Welcome Dear Readers to Gregory’s Summer Bible School. This summer Gregory will be learning all about Gideon.
Let’s listen in and see what Gregory has learned about Gideon so far:
One day, shortly after the Israelites got back from the excitement of battling Canaanites and cutting off the big toes and thumbs of seventy kings, they were experiencing a lull so, not knowing what else to do with themselves, they decided to do what they always did when they were bored — sin against the Lord.
So naturally the Lord had no choice but to have the mean, nasty, overweight Midianites rule over the Israelites for seven years (This was way before the Lord thought of timeouts).
The Midianites were bigger and stronger than the Israelites, who were more on the bookish side and who – aside from their large collection of big toes and thumbs, were not really all that aggressive.
So the Israelites spent a lot of time hiding from the Midianites in caves by day and tip toeing around by night planting their crops and tending to their cattle so as not to wake up the Midianites who were light sleepers.
But invariably some poor Israelite would sneeze too loudly and the Midianites would wake up, and come down from the hills on their camels.
The bible says there were so many Midianites that they and their camels couldn’t be counted, but most scholars believe this is simply because they wouldn’t hold still long enough.
Anyway, the Midianites would wreak havoc on the Israelites by trampling their crops, tipping their cows, messing up their hairdos and giving them all robe wedgies.
The Israelites cried out to the Lord, and the Lord, who was wondering when they were going to cry out, sent them a prophet who came to them with a message from the Lord.
The first part of the Lord’s message recapped what the Lord’s big accomplishments had been thus far which, of course, included bringing the Israelites out of Egypt, and freeing them from slavery. But the Lord never mentioned the parting of the Red Sea as He wasn’t that big on bragging, but was always secretly hoping someone else would bring that part up.
Then the Messenger of the Lord and Gideon had a conversation that might have sounded something like this but probably didn’t:
Messenger of the Lord: Say, Gideon, would you mind if I sat down under this tree in Ophrah that belonged to your dad, Joash, from Abiezer’s family?
Gideon: Sure, but how did you know all that?
MOTL: I read the tree plaque. What are you doing?
Gideon: I’m threshing wheat in this wine-press so as to confuse the Midianites.
MOTL: To confuse them how?
Gideon: Well, this way The Midianites will think I’m making wine when I’m really making flour.
MOTL: Won’t they just think you are making wine and want to steal that instead?
Gideon: What are you? An attorney?
MOTL: The Lord is with you, brave man.
Gideon: Well, no offense but I’m a little peeved.
MOTL: Peeved? Peeved howeth?
Gideon: All these horrible things are happening to us. The stealing of the crops, the cow tipping, the robe wedgies, having to make flour in a wine-press. What happened to all the Lord’s miracles everybody is always telling me about?
MOTL: How would you feel if I told you that you will be rescuing Israel with the strength you have?
Gideon: Yeah right. Have you seen my muscles lately? I can’t even tell you how sore I’m going to be tomorrow when I get done wine-pressing all this wheat. And you think I’m weak, you should see the rest of my family, we once got beat up by a batch of kittens.
MOTL: Doesn’t matter. You will defeat the Midianites as if they were only one man.
Gideon: Okay if you say so. Listen, I’m going to go fix you a snack. Can you wait here till I get back?
MOTL: Who moi? Absotively!
Thank you, Dear Readers, for coming by Summer Bible School with Gregory! Please check back next week for more of our lesson.
Welcome Dear Readers! I am so excited! As you may know, from time to time this blog takes it upon itself to attempt to cheer up American Literature’s most Gloomy Gus, Edgar Allan Poe. And in that light, I feel this blog is making a little progress. Check out Edgar Allan Poe’s new magazine!
WE can only hope, Dear Readers, that this his new positive attitude has staying power!
Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today Gregory learned about how it came about that Eve served Adam the fruit from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
Let’s listen in as Gregory tells us how it all happened.
One day shortly after God created Adam and Eve and left them to their own devices in the Garden of Eden, Eve said to Adam:
“What’s the matter, honey? Is all the yard work getting you down again?”
“Well, the garden is a beautiful place and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I would have been just as happy with a paradise that didn’t have such a big yard. All this tilling is aggravating my old rib-cage injury something awful. Can you get me an ice pack?”
“Are you trying to make me feel guilty again?”
“No honey. I’m just stating a fact. Part of me wishes God would have creatd the Condo of Eden instead of the Garden of Eden, that’s all.”
“Well, how about I cook you up your favorite dinner? That will cheer you up.”
“Goat Noodle Casserole?”
“That’s your favorite dinner? I thought it was goatloaf?”
“Listen honey, no offense but your goatloaf is a little dry. ”
“God liked it.”
“Did He tell you that?”
“No, I could just tell by the way his face lit up like a thousands suns when he ate it.”
“No offense, honey, but that’s pretty much His resting face.”
“Why are you being such a brat?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be. Tell you what. Why don’t you bake me a nice pie for dessert.”
“Okay! How about my famous Fig Leaf Pie?”
“Well, honey . . . uh . . . frankly, your Fig Leaf Pie is only famous because it’s so dry.”
“Did God tell you that?”
“Well! That makes me not want to invite God over for dinner anymore.”
“Don’t be mad honey. You know what? I heard that a fruit called the apple makes a pretty good pie.”
“Who told you that?”
“I don’t remember exactly. I think it was one of those creeping things that creepeth upon the earth.”
“And it could talk?”
“Okay, well you stay here and rest your side, Adam, and I’ll go out and have a talk with this creeping thing and see if it will show me where the apple tree is.”
“Uh . . Okay but seems to me it wasn’t called an apple tree though.”
“Oh really? What was it called?”
“The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.”
“That’s unnecessarily long. I’m just going to call it the apple tree. If you need me I’ll be out picking apples . . .”
“Okay honey. Have fun! Oh and before you go would you mind grabbing me an ice pack on your way out?”
“. . . and a Bud Light?”
And that concludes Gregory’s bible stories for this week, Dear Readers. Please check back next week for the further adventures of all the people in the bible.
Until next time . . . I love you
Eve’s Killer Apple Pie
8 apples from The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil