satire

My Brain, Peanuts, Thinks up a Magazine

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  It’s time for Magazine mash-ups where  my brain, Peanuts, thinks up ideas for new magazines!   Let’s take a look at what Peanuts  thought up this time, shall we?

Peanuts took this British Business Journal:

Linda Vernon Humor Magazine Mashups

And this cutting-edge tattoo magazine, Inked 

Linda Vernon Humor Magazine Mashups

And combined it with this obscure foreign publication call Son:

Linda Vernon Humor Magazine Mashups

To come up with

Viola! 

Magazine Mashups Linda Vernon Humor

Naturally, Peanuts needs to have some writers on staff.  In a perfect world, here’s how Peanuts envisions the dream writers for Prison Magazine:

Editor-in-Chief:   Mugsy Malone (aka Martha Stewart)

Mugsy Malone's got Jailbird cred.
Mugsy Malone’s got jail-bird cred

Who better to lead the dream-team staff of Prison Magazine writers than America’s prettiest tax evader, Mugsy Malone or Martha Stewart — as she is sometimes referred to on the “outside.” Whether she’s writing about prison cafeteria cuisine, orange-jumper haute couture or crafting one’s very own bitchin’ gang tattoo, Mugsy Malone’s been there, done that!

Food Critic:   Peter Clemenza

254871-tl_gf_richard_s_castellano_large
Peter “take the gun, leave the cannoli” Clemenza

Cannoli expert and bad-to-the-bone-but-lovable Peter Clemenza, would be my brain, Peanuts,  dream choice for  Prison Magazine’s food critic, because he is the Prison System cuisine’s  leading expert on cannoli.

Over the years Peter Clemenza has developed a variety of ways to serve cannoli such as:  leave the knife,  take the cannoli, — leave the hand-grenade, take the cannoli — and the always popular —  leave the machete, take the cannoli.

  Health and Beauty Editor:  Bonnie

Linda Vernon Humor, Magazine Mashups
Even when murdering, Bonnie looks to die for!

As one of America’s most put-together killers, Bonnie of Bonnie and Clyde would be my brain, Peanuts ideal choice for Prison Magazine’s, health and beauty editor.  

After a long day of murder, mayhem and out-running the cops, I think you’ll agree, that Bonnie still manages to stay fresh as a daisy, or, failing that, as fresh as someone who just caused someone to be pushing up daisies.   Either way, she would be Prison Magazine’s  ideal Health and Beauty Editor. 

And there you have it, Dear Readers, my brain, Peanuts, fantasy magazine!

Until next time . . . I love you

33-Word Trifecta Writing Challenge: If you know what I mean

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine, Trifecta Writing Challenges , , , , , , ,

Welcome Dear Readers!  The 33-Word Trifecta writing Challenge for this weekend is to write your own spin on the following quote:

Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. –Henry James –

Here’s my take:

↓

Keep scrolling . . . .

↓

And scrolling . . . .

↓

Isn’t this fun? . . . 

↓

Just a little bit farther . . . .

↓

Ah here we are! . . . 

There are three ways to look at any situation.  There’s the first way if you know what I mean.  There’s the second way if you know what I mean, and there’s the third way if you know what I mean.

gratutitutas picture
Gratuitous Trifecta Challenge Picture

Until next time . . . I love you (If you know what I mean)

The Bible According to Gregory: Awkward Moments for Moses

Linda Vernon Sunday School Dropout Bible Stories , , , , , , ,

Welcome, Dear Readers, to this Sunday’s edition of The Bible According to Gregory.

Let’s listen in and see what Gregory learned in Sunday school this morning, shall we?

Awkward Moments For Moses

One beautiful biblical morning, the Lord began saying to Moses.  “Depart and go up from here to the land of which I swore to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob  . . .”

While the Lord was talking, Moses began sighing and  picking leaves out of his sheep’s fur, secretly wishing the Lord wouldn’t always feel the need to recap the entire events of mankind before moving on to His next topic.

“. . . I will send My angel, and I will drive out the Hittites, the Canaanites and Amorites . . .”

Moses quietly opened his satchel and started nibbling on his fig sandwich.

“. . . and the Hittite, the Perizzite and the Hivite and Jebusites . . .”

While Moses was adjusting his sandals the Lord said,”Go  up to a land flowing with milk and honey  for I will not go in your midst, lest I consume you on the way, for you are a stiff-necked people.“

Say what?  Did the Lord just say he liked to consume stiff-necked people?

” Okaaaaay . . .  ” Moses said, “but just a quick question, Lord.  By consume, You don’t by any chance mean “eat”  stiff-necked people, do you?  Moses hung his head while he asked the queston to make his neck looked limper.  “I only ask because eat and consume usually mean the same thing.”

But the Lord didn’t hear Moses’ question, what with all the noisy sacrificing going on in the background.

When Moses relayed to his people, the Peoplites, about the Lord’s plans to relocate them to the land of Milk and Honey — but that the Lord wouldn’t be coming along personally due His, ahem,  Inappropriate Eating Problem, they mourned and took off all their ornaments and laid them on the ground. (This was way before they had Christmas trees to hang them on.)

Then the Lord told Moses exactly what to say to the Peoplites about his inappropriate eating problem.

“Say to the children of Israel, “you are a stiff-necked people, I could come up into your midst one moment and consume you. Now therefore take off your ornaments so that I may know what to do.” 

Either the stiff-necked Peoplite’s ornaments were jingling so loud the Lord couldn’t hear himself think, or the Lord wanted them to take off the ornaments as they tended to get stuck in the Lord’s Beard whenever He “consumed” stiff-necked Peoplites.

Anyway, by now the Lord and Moses were pretty close friends.  By today’s standards, they would have not only been friends on Facebook; they would have made sure to click the like button on each other’s blog posts.

So Moses pitched a “meeting tent” where he and the Lord could meet.   Moses sat inside the tent while the Lord appeared outside the tent as a pillar of smoke, (the Lord’s favorite avatar).

Everything was going really great, relationship-wise, until one day Moses blurted out, “Would you mind if I took a peek at your real face, Lord?

What followed was an awkward silence of epic proportions.   Finally the Lord just flat out told Moses that if he showed Moses his face Moses, Moses would die from looking at it — thither on the spot!

Talk about awkward! After that Moses didn’t know what to say and either did the Lord.

Finally the Lord just completely changed the subject. “Cut two stones and meet me up on Mt. Sinai tomorrow, Moses.”

“Sure!” Moses said, hugely relieved.  May I inquire as to why?”  Moses sat down and prepared himself for another of the  Lord’s  long, drawn-out explanation.

“That’s for me to know and you to find out” was all the Lord would say.

  Stay tune next week when Gregory retells what he  learned about the Ten Commandments in Sunday School.

Until next time . . . I love you

Moses listens to the lord, Linda Vernon Humor
“No I’ve been listening, Lord. You were saying something about the Vermiculites?
“No, Moses, I was talking about the Hittites! Will you stop fooling with your sandal and listen!”

Free art from Wiki

A Bad Case of Pottery Barn Catalog-ism

Linda Vernon Pottery Barn , , , , , , ,

OK, I admit it, Dear Readers.  I suffer from Pottery Catalog-ism!  This terrible disorder can strike anyone at anytime.  It is characterized by an intense over-interest in the Pottery Barn Catalog for which there is no known cure.

Please rest assured that I do not hold Pottery Barn in any way responsible for my condition.  But until a cure is found, the pages of the Pottery Barn Catalog shall be an endless source of interest to me.  With this in mind, let’s discuss:

Loose fit slip covers!  They’re imported!!

Pottery Barn is offering this “drop cloth loose-fit couch cover” for only $79.00. Nevermind that it took a whole heap of tucking, tugging and twisting as well as wringing, wrestling and wrenching plus a good amount of yanking and yelling (and sometimes even yodeling!) by the entire staff of Pottery Barn professionals made up of 25 designers, 17 craftsmen, 4 jugglers, and a wino who happened to be walking by — to get this thing to look like it’s worth 79 bucks.

Of course, it will look like this the first time somebody sits down on it:

“But I didn’t even lean back!”

But it doesn’t matter, drop-cloth couch slip covers are still cool!  Because why? Why because they’re imported, that’s why!  Which automatically makes them better.

PB doesn’t specify where they have imported them from, but this rustic little cottage in the Ukraine countryside looks  a tad familiar:

“The importers are here! Somebody get the Tide Stick! Hurry!”

 Now, let’s take a closer look at the coffee table shall we?

Pottery Barn is elevating the art of unexpected decor in this Nod-to-Dentistry vignette with its smart smattering of decorative dental instrumentation tastefully arranged in the dish and the re-purposed pickle jar.

And is that a roll of gauze or perhaps a drinking vessel reminiscent of a roll of gauze?  This can only mean one of two things: 1) PB customers are spending way too much money on imported, drop-cloth couch covers and re-purposed pickle jars — forcing them to perform their own root canals — or it’s simply Pottery Barn’s salute to gum disease.

Well shut our mouths, Dear Readers! Leave it to Pottery Barn to put the Causal Living in Rinsing and Spitting.

Until next time . . . I love you

My Brain, Peanuts, Flips Through a Magazine

Linda Vernon My Brain, Peanuts, The Daily Routine , , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  And welcome to Friday, the apple of the week’s eye!  Today My brain, Peanuts and I thought it might be fun to take the day off from our usual silliness to just sit back and flip through magazines. 

Oh Lookee! Here’s a magazine that says San Francisco on it:

7 x7 San Francisco Magazine Send up

First of all, Peanuts notices that this is one of those expensive magazines wherein the cover doesn’t feel like it’s made out of old-fashion paper but, instead, it feels like it’s made out of some sort of super-strong, space-age material that was developed by NASA should a situation arise wherein NASA would need to, say, tow the moon to another solar system or whatever it is NASA is always developing super-strong, space-age material for.

(Peanuts is suddenly thirsty for Tang. Peanuts is going to go get some Tang.  Peanuts will wait if you want to go get some Tang too.)

Now where were we?  Oh yes Peanuts is trying to figure out what this magazine is going to be about.  But Peanuts is confused.

Linda Vernon Humor Pretentious Magazines Is this magazine going to be about 7 x 7?  Is this magazine going to be about Art + Design?  Is this magazine going to have an arithmetic test at the end? (If so, Peanuts hopes it’s multiple choice.)

Peanuts wonders why  the girl on the cover so sad.  Is she sad because she’s got runs in her stockings?  Or is she sad because she’s got no pants and nothing to sit on? Maybe she’s so sad because she can’t find her balloon?  (Peanuts thinks she should check her hair.)

(Let’s take time out for a little Tang gulping shall we?  Mmmm . . . .)

Oh Good!  Here’s the Editor’s Letter.  Maybe the Editor’s letter can explain to Peanuts what this magazine is going to be about:

Editor's Letter Pretentious Magazine

Peanuts reads that when the girl in the picture, Chloe, was six years old, she furrowed her brow at a ruined masterpiece she drew — but Chloe’s mother said Chloe could turn her ruined masterpiece into a redemptive ocean which made Chloe happy.  This says to Peanuts that Chloe was very smart for knowing when she was only six — 1) how to furrow her brow and 2) what a redemptive ocean was.

Peanuts is feeling a little bummed right now because Peanuts is ten times that old, and, while Peanuts’s brow is permanently furrowed,  Peanuts still doesn’t know what a redemptive ocean is and probably never will.  (Peanuts does like the way Chloe puts  that little x and that slash over the ‘e’ in her signature though.)

(Peanuts is adding more spoonfuls of Tang to Peanuts’s Tang right now.  Mmmm. . .  try it, it’s really good!)

Peanuts is getting tired of flipping through magazines now. Peanuts is just going to flip to one more page and then Peanuts is going to go outside and play:

pretentious Magazines Linda Vernon Humor

Oh Great Caesar’s Ghost!  Peanuts knew there was going to be a test at the end!  Peanuts told you so!! Well, at least it’s multiple choice which makes not knowing what the magazine was about go down a little smoother.  Just like Tang!

(Peanuts says let’s just forget about flipping through magazines and just go eat some Tang right out of the jar!  Wanna?)

Until next time . . . my brain

The Signature of My Brain Peanuts Linda Vernon Humor  loves you

Screw It Monday

Linda Vernon Screw It Monday , , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  Now I know it’s Monday, and we Go-Get-‘er Americans are always supposed to be productive as all get out on Mondays or at least look like we are, but today Dear Readers, I say screw it! (Yes, I’m even pulling out the word “screw”  –sometimes I get in a mood and there’s no holding me back!)

What’s say we recklessly thumb through an old book instead, shall we?

Here’s a book I found  at the thrift store. (Quelle surprise !)  It’s entitled Horizon.  But it’s really more like a magazine. It’s a collection of random topics and pictures.  Here’s the cover:

Horizon, American Heritage Publishing Company Linda Vernon Humor
The book says this portrait is called A Lady with a Pink.  It is the work of Hans Memling from the 15th century,  which means it was either painted in the 1400’s or the 1600’s. I can never get that straight, but then again, that’s the least of my problems. Let’s just take a wild guess and say it was painted in 1473 and be done with it.  There now, wasn’t that easy?

Okay, now let’s imagine a dialogue between Hans Memling and his wife right after he showed her  A Lady with a Pink:

Wife:  Honey It’s adorable! Ah!  I just love that little spit curl at the top of her forehead.

Hans:  Thank you.

Wife: But, honey, may I make a suggestion?  Don’t you think her head’s a skosh too big? I mean doesn’t she look like she’s got a five-head going on?


Hans:  What? No! Her head really looks like that.

Wife:  Okay,  but I think you might want to erase some of her head.  But leave in the spit curl.  That spit curl just makes it pop. What are you calling it?

Hans:  A Lady with a Pink.

Wife:  A lady with a pink what? . . .  Hans, didn’t you hear me? . . .  I said a lady with a pink what?   Ha ha very funny, Hans!  You can stop pretending like you’re dead again. . . Hans?

A Lady with a Pink doesn’t really look all that hard to draw in my opinion.

A Lady with a Pink . . . .Linda vernon humor
See it’s cinchy.

Okay, I’m admitting flat-out that my version isn’t as good as Hans’s  but at least she’s wearing something pink. (I updated her hair color a little too.)  And I gotta say, IMHO I nailed that spit curl better than Hans Memling did.  God rest his 15th century soul.

Okay, that’s enough about the cover.  Now let’s crack open the book, Dear Readers!  Oh boy . . . there are so many weird pictures inside . . . let’s just stick some captions on them:

funny man who cuts topiaries, Linda Vernon Humor

man walking dogs, Linda Vernon Humor

Man dressed as knight who needs to go to the bathroom. Linda Vernon Humor

Man with helmut standing next to a robot. Linda Vernon Humor

Of course there are lots more weird pictures in our old book, but remember, we don’t want to work too hard today, what with it being Screw It Monday!  So let’s just call it a day and go do something even more unproductive than this, if possible.

Until next time . . . I love you

Trifecta Writing 33-Word Writing Challenge: Pushing Kevin’s Buttons

Linda Vernon Trifecta Writing Challenges , , , , , ,

This week’s 33-word Trifecta Challenge was to rearrange words from the 33rd page of Trifecta’s favorite book:  Elizabeth Strout’s Olive Kitteridge.

Page 33 Olive Kitterage, linda vernon humorLinda Vernon Humor

Pushing Kevin’s Buttons

Dr. Goldstein peered carefully beneath his ribs. “No bicycle, no basketball-hoop —  pine needles!

Kevin could not abide the thought of pine needles!

“Hackmatack needles?” Kevin shouted with panic.

“Never mind!” Dr. Goldstein said.

pine needles, linda vernon humor
“I fixed a bed of pine needles for you, Kevin!”
“Oh thank you . . . .wait a minute! Those aren’t Hackmatack needles are they? Because I take umbrage with Hackmatack needles!”
“No they’re just regular pine needles, Kevin.”
“Oh terrific!  Thanks!”

Until next time . . . I love you

Hey It’s Friday! Let’s Dance Austrian Style!

Linda Vernon Baby Eating and Whatnot, Uncategorized , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  Well it’s Friday which means it’s time to fish something out of this blog’s archives in honor of this blog’s lazy streak!  Let’s see . . . oh here’s a blog about Austrian Folk Dancing to start your Friday off with a kick!

Save Room for Shuh

“Sometimes I just want to haul off and punch you!”
“What? But wwwhhhyyy?”

I found a wonderful Viennese Folk Dancing LP at the thrift store for us to examine more closely.  Let’s take a little look-see, shall we?

“Ya, we’re folk dancing, ya!”

The back of the album tells us that this collection of Viennese dance-songs are sung by Austrian man peasants while other Austrian peasants perform intricate Viennese folk dances.

Well, now!   Doesn’t that sound like a fine kettle of Neujahrsschießen?

I may not know much about the country of Austria, but that definitely doesn’t stop me from thinking I do.  Here’s my best guess about what the Viennese songs and folk dances might be about from what I can glean from their titles.

First up is the hauntingly beautiful Viennese Folk Song Entitled:

Hochzeitmarsch aus Ebensee (from Tanze)

This ironic folk dance opens with the Austrian peasant, Hoch, who is wading in the marsh when he becomes stuck in the mud clear up to his eben, see?  And a beautiful peasant girl, Aus from Tanze,  grabs him — and in a series of complicated twists — manages to free his eben, see?

The act of which paralyzes Hoch for the rest of his life, even though Hoch inexplicably retains the full use of his eben, see? Which is probably where the irony comes in but nobody is really sure what’s going on so maybe not.

Next is the surprisingly poignant:

Schuhplattler (from Bauernmusi)

Austrian Peasant, Mrs. Butterhorn, dances exuberantly past all the young maidens in the village of Bauernmusi carrying a large plattler of schuh.  The maidens  jump and twirl for joy as Mrs. Butterhorn carries her plattler of Schuh through the village square where they all gaily sit down at the annual Neujahrsschießen Feast!

Everybody partakes heartily and dies shortly thereafter from food poisoning which everybody blamed on a bad batch of Schuh.  Things are pretty much downhill from there on out.  If you ever decide to go to a live performance of Schuhplattler, definitely plan to leave at the intermission.

And finally, a story that is near and dear to all our hearts:

Guggu Polka

Of all the music and dancing performed on this LP, Guggu Polka is perhaps the most well-known.  We join our revelers just as Austria’s most famous seafaring explorer, Guggu Polka shimmies his way into town in celebration of his historic discovery that there is absolutely no way to get to the ocean from Austria.

His crew of 18 sailors do a fantastic kick line while dragging the would-be seafaring vessel christened The Hokey Pokey along behind them. Then the villagers put their right foot in and put their right foot out and that’s when Guggu Polka trips and dies.  It may not have a happy ending, but sometimes that’s what it’s all about.

Until next time . . . I Bauerngalopp you

“That’s the lamest high five I’ve ever seen.”

The 33-Word Trifecta Writing Challenge: Another Day Perhaps Trifecta

Linda Vernon Trifecta Writing Challenges , , , , , , ,

This weekend’s 33 word Trifecta Challenge is as follows: This weekend, we’re sending you back to English 101 to revisit the concept of literary devices.  We want you to give us a 33-word example of personification.  Wait.  What?  You forget what that is?  It’s the practice of attaching human traits and characteristics with inanimate objects, phenomena and animals (http://literary-devices.com). 

Another Day Perhaps Trifecta

Trifecta Challenge threw its gauntlet into the ring — spilling third definitions everywhere.  In my haste to clean it up, I almost threw in the towel.  Ha!  Another day perhaps, Trifecta . . . another day perhaps . . . 

9727142_s
“Definition One . . . Definition Two . . . “
“Hey I think she’s coming to.”
“Thank God!”

*

Until next time . . .  I love you

The Pillsbury Cookbook People of 1967

Linda Vernon Edible Tales , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers!  Today we will be thumbing through this 1967 Pillsbury cookbook to see if we can get a glimpse into the lives of the people who populated the 1967 pages of Pillsbury’s world of cooking.

1967 Pillsbury Time Save Cook Book

Join me as I open some pages, won’t you?

Much of Marriage happens in the kitchen?  Get out!

Here we find Über Exuberant Pillsbury Husband and Pillsbury Wife happily enjoying quality togetherness perusing the pages of their Pillsbury Cookbook, the pillar upon which their Über successful marriage is entirely based.

a couple looked at a Pillsbury cookbook

Candlelight remembered . . . That little restaurant . . . His laughable attempts to duplicate a secret sauce . . . because in 1967 Pillsbury Husbands were apparently total bozos . .

man and woman enjoying Pillsbury Cookbook together

Of course, in 1967 not only was Pillsbury Husband a Bozo, so was his offspring, Pillsbury Bozo Junior.

Here we get a glimpse into the mind of Pillsbury Bozo Junior.  While most boys his age were dreaming about hitting home runs or winning the Indianapolis 500, Pillsbury Bozo Junior was dreaming

about this:

Pillsbury dough boy dreaming A bowl of technicolor yawn enclosed inside a tumorous spleen!

and this:

1967 boy dreaming of food

A vision of rolled turkey roast and Jiffy Quick Dressing with Snappy Sweet Potatoes . . . shh . . . don’t snap too loudly Snappy Sweet Potatoes or you’ll awaken Pillsbury Bozo Junior from his glutenous slumber!

Oh and we can’t forget this:

Pillsbury boy dreaming of pumpkin pie

Pancreas stuffed Pumpkin pie and candied Christmas Balls! Sleep tight precious, Pillsbury Bozo Junior, sleep tight.

And just as the people who populated the Pillsbury Cookbook of 1967 were starting to get boringly predictable —

–with all their joy and all their internal organs galore — The Pillsbury Cookbook People of 1967 suddenly throw in this thought-provoking page of strangeness:

Pillsbury Cookbook 1967, bong bong

So ask not for whom the bell tolls, Dear Reader, it tolls for thee Pillsbury Cookbook People of 1967.

Until next time . . . I  love you

Guess Who Won the Second 2012 Presidential Debates

Linda Vernon Our Beloved Al , , , , , , , , ,

The Second 2012 Presidential Debates

Hello everyone, my name is Candy Crawley and I will be the moderator for tonight’s second Presidential debate.

“Gentlemen, my first question is for President Obama.  What number is the loneliest number?”

“As the president of the United States for the last four years, Candy, I can definitely say that the loneliest would be the Number One!”

Okay thank you.  Now Mr. Romney it’s your turn.  What number would you say is the loneliest number?

“I’ve been saying all along ever since I was the boss of the whole Olympics in Utah that the loneliest number is the Number One, Candy!”

“Now wait just a minute, Candy, my opponent, Governor Romney says the loneliest number is the Number One , Candy, but lookee!  He’s holding up three fingers, Candy!  Lookee! Lookee!”

“Now just a doggone minute there!  I stated the loneliest number was Number One even before I even walked out on stage even, Candy!”

“I’m sorry, Governor Romney, I just gotta wipe off that jam, it’s really buggin’ me.”

Okay, Gentlemen, I’m afraid that’s all the time I can give you on jam gentlemen. We must move on.

“But Candy!  I didn’t get to say how I got jam on my suit!”

I’m sorry we must move on! I’ve got a question from one of the 82 uncommitted voters . . .  yes what is your question, sir?”

“Hello.  My name is Al Gore.  I would like to know if either of the can-di-dates know of any stores close by that sell Funyuns?”

“Mr. Gore that is not a question that we are going to waste time on this evening.  If you were hungry for Funyuns, you should have purchased a bag of them before you came to the debate tonight like I did!”

“Now don’t be so hasty, Candy.  As President of the United States, it just so happens I brought a bag of Funyuns with me to the debates tonight, and  Al Gore can have my bag of Funyuns! After all, Al Gore invented the internet, Candy!”

“Now wait t just a doggone minute, Candy!  I brought a bag of Funyuns too AND a jar of Olympic Commemorative Jam — all the way from Utah.   Al Gore can have my bag of Funyuns AND my jar of  jam!  It’s the least I can do for a guy who invented the internet.  I insist!”

“Well, America, I think we know who’s going home the clear winner tonight, and that is Mr. Global Warming and Internet Inventor, himself, Al Gore!  So what do you have to say about that Al?

“The future will be better tomorrow.”

I think that says it all America, don’t you?  I’m Candy Crawley and thank you for watching.  

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

A Pottery Barn Emergency: Grams is Missing!

Linda Vernon Pottery Barn , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers,

There is troubling news afoot!   Pottery Barn has issued an official all points bulletin to alert the public that Pottery Barn’s beloved Grams is missing!

Pottery Barn’s Daily System Tool White Board Calendar 24 x 19″ h. $54.00

According to the above pictured white board Grams left on Labor Day to go truffle hunting in the Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest (that Pottery Barn and Pottery Barn only has dibs on!) and hasn’t been seen since!  And frankly, Dear Readers,  Pottery Barn is starting to get worried!

Have You Seen This Person?

Pottery Barn Grams
Missing since Labor Day
Last seen Hunting Truffles in Pottery Barn Sustainable Forest
Wanted Dead or Alive (first choice would be alive)
$15.00 REWARD!!!!!

Naturally Pottery Barn is beside itself with concern and has placed a call to their enclave of Master Crafters headquartered in a barn made of pottery deep in the secret sustainable forests utilizing this Pottery Barn Grand Retro-Styled Phone: featuring flash, push buttons and redial, $59 — but, unfortunately, PB just keeps getting the answering machine (also retro-styled $79 – metal finish).

“Dear God Master Crafters please please pick up!”

Pottery Barn Investigators were able to trace Gram’s trail (by following the crushed walnut shells and orange peels – Grams’ favorite snack) to this outdoor sitting area featuring Pottery Barn’s FSLIC-certified solid eucalyptus  Chesapeake Collection Sectional $2,748 (free shipping).

The Pottery Barn lab test results revealed Gram’s tooth mark was indeed present in one of the Imported Chocolate AmarettoTruffels that Grams liked to pig out on always loved so much!

After that, the Pottery Barn Bloodhounds were then able to sniff out a trail leading to this beautiful Kensington Tilt Mirror framed in rust resistant solid brass.  Trackers are pretty certain that Grams jumped out of the window reflected therein.

It is believed that Gram’s barely had time to appreciate the Satin Nickel finish on this Kensington Tilt Mirror $179 and only available online –before hastily exiting the vignette.

Pottery is as bitterly disappointed as you and I, Dear Readers, that they, as yet, have not been able to locate Grams.  But they have vowed to keep looking until they either find their beloved Grams or get tired of looking!  Until then, Pottery Barn will be holding a candlelight vigil/candle sale at a Pottery Barn stores nationwide.

Pottery Barn’s signature pillar candle is hand-poured of pure unscented paraffin with a 100% cotton wick so that the tunnel burns straight down so that the sides hold up and the candle burns from within until Grams is found. 4″ diam., 4.5″ h. $24 $23 (Saturday only)

Until next time . . . if you see Grams remember there’s $15 in it for you!

Trying (Yet Again) to Cheer Up Edgar Allan Poe

Linda Vernon The Daily Routine , , , , , , ,

Hello Dear Readers. As you may recall, from time to time, this blog takes it upon itself to try to cheer up America’s most famous Gloomy Gus, Edgar Allan Poe.

“At midnight, in the month of June, I stand beneath the mystic moon.”

“Uh . . . Edgar, what are you doing outside at midnight?  Don’t you realize it’s 1835 and antibiotics haven’t even been invented yet?  It’s almost like you’re trying to catch cholera. For god’s sakes, Edgar, go home and go to bed!”

“An opiate vapor, dewy, dim, Exhales from out her golden rim.”

“Okay, I hate to be the one to break it to you, Edgar, but the moon doesn’t have a golden rim; plus, I’m pretty sure the moon’s a boy.  I really must insist you put down your pipe now and go in the house.”

“And, softly dripping , drop by drop, Upon the quiet mountain top”

“Now that’s a nice upbeat phrase.  I like it because it’s positive.  Why don’t you tell me another one while I lead you into the house.    I’m just going to take you by the hand!  Yikes your hand is cold!” What do you have ice cubes in your pockets?”

“The rosemary nods upon the grave; the lily lolls upon the wave”

“Sckrrrreeeechk . . . record scratch!  There you go again with the graves. I don’t care if ALL your friends are dead, Ed, sitting around the graveyard moping 24/7  is just going to make things worse.  Oh, and are you sure lolls is a word?  You might want to double check it with your friend, Daniel Webster — if he’s still alive, that is. Ha ha.  No! No! Edgar he is still alive I was just kidding.  It was a joke Edgar!”

“All beauty sleeps!- and lo! where lies; Irene, and with her Destinies”

“Irene? What happened to the Lenore your raven was always flapping his beak about?  Oh, so now that you’re a big fancy poet you just cast Lenore aside for Irene?  Lenore who stuck by you when you were a nobody?  And now that you’re a big shot writer you just cast her aside for some floozy named Irene?”

“The Lady sleeps!  Oh, may her sleep, which is enduring so be deep!”

“Hey lookee here, Edgar!  I bet you’ve never seen this before?  It’s called duct tape, and I’m just going to stick it over your mouth like so!  There now that’s better.  That’s much, much better!”

* * *

Until next time . . . I love you

A Glimpse into the Food Lives of People From the Past

Linda Vernon 1950's, Edible Tales, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers!  What fruitful weekend I had at the Thrift Store.  I was lucky enough to find this Heinz Ketchup cookbook from 1957!

You see, back in 1957, before life was unnecessarily complicated with Twitter, Facebook and the radio alarm clock, people would stay home and cook dishes that required a lot of Heinz Ketchup.

Let’s take a peek inside the pages of these 1957 Heinz Ketchup Prize winning recipes and see if we can get a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past:

 

It’s Red Magic! Hey wait a minute! In 1957, during the height of the cold war against communism, it seems a little odd that Heinz Ketchup would bill their product by saying “It’s Red Magic.”

And the fact that Mother seems to be flirting with a gigantic tomato man wearing a manacle isn’t helping Heinz Ketchup’s credibility either . . .  oh well let’s just keep moving.

 

Okay, here we have Mother cooking with what looks like a radio-active bottle of Heinz Ketchup. But there’s probably a simple explanation.

Mother’s husband, Father, is probably a Nuclear Physicist who sometimes brings home radioactive isotopes from the office to put in the Ketchup bottle to freak Mother out!

That Father always with the pranks!  (Too bad Mother didn’t even notice!)

 

The only explanation for what Mother is doing here is that Father told Mother to take a long walk on a short pier.

Ha! That Father!  Which Mother did, of course, and while she was at it decided to do a little fishing.

Of course, as you can see the radioactive isotope has caused the Heinz Ketchup bottle to fuse permanently to Mother’s hand.  Father. Could. Not. Stop. Laughing.

 

Here are Mother and Father’s children, Boy and Girl. They are eating minced ham and bean sandwiches that Father made for them.

Oh that wacky Father!  He made both Boy and Girl  these Ketchup bean sandwiches and is now hiding behind the Frigidaire spying on them as they try to eat their Ketchup bean sandwiches.

Right about now Father is probably thinking about how he should see if Milton Berle needs any more comedy writers!

 

Hey who’s this?  Why it’s New Mother, of course.  Old Mother had a drowning accident when she was unable to paddle to safety after falling off a short pier due to the Ketchup bottle being fused to her hand. 

But that’s okay because Father found and married New Mother later that day!  And New Mother has just cooked Father a tasty dish of  Green Beans with Ketchup!

Little does New Mother know that Father has just stuck two radioactive isotopes into the casserole dish she’s holding and Father can’t wait to see the look on New Mother’s face when she tries to set the dish down but finds that it’s fused to her hands!

Unfortunately Father didn’t get to see the look on New Mother’s face because just then the phone rang and Father ran to answer it because  — who knows — it might have been that all important call from Uncle Milty!

“I need a new comedy writer. Find out if Father’s available.”

And there you have it, Dear Readers, a glimpse into the food lives of people from the past.

Until next time . . . I love you

Amy Vanderbilt’s Very Special Student

Linda Vernon Our Beloved Al, Thrift Store Finds , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Readers, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Dudes and Dudettes, Babes and Babies, Presidents and Prime Ministers:

It’s time for us to say goodbye to awkward moments!  Turn our backs on social faux pas and bid adieu to obnoxious behavior.  For I have managed to procure for us, Dear Readers, the answers to all our problems:

Amy Vanderbilt’s  Complete Book of Etiquette!

Let’s flip through some pages . . . Ah here we go!

A Guide to Tactful Conversation!

Amy says:

“In greeting people we say, “how do you do?” we do not really expect an answer, but it is all right to reply, “Very well, thank you,” even if it is a blue Monday and you feel far from well.”  No one wants a clinical discussion in response to this purely rhetorical question.”

Amy will illustrate what she means by doing a little role playing with a Typical Person.

Amy:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  Does your stomach stick out like that because your preggers or are you just fat?

Amy says sorry but it is never polite to answer a question with a question. Amy says try again:

Amy:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  That depends . . . is that mildew smell coming from me or you?

Amy says this is better, but this reply is still in the form of a question. Amy says try again:

Amy:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  Who wants to know Funyun breath?

Amy says this reply is trending towards tactful but is not quite there yet. (She also says this typical person reminds her of someone but she can’t think who.)  Amy says try again.

Amy says:  How do you do?

Typical Person:  I like Funyuns.

Yes!  Very good!  Amy is so proud!!  Now Amy will move on to the next part of the tactful conversation lesson which covers not remembering names:

Amy says:

“If you are warmly greeted by someone whose name — or maybe whose face, too — you can’t recall say something harmless such as “nice to see you”.  Then while looking quite attentive, let the other person do the talking until he or she gives a clue as to identity.”

Amy:  Nice to see you.

Typical Person: You do not have a clue who I am, you are just pretending to look attentive but you have not been listening to a word I just said about the en-vi-RON-ment.

Amy says she likes this response because there are no contractions in it.  Amy says this person reminds her of someone but she still cannot think who. 

Amy:  You are looking well.

Typical Person:  It feels like we have been talking for one thousand, billion, million trillion hours.

Amy:  Al?  Al Gore?  Is that you?

Typical Person, Al:  Yes. Yes. Yes.  It is me Al Gore. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Amy:  Thanks for standing me up the other night! You have some nerve!

Typical person, Al:  Sorry I cannot do anything but stand up. Plus I was out of Funyuns.  Do you want to go to get some Funyuns with me?

Amy:  Of course Al!   You know, I cannot resist a man who does not use contractions!

Amy says that concludes our Guide to Tactful Conversation lesson one!  But Amy is sure she will be back real soon to teach us more etiquette because she just cannot help herself! 

Until next time . . . I love you

Funyuns. Funyuns. Funyuns. Yes. Yes. Yes.