funny bible stories

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories!

Today in Sunday school Gregory gave an oral report on how Lot’s family manged to escape the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and their Chamber of Commerce mixer.gregory

 

 Escaping The Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce Mixer

One biblical evening in Sodom when Lot, his wife, Betty, and his two daughters, Mary Magdalene Kate and Ashley were about to sit down to feast with two of God’s best-looking angels, an angry mob began pounding on Lot’s door.

Lot:  Who is it?

Angry mob:  Tis us– the Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce. We came to get God’s two best-looking angels and take them to our Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce mixer.

Best Looking Angel #1:  Would you mind telling them, Lot,  that we’d rather die but thanks anyway?

Best Looking Angel #2:  Oh and speaking of dying, Lot,  I almost forgot our whole reason for coming.  HA!   The Lord sent us to get you and your relatives out of Sodom and Gomorrah before He pushes His almighty destruction button and turns it to Smithereens.

Lot:   Smithereens?  Are you sure you don’t mean Nazarenes?

BLA #2:  No.  You see the Lord is going to wipe Sodom and Gomorrah off the face of the planet.

Lot:  What’s a planet?

BLA#2:  Oy!  Okay let me put it in a way you’re more likely to understand.  How would you like to hear a Sodom and Gomorrah knock knock joke?

Lot:  Sure.

BLA #2:  Knock knock

Lot:  Who’s there

BLA#2:  Armageddon

Lot:  Armageddon who?

BLA#2:  Armageddon through to you?  If the Lord destroys Sodom and Gomorrah, you’ll be toast!

Lot:  But I love toast. Shall I let the Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce in now?

Suddenly one of the angels looked into the sky and saw that it was partly cloudy with a 90 percent chance of burning sulfur rain.   So they took the hands of  Lot and his wife and daughters and lead them out of the city of Sodom and told them to run for their lives up into the mountains lest they become toast.

Lot:  But my feet are killing me as my sandals have no arch support.  Couldn’t we just go to that little town up ahead?

The Lord:  (this is where the Lord decided to get in on the conversation):  All right, I agree.  I won’t destroy that town.  Hurry Run!  I can’t do anything until you get there.

The sun was rising when Lot and his family schlepped into the little town that Lot had renamed Zoar on the way there because he thought Zoar meant “little town”  but it really meant “good arch support” but nobody had the heart to tell him that.

Everybody wanted to watch as the Lord rained down burning sulfur on the city of Sodom and Gomorrah but nobody did except for Betty who instantly turned into a pillar of salt — which of course left Lot feeling horrible.

After that, Lot was  forced to grieve alone as there were even fewer support groups for Pillar of Salt Widowers than there are today.

Luckily Lot was able to finally recover from his grief and went on to become a charter member of the Zoar Chamber of Commerce where he made sure toast was served at all the mixers.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School. Stay tuned next week to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

a picture of Sodom and Gomorrah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Elijah and Elisha

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s vacation bible school.  Gregory is having a lot of fun at bible school this summer.  Today he was asked to tell the story of Elijah and Elisha.

Gregory of the Bible According to Gregory Linda Vernon Humor

 Elijah and Elisha

Back in biblical days before the days of the week had names, everybody just said “and it came to pass” to refer to any day other than “today”.  On this particular “and so it came to pass” there were two bible men named Elijah (Eli) and Elisha (Fred).

The Very First Biblical Groupie

Eli was a traveling miracle performer and Fred was his devoted fan who followed Eli around everywhere he went like a little puppy dog.

Finally one day Eli just couldn’t take it anymore.

Eli:  Hey listen. Fred, it’s been great and all, but I just got word that the Lord is sending a whirlwind for me any minute now to take me up to heaven.  So I’ll see ya around.

Fred:    Yeah but where are you going now?

Eli:   The Jordan River.

Fred:  Oh I love the Jordan River!  I’ll come too!

Eli: There’s not enough room in the cart, sorry man.

Fred:  I see plenty of room in the cart!

Eli:  Yeah, but I like to stretch out.

Fred:   Oh right!  Gotcha!  I’ll just run along behind.

When they got to the Jordan River. Eli told Fred to stay where he was because in order to cross the river, he was going to have to part the water with his “all in one miracle cloak.”  (This was way before swimming had been invented.)

Fred: What?  You’re going to do some water parting?  Oh I love that!  I’ll come too.

Eli sighed and rolled his eyes, and while he was parting the river, he looked over at Fred who was dusting out Eli’s cart and fluffing Eli’s cart-pillow, and he felt a pang of guilt.

A Lovely Parting Gift

Eli:  Hey listen Fred.  I’d like to give you a lovely parting gift before the Lord’s whirlwind  comes to get me.  So what would you like?

Fred:  Oh gosh.  I need so many things.  Some new sandals maybe?

Eli:  Great new sandals it is!

Fred:  But then again I could use a new cloak.  This one’s got fig juice stains all over it.

Eli:  Great.

Fred:  No wait!  I know!  I’ll take a portion of your power that will make me your successor!

Just then the Lord’s Whirlwind pulled up and Eli got in and told the driver, “Heaven and make it snappy!”

And that was the last time Fred ever saw Eli again.

A Biblical Nervous Breakdown

Fred was so grief stricken, he had the usual biblical nervous breakdown which consisted of tearing at his fig-stained cloak and ripping it into shreds using nothing but his one good tooth and his fingernails.  (This was way before the invention of fingernail clippers.)

Then he spied Eli’s magic cloak laying on the ground and put it on.  Seconds later, the Jordan River parted, and Fred walked across and found 50 men there who immediately began bowing at his feet and telling him they would go find Eli for him.

Fred sat down and chugged big goblet of fig juice, while the men ran off to the mountains and valleys to look for Eli and came back and reported to Fred that Eli was nowhere to be found.

But Fred wasn’t listening anyway, because he was too busy marveling at how the fig juice he spilled all over Eli’s “all in one miracle cloak” hadn’t left a stain. (This was way before Tide Sticks had been invented.)

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Vacation Bible School school! Check back next week at this same time to see what Gregory learns about next.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Elijah Ascends on the Lord's fiery chariot to heaven

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Paul Sails for Rome

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Today Gregory was throwing spit wads so the teacher made him get up in front of the class and tell the story of the time Paul sailed to Rome.

Let’s listen in shall we?

Paul Sails for Rome

Today, our story begins just after the Apostle Paul has been released from prison in the town of Caesarea (home of the Caesarea Salad) after a little misunderstanding between Paul and some Asian Jews or perhaps they were Jewish Asians (Some scholars believe that was the crux of the misunderstanding right there).

Anyway, Julius, a Roman Centurion, and possibly founder of  Orange Julius, was to guard Paul while they sailed to Rome where Paul was to stand trial.  Julius was kind to Paul and let him drink all the Orange Julius he wanted on their voyage.

But as biblical sailing luck would have it, there soon arose a terrible storm.  So in keeping with biblical navigational law, everyone agreed that this would be a perfect time to set sail out onto the open sea, while at the same time double-checking that all the lifeboats were left safely on shore.

Paul tried to talk them all out of it, but they failed to heed his advice — even though Paul’s info came from his special ability to accurately predict weather conditions due to his apostle status with “The Big Cheese and The Little Cheese who were one in the same Cheese.”

The next thing you know, an extraordinarily strong wind kicked up — known as the North-Easter Wind — which was much worse than it sounded.

It just kept blowing and blowing and blowing so that by the next day everybody starting throwing cargo and/or up overboard. Julius even had to dump his oranges.

Bible According to Gregory Apostle Paul
“No Paul!  Not my oranges!”
“Hey listen, I just threw an entire case of Cesearea Salad Dressing overboard, we all have to make sacrifices, Julius.”

But that didn’t help, so they decided to throw the ship’s cutting-edge, navigational devices overboard, which, in those days, consisted of an anchor, a sun-dial and a magical goat purported to know right from left.

Finally, they  gave up and lowered the sail and let the ship be carried off by the wind, and that’s when Paul decided it would be the perfect time to get up and make a speech starting with “I hate to say I told you so but . . . ”

Before anyone could get close enough to wring Paul’s neck, he quickly explained that he had been visited by an angel of The Big Cheese who said they would lose the ship but not their lives.

After that, Paul insisted everyone have a nice meal together, which they did, except for Julius who was still pouting about his oranges.  Then they threw the rest of the wheat overboard just for kicks and giggles.

Shortly thereafter,  they spotted the shoreline of Malta, the ship broke apart, and everybody swam or kick floated to shore, and they all celebrated with the Maltan natives by partaking in a three-day fire, the biblical equivalent of a Luau.

While Paul was collecting firewood, a snake bit his hand and everyone took time out from the festivities to watch Paul die.  But not only did he not die, he felt so good he went ahead and healed everyone on the island of dysentery. (They even changed the name of the Island of Malta to the Island of Dysentery but changed it back when tourism started dropping off.)

Paul did make it a point, however,  not to drink any of the water after that.

And there you have it! This week’s edition of Gregory’s Vacation Bible School.  Be sure and check back next week for more biblical adventures.

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Vacation Bible School: Jesus and the Pool at Bethesda

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s Edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories! This week Gregory is still away a Vacation Bible School  learning about biblical swimming pools. 

Jesus and the Pool of Bethesda

It was time for the Annual Jews and Sabbath Potluck dinner and Jesus (who always got invited to everything) decided to attend.  Nobody knows what dish Jesus typically brought to these things, but chances are he just whipped up something Johnny on the spot.

Anyway, in order to get to the potluck, Jesus had to pass by the Jerusalem Sheep Gate behind which the sheep who were going to be sacrificed lived.

In biblical days people were cruel to sheep and kept them for the express purpose of killing and sacrificing them.  Unlike today, where people only keep sheep for the express purpose of killing and eating them.

While Jesus was walking past the Jerusalem Sheep Gate, he happened to look over and right next to the sheep gate was the Bethesda Memorial Healing Pool.  The pool had five porches upon which lay a lot of unhealthy people waiting to take a dip.

Some of the people were blind, some of the people were paralyzed and some of the people had a really bad case of eczema (sometimes called Leprosy).

This might be a good time to explain that the Bethesda Memorial Pool could cure disease if (and that’s a big if) you were lucky enough to be the first person to jump in the water after a heavenly angel would pop down and stir it with a Heavenly Egg Beater.

After that, the first person to jump in would get healed and everybody else was up the Bethesda Pool without a paddle until the angel with the Heavenly Egg Beater made another visit.

One man had been waiting in line to jump in the water for 38 years.  (It’s not as bad as it sounds because he was waiting in line while lying on his bed.)  Jesus saw him he asked, “Do you want to get well?”

The man answered something to the  effect that yes he did but he was too paralyzed to be the first one in the pool after the Heavenly Egg Beating.

So Jesus just cut to the chase and said to the man, “Get up, pick up your bed and walk.”

Jesus curing my by Bathesda Pool
“Get up, pick up your bed and walk.”
“Uh . . . are you sure, that’s not going to wreck my back? I’ve been laying down for 38 years.”

Now Jesus was telling the man to pick up his bed and walk, and this was a task that was considered work which was completely against the law on the Sabbath.

And sure enough, first thing Monday morning, the cured man was in deep trouble with the authorities for aimlessly wandering around carrying his bed on the Sabbath. (After 38 years laying by the pool, he couldn’t remember where he lived).

Authorities:  Who told you to carry your bed around on the Sabbath? You’re supposed to be resting.

Cured Man:  Sorry, I don’t remember his name . . . I’m terrible with names. I never forget a face though! 

Later that day while the cured man was praying in the temple (probably for directions back home), Jesus recognized him and said:

“Listen, you are well now, so stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.”

Jesus must have been wearing his monogrammed robe because the cured man ran right to the authorities and told them the guy who cured him was named Jesus.

So the authorities hightailed it over to Jesus and demanded that Jesus explain to them why He had worked a healing on the Sabbath.

Jesus answered by saying, “My father is always working and I too must work.”

This really made the authorities mad.  Aside from thinking that Jesus and His Dad were Sabbath workaholics; they were also completely put off by the fact that Jesus said his Dad was God.

Naturally this made the authorities want to persecute and  kill Jesus even more than they already did.

And the cured man who was wandering around carrying his bed on the Sabbath?   Rumor has it he put his back out from hauling his bed around everywhere and ended up right back at the Bethesda Pool.

Robert Bateman (1836 - 1889) (Artist,
“Hey wait a minute . . . did I grab the wrong egg beater again?”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, I hope you’ll come back next week for another installment of Gregory’s Bible Stories

Until next time . . . I love you

Holy Rollers! Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how Abraham got a surprise visit from three men with some unbelievable news concerning his wife, Sarah. This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 18: 1-15 if you would like to loosely follow along.

Gregory's Bible StoriesHoly Rollers!  Sarah’s Bad Hair Day!

One hot biblical afternoon in the Sacred Trees of Mamre, Abraham was sitting in the entrance of his tent trying to get cool. The air-conditioning (hand-cranked) was on the blitz due to the fact that all his hand-cranking slaves were out sick with carpal tunnel syndrome.

Abraham was just sitting there relaxing, unraveling some stray threads on his robe when he looked up and saw three men standing nearby.  When Abraham saw them. he ran out to greet them and bowed to the ground.

Abraham could tell just by looking at them that they were pretty special.  (Some biblical scholars believe Abraham could tell the three men were special because they were all wearing robes that had God Squad printed in big Hebrew letters on the backs while other biblical scholars believe some biblical scholars are full of it.)

The conversation that followed might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Well hello there fellows!  It is me, Abraham, you’re humble servant.  Take a load off under that tree over there, while  I’ll run to fetch some water to wash your feet.  Not that they need it, or anything.

Three men:  Sounds good.

Abraham:  Oh and I’ll also bring you some food so that you may refresh yourselves.

Three men:  We sure could use some lawn chairs while you’re at it.

Abraham: Tell me about it!  Unfortunately my lawn-chair-weaver slaves are out sick with osteoarthritis.

Three men:  Very well,  just get us some food and wash our feet then.

Abraham:  I’m on it!

Abraham ran back to the tent to tell his wife, Sarah, about the three visitors.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

Abraham:  Sarah, quick!  Get out the best flour and bake some bread, get all these tent pillows picked up, this place is a sty! And, you, slaves with the carpal tunnel syndrome! Look alive!

Sarah:  What’s going on?

Abraham: We’ve got important visitors.  Oh, for heavens sakes, Sarah, why are you still wearing  curlers in your hair when it’s eleven o’clock in the morning?

Sarah:  Can I help it if my curler-unfurling-slaves are all out sick with–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me.  Carpal tunnel syndrome?

Sarah:  No I think it’s tendonitis.

Abraham hurried out into his herd of cattle and picked out a calf that was tender and fat and handed it over to his barbecuing slave.

Abraham:  Here you go barbecuing slave.  Take this calf and cook it for the visitors. Make it medium rare and don’t forget to baste it.

Cooking Slave:  I can make it medium rare, but I won’t be able to baste it as I’m having a little trouble with my–

Abraham:  Don’t tell me. Tendonitis?

Cooking Slave:  No I think it’s Repetitive Strain Injury.

When everything was ready Abraham scurried out to the visitors.  He took them some meat, some cream and some milk and set the food before the men. He served them himself and they ate, and then they asked Abraham:

Three men:  Where’s your wife, Sarah?

Abraham:  She’s in the tent, she’s having a having a bad hair day.

One man who later turned out to be the Lord said:   Nine months from now I will come back and your wife Sarah will have a son.

When Sarah overheard this revelation from inside the tent, she laughed to herself because not only  was she too old to have a baby,  Abraham was 99, and Viagra hadn’t even been invented yet.  

The Lord:   Why does Sarah think she can’t have a baby?  I just heard her laughing to herself inside the tent. Is there anything too hard for the Lord?  As I said, nine months from now I will return  and Sarah will have a son.

Sarah:  I didn’t laugh, Lord.

The Lord:  Oh yes you did, Sarah!  I heard you!

Sarah:  What?  No, that’s the sound I always make when I have to yank out my own curlers.  It’s more of yelp than a laugh.

The Lord:  I know laughing when I hear it, and you were laughing.

Sarah:  No I wasn’t!

The Lord:  Yes you were!

Abraham:  Hey you two! What difference does it make?  It’s not like thousands of years from now people will be reading in the bible about whether or not the Lord overheard Sarah laughing . . . .

The Lord:  Well I suppose you’re right.

Abraham:  That’s the spirit! Now, who wants another foot washing — raise your hand!

The Lord:  I’ll take another one.

Abraham:  Great!  Listen would you mind if Sarah washed your feet instead of me.  All this foot washing is giving me–

The Lord:  Repetitive Strain Injury?.

Abraham:  No I think it’s Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School today.  Please check back next week when Abraham tries to think of something positive to say to say to the Lord about Sodom.

Until next time  . . . I love you

The Lord accuses Sarah of Laughing at him
The Lord, Sarah and Abraham

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: God Changes Abram’s Name

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday school, Gregory learned about God’s covenant with Abram and how God gave Abram lots and lots of descendants in exchange for a little thing called circumcision.  This week’s story is loosely based on Genesis 17: 1-27.  So please open your bibles to whatever page that is.

Gregory's Bible StoriesGod Puts the HA! in Abram

When Abram was 99 years young, the Lord appeared to him and said, “I am the almighty god, obey me and always do what is right.”

Even though Abram was in the middle of brushing his tooth, he bowed down with his face touching the ground. (In biblical times, 99-year-old’s backs were way more flexible than they are today.)

The Lord had some terrific news for Abram.  The Lord had decided to make a covenant with Abram promising that Abram would be the ancestor of many nations.

In biblical days this was the very best possible news imaginable because Numero Uno on everybody’s biblical bucket list was:  being the ancestor of many nations— except for Noah’s bucket list which was: invent rain slickers and Eve’s bucket list which was:  find out what the apple-pie fuss is all about.

Anyway, the good news didn’t end there!  The Lord was also going to give all Abram’s descendants the whole land of Canaan forever, and the best part was that He, the Lord, would be their God!   The conversation might have gone something like this:

The Lord:  Abram!  I’ve got such great news for you.  You might want to sit down for it.

Abram:  Uh . . .well, I’m already bowing with my face touching the ground, will that work?

The Lord:  You, my friend, are going to be an ancestor of many descendants!  Aren’t you excited?

Abram:  Sweet! Who’s going to be their god?

The Lord:  Oh that’s the best part! Moi!

Abram:  Woohoo!  Can I get up from my bowing position now and maybe go sit on my donkey for awhile — my back’s starting to hurt.

The Lord:  I’d rather you stayed bowing.

Abram:  Not a problem.

After that the Lord had some lawyers (on loan from Satan’s office) draw up a contract (which in those days was called a covenant) for Abram to agree to. The conversation might have gone something like this:

The Lord:  Okay, I’ve got the covenant ready that promises you lots and lots of descendants.

Abram:  Great!  Where do I sign?

The Lord:  Well I wasn’t going to have you sign as such.  As you don’t know, I haven’t gotten around to creating the ballpoint pen yet.

Abram:  Fine just hand me one of those chisels over there.

The Lord:  Well . . . actually, I thought it would be nice instead of signing the covenant with a signature, that you and all your descendants could sign with a circumcision.

Abram:  A circum what’n?

The Lord:    A circumcision– it’s just a little procedure-y thing. I’ll explain later.  Anyway,  I thought every baby boy when he is eight days old from now until the end of time could have a circumcision. That way, there would be a physical sign that my covenant with you is everlasting. Thoughts?

Abram: I’m not sure I like the sounds of that . . . .

The Lord:  Tell you what.   I’ll throw in the letters HA! into the middle of your name. Then instead of people calling you Abram, they will call you Abraham. What do you say?

Abram:  Does that include the exclamation point?

The Lord: Ha ha!  Tell you what I’m gonna do . . .  I’ll also change your wife’s name from Sarai to Sarah. I’ll bless her and give you a son by her, and I’ll name him Issac. Now that’s an offer you’re just not going to see anywhere else!

Abram:  Ha ha! Sorry Lord.  I can’t help laughing.

The Lord:  Why?

Abram:  Sarah is 90 years old!

The Lord:  Get out!  She doesn’t look a day over 80!  So what do you say?

Abram:  I don’t know.  A circumcision is a pretty steep price to pay even for a son.

The Lord: I see what you’re saying, but what if I told you I planned to spell Issac with not one, but two a’s . . .

Abram:   Two a’s you say?  You drive a hard bargain Lord!  It’s a deal!

The Lord:  Great! Now get off your knees, jump on your donkey and get yourself over there in the circumcision line.

Abram:  Do I have to?

The Lord:  Abraham! Don’t make me go Satan’s Lawyers on your ass.

Abram:  Okay okay! I’m going I’m going!

And that concludes what Gregory learned in Sunday school this week.  Please check back at this same time next week, when the Lord stops by Abraham’s tent unexpectedly — just in time for dinner!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: But Must We Call Him Ishmael?

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Reader to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today Gregory learned about how Abram’s wife Sarah was having a little trouble with her slave, Hagar, when she decided that Hagar should go to bed with her 86-year-old husband and bear his child.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining what that conversation must have been like.

Gregory's Bible StoriesBut Must We Call Him Ishmael?

One biblical day, when God’s pal, Abram, was 86 years old, Abram’s wife, Sarah, noticed they didn’t have any children.  And what with Abram being 86 and all, Sarah got the terrific idea that instead of her having kids with Abram, Abram should have kids with her slave, Hagar, instead.  The conversation might have gone something like this:

Sarah:  Say Abram I’ve been thinking about your descendants.

Abram:  Uh huh.

Sarah:  I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not but we don’t had any kids.

Abram: Uh huh.

Sarah:  And, frankly, while it would have been nice to have some little Abrams and Sarahs running around, I’m over it.

Abram:  Uh huh.

Sarah:  And since I know the Lord was planning for you to have more descendants than you could count, I thought it might be fun for my slave girl, Hagar, to start the ol’ descendant ball rolling– if you get my drift.

 Abram:  Uh huh.  Is she pretty?

Sarah:  Is Hagar pretty?  Uh . . well, let me put it this way, she’s got a great personality and nobody sews a better pair of men’s slacks than Hagar.

Abram:  Uh huh.

Sarah:  You want I should send her over to your tent tonight?

Abram:  Uh huh.

Abram Sarah and Hagar
One day in Abram’s tent

Eight and a half months later:

Sarah:  Abram, I’ve had it with Hagar, ever since she become pregnant with your child she despises me. And it’s all your fault!

Abram:  Uh huh.

Sarah:  Would you mind if I treated Hagar cruelly?

Abram:  Uh huh.

Sarah:  Should I take that “uh huh” as a “go for it”?

Abram:  Uh huh.

An hour later:

Sarah:  Well I hope you’re happy Abram.  You said I could treat Hagar cruelly, guess what?  She ran away.  Happy?

Abram:  Uh huh.

45 minutes later, Sarah’s slave, Hagar, was walking along the road to Shur when an angel of the Lord met her at a well in the desert. 

Hagar and the Angel of the Lord
Hagar and the Angel of the Lord

Angel of the Lord:  Hagar, slave of Sarah, where have you come from and where are you going?

Hagar:  Hey do me a favor and drop the  “slave of Sarah” when addressing me.

Angel of the Lord:  Yeah okay whatever.

Hagar:  Anyway, in  answer to your question, I’m running away from my mistress for she treats me cruelly because I despise her now that I carry her husband’s child in my womb.

Angel of the Lord:  Yeah okay whatever.  Hey listen, if you go back and be her slave, I will give you so many descendants that no one will be able to count them.

Hagar:  What is the fascination with the descendant counting?  Please don’t tell me that’s all there is to do where you’re from.

Angel of the Lord: Yeah okay whatever.  Hey guess what?  You will have a son and his name will be Ishmael because the Lord has heard your cry of distress.  Your son will be like a wild donkey.

Hagar: You’re saying that like it’s a good thing.

Angel of the Lord:  Yeah okay whatever. Be that way.

Hagar:   No it’s just that I’m trying to figure out which I should be more elated about, the Lord making my son be like a wild donkey or the Lord naming him Ishmael.

Angel of the Lord:   Well, you might also be interested in knowing that your son will  be against everyone and everyone will be against your son.  He will live apart from all his relatives.

Hagar:  Why don’t you just come right out and say it.  He’s going to be a total jack ass.

Angel of the Lord:  We prefer the term wild donkey.

Hagar:  Yeah okay whatever.  Be that way.

After that Hagar continued along the rocky road to Shur (luckily she was Shur footed) and she asked herself, “Have I really seen God and lived to tell about it?”  So she called The Lord who had spoken to her “A God Who Sees.”  

A couple hours later after Hagar gave birth:

Hagar:  Well Abram, I just gave birth to your very first descendant.  It’s a boy!  And he’s absolutely perfect except that instead of crying he brays. Plus he doesn’t seem to like anybody and nobody seems to like him.  Don’t worry though,  you’ll get used to it.

Abram:  Uh huh.

Hagar:  Oh and one more thing.  We have to call him Ishmael.  I know it’s a horrible name and that no baby should be named Ishmael, but who wants to to tell the Lord He has horrible taste in names? Not me!

Abram: Uh huh.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible lesson. Please stay tuned next week when the Lord decides to replace signatures on all his covenants with circumcisions and hilarity ensues.

Until next time  . . . I love you

Loosely based on Genesis 16

Sarai and Abram
Sarah and Abram

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Two Wrongs Don’t Make an “ite”

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of the Gregory’s Bible Stories.  

In today’s Sunday School Lesson, Gregory learned about how God planned to give Abram’s descendants all the land that belonged to the tribes that had names ending in “ite”.

Gregory's Bible StoriesTwo Wrongs Don’t Make an “Ite”

When last we left the Lord and Abram, (God’s new best friend after Noah died), the Lord had just commanded Abram to bring Him a cow, a goat and a ram as well as a dove and a pigeon.

Abram: Okay, Lord,  I just drove my ox cart through Mcsafcrifices and got you a Cow-Goat-Ram Happy Sacrifice Meal with a side order of Dove and Pigeon as per your command.  Let’s sit outside and enjoy it, shall we?  It’s a beautiful day.

The Lord:  Wait a minute!  I just opened my Happy Sacrifice box and I am displeased.

Abram:  Oh no, don’t tell me they forgot Your toy.

The Lord:  It seems someone failed to cut the cow, the ram and the goat in half and place the halves opposite each other in two rows like I specifically requested!

Abram:  Does that seem a tad  obsessive compulsive to you?

The Lord:  What are you trying to say?

Abram:  Well, Look how anally you always want your sacrifices laid out? If I had a ruler you’d probably want me to measure the distance inbetween each piece of meat.

The Lord:  Do you have a ruler?

Abram:  No I was just pointing out that–

The Lord:  Abram! Behold!  MaSacrifices’s put cheese on my Dove and my Pigeon!

Abram:  What’s the matter with that?  You no likee cheese, Lord?

The Lord:  Ahaha!  Oh Abram, nobody cracks me up like you do!

Abram:   Uh oh Lord!  Look out for that vulture! He’s trying to get your cheese pigeon! You better make that vulture disappear!

The Lord:  Ha ha very funny Abram.  You know I don’t make vultures disappear. That’s why I created man.

Abram:  You mean you created man to shoo away the vultures?

The Lord:  If the shoo fits . . .

Abram.  Ah ha! You’re so funny Lord!

The Lord: Well you know what they always say, “The Lord works in hilarious ways.”

After their picnic, when the sun was going down, Abram fell into a deep, deep sleep and fear and terror came over him.   (Mcsacrifices food always made him sleepy and gave him nightmares.)

The Lord:  Psst! Abram?  Are you asleep?  Well don’t bother waking up.  What I have to tell you is best heard while asleep.  Your descendants will be strangers in a foreign land; they will be slaves there and will be treated cruelly for four-hundred years.  What have you got to say about that?

Abram:  Glumpy habba woo woo hearth burl.

The Lord:  Good you’re still asleep.  Anyway some other bad stuff will happen.  But the good news is you’ll live to a ripe old age and be buried.

Abram:  Zzzzzzzzzzzzz!

The Lord:  I knew you’d love that part!

When the sun had set, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch suddenly appeared and passed between the pieces of animals.  Then and there the Lord made a covenant with Abram.

The Lord:  Abram, wake up.  I’m going to make a covenant with you!

Abram:  What’s a covenant again?

The Lord:    I promise to give to your descendants all this land from the border of Egypt to the Euphrates River, including the lands of the Kenites, the Kenizzites, the Kadmonites as well as the Perizzites, the Hittites and the-

Abram: The Dolomites?

The Lord:  Shh!  You’re getting me mixed up on my “ites.”  Let’s see, now where was I?  Oh yes, the Hittites and the Girgashites and the-

Abram:  The Vermiculites?

The Lord:  What? No!

Abram:  The Manhattanites?

The Lord:  Abram?

Abram:  Yes Lord?

The Lord:  You’re annoying the “ite” out of me.

Abram:  You want I should shoo some more vultures?

The Lord: Si Señor.

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  What Abram learned in Sunday School this week.  Please check back next week when Abram’s wife’s slave becomes a surrogate mother and hilarity ensues.

Until next time . . . I love you

God's Covenent with Abram
God’s Covenant with Abram

 

Loosely based on Genesis 15: 9-21

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Great King of Sodom Camel Mix-up

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s bible stories. 

In today’s Sunday school lesson, Gregory learned about how Abram gave away the spoils of war to the King of Sodom.   He couldn’t help imagining how it all might have happened. 

 

LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesThe Great King of Sodom Camel Mix-up

 

As you will remember from the last lesson, Abram (God’s new best friend after Noah died) had just rescued his nephew, Lot,  from five evil kings with unpronounceable names who had kidnapped Lot and held him captive at Chedorlaomer. (Pronounced -Chedder-lame-o — named after a biblical tribe of people who were horrible at making cheese.)

King of Sodom, the Camel

Then everybody went back to Abram’s place and they held a big celebration with the King of Sodom and the King of Salem.  The king of Salem later went on to have a cigarette named after him and, it is rumored, that the King of Sodom later went on to have a camel named after him.

The Feast

The King of Salem was also a priest of The God Most High, so when everyone had finished feasting on goat hotcakes and were sitting around smoking Salem’s cigarettes, they all started yelling “Speech! Speech!” because in biblical days listening to speeches was on everybody’s bucket list, even God’s.

The King of Salem whose name was Melchizedek (Mel) took the floor:

Mel:  Abram, may The God Most High who made heaven and earth bless you!  Be praised, Abram,  because you gave us victories over all our enemies and as a token of our appreciation we are giving you some–

Abram:  Goat hotcakes?

Mel:  No I was gonna say some bread and wine.

Abram:  Does the bread at least come with syrup?

Mel: Sorry no.

Abram:  Now wait a minute here, Mel.  After going to war and defeating five kings for you and your wives and your slaves and managing to save every one of your asses, this is the thanks I get from The God Most High?

Mel:  Apparently.   But let me double-check my  Excel Spread Stone.  Let’s see . . . yup  It says the standard reward for defeating five kings is Bread and Wine.  The standard reward for defeating four kings is Goat Hotcakes.

Abram:  I’ll take a downgrade then.

Mel:  You can’t take a downgrade!  Nobody ever takes a downgrade!

Abram:  Yeah, well I’m Abram, and I’m best friends with the Manager, The God Most High.

Mel:  Well why didn’t you say so in the first place?  Just let me run it by my supervisor first.

Abram:  Who’s that?

Mel:  The God Most Medium.

Mel walks to a corner of the tent, closes his eyes for a few minutes and then returns.

Abram:  So what’d he say?

Mel:  He said he can pull some strings and downgrade you to Goat Hotcakes but only if you give away ten percent of the loot you collected from the spoils battle.

Then the King of Sodom took the floor.

King of Sodom:  Look, Abram, you don’t have to give me anything.  I just want all my people back.  I love my people . . . maybe a little too much, but still!

Abram:  “I solemnly swear before the Lord, The God Most High, Maker of Heaven and Earth that I will not keep anything of yours, not even a thread or a sandal strap!”

King of Sodom:   What about buttons?

Abram:   . . . and therefore, King of Sodom, you can never say, ‘I am the one who made Abram rich’ because I will take nothing for myself. And furthermore, I will accept only what my men have used.

King of Sodom:  Well okay, suit yourself.  So I guess the only thing left to do now is load up the spoils of war onto the The King of Sodom’s back.

Abram:  I don’t believe my ears!  You mean, you, the King of Sodom, will be carrying the spoils of war on your back?

King of Sodom:  No silly! I was talking about King of Sodom, my camel.

And a good laugh was had by all.

And there you have it, Dear Readers.  Please check back next week at this time to find out what Gregory learns about the bible next.  

Until next time . . . I love you

This story was loosely based on Genesis: 17-24

 

The Journey back to Sodom
The Journey back to Sodom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram Gets a Sweet Deal

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about what happened when Abram and Lot decided to go their separate ways after getting kicked out of Egypt.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining how everything might have happened.

GregoryThe Lord Gives Abram a Sweet Deal!

In last week’s lesson, Abram became the Lord’s new favorite person, and the only thing Abram had to do to maintain his status, as such, was move to Canaan and have  cart-loads of kids which in those days were called descendants.

But first Abram took a detour to Egypt where he told the Egyptian King it was okay for him to sleep with his sister who was really his wife causing the Lord to fire up his smiter and smite the Egyptian king with a biblical disease from The Lord’s Big Book of Biblical Diseases.

Long story short,  Abram and his wife, Sarai and his nephew, Lot, had to schlep all the way back to Caanan  carrying all the riches they managed to wheedle out of the Egyptian king once the Egyptian King gave them the ol’ pharaoh heave ho.

Then Abram and his nephew, Lot, started up a company called  “Just Goats!” conveniently located just off the cart path between Bethel and Ai.

Abram and Sarai looking at a goat or a sheep

Everything was going great until Lot started messing with the business plan:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, besides offering a senior discount for anybody over 600, I was thinking since we’ve got all these camels running around, we should start selling camels in addition to goats.

Abram:  Camels are disgusting. Nobody wants a camel.

Lot:  We could say they are super-sized goats.  Nobody will ever know the difference!

Abram:  Nobody wants a super-sized goat that’s really a camel.

Lot:  Then would you mind if I took the camels and opened my own business in beautiful downtown Sodom?

Abram:  You can do anything you want with those stupid camels as long as I don’t have to clean up after them.

Lot:  That won’t be a problem, Uncle, because everybody knows what happens in Sodom stays in Sodom, ha ha!  Get it?

Abram:  Sorry, I’m not much of a laugher.

So Lot took the camels and headed off for the Jordan Valley and Abram stayed in the land of Caanan with the Caananites and the Perizzites — a  pretzel-loving parasitic people.

As soon as Lot was out of hearing range, the Lord said to Abram:

Lord: From where you are look carefully in all directions — because I am going to give you all the land you see!

Abram:  Wow!  Thanks!  Would you mind if I got up on the roof first?

The Lord:  I am going to give you so many descendants that no one will be able to count them all!

Abram:  Uh, I’m not big on kids.  I mean the babies are cute — but as we all know, they eventually turn into teenagers.

The Lord:  It would be as easy to count all the specks of dust on earth!

Abram:  Are we still talking about kids?  I hope not.

The Lord:  Now go and look over the whole land because I am going to give it all to you!

Abram:  Gosh thanks, but would it possible to still get the land but maybe fewer kids?  Hello?  Lord? Hello?  Hello?

When the Lord quit answering  Abram’s calls, he decided to make the best of things by moving his goats, his slaves and his wife to a place called Mamre at Hebron.

There Abram build an altar to the Lord and hung out his  “Just Goats” shingle.  Then he settled into the long process  finding babysitters, interviewing nannies and building a cart-load of boarding schools.

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Please remember to check back next week to see what happens.

Abram's descendants

Until next time . . . I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Abram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about God’s new favorite person, Abram and his journey to Canaan.  Gregory couldn’t help imagining what that journey must have been like.

Gregory's bible stories by Linda VernonAbram, The Lord’s New Favorite Person

As you will remember from last week’s Tower of Babel lesson, the Lord made it clear that trying to build a tower to reach to heaven was numero uno on the list of boo boos in The Lord’s Big Book of Boo Boos.

So the Lord had no choice but to scatter mankind all over the earth and confuse the language so that if one man said, “please pass the unleavened bread,” the other man would respond by killing two donkeys,  marrying his sister and untying all his camels.

Life went on in this confusing way generation after generation.  The Lord didn’t really seem to notice anyone in particular until Abram came along.  Then the  Lord decided Abram was his new favorite person.

The Lord had big plans for Abram which included moving Abram, his wife, Sarai, his animals, all his stuff, his slaves and his nephew, Lot, to the land of Canaan.

 And so began their journey:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram!  Did you see that sign back there on the road?

Abram:  No what did it say?

Lot:  It said, Welcome to Canaan.  Sacred Tree of Moreh one mile!

Sarai:  Finally, I’m so hungry I could eat a goat.

Abram: Sorry Sarai, the goat is for a sacrifice to the Lord at the Sacred Tree of Morah where I’m going to build an alter.

Sarai:  Tell me about it!  I didn’t say the goat I said a goat.

Lot:  Uh oh, Uncle Abram.  It looks like we forgot to bring the alter building supplies.

Abram:  Oh nuts!  Everybody keep your eyes peeled for an alter supply store.

Abram and Sarai and Lot and all their animals and all their slaves and all their stuff were continuing on their journey to southern Canaan when a famine hit:

Lot:  Hey Uncle Abram, I’m starving! When are we stopping for lunch?

Sarai:  Oh look, Abram, there’s a Goat Burger King!  Can we stop?

Goat Burger King employee:  May I take your order?

Abram:  Yes we’ll each have a goat burger, an order of figs and a large pottery vessel of water.

Goat Burger King employee:  Sorry we’re all out.

Abram:  Of goat burgers?

Goat Burger King Employee:  Of everything but the water.

Abram:  Fine just give us three waters then.

Goat Burger King Employee:  We’ll have to charge you for water.

Abram:  Why?

Goat Burger King Employee:  Because you’re not ordering any food.

Abram:  Listen here, young man! Perhaps I forgot to mention that I am the Lord’s favorite person on the planet, right now, and unless you enjoy being smited . . .

Goat Burger King Employee:  Three free waters comin’ right up!

After that Abram and all his stuff and his wife and his animals and all his slaves and his nephew, Lot, decided to take a detour to Egypt because there was a famine, and they thought they caught a whiff of baked goods coming from that direction.

Smelling Egyptian Baked Goods

Abram:  Listen Sarai.  You’re a beautiful woman.

Sarai:  Tell me about it.

Abram:  And, as such, the Egyptian king is going to take one look at you and want to kill me because I’m your husband.

Sarai:  Tell me about it.

Abram:  So I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind saying you’re my sister.  That way I can use my relationship to you to get lots of free stuff from the king.

Sarah:  Tell me about it!

So Abram told the King that Sarai was his sister and the king bought it hook, line and sinker and told Sarai that she could  not only sleep in the king’s palace but in the king’s master bedroom on the kings master bed right next to the king — if she didn’t snore too loudly which, as luck would have it, she didn’t.

The King was so pleased with Abram’s wife’s not snoring that he gifted Abram with sheep and cattle and goats and donkeys and slaves and camels.

But then the Lord found out about all the not snoring going on with the Egyptian King and Abram’s wife, Sarai, and it made Him so mad, He brought a terrible disease on the King and on the people of his palace so the Egyptian king sent for Abram:

Egyptian King:  The  Lord is super mad at me because Sarai is your wife, and we’ve been not snoring together all this time thus causing the Lord to bring down a terrible disease upon us! Why didn’t you tell me she was your wife?

Abram:  Uh . . . you didn’t ask?

Egyptian King:  Take all your stuff and your wife and your slaves and the Lot you brought with you, and get out!

Abram:  Do I get to keep all the sheep and the  cattle and the slaves you gave me?

Egyptian King:  Are you kidding me? There is absolutely no way!

Abram:  I don’t really care, but the Lord was wondering . . .

Egyptian King:  Like I said there is absolutely no way!  No way you’re not going to take them with you as my lovely parting gift, that is!

So Abram and his wife and his nephew, Lot, and all his stuff, and his slaves and his animals went north out of Egypt.

Lot:  Jeepers, we sure made out like bandits in Egypt didn’t we, Uncle Abram?

Abram:  You can say that again, right Sarai?

Sarai:  Tell me about it!

Abram and the King of Egypt

And that concludes our bible story for today, Dear Readers.  Remember to check back next week at this time to see what happens next!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: The Tower of abel-Bay

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School, Gregory learned about how all of Noah’s descendants got together to build the tower of Babel, and he couldn’t help imagining how that might have happened.

GregoryThe Tower of abel-Bay

Even though Noah lived to be 950 years old, he never topped the time he saved the animal kingdom and mankind from extinction.  Still, he kept busy puttering in his vineyard and joking with his sons about how many grandkids it would take to put oil in a lamp.

After awhile though, there were so many kids being born that parents quickly ran out of the easy to pronounce names, like Gomer, and had to resort to giving them names that were so hard to pronounce everybody just called everybody else “hey you in the robe.”

Then they all wandered around together veering east, until they came to a  really nice valley in the land of Shi’nar so they decided to build a city there and call it Babylon in lieu of Shi’nar — thus circumventing thousands of years of annoying apostrophe placement questions in one simple decision.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey everybody!  Doesn’t this look like a really nice place to build a city?  Let’s name it Babylon.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Why Babylon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Because we’re all more or less a baby of Noah.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Okay that explains the baby — but why the lon?

Hey you in the robe #1:  Lon means city.

Hey you in the robe #2:  No it doesn’t!

Hey you in the robe #1:  What are you, an attorney?

Hey you in the robe #2:   I’m a linguist.

Hey you in the robe #1:  How’s business?

Hey you in the robe #2:   Pretty slow what with everyone speaking the same language using the same words and whatnot.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Dude, you’re complicating my buzz!

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

And thus it was decided to build a city and call it Babylon, and it was also decided to build a tower with its “top in the heavens” so that they could make a name for themselves by replacing the banner that said “If you lived here you’d be home now!” with whatever their names were.

Hey you in the robe #1:  What do you want to build the city out of?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Let’s make bricks and stick them together with tar!  What’s wrong, you look disappointed?

Hey you in the robe #1:  I was kind of hoping we’d use Legos.

Hey you in the robe #2:  Come again?

Tissot_Building_the_Tower_of_Babel
“Do you still want the Legos?”
“Nah, we have to use bricks.”
“Says who?”
“Hey you in the robe.”
“That guy bugs me.”

After the city and the tower were built, the Lord came down for a site inspection.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Well how do you like it, Lord?

But the lord only answered by saying out loud to himself and his new heavenly companions that he met on Faceofgodbook, “This is just the beginning of what they will do, soon they will be able to do anything they want!  Let us go down and mix up the languages so that they will not understand each other.”

Hey you in the robe #1:  Hey you in the robe #2, what did the Lord mean when he said that?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Icksnay on the Owertay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  Come again?

Hey you in the robe #2:  Lord no likee.  We’re all being ansferredtray.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Where toski?

Hey you in the robe #2: evelandclay.

Hey you in the robe #1:  Oway itshay!

Hey you in the robe #1:  You can say that againski!

And there you have it, Dear Readers, how Gregory imagined what really happened at the Tower of Babel. Be sure to check back next Sunday to see what Gregory learns in Sunday School!

Until next time . . . I love you

Tower of Babel

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Noah Sleeps It Off

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark and couldn’t help imagining what Noah and everyone was up to once they were on dry land again, and the only people left on earth.

Linda Vernon Humor, the bible according to gregory, humorous bible storiesNoah Sleeps It Off

In  last week’s lesson, God turned on the heavenly hose full blast until everything that breathed couldn’t breath anymore, and all the bad people on earth became dead, except for God’s favorite man, Noah, who built an ark etc. etc. (See Old MacDonald’s Farm for more information).

When God finally pulled the plug on the deluge, Noah was  601 years old even though Noah didn’t look a day over 500 and could still touch his toes!

While Noah’s wife and Noah’s three sons Ham, Shem and Japheth and their kids  enjoyed sifting through the flood debris for cool stuff, Noah spent most of the time moping in his tent and picking the mud off his robe.

Occasionally Noah would schlep through the flood debris to the  barbecue/altar to fix the Lord and (and himself)  a Shem burger invented by his son Shem  (his son Ham was too lazy to invent anything).

"Lord! I give you the Shem Burger!"
“Lord! I give you the Shem Burger!”

But mostly Noah sat around just  whining and complaining to his wife, Betty, about how much he missed mankind.

Betty:  Noah, you really need to stop laying around all day kvetching.

Noah:  There’s nothing else to do.  I hate this place, it’s so boring!

Betty:  How can you say that when there’s so much debris out there just waiting to be sifted through.  Look what I found just today?

Noah:  What is it?

Betty:  An apple with one bite out of it!

Noah:  Weird.

Betty:  Listen, Noah why don’t you start on a project.  Do something constructive.  You’re a farmer.  Maybe you could plant something.

Noah:  Hey that’s a swell idea, Betty.  I’ll plant a vineyard!

Betty:  A vineyard?  But we don’t drink.  I don’t think the Lord would approve of that, Noah.

Noah:  Oh no!  Not for wine . . .

Betty:  For what then?

Noah:  Oh you know, for raisin bran, raisin cookies, Waldorf salads . . .

Betty:  I don’t like raisins in salad.

Noah:  Okay, whatever, you can pick the raisins out.  The point is, Betty,  what this place could use is a vineyard!  Besides wine seeds are the only seeds I brought with.

Betty:  You mean grape seeds?

Noah:  Yeah, what’d I say?

Betty:  You said wine seeds.

Noah:  Whoops.  Slip of the tongue.

Betty:  Are you sure?

Noah:  Betty, I’m 601 years old for god sakes, cut me some slack!

Three years later:

Betty:  Noah?  What are you drinking?

Noah:  Just some . . .hic .  . . grape juice.

Three Years and two hours later:

Shem:  Hey has anybody seen, Dad?

Ham:  He got wasted and passed out in his tent buck naked!

Shem:  Oh my Lord!

Japheth;  Oh my God!

Ham:  Oh you guys, stop being  such prigs!

Japheth :  We care about, Dad, okay?  We’re not pigs, Okay?

Shem:  Yeah!

Ham:  I didn’t say you were pigs, I said you were prigs.

Shem:  Same thing.

Ham:  Listen Shem, I think I know what a pig is, I was named after one.  Hello?!

Jepeath:   Come on Shem.  Let’s go get a blanket to put over Dad’s buck nakedness.

Shem:  What’s a blanket?

Japheth:   It’s  a robe without sleeves. You really need to keep up with technology better, Shem.

Drunk Noah

Three Years and Six Hours Later:

Japheth:  Dad’s awake and he wants to see you, Ham.

Ham:  Yeah Dad?

Noah:  I’m putting a curse on your son, Canaan!

Ham:  Why?

Noah:  He will be a slave to his brothers.  Give praise to the Lord the God of Shem! May God cause Japheth to increase!!

Ham:  Well Japheth has been putting on weight but  I  just thought it was the Shem burgers.

Noah:  CANAAN WILL BE THE SLAVE OF SHEM!

Ham:   Okay Dad! I’m standing right here. There’s no need to shout.  Please use your indoor voice.  How about a nice cup of black coffee and a cold shower?

Noah:  AND HIS DESCENDANTS LIVE WITH THE PEOPLE OF SHEM! DO YOU HEAR KNOCKING?   WHO SET MY CHEESE AFIRE?

Ham:  Okay Dad, now I know you’re still drunk.  Afire is not even a word, is it?

Noah:  A CURSE ON CANAAN!

Ham:  But Dad, my son Canaan is just a little innocent boy who loves his grandpa.

Noah:  OKAY!  MAKE THAT A CURSE ON CANADA!

Ham:  Consider it cursed!   Go  back to sleep, Dad.

Noah:  Okay, but wake me up when it’s time for soccer practice.

 And there you have it, Dear Readers.  How Gregory imagines it was like after for Noah after the flood.  Check back next week at this same time to find out what happens next.

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah thinks about cheese . . or Canada . . . or Canadian cheese . . .
Noah thinks about cheese . . or Canada . . . or Canadian cheese . . .

Gregory’s Bible Lesson: Life on the Ark

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Today in Sunday School Gregory learned about Noah’s Ark  and couldn’t help imagining what it must have been like living on the Ark while waiting out the flood.

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesLife on the Ark as Imagined by Gregory

Noah:  Honey!  Come on!  You’re not still packing are you?  We’ve got to get going! The floodgates of the sky are opening!

Noah’s Wife, Betty:   I can’t get my bath robe to fit into this stupid suitcase!

Noah:  Here let me do it.

Betty:   Oh no you don’t!  You’ll  wrinkle  everything!

Noah:  Honey! I just packed two of every kind of animal into one measly ark.  I think I can pack a suitcase.

Betty:   Do you think we’ll have room for the trampoline?  I’d like to stay in shape, God only knows  how long we’ll be stuck on the ark.

Noah:  Sure you can bring the tambourine.  You know how much I love to sing.

Betty:   Not the tambourine, Noah, the trampoline.

Noah:  We have a trampoline?

Betty:   Hey, you’re the one who insisted we get a Figco Membership. What’s the matter Noah?  You look upset. Are you mad about the trampoline?

Noah:  No, it’s God.  I just got all the animals packed in the Ark so they  fit  nicely and now  God has added  seven pairs of each kind of ritually clean animal and seven pairs of each kind of bird to the list.

Betty:  You mean he didn’t mention it before now?

Noah:  Nope.

Betty:  Well maybe you could just hose off some of the ones you already have.

Noah:  Either way, I’m afraid there won’t be room for any trampolines this trip.

After Noah had  finally figured out a way to pack everything into the ark (he had to resort to  strapping Betty’s rocking chair and the elephants to the roof),  Noah and Betty went into the boat as well as  their three sons Shem, Ham and Japheth, their wives and a male and female of each kind of living being.  

Then the  Lord shooed all the animals away from the  door and slammed  it shut.  (Part of a zebra’s tail was still sticking out but the Lord just ignored it since there was no way he was ever going to get that door shut again)  Then the Lord gave the ark an almighty heave-ho and off they went!

Day Ten on the Ark

Ham:  Dad can’t we open a window or something?  The smell in here is gross!

Noah:  What’s that?  I thought I saw your lips moving, son, but I can’t hear you over all the squawking,  and the mooing and the bleating.

Betty:   I can’t stand all this sitting!   What I wouldn’t give for that trampoline right now.

Noah:  What honey?  Did you say something about a  tambourine?

Shem:  I’m hungry! Hey I know! What’s say we  barbecue one of the animals!

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 50 on the ark:

Everybody in unison:  Ninety- nine  potter vessels of  wine on the ark, 99 pottery vessels of wine, take one down and pass it around 98 pottery vessels of  wine on the ark . . .

Day 100 on the Ark

Shem:  Hey guess what everybody?   We have officially risen 25 feet above the tops of the mountains!

Ham:  How do you know that?

Shem:  I measured it with this 25-foot flood dipstick  Dad let me bring.

Betty:   Noah!  How come you let  Shem bring a 25-foot water dipstick, but you wouldn’t let me bring one  lousy little trampoline?

Noah:  What’s that Betty?   I can’t hear you over all the snorting and the squealing and the bow-wowing.

Japheth:  Are we there yet?

Day 130 on the Ark

Shem:  Hey Dad a raven and a dove just got out and the raven didn’t come back but the dove did, and it had  an olive branch in its beak!

Noah:  You know what, Shem,  at this point Daddy doesn’t  really give a rat’s behind.

Ham:  Ha ha!   Funny you should say that,  Dad, because there are several rats behind you right now!

Noah:  Hm . . . apparently some of us have been going forth and multiplying  early.

Day 150 on the Ark

Noah:  Ninety nine pottery vessels of—

Ham:   Hey Dad!  Last time I looked outside there wasn’t any water anywhere, just dry land as far as the eye could see.

Noah:  What?  When was this?

Ham:  About three months ago give or take.

Noah:  What?  Why didn’t you tell me?

Ham: I know how much you hate getting interrupted when you sing.

And a hearty laugh was had by all!

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  How Gregory imagines  life on the ark during the Great Flood.  Be sure and check back next week for another Gregory bible adventure!

Until next time . . . I love you

Noah and Betty

Unloading the Ark

Noah makes some arks

 

The Bible According to Gregroy: The Day After Noah’s Birthday Party

Linda Vernon Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories , , , , , ,

 “Welcome Dear Readers to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Every week, Gregory goes to Sunday school. Every week his imagination runs wild during the lessons, and every week he comes home with his own version of the story.

Let’s listen in and see what the lesson was about this week, shall we? 

 LInda Vernon humoous bible storiesThe Day After Noah’s Birthday Party, Part 1

The day after Noah’s 600th birthday party, God came to talk to Noah while Noah was cleaning up.

God:  What are you doing Noah?  Where’d all this wax come from?

Noah:  Well you know, I turned 600 yesterday.  The older you get, the harder it is to blow out all your candles before they melt.

God:   Tell me about it!  That’s the exact reason I quit having birthday parties.

Noah:  Really?  Are you serious or are you kidding? I can never tell.

God:  Noah, you know I have no sense of humor.  Have you ever heard me laughing or heard of me laughing or even smiling?

Noah:  So you really do put candles on your birthday cake and invite all your friends over to celebrate with you?

God:  I would but you’re my only friend, Noah.

Noah:  Oh come on.  You’re pulling my leg. You must have lots of friends.

God:  No. I hate everybody I created on this stupid planet.

Noah:  God have you been sampling  the pomegranate wine again?

God:  In fact, I just came by to tell you that 1) I really like your new haircut and  2)   I’m going to wipe out these people I have created and also the animals and the birds, because I am sorry that I made any of them.  Except for you , Noah.

Noah:  Aha!  Always with the joking!  You had me going there for a minute, God.  Ha! What do you mean you have no sense of humor!  You’re funny!

God:  What do you mean funny?  Funny how?  You mean like I’m a clown?  Like I’m here to amuse you?  What do you mean funny?  Funny how?

Noah:  God, no . . . I mean  . . . I was just . . . .

God:  Never mind,  listen.   I was up all night working on a master plan to wipe out mankind.  First, I’m going to make it so that people only live to 120 from now on.

Noah:  Oh perfect!  That will pretty  much solve the birthday candle problem. Good thinking!  And then you won’t have to wipe everybody out , is that what you mean?

"Everyone living to a 120!" Yay! I so like that idea, God, I can't even tell you!"
“Everyone living to 120!   Yay!   I so like that idea, God, I can’t even tell you!”

God:   Well no.  Then I thought I’d also send a flood on the earth to destroy every living being.  Except for you, Noah, because you’re my friend. What do you think of my plan?

Noah:  Cupcake?

God:  Sure!  Now see, it’s this kind thoughtfulness that makes me not want to wipe you out along with every living thing on earth . . . mm. . . .lemon filling!  You remembered!  Can I have two?

Noah:  Of course!  Oh and here’s those hankies I promised you with your initials.

God:   “L.G .Y.” ?

Noah:  For  “Lord God Yahweh”  since you never really told me your last name.

God:  Ah!  That is just so super sweet!  Thank you!

Noah:  Not a problem.

God:  So anyway, getting back to my plan to wipe out every living thing on earth, I was thinking that maybe you could–

Noah:  Care for a Pomegranate wine cooler?

God:  Oh don’t mind if I do!

Noah:  Cocktail napkin?

God:  Thank you.

Noah:  How about another cupcake too?

God:  Sure! Now let’s see where was I?

Noah:  Uh, you were talking about how you were going to lower the life expectancy 120.  Here, have some more pomegranate wine cooler.  Say when . . .

God:  You know, Noah, you’re really awfully nice.  Is it getting hot in here to you Noah?

Noah:  Listen, I’m going to run next door  and get more pomegranate wine cooler. Hang tight.  I’ll be right back.

God:  Okay.  Oh, and Noah?

Noah:  Yes?

God:  You gonna eat that last cupcake?

And there you have it, Dear Readers, this week’s edition of what Gregory surmised in Sunday School this morning.  Please check back next week for Part 2 of The Day After Noah’s Birthday Party.

Noah borrowing wine cooler

Until next time . . . I love you