Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Let’s listen in and see what he learned about Adam and Eve’s two boys, Cain and Abel.
Abel’s All You Can Eat First-Born Lamb Feed
After the “incident” with Adam and Eve, the Lord gave each of them hoes as lovely parting gifts and sent them to cultivate the soil just outside the Garden of Eden which they unofficially named Little Eden. (Luckily, Adam and Eve had eaten enough of the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge to know how to farm, but were still several bites shy of an Agricultural Sciences degree.)
Eve soon gave birth to two boys. The first one she named Cain because she had always liked that name. The second one she named Abel because she wasn’t able to think of any other name she liked.
Cain became a farmer and grew lots of boring broccoli, while Abel became a shepherd and herded lots of mouth-watering sheep.
One day, Cain gathered up a big bowl of broccoli and offered it to the Lord while Abel killed a first-born lamb, sautéed the best parts in clarified butter, and offered it to the Lord along with a glass of His favorite chardonnay.
The Lord breezed by Cain’s alter and sat down at Abel’s table. Just as Abel was tying the Lord’s First-Born Lamb Feed bib on, Cain came over with his bowl of broccoli.
Cain: Hi Lord. I grew this bowl of broccoli for you. I think it will make a nice accompaniment to Abel’s Seared Petite First-Born Lamb Chops with Rosemary Balsamic Reduction, don’t you?
The Lord: Take it away. I am rejecting it.
Cain: Ah come on. Don’t be that way. Couldn’t you take one teeny-weeny bite?
The Lord: No, I reject you and your broccoli, Cain. But I will have me some more of your brother’s delightful mouthwatering first-born lamb! Hey . . .what’s the matter, Cain, you look angry. Why are you scowling?
Cain: I’m just feeling a little killingish that’s all.
Abel: You’re stupid Cain!
Cain: Hey, Abel. Can I see you out in the field for a minute?
Abel: I guess. You want to come too, Lord?
The Lord: No you guys go ahead. I’m just going to polish off the rest of these First-Born Lamb Sliders.
When they were in the field, Cain took the stalk of broccoli he’d won first place for at the Little Eden County Fair, removed the pin from it and stabbed Abel repeatedly with the pointy end — killing him, if not instantly, eventually.
When Cain came back, the Lord was just finishing the last of the first-born lamb Jello and was once again congratulating Himself on having had the wherewithal to have always made room for it when he was creating everything.
The Lord: This Jello set up perfectly, Abel!
Cain: I’m not Abel, I’m Cain.
The Lord: Where’s Abel?
Cain: I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?
The Lord: That’s rhetorical, isn’t it? Wait a minute . . . Listen: I hear your brother’s blood crying out from the soil.
Cain: Are you sure? Maybe that’s just your stomach growling again.
The Lord: No, by Golly, that was blood crying out from the soil, alright. There’s a fine line, but I know the difference.
The Lord: Okay, Buster, no more tilling the soil for you. From now on, consider yourself a restless wanderer.
Cain: You mean the kind of restless wanderer that anyone may kill on sight?
The Lord: Not so! If anyone kills Cain, Cain shall be avenged seven-fold!
Cain: Why are you suddenly talking in third person?
The Lord: I get so bored with omniscient.
Cain: But why will they be avenged seven-fold?
The Lord: Seven is my lucky fold.
Cain: I knew that.
The Lord: No you didn’t.
Cain: More first-born lamb shank, Lord?
The Lord: Thank you. Don’t mind if I do.
And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School, please check back next Sunday to see what will happen next to Adam and Eve and the gang.
Until next time . . . I love you