Gregorys Bible Stories

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Paul Sails for Rome

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Today Gregory was throwing spit wads so the teacher made him get up in front of the class and tell the story of the time Paul sailed to Rome.

Let’s listen in shall we?

Paul Sails for Rome

Today, our story begins just after the Apostle Paul has been released from prison in the town of Caesarea (home of the Caesarea Salad) after a little misunderstanding between Paul and some Asian Jews or perhaps they were Jewish Asians (Some scholars believe that was the crux of the misunderstanding right there).

Anyway, Julius, a Roman Centurion, and possibly founder of  Orange Julius, was to guard Paul while they sailed to Rome where Paul was to stand trial.  Julius was kind to Paul and let him drink all the Orange Julius he wanted on their voyage.

But as biblical sailing luck would have it, there soon arose a terrible storm.  So in keeping with biblical navigational law, everyone agreed that this would be a perfect time to set sail out onto the open sea, while at the same time double-checking that all the lifeboats were left safely on shore.

Paul tried to talk them all out of it, but they failed to heed his advice — even though Paul’s info came from his special ability to accurately predict weather conditions due to his apostle status with “The Big Cheese and The Little Cheese who were one in the same Cheese.”

The next thing you know, an extraordinarily strong wind kicked up — known as the North-Easter Wind — which was much worse than it sounded.

It just kept blowing and blowing and blowing so that by the next day everybody starting throwing cargo and/or up overboard. Julius even had to dump his oranges.

Bible According to Gregory Apostle Paul
“No Paul!  Not my oranges!”
“Hey listen, I just threw an entire case of Cesearea Salad Dressing overboard, we all have to make sacrifices, Julius.”

But that didn’t help, so they decided to throw the ship’s cutting-edge, navigational devices overboard, which, in those days, consisted of an anchor, a sun-dial and a magical goat purported to know right from left.

Finally, they  gave up and lowered the sail and let the ship be carried off by the wind, and that’s when Paul decided it would be the perfect time to get up and make a speech starting with “I hate to say I told you so but . . . ”

Before anyone could get close enough to wring Paul’s neck, he quickly explained that he had been visited by an angel of The Big Cheese who said they would lose the ship but not their lives.

After that, Paul insisted everyone have a nice meal together, which they did, except for Julius who was still pouting about his oranges.  Then they threw the rest of the wheat overboard just for kicks and giggles.

Shortly thereafter,  they spotted the shoreline of Malta, the ship broke apart, and everybody swam or kick floated to shore, and they all celebrated with the Maltan natives by partaking in a three-day fire, the biblical equivalent of a Luau.

While Paul was collecting firewood, a snake bit his hand and everyone took time out from the festivities to watch Paul die.  But not only did he not die, he felt so good he went ahead and healed everyone on the island of dysentery. (They even changed the name of the Island of Malta to the Island of Dysentery but changed it back when tourism started dropping off.)

Paul did make it a point, however,  not to drink any of the water after that.

And there you have it! This week’s edition of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Be sure and check back next week for more biblical adventures.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Jesus Heals a Man Born Blind

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , ,

Welcome Dear Reader to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Today Gregory’s Bible School Teacher told him to pick one of his favorite bible stories to tell.  Gregory chose to tell about the time Jesus healed a man born blind.

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesJesus Heals a Man Born Blind

When Jesus was alive, he was always having to contend with an annoying bunch of cry babies called the Pharisees.  The Pharisees were sticklers about working on the Sabbath because Old-Testament God hated that, and the Pharisees were Old-Testament God kiss ups of the worst kind.

A typical Sunday afternoon at a Pharisees house might have gone something like this: 

Pharisee Hubby:  Lilith, honey, would you mind getting me a fig?

Pharisee Wife:  What?  On the Sabbath?  Elijoshua Abraham Moses Euphrates! What in God’s name has gotten into you? Having me get you a fig is work, is it not?

Pharisee Hubby:  Whoops! What I meant was the next time you happen to get up to go to the bathroom or something — maybe could you just reach out and grab me a fig on your way back . . .   Lilith? . . .  Lilith, what are you doing with that grapevine, Lilith?

Pharisee Wife:  I’m calling the authorities and having you dragged off and stoned to death.  

Pharisee Hubby:  But why?

Pharisee Wife:  You wanted me to get you a fig.  That’s working!  And if I would have gotten you that fig, you were going to chew it, that’s working too.

Pharisee husband:  But, honey, I was just gonna keep the fig in my mouth until Monday morning and then chew it up!  Honest! We’ve been married 73 years. You’re being so harsh!

Pharisee wife:  Boo-Hoo.  Cry me a Jordan River, dead man.

Now, Jesus  was a workaholic when it came to healing the sick, and He didn’t pay much attention to what day of the week it was as being the son of God was a 24/7, 365 type of responsibility.

Anyway, one day Jesus and his disciples came upon a man who had been blind from birth.  His disciples wanted to know if the blind man was born blind because of his own sins (perhaps those he committed while coming down the birth canal) or if he was  born blind because of the sins of his parents?

Turns out neither one!  He was born blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him.

Anyway, since it was getting dark and the next day was the Sabbath, Jesus had to quickly get the blind man’s eyes healed since performing miracles was considered “work” and the Pharisees had taken to hiding behind bushes so they could catch Jesus working on the Sabbath.

So  Jesus quickly spat on the ground and made a big batch of  spittle mud and put it on the blind man’s eyes then told him to go to wash his face in the pool of Siloam.

The bible doesn’t mention  how the blind man found the pool of Siloam since he had been blind since birth, and even if he wasn’t he had two globs of mud over his eyes –but find it he did!   And not only did he have 20/20 vision when he washed the mud off; but also, his skin look fabulous!

After the blind man had washed the mud off his face,  some people began talking about him as though he wasn’t standing right there.

“Hey isn’t that the blind guy?”

“No I don’t think so.”

“Hello? I can hear you.” said the newly-sighted blind man.  “And yes it is me.”

“Oh, ” said the people. “Well, where did Jesus go?”

And the bible tells us that the blind man answered them by saying, “I don’t know.”

And that concludes today’s edition of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School. Be sure to drop by next Sunday for more exciting bible tales as told by, Gregory, the world’s worst Sunday School student to date.

Humorous bible Story

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Jesus and the Pool at Bethesda

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s Edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories! This week Gregory is still away a Vacation Bible School  learning about biblical swimming pools. 

Jesus and the Pool of Bethesda

It was time for the Annual Jews and Sabbath Potluck dinner and Jesus (who always got invited to everything) decided to attend.  Nobody knows what dish Jesus typically brought to these things, but chances are he just whipped up something Johnny on the spot.

Anyway, in order to get to the potluck, Jesus had to pass by the Jerusalem Sheep Gate behind which the sheep who were going to be sacrificed lived.

In biblical days people were cruel to sheep and kept them for the express purpose of killing and sacrificing them.  Unlike today, where people only keep sheep for the express purpose of killing and eating them.

While Jesus was walking past the Jerusalem Sheep Gate, he happened to look over and right next to the sheep gate was the Bethesda Memorial Healing Pool.  The pool had five porches upon which lay a lot of unhealthy people waiting to take a dip.

Some of the people were blind, some of the people were paralyzed and some of the people had a really bad case of eczema (sometimes called Leprosy).

This might be a good time to explain that the Bethesda Memorial Pool could cure disease if (and that’s a big if) you were lucky enough to be the first person to jump in the water after a heavenly angel would pop down and stir it with a Heavenly Egg Beater.

After that, the first person to jump in would get healed and everybody else was up the Bethesda Pool without a paddle until the angel with the Heavenly Egg Beater made another visit.

One man had been waiting in line to jump in the water for 38 years.  (It’s not as bad as it sounds because he was waiting in line while lying on his bed.)  Jesus saw him he asked, “Do you want to get well?”

The man answered something to the  effect that yes he did but he was too paralyzed to be the first one in the pool after the Heavenly Egg Beating.

So Jesus just cut to the chase and said to the man, “Get up, pick up your bed and walk.”

Jesus curing my by Bathesda Pool
“Get up, pick up your bed and walk.”
“Uh . . . are you sure, that’s not going to wreck my back? I’ve been laying down for 38 years.”

Now Jesus was telling the man to pick up his bed and walk, and this was a task that was considered work which was completely against the law on the Sabbath.

And sure enough, first thing Monday morning, the cured man was in deep trouble with the authorities for aimlessly wandering around carrying his bed on the Sabbath. (After 38 years laying by the pool, he couldn’t remember where he lived).

Authorities:  Who told you to carry your bed around on the Sabbath? You’re supposed to be resting.

Cured Man:  Sorry, I don’t remember his name . . . I’m terrible with names. I never forget a face though! 

Later that day while the cured man was praying in the temple (probably for directions back home), Jesus recognized him and said:

“Listen, you are well now, so stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”

Jesus must have been wearing his monogrammed robe because the cured man ran right to the authorities and told them the guy who cured him was named Jesus.

So the authorities hightailed it over to Jesus and demanded that Jesus explain to them why He had worked a healing on the Sabbath.

Jesus answered by saying, “My father is always working and I too must work.”

This really made the authorities mad.  Aside from thinking that Jesus and His Dad were Sabbath workaholics; they were also completely put off by the fact that Jesus said his Dad was God.

Naturally this made the authorities want to persecute and  kill Jesus even more than they already did.

And the cured man who was wandering around carrying his bed on the Sabbath?   Rumor has it he put his back out from hauling his bed around everywhere and ended up right back at the Bethesda Pool.

Robert Bateman (1836 - 1889) (Artist,
“Hey wait a minute . . . did I grab the wrong egg beater again?”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, I hope you’ll come back next week for another installment of Gregory’s Bible Stories

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: The 12 Disciples Coloring Book

Linda Vernon Coloring Pages, Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  This week Gregory was attending vacation bible school which is just like regular Sunday School only hotter and with a lot more coloring. Let’s see what Gregory got to color, shall we?

 Gregory Brings Home The Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

One day while Jesus was soaking up some rays at the sea of Galilee, he saw some fishing ships.  Well this gave Jesus an idea! He would make all the fishermen he saw, fishers of men!  So He got busy recruiting twelve disciples. 

So color along with us as we open the pages of the Twelve Disciples Coloring Book!

Simon was one of the first fishermen Jesus recruited.  He belonged to a sect called the Zealot Club where they spent a lot of time poo-pooing taxation and throwing darts at pictures of Pontius Pilate.

Simon

"Oops! Let me try it again. How about two out of three?"
“Okay, this one’s going right between his beady little eyes.  Oops!  How about two out of three?”

Andrew was known as the “introducer” because he introduced his brother, Simon to Jesus.  He and Simon owned a fishing business, and Andrew did all the marketing.

Andrew

Andrew
“Nice to meet ya! Hey, don’t forget to grab a business card before you leave!”

Bartholomew was in Jesus’s top six.  Jesus recognized Bartholomew as a man of imagination and vision.  Plus he had epically big guns!

Bartholomew

"Would you believe I only work out twice a week!"
“And I only work out twice a week!”

Then there was John. Besides being one of Jesus’s favorites disciples, John was the first person to recognize Jesus after Jesus resurrected. He later went on to write a  bestseller called “The Revelations”.

John

"Hey, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that Jesus?'
“Hey, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that Jesus over there?’

Then there was John’s brother, James.  James was one of the three disciples who made up Jesus’s inner circle.  James was the first disciple to succumb to martyrdom which in those days was fatal.

James

"A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?"
“A martyr? Me? Well what exactly does that entail?”

Another Disciple of Jesus’s was also named James.  Everybody called him James the Less because he was younger than the other James.  He kept telling everyone to call him Jimmy but it just never stuck.

James the Less

"Hey James the Lesser! Bring us some bread.""Not unless you call me Jimmy."
“Hey James the Less! Bring us some bread.”
“Not unless you call me Jimmy!”

Peter (or maybe Simon)

Peter’s name was actually Simon but everybody called him Peter for short except for Jesus who called him “The Rock” or possibly “Rocky” because of his  immovable faith.  And yet, after Jesus got arrested, Peter denied he knew Jesus three times until he heard a rooster crow which reminded him that oh yeah he did know Jesus after all!  Duh!

Peter “The Rock” Simon

Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle do know Jesus!"
Wait a minute . . . now that I think about it, I cock-a-doodle DO know Jesus!”

Another disciple was Thomas, who was cursed with the nagging doubts that are produced when an individual has low self-esteem combined with being a stickler for details. After Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe it until Jesus showed him the  nail prints and two pieces ID.

Thomas

" . . . uh . . . .hmmm. . . uh"
“Well uh . . .hmm!”

Then there was Jude.  Not to be confused with Judas.  Jude was the least famous of the disciples except for maybe James the Less who was Jude’s brother. Jude was the introverted disciple who never raised his hand and who laughed at everybody’s jokes but never made any himself.

Jude

Jude
“And that’s why the chicken crossed the road? Hahaha! Get out! That’s hilarious!”

One of the disciples was Mathew, who was the richest of the disciples before he gave up everything to follow Jesus.  He was a tax collector and was good with details.  Mathew always had a pencil in his had and took it upon himself to write down everything Jesus said word for word. Everybody thought he was hard of hearing because he was always asking Jesus, “What was that again?”

Matthew

"Can you say that one more time only slower?"
“Can you say that one more time,  Jesus, only slower?”

And finally there was Judas.  Judas was the disciple who said all the right things but who was slightly sketchy. But nobody suspected just how sketchy until after Jesus got arrested and suddenly Judas had 30 pieces of silver burning a hole in his robe pocket and he was buying everybody drinks and looking at expensive pyramids.  Of course, in the end Judas repented so that he could still get to heaven.

Judas

I'll repent just as soon as I'm done spending
I’ll repent the minute I get back from Las Bethlehemgas

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  The Twelve Disciple Coloring Book!  Gregory says have fun coloring and be sure to stay in the lines!

Until next time . . . I love you

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Sodom and the Elephant in the Room

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories!

Today in Sunday school Gregory learned about how God’s  two angels visited Abraham’s nephew, Lot, in beautiful downtown Sodom. It’s based as loosely on Genesis: 19: 1-10 — if you’d like to follow along.

Gregory's Bible Stories Sodom and the Elephant in the Room

One day, the Lord decided to do some evil-people spring cleaning so he sent two of his right-hand angels to Sodom to destroy every man, woman and child who lived there.

When the angels got to the gates of Sodom,  Abraham’s favorite nephew, Lot, was waiting for them. As they approached, Lot jumped up and ran over to greet them by bowing down before them.

Lot:  Welcome Angels!!  Hope you didn’t have any trouble finding the place.  My wife’s got a big bowl of water ready so we can wash your feet. We know how much you angels love a good foot washing. And then my wife will prepare you a fabulous dinner.

Angel #1:  What’s she making?

Lot:  Tacos.

Angel #2:  Out of what kind of meat?

Lot:  Good question.  You know I never thought to ask.

Angel #1:  Oh. well in that case, thanks for the offer but we’ll just spend the night out in the open, here in the Sodom city square. I’m sure we’ll be fine.

Lot:  Listen Angels, I wouldn’t advise that.

Angel #2:  Why?

Lot:  I’ll spare you the gory details, but everyone who lives in Sodom is horribly depraved.

Angel#1:  Really, you mean they don’t always return their library books on time?

Lot:  It’s worse than that I’m afraid.

Angel #2:  You mean they sneak and eat the last piece of Angel food cake without asking first if the Lord wants it?

Lot:  Worse than that even.

Angel #1:  Gasp!

Angel #2:  Gasp! Choke! Gasp!

The angels fumbled around in their between-wing backpacks until they found their asthma inhalers.  Then they all sat down and rested awhile and got to know each other better.  They were in the middle of exchanging their funniest foot-washing stories when it started to get dark.

Lot:  Aha ha ha!   . . . and you thought the bowl of dirty foot water was the soup? . . . ahaha . . . oh you guys are killing me.  Ha ha ha!  Ahhhhh!  But hey it’s getting dark, angels, we better hasten to my house and bolt the door shut, move the dresser in front of it, roll a huge boulder in front of that and then get the elephant to shore it all up with his trunk.

Angel #1:  Sounds like somebody got a new home security system!

Lot:  Yeah and if anybody breaks in and rapes us, we get one month free!

Angel #1:  Wow!  That a great deal.

So Lot and the two angels high tailed it over to his house.  Lot’s wife and daughters had just finished preparing the tacos and were sitting in the corner busily perfecting their foot washing techniques on the elephant’s feet and marveling, once again,  at how handy it was to have an elephant around the house.

Sometime after dinner:

Angel #1:  Those were great tacos, Mrs. Lot.

Mrs. Lot:  Thank you, but I thought I used a little too much–

Angel #1:   Salt?

Mrs. Lot:   You thought so too.

Angel #2:  What kind of meat was that, anyway?

Mrs. Lot:  It was—

Before Mrs. Lot could answer, an angry mob began pounding on Lots door.  

Lot:  Who is it?

Angry Mob:  It’s us.  Sodom’s angry mob of men, young and old.

Lot:  What do you want?

Angry Mob:  We want you to send out the two angels so we can–

Lot:  Have them go with you to return your library books?

Angry Mob.  Yeah that’s it.

Lot:  Well I have two daughters who could help you with that.  They’re virgins and spend most of their time at the library, so they know the fastest way there.

Lot’s daughter:  Dad!  Stop it!  You’re embarrassing us!  We don’t want to help them return their library books!

Lot:  One more word out of you, young lady, and I wont’ let you clean up after the elephant anymore.

Lot’s Daughter:  Sorry dad.

Angry Mob:  We’re going to keep pounding on this door until you open it.

Lot:  What shall we do?

Angel #1 to Angel #2:  We could strike them all blind.

Angel #2 to Angel #1:  That’s a thought.

Lot:  Or you could strike all of us deaf, and then we couldn’t hear the pounding.

Mrs. Lot:  But then we couldn’t hear the elephant, if he needed us.

Lot:  Good point.

Angel #1:  We could strike them so they can’t taste or smell anything.

Lot’s Wife:  How about striking us so we can’t smell anything.

Angel #1:  Why?

Lot’s Wife:  If you have to ask, you’ve never lived with an elephant.

Angel #1:  Let’s just go with my original idea to strike all of them blind.

Lot:  Okay fine.  But they’re pounding on the door already.  Won’t they still know where the door is?

Angel #2:  Lot.

Lot:  Yes?

Angel #2:  I think I hear your elephant calling.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today. Be sure to check back next week when the angels destroy Sodom and Lot’s wife becomes a pillar in the community.

Until next time . . . I love you

One evening at Lot's House
One evening at Lot’s House

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abraham Pleads for Sodom

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about God’s plan to wipe out Sodom. This week’s lesson is based loosely on Genesis 18: 16-33 if you’d like to follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAbraham Pleads for Sodom

One day three men came to visit Abraham.  Or at least they looked like three men to Abraham who was 99-years-old and hadn’t been able to find his cotton-pickin’ glasses since the dang deluge.

One of the men turned out to be The Lord, Himself,  who liked to travel  disguised as a man because He didn’t like getting stopped every ten minutes to pose to have his statue sculpted with hordes of Japanese tourists.

Anyway, Abraham and the three men went to a place where they could look down on Sodom. Some biblical scholars believe the place where Abraham and the three men went to look down on Sodom was on top of a hill where Abraham kept his collection of step ladders. (He was storing them for his friend Jacob.)

“But Lord, don’t you want to climb up on a ladder in order to look down on Sodom?”                                        “How can you even ask that, Abraham, when you know how I feel about heights?”

While Abraham and the Lord were looking down on Sodom, the Lord remarked to himself about what he planned to do regarding Sodom.  He said it so so quietly to Himself that only the bible could hear: “I will not hide from Abraham what I am going to do.  His descendant’s will become a great and mighty nation and through him I will bless all nations.”

Abraham:  Did you just say something, Lord?

The Lord:  I was just thinking about the sorry state of affairs in the city of Sodom, and that I may have to take some unpleasant action to remedy the situation.

Abraham:  I know! They really ruined that place when they cut down all the trees and put in all those one-way streets.

The Lord:  Yes something definitely has to be done, alright.

Abraham:  Are you’re going to make them plant trees and get rid of the one-way streets then?

The Lord:  No, actually  I was thinking more along the lines of slaughtering every single man, woman and child.

Abraham:  Whoa!  I hope you’re joking!

The Lord:  Oh Abraham, haven’t you spent enough time with me by now to know I have absolutely no sense of humor — and while we’re on the subject,  I’d like to know what’s so damn funny about the platypus!

Abraham:  But Lord, what if there are 50 innocent people living in Sodom? Wouldn’t you spare Sodom in order to save fifty innocent people?

The Lord: Meh.

Abraham:  But you are the Judge of all the Earth! Shouldn’t you act justly? I may be just a man, but that’s mega messed up if you ask me.

The Lord:  Oh Abraham, you’re so high strung.  Okay, fine.  If I find 50 innocent people living there I won’t destroy it.

Abraham:  But what if you only find 45?  Will you still destroy the city?

The Lord:  45?  Oh I don’t know. I guess I won’t if you’re going to get all fussy about it.

Abraham:  What about 40?

The Lord:  Oh for crying out loud, Abraham.  You’re so anal!  Okay fine.  I won’t massacre the entire population if there are 40 innocent people.

Abraham:  What about 30 or 20 or 10?

The Lord:  You’re annoying, you know that?  Okay, listen, if I find there are 10 innocent people in Sodom, I’ll icksnay on the aughterslay?   Happy?   Now go prepare me a sacrifice. I’m starving.

Abraham:  So you actually eat the sacrifices then?

The Lord:  Well no . . . I  . . . I just like to smell them cooking.  Sometimes I eat them.  It depends on how fat I’m feeling.  Prepare me a goat, Abraham.

Abraham:  Sorry, I sacrificed the last goat this morning.

The Lord:  What about lamb?

Abraham:  Fresh out.

The Lord:  Okay just give me a first-born calf then.

Abraham:  86 on the first-born calves.

The Lord:  Well what do you have?

Abraham:  How does roasted platypus sound?

The Lord:  Okay, but if there’s a bill, you’re not getting a tip.

Abraham:  Lord!  You sort of made a joke!

And a good laugh was had by all — except for The Lord who never got his own jokes.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when the three men go to Sodom and find out there’s worse things a city can have than too many one-streets.

"Don't feel bad about the Platypus Abraham. Next time just make it medium rare, that's all."
“Don’t feel bad about the Platypus, Abraham. Next time just make it medium rare and don’t give me the bill, that’s all I’m saying.”

Until next time . . . I love you

Holy Rollers! Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how Abraham got a surprise visit from three men with some unbelievable news concerning his wife, Sarah. This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 18: 1-15 if you would like to loosely follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesHoly Rollers!  Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

One hot biblical afternoon in the Sacred Trees of Mamre, Abraham was sitting in the entrance of his tent trying to get cool. The air-conditioning (hand-cranked) was on the blitz due to the fact that all his hand-cranking slaves were out sick with carpal tunnel syndrome.

Abraham was just sitting there relaxing, unraveling some stray threads on his robe when he looked up and saw three men standing nearby.  When Abraham saw them. he ran out to greet them and bowed to the ground.

Abraham could tell just by looking at them that they were pretty special.  (Some biblical scholars believe Abraham could tell the three men were special because they were all wearing robes that had God Squad printed in big Hebrew letters on the backs while other biblical scholars believe some biblical scholars are full of it.)

The conversation that followed might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Well hello there fellows!  It is me, Abraham, you’re humble servant.  Take a load off under that tree over there, while  I’ll run to fetch some water to wash your feet.  Not that they need it, or anything.

Three men:  Sounds good.

Abraham:  Oh and I’ll also bring you some food so that you may refresh yourselves.

Three men:  We sure could use some lawn chairs while you’re at it.

Abraham: Tell me about it!  Unfortunately my lawn-chair-weaver slaves are out sick with osteoarthritis.

Three men:  Very well,  just get us some food and wash our feet then.

Abraham:  I’m on it!

Abraham ran back to the tent to tell his wife, Sarah, about the three visitors.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Sarah, quick!  Get out the best flour and bake some bread, get all these tent pillows picked up, this place is a sty! And, you, slaves with the carpal tunnel syndrome! Look alive!

Sarah:  What’s going on?

Abraham: We’ve got important visitors.  Oh, for heavens sakes, Sarah, why are you still wearing  curlers in your hair when it’s eleven o’clock in the morning?

Sarah:  Can I help it if my curler-unfurling-slaves are all out sick with–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me.  Carpal tunnel syndrome?

Sarah:  No I think it’s tendonitis.

Abraham hurried out into his herd of cattle and picked out a calf that was tender and fat and handed it over to his barbecuing slave.

Abraham:  Here you go barbecuing slave.  Take this calf and cook it for the visitors. Make it medium rare and don’t forget to baste it.

Cooking Slave:  I can make it medium rare, but I won’t be able to baste it as I’m having a little trouble with my–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me. Tendonitis?

Cooking Slave:  No I think it’s Repetitive Strain Injury.

When everything was ready Abraham scurried out to the visitors.  He took them some meat, some cream and some milk and set the food before the men. He served them himself and they ate, and then they asked Abraham:

Three men:  Where’s your wife, Sarah?

Abraham:  She’s in the tent, she’s having a having a bad hair day.

One man who later turned out to be the Lord said:   Nine months from now I will come back and your wife Sarah will have a son.

When Sarah overheard this revelation from inside the tent, she laughed to herself because not only  was she too old to have a baby,  Abraham was 99, and Viagra hadn’t even been invented yet.  

The Lord:   Why does Sarah think she can’t have a baby?  I just heard her laughing to herself inside the tent. Is there anything too hard for the Lord?  As I said, nine months from now I will return  and Sarah will have a son.

Sarah:  I didn’t laugh, Lord.

The Lord:  Oh yes you did, Sarah!  I heard you!

Sarah:  What?  No, that’s the sound I always make when I have to yank out my own curlers.  It’s more of yelp than a laugh.

The Lord:  I know laughing when I hear it, and you were laughing.

Sarah:  No I wasn’t!

The Lord:  Yes you were!

Abraham:  Hey you two! What difference does it make?  It’s not like thousands of years from now people will be reading in the bible about whether or not the Lord overheard Sarah laughing . . . .

The Lord:  Well I suppose you’re right.

Abraham:  That’s the spirit! Now, who wants another foot washing — raise your hand!

The Lord:  I’ll take another one.

Abraham:  Great!  Listen would you mind if Sarah washed your feet instead of me.  All this foot washing is giving me–

The Lord:  Repetitive Strain Injury?.

Abraham:  No I think it’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when Abraham tries to think of something positive to say to say to the Lord about Sodom.

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Lord accuses Sarah of Laughing at him
The Lord, Sarah and Abraham

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God Changes Abram’s Name

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday school, Gregory learned about God’s covenant with Abram and how God gave Abram lots and lots of descendants in exchange for a little thing called circumcision.  This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 17: 1-27.  So please open your bibles to whatever page that is.

Gregory's Bible StoriesGod Puts the HA! in Abram

When Abram was 99 years young, the Lord appeared to him and said, “I am the almighty god, obey me and always do what is right.”

Even though Abram was in the middle of brushing his tooth, he bowed down with his face touching the ground. (In biblical times, 99-year-old’s backs were way more flexible than they are today.)

The Lord had some terrific news for Abram.  The Lord had decided to make a covenant with Abram promising that Abram would be the ancestor of many nations.

In biblical days this was the very best possible news imaginable because Numero Uno on everybody’s biblical bucket list was:  being the ancestor of many nations— except for Noah’s bucket list which was: invent rain slickers and Eve’s bucket list which was:  find out what the apple-pie fuss is all about.

Anyway, the good news didn’t end there!  The Lord was also going to give all Abram’s descendants the whole land of Canaan forever, and the best part was that He, the Lord, would be their God!   The conversation might have gone something like this:

The Lord:  Abram!  I’ve got such great news for you.  You might want to sit down for it.

Abram:  Uh . . .well, I’m already bowing with my face touching the ground, will that work?

The Lord:  You, my friend, are going to be an ancestor of many descendants!  Aren’t you excited?

Abram:  Sweet! Who’s going to be their god?

The Lord:  Oh that’s the best part! Moi!

Abram:  Woohoo!  Can I get up from my bowing position now and maybe go sit on my donkey for awhile — my back’s starting to hurt.

The Lord:  I’d rather you stayed bowing.

Abram:  Not a problem.

After that the Lord had some lawyers (on loan from Satan’s office) draw up a contract (which in those days was called a covenant) for Abram to agree to. The conversation might have gone something like this:

The Lord:  Okay, I’ve got the covenant ready that promises you lots and lots of descendants.

Abram:  Great!  Where do I sign?

The Lord:  Well I wasn’t going to have you sign as such.  As you don’t know, I haven’t gotten around to creating the ballpoint pen yet.

Abram:  Fine just hand me one of those chisels over there.

The Lord:  Well . . . actually, I thought it would be nice instead of signing the covenant with a signature, that you and all your descendants could sign with a circumcision.

Abram:  A circum what’n?

The Lord:    A circumcision– it’s just a little procedure-y thing. I’ll explain later.  Anyway,  I thought every baby boy when he is eight days old from now until the end of time could have a circumcision. That way, there would be a physical sign that my covenant with you is everlasting. Thoughts?

Abram: I’m not sure I like the sounds of that . . . .

The Lord:  Tell you what.   I’ll throw in the letters HA! into the middle of your name. Then instead of people calling you Abram, they will call you Abraham. What do you say?

Abram:  Does that include the exclamation point?

The Lord: Ha ha!  Tell you what I’m gonna do . . .  I’ll also change your wife’s name from Sarai to Sarah. I’ll bless her and give you a son by her, and I’ll name him Issac. Now that’s an offer you’re just not going to see anywhere else!

Abram:  Ha ha! Sorry Lord.  I can’t help laughing.

The Lord:  Why?

Abram:  Sarah is 90 years old!

The Lord:  Get out!  She doesn’t look a day over 80!  So what do you say?

Abram:  I don’t know.  A circumcision is a pretty steep price to pay even for a son.

The Lord: I see what you’re saying, but what if I told you I planned to spell Issac with not one, but two a’s . . .

Abram:   Two a’s you say?  You drive a hard bargain Lord!  It’s a deal!

The Lord:  Great! Now get off your knees, jump on your donkey and get yourself over there in the circumcision line.

Abram:  Do I have to?

The Lord:  Abraham! Don’t make me go Satan’s Lawyers on your ass.

Abram:  Okay okay! I’m going I’m going!

And that concludes what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week.  Please check back at this same time next week, when the Lord stops by Abraham’s tent unexpectedly — just in time for dinner!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Two Wrongs Don’t Make an “ite”

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.  

In today’s Sunday School Lesson, Gregory learned about how God planned to give Abram’s descendants all the land that belonged to the tribes that had names ending in “ite”.

Gregory's Bible StoriesTwo Wrongs Don’t Make an “Ite”

When last we left the Lord and Abram, (God’s new best friend after Noah died), the Lord had just commanded Abram to bring Him a cow, a goat and a ram as well as a dove and a pigeon.

Abram: Okay, Lord,  I just drove my ox cart through Mcsafcrifices and got you a Cow-Goat-Ram Happy Sacrifice Meal with a side order of Dove and Pigeon as per your command.  Let’s sit outside and enjoy it, shall we?  It’s a beautiful day.

The Lord:  Wait a minute!  I just opened my Happy Sacrifice box and I am displeased.

Abram:  Oh no, don’t tell me they forgot Your toy.

The Lord:  It seems someone failed to cut the cow, the ram and the goat in half and place the halves opposite each other in two rows like I specifically requested!

Abram:  Does that seem a tad  obsessive compulsive to you?

The Lord:  What are you trying to say?

Abram:  Well, Look how anally you always want your sacrifices laid out? If I had a ruler you’d probably want me to measure the distance inbetween each piece of meat.

The Lord:  Do you have a ruler?

Abram:  No I was just pointing out that–

The Lord:  Abram! Behold!  MaSacrifices’s put cheese on my Dove and my Pigeon!

Abram:  What’s the matter with that?  You no likee cheese, Lord?

The Lord:  Ahaha!  Oh Abram, nobody cracks me up like you do!

Abram:   Uh oh Lord!  Look out for that vulture! He’s trying to get your cheese pigeon! You better make that vulture disappear!

The Lord:  Ha ha very funny Abram.  You know I don’t make vultures disappear. That’s why I created man.

Abram:  You mean you created man to shoo away the vultures?

The Lord:  If the shoo fits . . .

Abram.  Ah ha! You’re so funny Lord!

The Lord: Well you know what they always say, “The Lord works in hilarious ways.”

After their picnic, when the sun was going down, Abram fell into a deep, deep sleep and fear and terror came over him.   (Mcsacrifices food always made him sleepy and gave him nightmares.)

The Lord:  Psst! Abram?  Are you asleep?  Well don’t bother waking up.  What I have to tell you is best heard while asleep.  Your descendants will be strangers in a foreign land; they will be slaves there and will be treated cruelly for four-hundred years.  What have you got to say about that?

Abram:  Glumpy habba woo woo hearth burl.

The Lord:  Good you’re still asleep.  Anyway some other bad stuff will happen.  But the good news is you’ll live to a ripe old age and be buried.

Abram:  Zzzzzzzzzzzzz!

The Lord:  I knew you’d love that part!

When the sun had set, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch suddenly appeared and passed between the pieces of animals.  Then and there the Lord made a covenant with Abram.

The Lord:  Abram, wake up.  I’m going to make a covenant with you!

Abram:  What’s a covenant again?

The Lord:    I promise to give to your descendants all this land from the border of Egypt to the Euphrates River, including the lands of the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites as well as the Perizzites, the Hittites and the-

Abram: The Dolomites?

The Lord:  Shh!  You’re getting me mixed up on my “ites.”  Let’s see, now where was I?  Oh yes, the Hittites and the Girgashites and the-

Abram:  The Vermiculites?

The Lord:  What? No!

Abram:  The Manhattanites?

The Lord:  Abram?

Abram:  Yes Lord?

The Lord:  You’re annoying the “ite” out of me.

Abram:  You want I should shoo some more vultures?

The Lord: Si Señor.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Abram learned in Sunday School this week.  Please check back next week when Abram’s wife’s slave becomes a surrogate mother and hilarity ensues.

Until next time . . . I love you

God's Covenent with Abram
God’s Covenant with Abram

 

Loosely based on Genesis 15: 9-21

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram’s 537 Thousand-ish Kids

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. 

In today’s Sunday School lesson, Gregory learned about how God told Abram he would have more descendants than stars in the sky, and he couldn’t help imagining how that conversation would have gone.

Gregory's Bible StoriesAbram’s 537 Thousand-ish  Kids

This week’s lesson is a continuation of the story of  God’s made-man, Abram, who filled the gap in God’s life after his bff Noah drowned. (Sadly, ark building leaves precious little time for swimming lessons.)

Property Procurement 

Last week, Abram had refused the King of Sodom’s kind offer to give Abram all the property Abram had procured from some people he killed. The very same property that had originally belonged to the King of Sodom who had procured it from some people he killed. (For more information about biblical property procurement, refer to the bible, pages 1-1600.)

Biblical scholars believe there are two reasons Abram gave the  King of Sodom’s property back:  1) Abram didn’t want people to say that keeping the King of Sodom’s property was the reason Abram became rich and 2) who knew where the King of Sodom’s property had been?

One day after a particularly trying day of biblical property procurement, Abram went to his tent, put out the Do Not וְנִבְהָ֑לְתִּי sign and lay down.   He was just drifting off when the Lord knocked on his tent (apparently the sign fell off before He had a chance to omnipotent it.)

The Lord:   Hey Wake up Abram!  I’ve got something to tell you.

Abram:  What?  Didn’t you see the Do Not וְנִבְהָ֑לְתִּי sign?

The Lord: Sign schmign!  I’ve got important news!

Abram:  It better be good.

The Lord: Well it’s this:  Do not be afraid, Abram I will shield you from danger and give you a great reward.

Abram: You woke me up for that?  What good will your reward be to me since I have no children? My only heir is my slave, Eliezer of Damascus, and I lost his address.

The Lord: This slave Eliezer of Damascus will not inherit your property.  You’re own son will inherit your property. Come outside with me!

Abram:  Can I at least change out of my jammies?

The Lord:  Look at the sky, Abram, and try to count the stars.

Abram:  Okay, one . . . two . . . three . . . four . . .

Two hours later:

Abram:  . . . 537,001, 537,002 . . .

The Lord:  I think you already counted that one.

Abram: Oops!  Make that 536,999 .. .

The Lord:  No that would make it 537,001.

Abram:  Are you sure?

The Lord raised His holy eyebrow most high.

Abram:  Okay okay.

The Lord:  Anyway never mind about the counting, Abram.  The point is that you will have more descendants than stars in the sky . . . isn’t that wonderful Abram? . . .   Abram? . . .  Hello!? . . .   Heaven to Abram!  What’s the matter, you look pale?

Abram:  I just thinking about all those school lunches I’m going to have to pack!

The Lord:  Ha ha!  Darn, I wish I wouldn’t have thrown away the mold I used to create your sense of humor!  Anyway, speaking of school lunches, bring me a cow, a goat and a ram, each of them three years old.

Abram:  One goat, one cow and one ram.Okay. I’m writing it down.  Is that all?

The Lord:  Did you get the  dove and the pigeon?

Abram:  No you didn’t say anything about a dove and a pigeon.

The Lord:  Oh yes I did.

Abram:  No  you didn’t.

The Lord shot Abram a don’t make me use the lightning look.

Abram:  Ha ha!  I was joking, Lord!  Of course I wrote down the dove and the pigeon.

The Lord:  Ahaha!  You know what, Abram?

Abram:  What?

The Lord:  You’re way funnier than Noah ever was.

Abram:  It’s a shame about the mold.

The Lord: Tell me about it.

And that concludes today’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories.  Please check back next week to find out what The Lord wants Abram to do with the cow, the goat, the ram and the dove and the pigeon! What could it be?

Until next time  . . . I love you

Abram counts stars Gregory's Bible Stories

 

Loosely based on Genesis 15: 1-9

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Great King of Sodom Camel Mix-up

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories. 

In today’s Sunday school lesson, Gregory learned about how Abram gave away the spoils of war to the King of Sodom.   He couldn’t help imagining how it all might have happened. 

 

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesThe Great King of Sodom Camel Mix-up

 

As you will remember from the last lesson, Abram (God’s new best friend after Noah died) had just rescued his nephew, Lot,  from five evil kings with unpronounceable names who had kidnapped Lot and held him captive at Chedorlaomer. (Pronounced -Chedder-lame-o — named after a biblical tribe of people who were horrible at making cheese.)

King of Sodom, the Camel

Then everybody went back to Abram’s place and they held a big celebration with the King of Sodom and the King of Salem.  The king of Salem later went on to have a cigarette named after him and, it is rumored, that the King of Sodom later went on to have a camel named after him.

The Feast

The King of Salem was also a priest of The God Most High, so when everyone had finished feasting on goat hotcakes and were sitting around smoking Salem’s cigarettes, they all started yelling “Speech! Speech!” because in biblical days listening to speeches was on everybody’s bucket list, even God’s.

The King of Salem whose name was Melchizedek (Mel) took the floor:

Mel:  Abram, may The God Most High who made heaven and earth bless you!  Be praised, Abram,  because you gave us victories over all our enemies and as a token of our appreciation we are giving you some–

Abram:  Goat hotcakes?

Mel:  No I was gonna say some bread and wine.

Abram:  Does the bread at least come with syrup?

Mel: Sorry no.

Abram:  Now wait a minute here, Mel.  After going to war and defeating five kings for you and your wives and your slaves and managing to save every one of your asses, this is the thanks I get from The God Most High?

Mel:  Apparently.   But let me double-check my  Excel Spread Stone.  Let’s see . . . yup  It says the standard reward for defeating five kings is Bread and Wine.  The standard reward for defeating four kings is Goat Hotcakes.

Abram:  I’ll take a downgrade then.

Mel:  You can’t take a downgrade!  Nobody ever takes a downgrade!

Abram:  Yeah, well I’m Abram, and I’m best friends with the Manager, The God Most High.

Mel:  Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?  Just let me run it by my supervisor first.

Abram:  Who’s that?

Mel:  The God Most Medium.

Mel walks to a corner of the tent, closes his eyes for a few minutes and then returns.

Abram:  So what’d he say?

Mel:  He said he can pull some strings and downgrade you to Goat Hotcakes but only if you give away ten percent of the loot you collected from the spoils battle.

Then the King of Sodom took the floor.

King of Sodom:  Look, Abram, you don’t have to give me anything.  I just want all my people back.  I love my people . . . maybe a little too much, but still!

Abram:  “I solemnly swear before the Lord, The God Most High, Maker of Heaven and Earth that I will not keep anything of yours, not even a thread or a sandal strap!”

King of Sodom:   What about buttons?

Abram:   . . . and therefore, King of Sodom, you can never say, ‘I am the one who made Abram rich’ because I will take nothing for myself. And furthermore, I will accept only what my men have used.

King of Sodom:  Well okay, suit yourself.  So I guess the only thing left to do now is load up the spoils of war onto the The King of Sodom’s back.

Abram:  I don’t believe my ears!  You mean, you, the King of Sodom, will be carrying the spoils of war on your back?

King of Sodom:  No silly! I was talking about King of Sodom, my camel.

And a good laugh was had by all.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this time to find out what Gregory learns about the bible next.  

Until next time . . . I love you

This story was loosely based on Genesis: 17-24

 

The Journey back to Sodom
The Journey back to Sodom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Pop Quiz Time

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories. 

Today’s Sunday school lesson will be a pop quiz. HA!   

 

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesPop Quiz Time

 

In the beginning God said:

a) let there be light

b) turn on the light

c) what’s wrong with this light

d) let there be Bud light

God created the world in:

a) Six days

b) a snit

c) vitro fertilization

d) all of the above

God created man in:

a) his own image

b) lieu of a better idea

c) his blue period

d) an inebriated state

God created Eve from:

a) Adam’s Rib

b) the goat bones left over from lunch

c) plastic bags, baling wire and four cans of creamed corn

d) plastic bags, baling wire and three cans of cream corn

Which fruit was forbidden in the Garden of Eden?

a) the apple

b) the chocolate-covered raisin

c) the plantain

d) The sun-dried tomato

Eve got talked into eating an apple by 

a) a snake

b) a nutritionist

c) Mary Tyler Moore

d) a holy ghost

God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden for:

a) taking one bite out of an apple, not finishing it and then flushing it down the toilet

b) trampling God’s flowers

c) forgetting to water

d) subletting to chimpanzees

Once Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden of Eden, they didn’t want to be naked anymore because:

a) They never got a call back after job interviews

b) Frying bacon was quite painful

c) There was nobody to admire their lack of tan lines

d) It got chilly.

Please put down your pencils down. 

If you answered”a” to all of the above questions, congratulations!  You have just turned the world on with your smile!

I’m afraid the rest of you will have to stay after class until you find all 8 biblical Mary Tyler Moore’s in the picture below.

Mary Tyler Moore in the bible

Until next time . . . I love (is all around no need to waste it) you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: 318 Goat Hotcakes to Go!

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.  

This week Gregory learned about how Abram took 318 fighting men to rescue his nephew, Lot, who had been captured by five kings.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining how it all might have happened.

Gregory's Bible Stories 318 Goat Hotcakes to Go!

In last week’s lesson, we learned that Abram’s nephew and business partner, Lot, had opened up a branch office of “Just Goats!” in beautiful downtown Sodom.

The goat business was booming in Sodom. Goats were selling like hotcakes!  (Thanks to Lots’ having finally perfected his recipe for goat-hotcake batter.)

One day,  on his way to the bank to deposit two pieces of silver, four camels, three bags of grain, and get a roll of chickens so he could make change, Lot heard news that four kings with unpronounceable names from unpronounceable places had gone to war with five kings whose names were even more unpronounceable than the four kings with unpronounceable names and the places they were from were so unpronounceable,  everybody just said ‘oh the hell with it’ and ordered more goat hotcakes.

Occasionally between bites someone would shout “Go Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzim from Ham!”  or we’ve got your back “Emim in the plain of Kirithaiaim!”  But mostly people just ignored the Ongoing Unpronounceable Name King Conflict preferring to eat goat hotcakes dripping in goat syrup with plenty of ox butter.

That is,  until the day five Kings with unpronounceable names rang Lots’ tent bell.

Lot:  Who is it?

Five Kings:  It’s five kings with unpronounceable names.  We just defeated the King of Sodom and now we are here to take you and all your possessions!

Lot:  There’s a King of Sodom?

Five Kings:  Yeah.

Lot:  How did you defeat him?

Five Kings:  It was easy.  He ran away and fell in a tar pit.

Lot:  You mean he died?

Five Kings:  No but he’ll be scrubbing up for the rest of his life. Now get your stuff we’re taking you and all your possession with us.

Lot:  Where?

Five Kings:  What difference does it make, you wouldn’t be able to pronounce it anyway.

Lot:  Good point.

When Abram heard that his nephew had been captured by five kings with unpronounceable names, he would have cursed them, but he had kind of a speech impediment to begin with, and he just didn’t have the time nor the inclination.

He did however call together all the 318 fighting men of his camp:

Abram: Fighting men!  Come hither!  Let’s see . . . one . . two . . . three . . . four . . . five . . . six . . . seven . . . eight . . . nine . . .

Random Fighting Man:  Whatcha doin’ Abram?

Abram:  Six . . . seven . . .wait no!  Nine . . .

Another Random Fight man:  Abram?  What are you doing?

Abram:  Seven . . . dammit!  I’m counting, idiots!

Yet another Random Fighting Man:  Can’t you sleep?

Abram and 318 give or take 12,000 (they just wouldn’t hold still) Fighting Men went to defeat the Kings that captured his nephew Lot.

Abram and his fighting men  pursued the five kings all the way to Dan.  (Who was asleep by the side of the road).

Then Abram divided his men into groups by estimating how many men would be in each group:

Random Fighting man:  Excuse me, Abram?

Abram:  What?

Random Fight Man:  Uh, I think you’ve divided us unevenly into fighting groups.   Aren’t you going to count us?

Abram:  Oh shut up and fight.

Not only did Abram and his 318 (but whose counting) fighting men defeat the five kings with unpronounceable names, they had chased them as far as  Hobah, north of Damascus, when all 318 of them got a mighty hankering:

Random Fighting Man:  Gosh I could sure go for some goat hotcakes right now.

Another Random Fight Man:  Me two!

Yet Another Random Fighting Man:  Me three!

Abram: I’m killing the next guy that counts.

Then Abram brought back his nephew, Lot, all of Lot’s possessions, including  Lot’s goat-hotcake-batter recipe, all of Lot’s animals, and even all of Lots cooking utensils right down to the spatulas and the women.

Then everybody drowned their sorrows in plenty of goat hotcakes, smothered in  goat syrup with plenty of ox butter and a good time was being had by all!

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Be sure to check back next week to see what happens next!  

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

Abram rescuing Lot

Based loosely on Genesis 14:1-16

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram Gets a Sweet Deal

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about what happened when Abram and Lot decided to go their separate ways after getting kicked out of Egypt.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining how everything might have happened.

GregoryThe Lord Gives Abram a Sweet Deal!

In last week’s lesson, Abram became the Lord’s new favorite person, and the only thing Abram had to do to maintain his status, as such, was move to Canaan and have  cart-loads of kids which in those days were called descendants.

But first Abram took a detour to Egypt where he told the Egyptian King it was okay for him to sleep with his sister who was really his wife causing the Lord to fire up his smiter and smite the Egyptian king with a biblical disease from The Lord’s Big Book of Biblical Diseases.

Long story short,  Abram and his wife, Sarai and his nephew, Lot, had to schlep all the way back to Caanan  carrying all the riches they managed to wheedle out of the Egyptian king once the Egyptian King gave them the ol’ pharaoh heave ho.

Then Abram and his nephew, Lot, started up a company called  “Just Goats!” conveniently located just off the cart path between Bethel and Ai.

Abram and Sarai looking at a goat or a sheep

Everything was going great until Lot started messing with the business plan:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, besides offering a senior discount for anybody over 600, I was thinking since we’ve got all these camels running around, we should start selling camels in addition to goats.

Abram:  Camels are disgusting. Nobody wants a camel.

Lot:  We could say they are super-sized goats.  Nobody will ever know the difference!

Abram:  Nobody wants a super-sized goat that’s really a camel.

Lot:  Then would you mind if I took the camels and opened my own business in beautiful downtown Sodom?

Abram:  You can do anything you want with those stupid camels as long as I don’t have to clean up after them.

Lot:  That won’t be a problem, Uncle, because everybody knows what happens in Sodom stays in Sodom, ha ha!  Get it?

Abram:  Sorry, I’m not much of a laugher.

So Lot took the camels and headed off for the Jordan Valley and Abram stayed in the land of Caanan with the Caananites and the Perizzites — a  pretzel-loving parasitic people.

As soon as Lot was out of hearing range, the Lord said to Abram:

Lord: From where you are look carefully in all directions — because I am going to give you all the land you see!

Abram:  Wow!  Thanks!  Would you mind if I got up on the roof first?

The Lord:  I am going to give you so many descendants that no one will be able to count them all!

Abram:  Uh, I’m not big on kids.  I mean the babies are cute — but as we all know, they eventually turn into teenagers.

The Lord:  It would be as easy to count all the specks of dust on earth!

Abram:  Are we still talking about kids?  I hope not.

The Lord:  Now go and look over the whole land because I am going to give it all to you!

Abram:  Gosh thanks, but would it possible to still get the land but maybe fewer kids?  Hello?  Lord? Hello?  Hello?

When the Lord quit answering  Abram’s calls, he decided to make the best of things by moving his goats, his slaves and his wife to a place called Mamre at Hebron.

There Abram build an altar to the Lord and hung out his  “Just Goats” shingle.  Then he settled into the long process  finding babysitters, interviewing nannies and building a cart-load of boarding schools.

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Please remember to check back next week to see what happens.

Abram's descendants

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about God’s new favorite person, Abram and his journey to Canaan.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining what that journey must have been like.

Gregory's bible stories by Linda VernonAbram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person

As you will remember from last week’s Tower of Babel lesson, the Lord made it clear that trying to build a tower to reach to heaven was numero uno on the list of boo boos in The Lord’s Big Book of Boo Boos.

So the Lord had no choice but to scatter mankind all over the earth and confuse the language so that if one man said, “please pass the unleavened bread,” the other man would respond by killing two donkeys,  marrying his sister and untying all his camels.

Life went on in this confusing way generation after generation.  The Lord didn’t really seem to notice anyone in particular until Abram came along.  Then the  Lord decided Abram was his new favorite person.

The Lord had big plans for Abram which included moving Abram, his wife, Sarai, his animals, all his stuff, his slaves and his nephew, Lot, to the land of Canaan.

 And so began their journey:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram!  Did you see that sign back there on the road?

Abram:  No what did it say?

Lot:  It said, Welcome to Canaan.  Sacred Tree of Moreh one mile!

Sarai:  Finally, I’m so hungry I could eat a goat.

Abram: Sorry Sarai, the goat is for a sacrifice to the Lord at the Sacred Tree of Morah where I’m going to build an alter.

Sarai:  Tell me about it!  I didn’t say the goat I said a goat.

Lot:  Uh oh, Uncle Abram.  It looks like we forgot to bring the alter building supplies.

Abram:  Oh nuts!  Everybody keep your eyes peeled for an alter supply store.

Abram and Sarai and Lot and all their animals and all their slaves and all their stuff were continuing on their journey to southern Canaan when a famine hit:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, I’m starving! When are we stopping for lunch?

Sarai:  Oh look, Abram, there’s a Goat Burger King!  Can we stop?

Goat Burger King employee:  May I take your order?

Abram:  Yes we’ll each have a goat burger, an order of figs and a large pottery vessel of water.

Goat Burger King employee:  Sorry we’re all out.

Abram:  Of goat burgers?

Goat Burger King Employee:  Of everything but the water.

Abram:  Fine just give us three waters then.

Goat Burger King Employee:  We’ll have to charge you for water.

Abram:  Why?

Goat Burger King Employee:  Because you’re not ordering any food.

Abram:  Listen here, young man! Perhaps I forgot to mention that I am the Lord’s favorite person on the planet, right now, and unless you enjoy being smited . . .

Goat Burger King Employee:  Three free waters comin’ right up!

After that Abram and all his stuff and his wife and his animals and all his slaves and his nephew, Lot, decided to take a detour to Egypt because there was a famine, and they thought they caught a whiff of baked goods coming from that direction.

Smelling Egyptian Baked Goods

Abram:  Listen Sarai.  You’re a beautiful woman.

Sarai:  Tell me about it.

Abram:  And, as such, the Egyptian king is going to take one look at you and want to kill me because I’m your husband.

Sarai:  Tell me about it.

Abram:  So I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind saying you’re my sister.  That way I can use my relationship to you to get lots of free stuff from the king.

Sarah:  Tell me about it!

So Abram told the King that Sarai was his sister and the king bought it hook, line and sinker and told Sarai that she could  not only sleep in the king’s palace but in the king’s master bedroom on the kings master bed right next to the king — if she didn’t snore too loudly which, as luck would have it, she didn’t.

The King was so pleased with Abram’s wife’s not snoring that he gifted Abram with sheep and cattle and goats and donkeys and slaves and camels.

But then the Lord found out about all the not snoring going on with the Egyptian King and Abram’s wife, Sarai, and it made Him so mad, He brought a terrible disease on the King and on the people of his palace so the Egyptian king sent for Abram:

Egyptian King:  The  Lord is super mad at me because Sarai is your wife, and we’ve been not snoring together all this time thus causing the Lord to bring down a terrible disease upon us! Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife?

Abram:  Uh . . . you didn’t ask?

Egyptian King:  Take all your stuff and your wife and your slaves and the Lot you brought with you, and get out!

Abram:  Do I get to keep all the sheep and the  cattle and the slaves you gave me?

Egyptian King:  Are you kidding me? There is absolutely no way!

Abram:  I don’t really care, but the Lord was wondering . . .

Egyptian King:  Like I said there is absolutely no way!  No way you’re not going to take them with you as my lovely parting gift, that is!

So Abram and his wife and his nephew, Lot, and all his stuff, and his slaves and his animals went north out of Egypt.

Lot:  Jeepers, we sure made out like bandits in Egypt didn’t we, Uncle Abram?

Abram:  You can say that again, right Sarai?

Sarai:  Tell me about it!

Abram and the King of Egypt

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Remember to check back next week at this time to see what happens next!

Until next time . . . I love you