that the God of Israel is punishing us for stealing His Covenant Box and putting it next to the statue of Dagon by giving us tumors all over our bodies.

Phil:  Then no, I wasn’t thinking what you were thinking.

Phil: Say, we better get a message to all five kings of the Philistines, King Phil, King Phil, King Phil and King Phil.

Phil:  What about King Phil?

Phil:  Oh yeah, him too.  I don’t know why I always forget him!

After that, all five King Phils got together and did some official hub-bubbing on how to rid themselves of The Covenant Box and their tumors. They decided to try dumping the box off at the city of Gath.

King Phil:  So how’s it going in Gath?

King Phil:  Not so good. Everybody in Gath has bumps.

King Phil:  Maybe everybody in Gath needs a bath?

King Phil:  Always the comedian, aren’t you, Phil.

Then the five King Phils decided to try leaving the Lord’s Covenant box in Ekron.

King Phil:  So how’s it going in Ekron?

King Phil:  Everybody’s got bumps.

King Phil:  Just bumps?  No lumps?

King Phil:  Bumps and lumps.

King Phil:  Bumps and lumps?  Hearing that makes me down in the dumps!

King Phil:  Phil.  Stop.  I begging you.

Seven months later the priests and magicians were brought in to see if they could come up with a way to rid the Philistines of their tumors by getting rid of the Lord’s covenant box –which was turning out to be way more trouble than it was worth.

King Phil:  Good news!  The priests and magicians say we can rid ourselves of our tumors if we put the Covenant Box on a wagon with another box next to it that contains five golden tumors and five golden mice and hitch it to a wagon pulled by two cows that will pull it to the town of Beth Shemesh while they moo all the way there.

King Phil:   Why didn’t we think of that?

King Phil:  Too obvious?

No wait, Bessy. Let's get our moo's in sync. First I'll moo and then you moo." "My name's Bossy, not Bessy."
“Now wait, Bessy. Let’s get our moo’s in sync. First I’ll moo and then you moo.”
“My name’s Bossy, not Bessy.”

When the Covenant box got to Beth Shemesh, the people rejoiced by  chopping up the wagon and the cows and by burning them as a sacrifice to the Lord and a good time was had by all — except for the seventy guys who the Lord killed for looking in the box — but it was still pretty fun anyway.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week to see what Gregory learns about next time.

Until next time . . . I love you

"Does that look like a tumor or a hive to you?" "I'm going with dry skin."
“Does that look like a tumor or a hive to you?”
“I’m going with dry skin.”

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Big Fat Bullies of the Bible

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about the time the Israelites were having some trouble with the Medianites.

Let’s listen in to Gregory’s take on all this:

gregory Big Fat Bullies of the Bible

One day the Lord left the planet for five seconds and when he came back the people of Israel were sinning against him. So as a  punishment, He let the people of Midian rule over the Israelites for seven years (This was way before He thought up”timeouts”)

This was a horrible punishment to the Israelites because the Medianites were a race of big, fat bullies and the Israelites were more on the bookish side.  So the Israelites fled to the hills and hid in caves while the Medianites partied with their gangsta buddies, the Amalekites, in the Israelites’ homes — helping themselves to the Israelites beer, feasting on the Israelites’ food and even using the Israelites’ toothbrush.

One day, the Israelites ventured out of their caves to plant some crops and tend their animals.   But when they woke up the next morning they found that the Medianites had trampled all their crops and tipped all their cattle. The Israelites couldn’t take it anymore and cried out to the Lord.

The Lord, who was wondering when they were going to cry out, sent an angel to talk to an Israelite named Gideon who, at that particular moment, just happened to be threshing some wheat on a wine press. (Gideon was a kind yet confused man.)

Then an angel appeared who might have been the Lord and said:

Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord:  The Lord is with you brave and mighty man.

Gideon:  Oh really?  Then why is all this bad stuff happening?

AWMHABTL:  Well, I’m here to tell you that you’re going to need to go rescue Israel from the Medianites.

Gideon:  Who Moi? Have you seen my muscles?

AWMHABTL:  What muscles?

Gideon: I rest my case.

AWMHABTL:  I know this is a little bit off topic, but I’m really starving.  I skipped lunch.

Gideon:  I’ll be right back, stay right here.

Gideon rushed back to his house and cooked a young goat, used a bushel of flour to make bread without any yeast and put some meat in a basket and the broth in a pot and delivered it to the Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord:

AWMHABTL:  Thanks.  Now put it over there on that rock and stand back.

Gideon put the food on the rock and the Angel Who Might Have Also Been The Lord reached out and touched it with a stick and  the rock burst into flames.This terrified Gideon. In fact, it would have scared the bejesus out of him had he not been such an old-testament kind of guy.

gideon and the angel

Gideon:  Sovereign Lord! I have seen your angel face-to-face!

The Lord:  Peace.  Don’t be afraid you will not die.

Gideon:  Well thank God for that!

The Lord:  You’re welcome.

That night the Lord handed Gideon his To-Do List:

The Lord’s To-Do List for Gideon:

1) Take your Father’s bull and another bull seven years old

2) Tear down your father’s alter to Baal

3) Cut down the symbol of the goddess Asherah

4) Build a well-constructed altar to Yours Truly on top of this mound

5) Burn second bull as offering using the symbol of Asherah .

6) If you have any questions, cry out between the hours of 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. Monday through Saturday

 Then Gideon had a convoluted idea:

Gideon:  Say Lord, in order to find out if you want to use me to save Israel, I was thinking that maybe you could put some wool on the ground where we  thresh the wheat and if in the morning there is only dew on the wool but not on the ground, then I will know that you are going to use me to rescue Israel . . .

The Lord:  Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask me?

Gideon:  I suppose.  But then I was thinking that if there was dew on the wool maybe the next night I could put the wool on the ground and if there was dew everywhere but on the wool, then that would mean that you are indeed going to use me to rescue Israel and–

The Lord:  Wool Schmool!  I’m just going to tell you now, you’re rescuing Israel.

Gideon:  Fine be that way.

Well that’s it for part one of the adventures of Gideon, Dear Readers.  Please come back next week when Gregory tells us how Gideon defeats the Midianites.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Baby Jesus and the Wise Old Men

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about when three wise old men visited the baby Jesus.

gregoryBaby Jesus and The Three Wise Old Men

“Gosh Mary, I know God wants us to name him Jesus, but I kinda had my heart set on Morty.”

Once upon a time there were three wise old men who lived somewhere (nobody knows where).  Their names might have been Kaneezer, Ferod and Ringo (but nobody knows for sure).  They spent a ton of time studying the stars.  One night while looking up at the stars there was a very strange occurrence.

Kaneezer:  Hey guys!  Come out here!  Lookee what I found!

Ferod:  What? Just tell us. Ringo and I are trying to eat our dinner, Kaneezeer.

Kaneezer:  No you’ve got to come and see this for yourselves, guys.  You won’t believe it!

Ferod:    But our bread will get stale . . . you gonna eat the rest of your pomegranates, Ringo?

Ringo:   Yeah.  You gonna eat the rest of your figs?

Kaneezer:  Listen you guys, first of all, unleavened bread doesn’t get stale and even if it did you’d never know the difference.  Secondly, I just saw a star in the sky that is telling me that “The King has been born” and thirdly,  it’s double parked outside waiting to guide us to Him.

Ringo:  A king’s been born?

Kaneezer:  Not a king THE king!  We’ve got to hurry over there and take Him some presents.

Ferod:  “Presents? But what will we get him?

Ringo:  How about a dreidel?

Kaneezer:   I already took the liberty of getting Him a bag of gold, a bundle of incense and jug of sweet-smelling perfume from all of us.

Ringo:  Those gifts don’t seem very age appropriate, Kaneezer.

Kaneezer:  Hey, I’m a wise old man, what do I know from babies?  Anyway, I also got him a really cute card that you guys need to sign. Now go pack your camels and let’s hit the road.

“Can I hold Him?”
“Uh . . . maybe later.”

Later

Kaneezer:  Wasn’t The King the cutest baby you ever saw when He lay down His Sweet Head?

Ferod:  I know! And even when he didn’t!

Ringo:   And did you notice He didn’t even cry when the cattle started lowing their heads off?

Kaneezer:  I know!  And their barn’s right next to the pasture too.

Ferod:  What a Trooper!

Ringo:  Mary and Joseph told me He’s already sleeping through the night!

Ferod:  Oh good, that means He’s probably not allergic to straw.

Kaneezer:  Hey did you happen to notice all the stars looking down where He lay?

Ringo:  I know!  Before tonight, I didn’t even realize stars could “look”!

Ferod:  And did you get a load of all those angels?

Kaneezer:  I know! I almost wet my pants when they started unfurling their peaceful wings!

Ferod:  But you’re not wearing pants, you’re wearing a robe.

Kaneezer:  Oh yeah my bad.

Ringo:  I really loved it when the herald angels started singing “Hark!”

Ferod:  I know, that’s my new favorite song!

Kaneezer:  Me too!

Ringo:  Me three!

Kaneezer:  Hey lookee guys!  There’s an Inn 6.  Let’s  spend the night there shall we?

Ringo:  Okay, but something tells me there’s not going to be any vacancies.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Oh and Gregory would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Merry Christmas!

Until next time . . .I love you

Saul, the Yardstick That Became a Ruler

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about when Saul was anointed as Ruler of Israel.  Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us about the lesson.

gregorySaul, the Yardstick That Became a Ruler

Once there was a wealthy man named Kish who forgot to tie up his donkeys, and they all ran away.  So Kish sent his son Saul to find them. Saul Kished his father goodbye and set out on foot with his servant to the country of Ephraim which in those days was the donkey capital of the world.

Now, in biblical times, Saul was the sexiest man alive.  Not only was he handsome, but he was also a foot taller than everyone else in Israel.  Some biblical scholars believe his height was approximately two yardsticks tall, while other biblical scholars believe he was probably only six feet tall, while still other biblical scholars believe he was just wearing lifts. (Whatever it was, from Saul’s elevated vantage point, all he saw when he looked around was a sea of crooked yarmulkes.)

When Saul and his servant arrived at Zuph, they’d had enough of looking for donkeys.

Saul:  Let’s go back home or my father might stop worrying about donkeys and start worrying about us.

Servant:  Ha ha!  You actually made a little bit of a joke, Saul.

Saul:  What’s a joke?

Servant:  You know, it’s humor.

Saul:  You mean like body fluid humor such as blood, lymph or bile?

Servant:  No, I mean like humorous humor as in funny.  You’re a funny guy.

Saul:  Funny like I’m a clown?  Like I make you laugh? Like I’m here to amuse you?  How am I funny?  Funny how?

Servant:  No! Saul!  I guess what I meant was humor as in bile humor.  I always get those two mixed up!  Sorry Saul.

Saul:  Forget about it!  Now get over here and let me straighten up your yarmulke!

Servant:  Hey I just remembered something!

Saul:  I hope it doesn’t have anything to do with humor.

Servant:  No, there’s a seer in this town. If we give him a nickel, he can tell us where the donkeys are.

Saul:  I don’t want to give him a nickel.

Servant:  No I meant if I give him a nickel.

Saul:   Well what are we waiting for?  Let’s go!

As Saul and his servant were going up the hill to the town, they met some girls who were coming out to draw water:

Saul:  Excuse me.   Do you girls know if there’s a seer in town?

Girl #1:  A Sears?  No.  Our town’s pretty small.  We don’t even have a Walmart.

Saul:  Am I to understand that you mean you don’t have a wall around which your town is surrounded whereupon a mart lies within?

Girl: #1:  I guess.

Just then Saul and his servant ran into Samuel who was very important person in Israel, not quite a king, but way more than a mayor.  Samuel was the seer that Saul’s Servant said Saul would see (with or without six seashells by the seashore).

"Are you the seer?" "Yes, I'm the seer." "Well I'm just asking because your eyes are closed." "Yeah well at least I have eyes."
“Are you the seer?”
“Yes, I’m the seer.”
“Well I’m just asking because your eyes are closed.”
“Yeah well at least I have eyes.”

The day before God had told him Samuel that Saul would be coming and that Samuel was to anoint Saul as the ruler of Israel. So Samuel invited Saul to a big feast in which Saul was served the best piece of meat available at that time, a leg. (This was way before animals had breasts).

When the feast was over Samuel fixed up a nice place for Saul to sleep in his guest bedroom that also doubled as his roof.  The next morning Samuel took a jar of olive oil and poured it on Saul’s head.  “The Lord anoints you as ruler of his people of Israel,”  Samuel said, and then he gave Saul a great big ol’ Kish.

Not only am I anointing you the ruler of Israel, Saul, but this will do wonders for your dandruff.”

 And there you  have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School this morning.  Please come back next week at this same to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Naaman’s Seven Baths

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about a commander of the army of Syria, Naaman, who was having a little trouble with his skin.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

gregoryNaaman’s Seven Baths

One biblical day about a fifth of the way through the bible, there lived in the holy land, a man named Naaman. As the commander of the Syrian army and as a close friend of the king of Syria, Naaman had it made in the shade or would have, anyway, had there been any trees.

But there was one tiny detail that tortured Naaman day and night.  You see Naaman suffered from a horrible case of biblical dry skin , a dreaded old-testament skin condition for which there was no cure.  (This was way before hand lotion was invented.)

Naaman’s dry skin condition took its toll on his life both at home and at work. Even the simplest tasks would cause him to look down at his scaly arms and legs in despair.  Whether he was relaxing at home in his hobby room organizing his slaves by height and weightor whether he was at work slicing off heads or impaling enemies, Naaman was finding it more and more difficult to enjoy the little things in life.

Then one day Naaman brought home a cute little stray Israelite slave girl for his wife who was really into taking in stray slaves.  In fact, she was known around the neighborhood as the Crazy Slave Lady.

Anyway, one day the little slave girl told Naaman’s wife that she knew of a prophet who might be able to help Naaman with his dry skin:

Naaman’s Wife:  Norman!  Good news.  I just found out that a prophet named Elisha can cure your dry skin!

Naaman:  Honey!  My name’s not Norman, it’s Naamon!

Naaman’s Wife:  It is?

So Naaman immediately went to the king of Syria and told him the news.

Naaman:  Yeah, so I just found out that there’s a prophet in Samaria who can help me with my problem.

King of Syria:  What problem is that, Norman?  Your two left feet?

Naaman:  No not that problem.

King:  Oh you mean the problem of that strange odor that is always emanating  from your personage?   Or are you referring  your propensity to whistle off-key?

Naaman:  No, I’m talking about my dry skin problem!

King:   Gross!

Naaman:  Yeah well, all I need now is a letter from you introducing me to the king of Israel along with ten thousand pieces of gold and ten changes of fine clothes and I think we can pretty much kiss my dry skin problem goodbye.

Later that day in Israel:

Naaman:   Hello King of Israel! Here’s a letter from the King of Syria introducing me, Naaman, to you.  How do you do?

King of Israel:  Hi Norman.

Naaman:  It’s  Naaman.

King of Israel:  The letter says, Norman.

Naaman:  Whatever.  Can you cure my dry skin or not?

King of Israel: Hm. . . I’m not sure.   Listen why don’t you have a seat over there in dry skin waiting area, Norman, while I consult with my wise men on this matter of great importance. Oh and help yourself to the figs, Norm.  You don’t mind if I call you Norm, do you?

Naaman:  Sure go right ahead you stupid . . .

King of Israel:  Sorry Norm, I didn’t catch that.

Naaman:  Good figs!

The King began pondering what to do by wailing, moaning and tearing at his clothes as is the standard biblical procedure for making decisions, and finally decided to do what he always did when dealing with people with dry skin issues — send them to the prophet Elisha’s house.

When Naaman arrived, Elisha sent out his servant to deliver his usual dry skin advice:

Naaman:  Hi, I’m Naaman.  I’m here to get my dry skin cured by Elisha?

Elisha’s Servant, Gehazi:  Oh yeah, he’s been expecting you Norman.   He told me to tell you to take seven baths in the Jordan River.

Naaman:  Seven whats?

At this exact moment all of  Naaman’s servants took the opportunity to explain to Naaman not only what a bath was– but also, what it meant to brush one’s teeth (or tooth in Naaman’s case).

When Naaman was finished scrubbing up, his dry skin was completely gone!  So Elisha’s servant, Gehazi, talked Naaman into giving Elisha six thousand pieces of silver and two changes of fine clothes for the bathing suggestion — which made Elisha mad because he never charged for personal hygiene advice as he felt the fresh air it created was reward enough.

But because Gehazi took money for Elisha’s advice, Elisha punished Gahazi by giving him dry skin which Gehazi was later able to cure by cutting strips of the fine clothing he received, soaking them in ointment and wrapping them around his arms and legs — a cure for dry skin which is known today as the Gehazi Strip.

And there you have it Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week to find out what he will learn next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Naaman and the seven baths

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Hey Where’d You Come From?

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about what happened after Cain killed his brother and God forced him to run away from home. Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesCain Takes a Wife or Hey! Where’d You Come From?

After God kicked Cain out of Eden territory, Cain wandered around until he came to the land of Nod, known for it’s quiet motels.

After that Cain got married.  It was a pretty small wedding ceremony as Cain’s parents didn’t go because they were still mad at him for killing Abel and thought it was super unfair that if anybody killed Cain seven people would have to be killed –especially since, at that point, there were only three people on earth. (This was way before God created the calculator.)

Anyway,  if the bible knows where Cain’s wife came from it isn’t telling, but nevertheless, Cain and his wife soon had a bouncing baby boy, and they named the poor little thing Enoch.

Right away Cain started remodeling his tent, adding on a nursery and whatnot until next thing you know, Cain had added on an entire city which he also named Enoch which sometimes got confusing for them.

Mrs. Cain:  Honey have you seen Enoch?

Cain:  Have I seen it?  I built it!

Mrs. Cain:  No I mean Enoch, the baby.

Cain:  We have a baby?

Mrs. Cain:  Cain!!!

Cain: Ha ha just kidding, honey.

Mrs. Cain:  Well don’t be so cavalier.  He’s a pretty important little baby because as it stands right now there’s your mom and dad and you and me and the baby representing the entire human race.

Cain:  And we’re not even sure about you.

Mrs. Cain: Cain!!

Cain:  Ha ha just kidding, honey.

After that, Cain and his wife settled into a very quiet life in the land of Nod.  One day, Enoch got married.  (Apparently God had whipped up another batch of women while the bible wasn’t looking.)

For the next several generations, all anybody ever did was have kids and see who could come up with the most difficult names to pronounce, the uglier the better. There was Mehujael and Methushael and Lamech, and there was also a guy named Jubal who named his daughter a name not even liked by God, Zillah.

Soon the place was buzzing with people living in tents, tending livestock, learning to play harps and flutes and making all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron.  It was so noisy no one could hear anybody else calling their name — which was one of God’s biggest blessings thus far.

Right about this time Adam and Eve decided to have a third child whom they named Seth. (Adam and Eve had much better taste in names.) Seth which loosely translated means:  one who has many horribly named aunts and uncles, lived to be 807 years old, and spent most of that time addressing Christmas card envelopes.

But of all Cain’s descendants, it was Methuselah who really took the cake, living to be 969 years old, and tragically dying of birthday cake overdose.

Methusela's timely demise
Methuselah’s sad ending

Well there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned today in Sunday School today. Please check back next week for more of Gregory’s bible stories.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abel’s First-born Lamb Feed

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories on Monday instead of Sunday as Gregory didn’t get around to telling about what he learned in Sunday School until today.  Let’s listen in and see what he learned about Adam and Eve’s two boys, Cain and Abel.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAbel’s All You Can Eat First-Born Lamb Feed

After the “incident” with Adam and Eve, the Lord gave each of them hoes as lovely parting gifts and sent them to cultivate the soil just outside the Garden of Eden which they unofficially named Little Eden.  (Luckily, Adam and Eve had eaten enough of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge to know how to farm,  but were still several bites shy of an Agricultural Sciences degree.)

Eve soon gave birth to two boys.  The first one she named Cain because she had always liked that name.  The second one she named Abel because she wasn’t able to think of any other name she liked.

Cain became a farmer and grew lots of boring broccoli, while Abel became a shepherd and herded lots of  mouth-watering sheep.

One day, Cain gathered up a big bowl of broccoli  and offered it to the Lord while Abel killed a first-born lamb, sautéed the best parts in clarified butter, and offered it to the Lord along with a glass of His favorite chardonnay.

The Lord breezed by Cain’s alter and sat down at Abel’s table.   Just as Abel was tying the Lord’s First-Born Lamb Feed bib on, Cain came over with his bowl of broccoli.

Cain:  Hi Lord.  I grew this bowl of broccoli for you.    I think it will make a nice accompaniment to Abel’s Seared Petite First-Born Lamb Chops with Rosemary Balsamic Reduction, don’t you?

The Lord:  Take it away. I am rejecting it.

Cain:  Ah come on.  Don’t be that way.  Couldn’t you take one teeny-weeny bite?

The Lord:  No, I reject you and your broccoli, Cain. But I will have me some more of your brother’s delightful mouthwatering first-born lamb!  Hey . . .what’s the matter, Cain, you look angry.  Why are you scowling?

Cain:  I’m just feeling a little killingish that’s all.

Abel:  You’re stupid Cain!

Cain:  Hey, Abel.  Can I see you out in the field for a minute?

Abel:  I guess.  You want to come too, Lord?

The Lord:  No you guys go ahead.  I’m just going to polish off  the rest of these First-Born Lamb Sliders.

When they were in the field, Cain took the stalk of broccoli he’d won first place for at the Little Eden County Fair, removed the pin from it and stabbed Abel repeatedly with the pointy end — killing him, if not instantly, eventually.

Cain killing abel

When Cain came back, the Lord was just finishing the last of the first-born lamb Jello and was once again congratulating Himself on having had the wherewithal to have always made room for it when he was creating everything.

The Lord:  This Jello set up perfectly, Abel!

Cain:  I’m not Abel, I’m Cain.

The Lord:  Where’s Abel?

Cain:  I do not know.   Am I my brother’s keeper?

The Lord:  That’s rhetorical, isn’t it?   Wait a minute . . . Listen:  I hear your brother’s blood crying out from the soil.

Cain:  Are you sure?  Maybe that’s just your stomach growling again.

The Lord:  No, by Golly, that was blood crying out from the soil, alright.  There’s a fine line, but I know the difference.

Cain:  Gulp.

The Lord:  Okay, Buster, no more tilling the soil for you.  From now on, consider yourself a restless wanderer.

Cain:  You mean the kind of restless wanderer that anyone may kill on sight?

The Lord:  Not so!  If anyone kills Cain, Cain shall be avenged seven-fold!

Cain:  Why are you suddenly talking in third person?

The Lord:  I get so bored with omniscient.

Cain:  But why will they be avenged seven-fold?

The Lord:  Seven is my lucky fold.

Cain:  I knew that.

The Lord:  No you didn’t.

Cain:  More first-born lamb shank, Lord?

The Lord:  Thank you.  Don’t mind if I do.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School, please check back next Sunday to see what will happen next to Adam and Eve and the gang.

Until next time . . . I love you

First Born Lamb Feed

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Forbidden Fruit Fiasco Fallout

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about what happened when God found out about the forbidden fruit fiasco.

Gregory's Bible StoriesThe Forbidden Fruit Fiasco Fallout

After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, they heard the Lord God walking in the garden.  (You could always hear the Lord God coming a mile away as He loved slapping His flip-flops.)

Adam and Eve weren’t wearing clothes because the fig-leaf outfits they sewed to cover themselves in Genesis 3:7  were way too scratchy. They tried selling them at a yard sale, but nobody came by except for the snake. He didn’t buy anything though as they didn’t have any tube tops.

When Adam and Eve heard God calling to them, they hid behind some trees. Then they looked around and saw a bear sleeping behind them.  They hoped God wouldn’t look over as the last thing Adam and Eve wanted was for God to see them with a bear behind.

Biblical Scholars believe their conversation with God might have — but probably didn’t — go something like this:

God:  Where are you, Adam?

Adam:  I’m hiding behind this tree because I’m naked.

God:  Why?

Adam:  Uh . . . the dry cleaners lost my Bermuda shorts?

God: No, I mean  why do you know you’re naked?

Adam:  Uh . . . is this a trick question?

Eve:  Let me handle this, Adam.  Hi God.  Remember me?  I’m that rib you–oh gosh! Those flip-flops look really great on you, by the way.

God:  You really think so?  I love the sound they make when I walk.

Eve:  I noticed. Listen, Lord, remember that tree you put smack dab in the middle of the garden that has forbidden cupcake fruit growing on it that you told us never to eat not even for dessert?

God:  Yes?

Eve:  Well the Snake tricked us into eating it.

God:  How?

Eve:  He said the fruit would make us wise-; plus it had cream filling. And you know how Adam can’t resist cream filling!

God:  What?  That’s the oldest trick in the book!

Eve:  Uh . . yeah . . .  we know that now.

God: Where’s the Snake?

Snake:  You rang?

God:  Okay, Snake, I’m gong to punish you.  From now on you will have to crawl on your belly and eat dust.

Snake:  Wait a minute, I’m already doing that.  You mean all this time I could have been walking around eating forbidden cream-filled cupcake fruit instead of crawling on my belly in this stupid tube top?

God:  And, Eve, I’m punishing you too. When you have a baby it’s going to hurt like gangbusters.

Eve:  What’s a baby?

God:  And you, Adam, you listened to your wife and ate the forbidden cupcake fruit  from tree of knowledge.  What were you thinking?

Adam: I was thinking . . .  mm . . . cupcakes.

God:  Sorry, Adam, but I’m going to have to kick you out of the Garden of Eden. I give you one rule and you break it.

Adam:  Ah, come on God.  How about two out of three?

God:   No Adam.  Now get out and take that bear behind with you!

Adam and Eve exiting the garden of Eden

And that’s what Gregory learned in Sunday School today, Dear Readers.  Please stop by next week at this same time to see what happens when Adam and Eve move to the country.

Until next time . . . I love you

Adam and Eve with a bear behind

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Adam Finds Love on Rib.com

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about what happened when Eve moved into the Garden of Eden with Adam.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAdam Finds Love on Rib.com

When God was done forming woman out of Adam’s rib, he showed her to Adam and Adam said, “At last, here is one of my own kind.”  And he was secretly relieved she looked nothing like a platypus.

Adam’s New Wife

The first thing Eve did was give Adam her very best come hither look.  After Adam hithered, she gave Adam a long list of things that needed to be done around the garden and then gave him her best go hither look and Adam went.

Adam's Awkward First Date

Enter the Snake

Then Eve decided to go for a jog to burn off some of the cheesecake fruit she had just eaten, when she came across a snake who had just consumed a bull.  In those days snakes were always full of bull.

Then the snake started talking and asked Eve if the rumor was true that God had told Adam and Eve not to eat any fruit in the garden.  At this point, Eve didn’t see a “talking snake” as a red flag.  She was a trusting sort — as people who used to be ribs often are.

Eve carefully explained to the snake that God said they could eat any fruit except for the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden.  The snake looked at Eve and knitted his eyebrows together questioningly.   (In those days snakes not only had eyebrows; they could also knit.)

“That’s not true, you will not die,” said the snake.  “God said that because He knows that when you eat that particular fruit you will be like God and know what is good and what is bad.”

“Well, you certainly seem to know a lot about trees, Snake,” Eve said. “Say, you wouldn’t happen to know if there’s any chocolate cupcake trees around here anywhere would you?”

“As a matter of fact, yes.” The snake answered. “That’s the one in the middle of the garden.”

“Seriously?”

“Absotively!  But God said you can’t eat from it so I guess it’s a mute point,”  the snake threw out there to see if it would stick.

Then, having successfully tempted Eve, the snake slithered away like he was all that and a bag of potatoes. (This was way before potato chips.)

Eve ran over to the chocolate cupcake tree and saw how beautiful it was growing there in the middle of the garden, it’s chocolate frosting glistening in the sunlight.  So she took some of the fruit and ate it and gave some to her husband and he also ate it.

Adam and Eve and the Cupcake Tree

Adam and Eve’s Sudden Understanding

Then Adam and Eve suddenly understood five things:  1) they suddenly understood they were naked 2) they suddenly understood they were going to have to sew some fig leaves together to make some clothes 3) they suddenly understood how to use the sewing machine 4) they suddenly understood chocolate cupcake fruit would go much better with a nice ice-cold glass of milk 5) they suddenly understood it was a big mistake to have eaten the cow.

Well that’s all the time Gregory had to tell us about his lesson in Sunday school today, Dear Readers, but check back next week to find out what happens when God sees chocolate cupcake crumbs on Adam and Eve’s faces.

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What God Did the Day After The Seventh Day

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory had to give a talk about what God did after creating the universe.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesWhat God did the Day After the Seventh Day

When God woke up bright and early on the eighth day after resting ad nasuem on the seventh day, He realized He had forgotten earth’s plants. He snapped his almighty fingers and said to Himself, “Doggone it!  I had to forget something!”

God also noticed that no seeds had sprouted because He had also forgotten to send any rain and there was no one to cultivate the land (or to blame his forgetfulness on).

But water would come up from beneath the surface of the ground.  So perhaps God took a little time out to congratulate Himself on having the wherewithal to install an underground sprinkling system.

Anyway, right after that, God took some soil — it was probably a little bit wet (possibly due to a broken sprinkler head) – and, without any mention of having taken any previous sculpting classes, God formed the soil into a man and breathed life-giving breath into his nostrils and the man began to live.  Which leads Biblical Scholars to conclude that even though the man was made out of dirt, he had no signs of dust allergies and wasn’t stuffy at all.

God Breath Life Into Adam Linda Vernon Humor

 

After that, God set the newly-formed man aside to give him time to “set-up” — the questions of whether or not he needed to be refrigerated during this process is what keeps Bible Scholars gainfully employed.

Then the Lord God planted a garden in Eden, in the East possibly because the neighborhood’s in West Eden were iffy in those days.  Nobody knows what the newly-formed man was doing while God was planting the garden. (Hopefully cleaning the dirt out from under his fingernails.)

Then God put the newly-formed man into the garden.

The man just sat there staring straight ahead like a newly-formed bump on a newly-formed log.  Then God made all kinds of beautiful trees grow there and produce good fruit.  In the middle of the garden stood the tree that gives life and the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad.

A stream flowed in Eden and watered the garden.  (Apparently the underground sprinkler system had already started giving God trouble.)

Then the Lord God placed the newly-formed man in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and guard it and started to leave but He couldn’t help noticing that the man was pulling up all the flowers and watering all the weeds. God decided that since the newly-formed man had only had dirt for brains a few short hours ago, he was probably going to need to give him a tad bit more instruction.

So the Lord said to the man:  You may eat the fruit of any tree in the garden, except the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad.  You must not eat the fruit of that tree, if you do you will die the same day.  Capish?

But the newly-formed man didn’t capish.

Well, Dear Readers, that’s as far as Gregory got in his oral report this week. Please check back next week to find out what happens when God has a bone to pick with Adam.  

Until next time. . . I love you

God instructs Adam Linda Vernon Humor

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The Ten Commandments

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers to the very last week of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Next week, Gregory will go back to attending regular Sunday School where the teacher will continue working her way through the bible, story by story.  

Since this is the last day of Vacation Bible School, the teacher asked Gregory to give a report about how Moses got the ten commandments.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

The Bible according to Gregory LInda Vernon HumorHow Moses Got the Ten Commandments

One bright shiny biblical morning, the Lord said to Moses, “Cut two stone tablets like the first ones, and I will write on them the words that were on the first tablets you broke. (Moses was all thumbs.)

So Moses cut two stone tablets and  lugged them all the way up to the top of Mount Sinai (the Lord’s favorite mountain).

Hey Hey You You Get Offa My Cloud!

The Lord came down in a cloud and stood with Moses, and the Lord pronounced his holy name which was pronounced “The Lord” and said to Moses, “I, the Lord, am a god who is full of compassion . . . but I will not fail to punish children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generations for the sins of their parents.” (The Lord was fond of starting his conversations in the middle of a thought.)

“I know you’re the Lord because you’re the only one I know who drives a cloud, ha ha!.”  Is what Moses might have wanted to say as well as point out to the Lord that keeping track of which grandkids of all those sinning great-grandparents to punish was going to be a real headache.

But the Lord was already onto the His next topic.  “I, the Lord, am going to do an awesome thing for you.”

“For Moi, Moses?”

“Oui ! Si! Ja! Da!” said the Lord who was toying with some new languages.

The Lord Smites the “ites”.

Then the Lord began listing all those he would drive out of their homes so his favorite kid, Moses, and all his friends could move in.  Moses knew from past experience that this was going to take a while, so he pulled up a rock and  began cleaning his fingernails with the hem of his robe.

“There’s the Amorites, the Canannites,” the Lord began “and the Hitites, the Perizzites, the Hivites and Amorites . . wait I already said them . . . I mean the . . . uh . . . ”

The Israelites?” Moses piped up.

“No, you guys are the Israelites, Moses!”

“Oh! Ha ha I knew that, I was just testing you.”

“No I , the Lord, am trying to think of that other tribe  . . .oh . . . what’s the name of those peoples?  It’s on the tip of my Almighty Tongue . . . ”

“I’ll bet it ends with an  “ite”!  Moses quipped.

The Lord shot Moses a look that said, “Don’t make me get my lightening bolt.”

I, the Lord, hope you’re writing all this down, Moses

Then the Lord started dictating a long list of covenants that Moses began chiseling into the stone tablets.  And he found he was actually able to keep up rather nicely and commended himself for having the wherewithal to take that Shorthand for Hebrews correspondence course last summer during the Great Sheep Industry Lull of Minus 2347.

Moses speed chiseled everything the Lord said for 20 days and 20 nights, and spent the following 20 days and 20 nights icing his carpal tunnel syndrome and  re-reading everything back to the Lord for accuracy.

Unfortunately for Moses, the Lord was so involved in what he was saying, he completely forgot to offer Moses anything to eat or drink  —  scholars believe this is because the Lord  wasn’t keen on doing his own cooking and Fresca hadn’t been invented yet.

The face that would have launched a thousand ships if they would have had any (ships, that is)

About the time everyone was giving up on ever seeing Moses again, here he came skiing down Mount Sinai (by now it was winter) carrying the Ten Commandments.

But everyone was afraid to go near Moses because they saw that his face was shining, either from having taken a couple of face plants in the snow (Moses was a horrible skier) or because he had been talking with the Lord for 40 days and nights.

Either way, Moses had to wear a veil over his face for the rest of his life whenever he talked to anyone except the lord because everybody found the shine from his face to be hugely distracting. (Sunglasses hadn’t been invented yet.)

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of the Bible According to Gregory.

The Bible According to Gregary Linda Vernon Humor

Until next time . . . I love you

Photo credit: Illustrators of the 1897 Bible Pictures and What They Teach Us by Charles Foster from wiki images

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Elijah and Elisha

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s vacation bible school.  Gregory is having a lot of fun at bible school this summer.  Today he was asked to tell the story of Elijah and Elisha.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

 Elijah and Elisha

Back in biblical days before the days of the week had names, everybody just said “and it came to pass” to refer to any day other than “today”.  On this particular “and so it came to pass” there were two bible men named Elijah (Eli) and Elisha (Fred).

The Very First Biblical Groupie

Eli was a traveling miracle performer and Fred was his devoted fan who followed Eli around everywhere he went like a little puppy dog.

Finally one day Eli just couldn’t take it anymore.

Eli:  Hey listen. Fred, it’s been great and all, but I just got word that the Lord is sending a whirlwind for me any minute now to take me up to heaven.  So I’ll see ya around.

Fred:    Yeah but where are you going now?

Eli:   The Jordan River.

Fred:  Oh I love the Jordan River!  I’ll come too!

Eli: There’s not enough room in the cart, sorry man.

Fred:  I see plenty of room in the cart!

Eli:  Yeah, but I like to stretch out.

Fred:   Oh right!  Gotcha!  I’ll just run along behind.

When they got to the Jordan River. Eli told Fred to stay where he was because in order to cross the river, he was going to have to part the water with his “all in one miracle cloak.”  (This was way before swimming had been invented.)

Fred: What?  You’re going to do some water parting?  Oh I love that!  I’ll come too.

Eli sighed and rolled his eyes, and while he was parting the river, he looked over at Fred who was dusting out Eli’s cart and fluffing Eli’s cart-pillow, and he felt a pang of guilt.

A Lovely Parting Gift

Eli:  Hey listen Fred.  I’d like to give you a lovely parting gift before the Lord’s whirlwind  comes to get me.  So what would you like?

Fred:  Oh gosh.  I need so many things.  Some new sandals maybe?

Eli:  Great new sandals it is!

Fred:  But then again I could use a new cloak.  This one’s got fig juice stains all over it.

Eli:  Great.

Fred:  No wait!  I know!  I’ll take a portion of your power that will make me your successor!

Just then the Lord’s Whirlwind pulled up and Eli got in and told the driver, “Heaven and make it snappy!”

And that was the last time Fred ever saw Eli again.

A Biblical Nervous Breakdown

Fred was so grief stricken, he had the usual biblical nervous breakdown which consisted of tearing at his fig-stained cloak and ripping it into shreds using nothing but his one good tooth and his fingernails.  (This was way before the invention of fingernail clippers.)

Then he spied Eli’s magic cloak laying on the ground and put it on.  Seconds later, the Jordan River parted, and Fred walked across and found 50 men there who immediately began bowing at his feet and telling him they would go find Eli for him.

Fred sat down and chugged big goblet of fig juice, while the men ran off to the mountains and valleys to look for Eli and came back and reported to Fred that Eli was nowhere to be found.

But Fred wasn’t listening anyway, because he was too busy marveling at how the fig juice he spilled all over Eli’s “all in one miracle cloak” hadn’t left a stain. (This was way before Tide Sticks had been invented.)

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Vacation Bible School school! Check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns about next.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Elijah Ascends on the Lord's fiery chariot to heaven