satire

Thank You Pottery Barn for Life Itself!

Linda Vernon Pottery Barn , , , , , , , , , ,

Are you living your life like wind-tossed lint?  Bouncing hither and yon at nature’s whim –never knowing the difference between up nor down nor side nor ways?

Well, Pottery Barn has a solution for that, Dear Reader, and it’s called:

The Pottery Barn Daily System

That’s right!  Pottery Barn and their “Daily System” has finally found a way to make keeping track of your family’s events a full time job!

Now, the first thing you do — using PB’s Daily System — is polish off a bottle of beer and a bottle of wine and then rinse them out and place them on their designated spots on the shelf (as pictured). Once that task has been completed,  you’re  going to be  in the mood to write something rather odd and crazy on the blackboard just like Pottery Barn did.

You could either copy PB and write “Summer Night Alive and Bright” or come up with your own drunken phrase.

And since the blackboard is at the tippy top of the Daily System, you will need to climb up on the desk (which Pottery Barn designed just for this purpose) and carefully . . . watch it now! . . . write on the blackboard.

  Of course, while you are up there, you might as well grab a couple of pens and pencils . . .  oh and don’t forget the scissors, grab those too, while you’re at it. (You never know!)

But do be careful don’t– whoops!  Did you fall down?  PB anticipated that might happen.  Hopefully the desk broke your fall and you can still read the family activities that have been written on the white board — because you might have to make some changes to those activities.

For instance, you’re probably going to have to skip the 4th of July celebration altogether, who knows if you will have regained feeling in your arms and legs by then — of course, Dad could ice your back for you if wasn’t traveling all week.  (Isn’t that always the way!)

And you’re probably going to have to  find a way to break it to Curtis that you can’t drive him to sailing lessons due to your being paralyzed and all. (But watch out! Curtis isn’t going to like it!)

And the Palmer dinner thing . . . well, if all that involved was Palmer eating a bowl of Mac and Cheese while conversing with you about Curtis’s sailing abilities while you lay paralyzed on the desk –then there’s  no need to cancel that one! YAY!

Ah! That Pottery Barn!  Always working around the clock to make your pathetic life better! You gotta love ’em!

Until next time . . . I love you

The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady Tackles the Drip Irrigation Guidelines

Linda Vernon The Overly Creative Writer Lady , , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  Holy Cow!  Guess who’s here again today?  It seems The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady has agreed to edit some guidelines for us.

The Overly Creative Writer Lady

The Overly Creative Writer Lady would like us to take out our Drip Irrigation Guidelines and turn to the first page!

Page 1 of our Drip Irrigation System Guidelines

Let’s see how The Overly-Creative Writing Lady edits this sentence from the Drip Irrigation Guidelines:

“These drip emitters for shrub and trees provide full or partial pressure compensation.“

The Maltese Drip Emitters

by

The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady

It was a Wednesday, wet, like Somebody Up There opened these drip emitters on a cloud that had more water in it than a dame’s eyes after finding out the Spanish shawl she just shelled out a hundred clams for went on sale, 50% off, the very next day.

The dame in question?  One Lola Richardson, a looker with a torso that, well . . . let’s just say a torso that would never be mistaken for shrubs and trees. 

Suddenly there was a knock on Lola’s door — a knock she knew better than the back of her hand which wasn’t saying much as Lola had never bothered looking at the back of her hand.

Lola ran through her tastefully decorated living room like a babbling brook seeking the mighty Missisip — past the grand piano, past the baby grand piano, past the regular piano, past the portable piano keys, past the Fisher-Price Kick and Play Piano until she reached the front door.

But should she open the door and let that bum of an ex-husband of hers Mickey Richardson, aka Mickey the Grim Reaper, aka Mickey the Infectious, aka Mickey the Mouse — if indeed it was he who was knocking — in?

Lola laid one of her voluptuous ears against the door to provide full or partial auditory discernment of the fist from whom the knocking emanated — but she was still uncertain.

So Lola put her other ear against the door, the one that was not quite as voluptuous (more like plain bordering on homely) but could actually hear. She pressed it harder and harder against the door until the pressure compensation allowed for the air-waves to finally penetrate it.

Yup.  It was Mickey Richardson alright.  So Lola opened the door and shot him until he was as dead as it gets.

Then Lola threw her Spanish shawl over his lifeless body and wept bitterly.  If only she could have gotten it for 50% off.

Lola's Spanish ShawlAnd there you have it, Dear Readers.  A word of caution — The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady is here for the duration of the week so you might want to steer clear of this blog. 

Until next time, The Overly-Creative-Writing Lady loves you

 

 

The Overly-Creative Writing Lady Tackles the Transistor Manual

Linda Vernon The Overly Creative Writer Lady , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers!  It’s a day to rejoice!  The Overly Creative Writer Lady — who has been away from the blog for the last couple of months on a pilgrimage to the biggest balls of aluminum foil all over the world — has hurried home so that she visit this blog.  Are we lucky or what?

The Overly Creative Writer Lady freshly returned from her Aluminum foil ball pilgrimage
The Overly Creative Writer Lady freshly returned from her Biggest Balls of Aluminum Foil Pilgrimage

Today she has agreed to discuss a piece of literature that has always been near and dear to her heart: The Transistor Manual

The Transistor Manual
The Overly Creative Writer Lady’s Beloved Transistor Manual

So come on everybody!  Let’s all take out our Transistor Manuals and turn to page 17 shall we?  And see what wonderful story The Overly Creative Writing Lady  will whip up for us using the pedestrian text thereupon:

Page 17
Page 17

The Original Copy Says:

“The converter stage of a transistor radio is a combination of a local oscillator mixer and IF amplifier.” 

And now for the Overly Creative Writer Lady’s version:

Fernando Converter Takes the Cake

by

The Overly Creative Writer Lady

The world-renowned Fernando Converter took the stage of a broken down community theater in Walla Walla Washington. His transistor radio was hidden from view in the breast pocket of his skunk-fur-lined smoking jacket his card-cheating wife, Manuala, had given him to neutralize the odor of his cigar smoke for their 50th wedding anniversary.

“The audience’s response is a combination of boos and hisses!”   Fernando Converter thought to himself for, being alone on stage, there was no one else  to think it to. “Could it be they don’t like my smoking jacket?”

During the hissing and booing Fernando reminisced.   “Perhaps, for our 50th wedding anniversary,  I should have given Manuela a diamond ring instead of a local anesthetic  when she got her tongue caught in the 12-speed oscillator mixer beaters licking off cake dough. Come to think of it she didn’t seem very happy about the oscillator mixer, either!”   Fernando postulated wildly. (Which only made the hissing and booing louder.)

And IF Fernando Converter bought an amplifier to enhance the smell of his cigar smoke now that Manuala was already mad at him,  he was pretty sure Manuala was going to kill him because she cheated at cards and, as everyone knows, it’s a slippery slope from cheating at cards to murder.

But that was a big if which is why Fernando capitalized the ‘i’ and the ‘f’  in his mind while he was thinking about it.

In the end, Manuala didn’t end up killing Fernando, but she did poke his eye out with one of the beaters, and they lived happily ever after if you don’t count all the hissing and booing and Fernando being blind in one eye for the rest of his life.

The end

And there you have it Dear Readers! We can only hope the Overly Creative Writer Lady pays us a visit again real soon but it’s also okay if she doesn’t!

Until next time . . . I love you

What God Did the Day After The Seventh Day

Linda Vernon Gregorys Bible Stories, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories. Today in Sunday school Gregory had to give a talk about what God did after creating the universe.  Let’s listen in, shall we?

Gregory's Bible StoriesWhat God did the Day After the Seventh Day

When God woke up bright and early on the eighth day after resting ad nasuem on the seventh day, He realized He had forgotten earth’s plants. He snapped his almighty fingers and said to Himself, “Doggone it!  I had to forget something!”

God also noticed that no seeds had sprouted because He had also forgotten to send any rain and there was no one to cultivate the land (or to blame his forgetfulness on).

But water would come up from beneath the surface of the ground.  So perhaps God took a little time out to congratulate Himself on having the wherewithal to install an underground sprinkling system.

Anyway, right after that, God took some soil — it was probably a little bit wet (possibly due to a broken sprinkler head) – and, without any mention of having taken any previous sculpting classes, God formed the soil into a man and breathed life-giving breath into his nostrils and the man began to live.  Which leads Biblical Scholars to conclude that even though the man was made out of dirt, he had no signs of dust allergies and wasn’t stuffy at all.

God Breath Life Into Adam Linda Vernon Humor

 

After that, God set the newly-formed man aside to give him time to “set-up” — the questions of whether or not he needed to be refrigerated during this process is what keeps Bible Scholars gainfully employed.

Then the Lord God planted a garden in Eden, in the East possibly because the neighborhood’s in West Eden were iffy in those days.  Nobody knows what the newly-formed man was doing while God was planting the garden. (Hopefully cleaning the dirt out from under his fingernails.)

Then God put the newly-formed man into the garden.

The man just sat there staring straight ahead like a newly-formed bump on a newly-formed log.  Then God made all kinds of beautiful trees grow there and produce good fruit.  In the middle of the garden stood the tree that gives life and the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad.

A stream flowed in Eden and watered the garden.  (Apparently the underground sprinkler system had already started giving God trouble.)

Then the Lord God placed the newly-formed man in the Garden of Eden to cultivate it and guard it and started to leave but He couldn’t help noticing that the man was pulling up all the flowers and watering all the weeds. God decided that since the newly-formed man had only had dirt for brains a few short hours ago, he was probably going to need to give him a tad bit more instruction.

So the Lord said to the man:  You may eat the fruit of any tree in the garden, except the tree that gives knowledge of what is good and what is bad.  You must not eat the fruit of that tree, if you do you will die the same day.  Capish?

But the newly-formed man didn’t capish.

Well, Dear Readers, that’s as far as Gregory got in his oral report this week. Please check back next week to find out what happens when God has a bone to pick with Adam.  

Until next time. . . I love you

God instructs Adam Linda Vernon Humor

Mummy Tell Me Again About Labor Day

Linda Vernon Holidays , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  Well it’s Labor Day here in the United States of America!  Which means a lot of people get the day off.  Nobody knows why and nobody cares why.

Well, Dear Readers, I for one, feel that Labor Day is getting the shaft, and that’s why I have taken the liberty of writing an educational story about Labor Day to create awareness for Labor Day appreciation.

Mummy, Tell Me Again About Labor Day

“Mummy, tell me again about Labor Day,” little Tommy Sweatington begged his mother one fine Labor Day morn. “For as you know mummy,” little Tommy continued, “tis my favorite American Federal holiday of all!”

Mummy Sweatington looked up from her task of scrubbing the floors of City Hall with a toothbrush and replied, “Tommy!  How many times have I told you never to come to City Hall wearing your pajamas!”

Mummy’s harsh words made Tommy’s heart sink and push down on his kidneys in such a way as to make the tears in Tommy’s eyes shoot out at odd trajectories.  But then he remembered it was Labor Day, his favorite American Federal holiday, and his heart floated back up to its proper position and his tears reversed their trajectory and went back into his eyes.

Once his vision cleared, Tommy noticed something very strange.  His mother was working!  Mummy was working on Labor Day! 

“Mummy!” screamed Tommy, “don’t you know that in 1882 Matthew MacGuire proposed Labor Day after witnessing a labor festival held in  Toronto Canada which eventually led to the observance of my most beloved American Federal Holiday  — Labor Day?  Mummy, I implore you to tell me why you are working on Labor Day?”

At this, Tommy became agitated and then Tommy became appalled and finally Tommy became apoplectic — which didn’t last very long — because right after that Tommy went back to being appalled and then merely agitated and by the time his mother looked up to answer his question, Tommy was pretty much back to normal.

“But Tommy Dear,” Mummy Sweatington replied, “I’m not working.  Scrubbing the floors of the City Hall is my hobby, silly!”

“But Mummy!” Tommy protested.  “Why would you want to have a hobby that requires you to scrub the floors of City Hall with your toothbrush?”

“Tommy darling, you don’t understand.  I’m not using my toothbrush to scrub the floors of City Hall, I’m using your toothbrush!”

And a good Labor Day laugh was had by all!

“That Mummy’s a riot!”

***

Happy Labor Day!

Until next time . . . I love you

Gregory’s Bible Stories: Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s edition of Gregory’s Bible Stories!

Today in Sunday school Gregory gave an oral report on how Lot’s family manged to escape the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah and their Chamber of Commerce mixer.gregory

 

 Escaping The Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce Mixer

One biblical evening in Sodom when Lot, his wife, Betty, and his two daughters, Mary Magdalene Kate and Ashley were about to sit down to feast with two of God’s best-looking angels, an angry mob began pounding on Lot’s door.

Lot:  Who is it?

Angry mob:  Tis us– the Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce. We came to get God’s two best-looking angels and take them to our Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce mixer.

Best Looking Angel #1:  Would you mind telling them, Lot,  that we’d rather die but thanks anyway?

Best Looking Angel #2:  Oh and speaking of dying, Lot,  I almost forgot our whole reason for coming.  HA!   The Lord sent us to get you and your relatives out of Sodom and Gomorrah before He pushes His almighty destruction button and turns it to Smithereens.

Lot:   Smithereens?  Are you sure you don’t mean Nazarenes?

BLA #2:  No.  You see the Lord is going to wipe Sodom and Gomorrah off the face of the planet.

Lot:  What’s a planet?

BLA#2:  Oy!  Okay let me put it in a way you’re more likely to understand.  How would you like to hear a Sodom and Gomorrah knock knock joke?

Lot:  Sure.

BLA #2:  Knock knock

Lot:  Who’s there

BLA#2:  Armageddon

Lot:  Armageddon who?

BLA#2:  Armageddon through to you?  If the Lord destroys Sodom and Gomorrah, you’ll be toast!

Lot:  But I love toast. Shall I let the Sodom and Gomorrah Chamber of Commerce in now?

Suddenly one of the angels looked into the sky and saw that it was partly cloudy with a 90 percent chance of burning sulfur rain.   So they took the hands of  Lot and his wife and daughters and lead them out of the city of Sodom and told them to run for their lives up into the mountains lest they become toast.

Lot:  But my feet are killing me as my sandals have no arch support.  Couldn’t we just go to that little town up ahead?

The Lord:  (this is where the Lord decided to get in on the conversation):  All right, I agree.  I won’t destroy that town.  Hurry Run!  I can’t do anything until you get there.

The sun was rising when Lot and his family schlepped into the little town that Lot had renamed Zoar on the way there because he thought Zoar meant “little town”  but it really meant “good arch support” but nobody had the heart to tell him that.

Everybody wanted to watch as the Lord rained down burning sulfur on the city of Sodom and Gomorrah but nobody did except for Betty who instantly turned into a pillar of salt — which of course left Lot feeling horrible.

After that, Lot was  forced to grieve alone as there were even fewer support groups for Pillar of Salt Widowers than there are today.

Luckily Lot was able to finally recover from his grief and went on to become a charter member of the Zoar Chamber of Commerce where he made sure toast was served at all the mixers.

And there you have it, Dear Readers, what Gregory learned in Sunday School. Stay tuned next week to find out what Gregory learns next.

Until next time . . . I love you

a picture of Sodom and Gomorrah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

More Magazine Mashups

Linda Vernon Magazine Mashups, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers! It’s time once again for another edition of Magazine Mashups, where my brain, Peanuts, splices together existing magazines to come up new ones.

Today Peanuts took SLO LIfe Magazine:

Slo Life Magazine

And combined it with a Magazine called B:

bcoverkeyholefeb98

To Get:

Slob Mag

 

And there you have it, Dear Readers!  SLOB Magazine!

Until next time . . . I love you

Precious Pet Stories

Linda Vernon Pets , , , , , , ,

Precious Pet Stories

Oh Snitz!

Our beloved and precious Snitz was a vivacious goldfish with volumes of get up and go and a heart as big as all get out. Her high-spirited antics and fuzzy little carbonated smile would keep us all aglow through many a hard time.

That is why when our cat, Fritz, knocked over Snitz’s water and played with Snitz until she was just a limp little reminder of better days, we rushed right out and bought another goldfish.

And even though we have another vivacious goldfish with volumes of get up and go and a heart as big as all get out, we did learn a good lesson.

You really can’t tell one goldfish from another.

Snitz was one (or possibly 450,000) in a million!

A Skunk by Any Other Name

I named my pet skunk Trouble because I could smell him a mile away.

At first I thought it would be cool to name him Maltese in memory of my pet falcon. But then I thought there really wasn’t much similarity between my pet falcon and my pet skunk except they both came running when I called “here kitty, kitty.”

I’ll never forget the day I found Trouble in the park. There was something in his air and manner of walking . . . I knew he had to be mine. I quickly snatched him up and ran down the path and into the street where I was hit by a bus.

Not the exact bus that hit me but one god awful like it.

Trouble flew out of my arms and landed 5,280 feet away and that’s when I noticed that even though all my arms and legs were broken, I could still smell Trouble. So I guess my choice of names was right on!

Oh Danny Boy

I know it has been said that a hamster by any other name would be a rodent and there was a time when I would have agreed with that. That is until Danny saved my life. I was hiking in the Rockies at the time. Of course, I took Danny along because he was a hunting hamster with papers.

I had just sat down to catch my breath when I saw a coiled rattler only inches from Danny and me.

Then, in the blink of an eye, it was just the rattler and me. It seems a hawk had swooped down and got poor Danny. As I watched him dangle from the hawk’s powerful talons, I stood up to give Danny a farewell salute.

Just then the rattler bit me. And that’s when Danny . . . wait a minute . . . well, never mind about the part where I said Danny saved my life.

Thanks for nothin’ Danny.

Until next time . . . I love you

What the Scientists are Thinking About

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine, What the Scientiests are Thinking About , , , , , , , , ,
MIT Researcher
MIT Researcher, Dr. Shattuck-Hufnagel 

That’s easy for you to say, sure, but you’re not an MIT Researcher.

Researchers at MIT have come up with the world’s most difficult tongue twister in an attempt to shed light on the brain’s speech planning process while at the same time shedding light on the MIT researchers brains’ ability to think up ways to get paid without doing any actual work.

Dr. Stefanie Shattuck-Hufnagel (who prefers being called by her nickname Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers), and her scientific tongue twisting associates have deemed “pad kid poured curd pulled cold” to be the hardest phrase to utter in the English language with the exception of Dr. Stefanie Shattuck-Hufnagel’s hyphenated last name.

“Certain combinations of sounds appear to make people lose control of their mouths when spoken too quickly.”  Dr. Stafanie Shattuck-Hufnagel aka Sally Sells Sea Shells at the Seashore was quoted a little too quickly as saying and shortly thereafter was hospitalized with a serious case of  Uncontrollable Mouth Syndrome.

MIT has requested that all get well wishes and flowers be sent to the room where the sixth sick sheikh’s sixth sheep’s sick.

 

caveman
Plio-Pleistocene hominin Paranthropus boisei

The fossil remains of a hominid species dating back 1.34 million years was discovered right where somebody left it.

The partial skeleton of a large adult hominid has been uncovered in Tanzania by a group of researchers who couldn’t wait to use the new shovels they got for their birthdays.

Researchers uncovered a 1.34-million-year-old, well-formed forearm muscle that they think its owner used for “climbing, fine-manipulation and all sorts of behaviors” Dr. Charles Musiba and his team of researchers decided after thinking about it starting at lunch time and continuing to think about it off and on all afternoon until it was finally time to go home.

“We are starting to understand the physiology of these individuals and how they adapted to the kind of habitat they lived in.  The size of the arm bones suggests strong forearms and a powerful upper body.”  Dr. Musiba said out loud but he was thinking,  “Thank goodness he was dead or we could have gotten our butts kicked!”

Snow_and_ice_scenic_landscape
“I can’t feel my anything.”

Coldest place on earth discovered

Scientists have discovered a place on earth so cold that anyone out in it for even a short period of time “would see their eyes, nose and lungs freeze up within minutes.”

Scientists didn’t go on to elaborate how someone whose eyes were frozen could see their nose and lungs freeze up or how a person could see their nose and lungs freeze up even if their eyes weren’t already frozen, but Coldest Place on Earth Scientists are quick to conclude that another study involving frozen noses, eyes and lungs is in order.

One lasting between six months and six years at least! The scientists are currently writing to the government asking for a  grant which is going to be harder than the scientists thought while wearing mittens.

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

A Very ‘OMG!! Shut the Hell Up, Girlfriend!’ Christmas!

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , ,

Merry Christmas Dear Readers and welcome to the very first day of the five days of Blog Festivus 2013.  For Blog Festivus 2013,  I’ll be posting a 200-word Christmas story every day this week based on Charles Dickens Christmas Carol.   For more details, pop over to Blogdramedy and  read all about it!

A Very ‘OMG!! Shut the Hell Up, Girlfriend!‘ Christmas!

OMG!! Shut the hell up, girlfriend!  Did I hear you correctly?  You’re telling me my boyfriend, Ebenezer Scrooge, is getting me a Christmas gift this year? The original Mr. Cheapskate? What’s that?  You have it on good authority!  Why that adorable, darling, wonderful Neezy! Who knew he was such a sweetheart?  OMG!! I just thought of something, girlfriend!  OMG!! It’s an engagement ring, isn’t it, girlfriend?  OMG!! What’s that?  You can’t tell me?  Shut the hell up, girlfriend, of course you can!  OMG!! I promise I won’t spill the beans.  Ebenezer’s not home now anyways.   He’s over at some relative’s house duct taping somebody’s crutch back together.  Who’s crutch? Oh, I don’t know, someone named Tiny Tim, I think.  Ebenezer broke it trying to fish a penny out of a storm drain!  They wanted him to pay for it?  Can you imagine my Neezy paying for anything? What’s that?  No.  I don’t know why they call him Tiny Tim.  Maybe he’s a midget or something. Who cares?  I’m getting engaged!  OMG!! What’s that?  Yes, I know you didn’t say it was an engagement ring.  But shut the hell up, girlfriend!  It’s an engagement ring!! OMG!!

"What? An engagement right for Moi? Shut the hell up, girlfriend!"
“What? An engagement right for moi? Shut the hell up, girlfriend!”

Until next time . . . I love you

Friday Fictioneers: Trevor, Satan’s Admin Guy

Linda Vernon Friday Fictioneers , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers to this week’s Friday Fictioneers’ 100-word story picture-prompt challenge!  Here’s this week’s picture prompt:

seagulls-wicklund
Copyright – E.A. Wicklund

Trevor, Satan’s Admin Guy

Come into my office, Trevor

Yes Mr. Satan.

Call me Beelzebub. 

Yes Mr. Satan.

What’s on today’s agenda?

Shoveling the good intentions off the road, sir.

Cancel.

Why?

I hear the Lord’s creating seagulls today. We need to sabotage that effort.  Ideas?

Annoying squawks, sir?

I like that!

They could love eating garbage, sir.

Sweet! What else?

They could pester the hell out of picnickers.

Perfect!  Take the afternoon off, Trevor!

Thank you!

And Trevor?

Yes?

Pick up my blue dress from the cleaners on your way home, but keep it on the down low, huh?

Yes Mr. Satan.

If you want to join the Friday Fictioneers story-writing challenge fun, check out the details at  Rochelle Wisoff-Fields’ blog Addicted to Purple. where a wonderful group of supportive writers hang out.  Write a 100-word story about the picture she posts each week!  It’s a whole lot of fun and I highly recommend you give whirl!  

Until next time. . . I love you

Pottery Barn: The Decor That Will Make You More Intriguing

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers! Happy Friday! Well after a long week of slaving over a hot keyboard, this blog is taking the day off, and is serving up this archived Pottery Barn post for your viewing pleasure! Have a great Friday! See you tomorrow!

Dear Readers!  The new Pottery Barn Catalog just arrived and not a moment too soon!  For you see, in this issue of The Catalog, Pottery Barn finally provides solutions to how we, as boring, ordinary citizens, can become more intriguing!

“Your Home Tells the Intriguing Story of who you are, where you’ve been and what inspires you most.” — Pottery Barn Catalog August 2012

What Pottery Barn means by this is that your home WILL tell an intriguing story of how intriguing you are IF you purchase fake-intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn.

Frankly, PB suspects you’re not all that intriguing which is why Pottery Barn has taken the liberty of punching up your life through the use of decor that implies you are all that and a bag of potato chips. Let’s look as some examples, shall we?

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn wall decor says about you is:

  You don’t quite understand about the alphabet. 

Oh sure we all learned our ABC’s . . . except for you.  Why?  Because you were too busy helping Pottery Barn’s “Grams.”

Pottery Barn White Board ($56) where Grams makes her first appearance in the Pottery Barn Catalog
Pottery Barn’s White Board ($56) featuring “Grams”

For you see, you were always hunting for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard with your beloved Pottery Barn Grams and therefore; you never attended school with all the other “saps” which means you can’t read or write. So now you obsessively nail gigantic wooden letters to your walls.  So what? That’s not weird, it’s intriguing!

The intriguing story this Pottery Barn vignette says about you is:

You’re favorite snack is honey and shredded Parmesan cheese.

Ah! Nothing quenches the thirst and eases the hunger pangs quite like a refreshing jar of honey and a big ol’ heaping bowl of shredded Parmesan cheese after a long day of helping Grams frantically dig for truffles at Martha’s Vineyard in the backyard estates of the rich and famous before they come home.

You and Grams prefer a snack that sticks to your ribs, your fingers as well as your Pottery Barn Vintage Printer’s Customizable Cabinet!  Oh sure, let people roll their eyes at how messy you are!  That’s the difference between them and you.  They’re stupid, and YOU’RE INTRIGUING!

The  intriguing story this Pottery Barn Blackboard says about you is:

Your grandmother is a drug dealer.

If you look closely at this blackboard, you will see that somebody has written “EMPTY Da Da Da Da.”  and  “Do EMPTY 4” 

And you know you didn’t write it because you are too intriguing to know how to read and write.  Could it have been Grams?

Wait a minute why are the police leading Grams out to that police car?

What? All those truffles Grams was digging up (and sampling) turned out to be hallucinogenic mushrooms which she apparently was selling to earn money to purchase intriguing-story-about-you decor from Pottery Barn?

Ha ha!  That Grams!  While most grandmothers are sitting at home in their rocker knitting sweaters, reading  Reader’s Digest and clipping coupons, YOUR Grams is trading cigarettes, working out and filing appeals!

And if that doesn’t make YOU intriguing, Pottery Barn doesn’t know what does!

Until next time . . . I love you

Edgar Allan Poe’s Cheery Living Magazine

Linda Vernon Magazine Mashups, The Daily Routine, Trying to Cheer Up Edgar Allan Poe , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  I am so excited! As you may know, from time to time this blog takes it upon itself  to attempt to cheer up American Literature’s most Gloomy Gus, Edgar Allan Poe.  And in that light, I feel this blog is making a little progress.   Check out Edgar Allan Poe’s new magazine! Cheering up Edgar Allan Poe, Linda Vernon Humor

WE can only hope, Dear Readers, that this his new positive attitude has staying power!

 

Until next time . . . I love you

33-Word Trifecta: Tether Ball, The Sport of Kings

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine, Trifecta Writing Challenges , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to the Weekend Trifecta Challenge.  Today, we are challenged to write 33-word story incorporating the words: Tether, Loft and Crown.

Tether Ball, The Sport of Kings

Entertainment-Acrobat-Photo-The-Human-Fly1
King George

When King George would loft himself hither

To attach his ball to the tether

The jab made him cough

And his crown would slip off

Cause if it ain’t one thing it’s anither

Until next time . . . I love you

Photo:  Public Domain — Vintage Printables

AARP: Making Getting Old and Dying FUN!

Linda Vernon It Came In the Mail, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers.  Good News!  We’re going to get old!  We’re going to die! And it’s going to be so much frigging  FUN!

And all because of AARP.  Everybody’s “Getting Old and Dying” BFF!

 In fact!  I think we should click on The Stars and Stripes Forever before we continue and take a moment  to celebrate this inevitability, not only in our hearts, but also,  in our ears as well  because, after all,  the word “hear” is just the word “heart” without the “t’.

Are you ready for the “Getting Old and Dying” AARP  good news?

Before we continue, I have to issue a word of caution:  Those of you who AARP has pegged as  “getting old and dying” need to be warned that AARP is pretty sure  this news is going to blow your orthopedic socks off your crippled, bunion-covered feet!

 The Drumroll Please!

Anybody have a kleenex?
That’s right, Dear Readers, I’ve been approved for AARP  Life Insurance! That means they are giving me permission to die any time now and/or at my earliest convenience!  Talk about a cause for whoopin’ it up!!

I don’t know how the Vernon Family will celebrate getting money from my AARP Whole Life Insurance once I’m dead, but I kind of hope it’s with a Hootenanny or at the very least a HootenGranny.  (Sorry for the bad joke, I’m old, I’m going to die and my bunions are killing me!)

But wait!  There’s more!   Included in this AARP Life Insurance offer is this inexplicable AARP Medicare Supplement Plan Brochure:

Linda Vernon Humor AARP Send up
Huh?

I don’t know what to make of this, Dear Readers.   Why do these two people represent a team?  And why are they playing softball with a grapefruit?

Oh!  Perhaps  AARP is just messing with my pre-posthumous synapses yet again? (Oh that AARP, always with the jokes! Hahaha!)

Oh wait . . . maybe the two people represent an Ebony and Ivory thing!  That would be apropos, I suppose, because, I don’t know about you, Dear Readers, but the song Ebony and Ivory, does make me want to die.

Now don’t worry  if you are having trouble wrapping your posthumous-synapsed brain around any of the AARP’s “Growing Old and Dying” money-making offers.  They’ve anticipated your confusion and have provided a solution:

AARP Offers help to potential customers

Now doesn’t that sound like fun?  In fact,  I think you’ll have to agree that nobody puts the FUN in Funeral like AARP, nobody!

Until next time . . . I love you